Gladvertising: Sweet N Low!

Dear New York Creative Agency¬†Mother, The new ads you made for Sweet N Low are totally rad. I was driving up Western Avenue a few days ago and noticed your work in a bus shelter. I was immediately struck by how fun, inventive, and adorable they were. I’m not particularly a fan of Sweet N Low, but I love the fact that this pretty artwork is being displayed all over the place because of their product. Everyone wins! Love, Orlando

Hot Couture: Aprontimez!

Dear Dsquared¬≤ Twins, In college, I had to wear an apron in painting class in order to protect my obnoxiously overpriced clothing (this was before I graduated and became a hobo). Thus, I cannot tell you how absolutely pleased I was to see that your new collection includes tons of aprons layered into totally crazy outfits (sidenote: what’s going on with layers? It seems like every collection is all about 45 layers for each look. That’s fine in cold places but in LA we can only stand to put on two layers max, and that’s on a cold day). The…

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Five Haute Things: Headphones!

Dear Music Loverz, You know what’s cooler than being an actual cool person? Looking like one because you are wearing totally fun headphones! I have always had a thing for humans who wear unnecessarily large headphones, especially ones in kookie colors. I don’t really understand how people wear these bulky headphones while working out (I mean, they’re pretty much earmuffs, don’t they get hot?). The following are the five headphones I’d buy if I was forced to run out and get some right now. Enjoy! Banjo by WeSC I like how basic and streamlined these are. I’d definitely wear these…

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The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks, People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little…

Whut Glamour: Michelle Obama

Dear Michelle Obama, I forgot how totally cute you were until I just saw this picture in the NYT. I love your dress and the fact that you are standing in front of giant fruit. You are awesome. Love, Orlando PS: Here is a link to the article.

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If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Bird On It

Dear Whitney Jefferson, Fred Armisen, and Carrie Brownstein, I love your hilarious video docu-drama about the proliferation of birds on EVERYTHING. I thought that trend was dying until I went to CB2 last night and was confronted by bird, after bird, after bird, after bird. I actually like the bird trend, but sometimes too much of a good thing = a bad thing. Sadtimez. Love, Orlando

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Typoglamour: 1550

Dear Whoever Designed the Building at 1550 North Laurel, I have a thing for pretty text and/or numbers on buildings. Thus, I love your monolithic, minimalist apartment building down the street from my current abode. Oversized 1950s typefaces really hit the spot and are so appropriate on a building of that style. Gorgeous. Love, Orlando

Whut Glamour: Used Books!

Dear Diary, I epiphanied last night that I have a fetish for first editions used books, ordered from Powell’s in Portland. This obsession began lightly a few years ago and was cemented last year when I received a first edition of my favorite novel of all time, Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar. What’s so important about the first edition of City is that Vidal rewrote the 1948 novel in the 60s and completely changed the ending. In my opinion the original version is much more authentic and a lot less clever and calculated than the rewritten version. Two…