Monthly Archives: February 2011

Gladvertising: Sweet N Low!

Dear New York Creative Agency Mother,

The new ads you made for Sweet N Low are totally rad. I was driving up Western Avenue a few days ago and noticed your work in a bus shelter. I was immediately struck by how fun, inventive, and adorable they were. I’m not particularly a fan of Sweet N Low, but I love the fact that this pretty artwork is being displayed all over the place because of their product. Everyone wins!

Love,
Orlando

3 Comments

Filed under Art, Gladvertising, Style

Hot Couture: Aprontimez!

Dear Dsquared² Twins,

In college, I had to wear an apron in painting class in order to protect my obnoxiously overpriced clothing (this was before I graduated and became a hobo). Thus, I cannot tell you how absolutely pleased I was to see that your new collection includes tons of aprons layered into totally crazy outfits (sidenote: what’s going on with layers? It seems like every collection is all about 45 layers for each look. That’s fine in cold places but in LA we can only stand to put on two layers max, and that’s on a cold day). The fun thing about the apron is that it gives another layer of texture/color and can act a little bit like a skirt, which Marc Jacobs has been trying unsuccessfully to incorporate into male fashion for years. In some of these images you can barely see the apron but just knowing it’s there inspires me to go back to college and make a painting. Gorgeous.

To see more crazy fashonz, view the full Fall/Winter 2011 collection from Dsquared² here.

Love,
Orlando

Leave a comment

Filed under Style

Five Haute Things: Headphones!

Dear Music Loverz,

You know what’s cooler than being an actual cool person? Looking like one because you are wearing totally fun headphones! I have always had a thing for humans who wear unnecessarily large headphones, especially ones in kookie colors. I don’t really understand how people wear these bulky headphones while working out (I mean, they’re pretty much earmuffs, don’t they get hot?). The following are the five headphones I’d buy if I was forced to run out and get some right now. Enjoy!

Banjo by WeSC

I like how basic and streamlined these are. I’d definitely wear these with a purple Justin Bieber style baseball cap and some heavily styled swoop bangs. Holler!

Form 2 by Bang Olufsen

If I were a Robot Businessman from The Future, I’d wear these.

Panasonic AV Room Headphones

These are a classic, what’s not to love?

Urbanears by Urban Outfitters

Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge man-crush on aqua. I kinda want to bite these.

Maraca by WeSC

I’d like to wear these with some skinny jeans and a too-big tank top whilst skateboarding. If only I knew how to skateboard…

So, in conclusion, please, don’t stop the music.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I have no idea how any of these sound. They could sound totally awful and tinny and gross. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they look cool. Duh.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Style

The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks,

People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little time for the gym and you are constantly surrounded by cookies and candy and other stuff you should not be eating.

Last summer, while I was working on The Perfect Family, I reached a point where enough was enough. Being on set too much was making for some fat-timez, so I invented a new diet that I’d like to share with you. The best part of the diet is that it’s called the “No Ingredient” diet. So every time someone offers you a cookie or something you can be like “I can’t eat that, it’s full of ingredients!” Which makes you sound totally insane, but also totally glamourous.

Here are the rules for the No Ingredient Diet:

1. Don’t eat anything with ingredients in it, unless the ingredients are calorie-free.

2. If you can’t tell what’s in something by looking at it, you can’t eat it. Thus, you can eat a salad because you can tell that it’s lettuce, carrots, chicken, etc. You can’t eat bread, because you can’t see the individual ingredients when you look at it.

3. If something has no calories, it’s fair game. Thus, you can drink as many Diet Cokes as you want (this is terrible for your health, but wont affect your skinniness). Crystal Light is also acceptable.

I’m starting to realize that even these three rules are starting to repeat themselves, so I’m going to stop listing rules. The basic idea is that you’re cutting down on anything that is carby or overly processed and this will make you skinny. This diet totally works, and is a good way rationalize depriving yourself of the junk that everyone around you is scarfing down. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

1 Comment

Filed under Style

Whut Glamour: Michelle Obama

Dear Michelle Obama,

I forgot how totally cute you were until I just saw this picture in the NYT. I love your dress and the fact that you are standing in front of giant fruit. You are awesome.

Love,
Orlando

PS: Here is a link to the article.

Leave a comment

Filed under Style

If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Bird On It

Dear Whitney Jefferson, Fred Armisen, and Carrie Brownstein,

I love your hilarious video docu-drama about the proliferation of birds on EVERYTHING. I thought that trend was dying until I went to CB2 last night and was confronted by bird, after bird, after bird, after bird. I actually like the bird trend, but sometimes too much of a good thing = a bad thing. Sadtimez.

Love,
Orlando

Leave a comment

Filed under Art, Style

Typoglamour: 1550

Dear Whoever Designed the Building at 1550 North Laurel,

I have a thing for pretty text and/or numbers on buildings. Thus, I love your monolithic, minimalist apartment building down the street from my current abode. Oversized 1950s typefaces really hit the spot and are so appropriate on a building of that style. Gorgeous.

Love,
Orlando

1 Comment

Filed under Decor

Whut Glamour: Used Books!

Luxurious: The Collected Letters of John Steinbeck

Dear Diary,

I epiphanied last night that I have a fetish for first editions used books, ordered from Powell’s in Portland. This obsession began lightly a few years ago and was cemented last year when I received a first edition of my favorite novel of all time, Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar. What’s so important about the first edition of City is that Vidal rewrote the 1948 novel in the 60s and completely changed the ending. In my opinion the original version is much more authentic and a lot less clever and calculated than the rewritten version. Two days ago I received a gorgeous used copy of Steinbeck, which is a collection of John Steinbeck’s letters, beginning when he was a penniless hobo and ending with his multiple marriages, Nobel Prize, and coastal flip-flopping. One of the most exciting aspects of buying used books is when you find, within their well-worn pages, lovely historical artifacts. Steinbeck came with a mimeographed copy of Steinbeck’s Nobel acceptance speech (Sidenote: remember mimeographs? We used to have them in kindergarten and then they vanished forever, leaving me hungry for purple copied handouts). Almost every used book I have ever purchased has had some sort of memento in it. A receipt from a now-closed 1960s New York drug store, a personal note consoling someone about a death, a grocery list, etcetera. Each of these little pieces always alerts my imagination. Another wonderful thing about reading first editions is the books themselves become historical objects. You are holding the same exact book that was read at the time the book was published. Which is meaningful because no matter what the time period of a book, it undoubtedly reveals something about the time period in which it was written. What does this have to do with hobos, you ask? Well, another great thing about used books is that they are normally cheaper and more accessible to hobos like me. Except for that City first edition, which was like $80 because it’s such a rare find, and such an important book (it is widely recognized as the first dynamic and complex homosexual novel). The moral of the story is that you should be buying used books. Their tattered pages and hidden historical artifacts tell a better story than a glimmering new book.

Love,
Orlando

2 Comments

Filed under Art, Decor, Style