The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks,

People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little time for the gym and you are constantly surrounded by cookies and candy and other stuff you should not be eating.

Last summer, while I was working on The Perfect Family, I reached a point where enough was enough. Being on set too much was making for some fat-timez, so I invented a new diet that I’d like to share with you. The best part of the diet is that it’s called the “No Ingredient” diet. So every time someone offers you a cookie or something you can be like “I can’t eat that, it’s full of ingredients!” Which makes you sound totally insane, but also totally glamourous.

Here are the rules for the No Ingredient Diet:

1. Don’t eat anything with ingredients in it, unless the ingredients are calorie-free.

2. If you can’t tell what’s in something by looking at it, you can’t eat it. Thus, you can eat a salad because you can tell that it’s lettuce, carrots, chicken, etc. You can’t eat bread, because you can’t see the individual ingredients when you look at it.

3. If something has no calories, it’s fair game. Thus, you can drink as many Diet Cokes as you want (this is terrible for your health, but wont affect your skinniness). Crystal Light is also acceptable.

I’m starting to realize that even these three rules are starting to repeat themselves, so I’m going to stop listing rules. The basic idea is that you’re cutting down on anything that is carby or overly processed and this will make you skinny. This diet totally works, and is a good way rationalize depriving yourself of the junk that everyone around you is scarfing down. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

1 Comment

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One Response to The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

  1. justin

    I think Susan Powers championed this in the gay nineties.
    Stop the insanity!

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