Monthly Archives: February 2011

Pooltimez

Dear The Owner of Coffee Bean,

I am sitting in your West Hollywood location and it is ridiculously hot in here. And you wanna know what I think of when I’m hot, sweaty, and miserable? Pools! You know what else is hot? Global warming! Thus, I was excited to find this project done by a banking corporation to raise awareness about global warming. They printed large images of New York and applied them to the bottom of a pool, indicating that if we don’t do something to stop global warming we are all going to have to live underwater  (just like the Little Mermaid!). The idea behind the installation seems slightly heavy-handed to me, but the result was absolutely gorgeous.

This project is actually a few years old, but I’d never seen it so I thought I’d share. I highly doubt the pool is still there, but I wish it were because I’m going to need to go for a swim after being trapped like a hothouse tomato in this broiling coffee shop. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

PS: You can read an article with actual facts about the aforementioned swimming pool here.

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Fake Joan Didion Quote of The Week!

“Have you seen the Bieber documentary yet?” – Joan Didion*

*Joan Didion never said this. Ever.

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Shhhh! ‘Secrets’ is Airing Soon!

Dear Emily,

My new favorite thing is shushing people. Mainly because I think it’s so rude that it becomes ridiculous and thus hilarious. Like who thinks it’s ever appropriate to shush another person? Weirdos. Anyway, I’ll be doing some legitimate shushing on February 26th at 9 PM when “Secrets From A Stylist” airs on HGTV. It’s weird to work on a TV show like this because it’s so intense, involved, and client-based that sometimes it’s easy to forget we are actually making a television show that people will watch (please?). I’m sure you’re all imagining that Emily shows up and plays around with pillows and then goes and gets mani-pedis. So not true. The woman works ALL the time. I know this because, ahem, so do I (it’s my philosophy that a good assistant works more than his boss, but Emily is hard to keep up with). The reason we work so well together is that we’re both obsessed with what we do and we both totally love it. Which means we hope you will love it too. I’m super proud of the makeovers Emily has designed for our clients. She’s got an incredibly fresh and inspiring wit about her and it comes through in her design work. It’s fun to work with someone you admire so much. Mainly because it means the show is going to be super popular and everyone is going to love Emily, and via Reaganomic trickledown, me! Rad.

Love,

Orlando

PS: Remember… February 26 – 9 PM. HGTV. Angelenos stay tuned for premier party info…

SFAS 9 PM February 26

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Gladvertising: Sweet N Low!

Dear New York Creative Agency Mother,

The new ads you made for Sweet N Low are totally rad. I was driving up Western Avenue a few days ago and noticed your work in a bus shelter. I was immediately struck by how fun, inventive, and adorable they were. I’m not particularly a fan of Sweet N Low, but I love the fact that this pretty artwork is being displayed all over the place because of their product. Everyone wins!

Love,
Orlando

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Hot Couture: Aprontimez!

Dear Dsquared² Twins,

In college, I had to wear an apron in painting class in order to protect my obnoxiously overpriced clothing (this was before I graduated and became a hobo). Thus, I cannot tell you how absolutely pleased I was to see that your new collection includes tons of aprons layered into totally crazy outfits (sidenote: what’s going on with layers? It seems like every collection is all about 45 layers for each look. That’s fine in cold places but in LA we can only stand to put on two layers max, and that’s on a cold day). The fun thing about the apron is that it gives another layer of texture/color and can act a little bit like a skirt, which Marc Jacobs has been trying unsuccessfully to incorporate into male fashion for years. In some of these images you can barely see the apron but just knowing it’s there inspires me to go back to college and make a painting. Gorgeous.

To see more crazy fashonz, view the full Fall/Winter 2011 collection from Dsquared² here.

Love,
Orlando

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Five Haute Things: Headphones!

Dear Music Loverz,

You know what’s cooler than being an actual cool person? Looking like one because you are wearing totally fun headphones! I have always had a thing for humans who wear unnecessarily large headphones, especially ones in kookie colors. I don’t really understand how people wear these bulky headphones while working out (I mean, they’re pretty much earmuffs, don’t they get hot?). The following are the five headphones I’d buy if I was forced to run out and get some right now. Enjoy!

Banjo by WeSC

I like how basic and streamlined these are. I’d definitely wear these with a purple Justin Bieber style baseball cap and some heavily styled swoop bangs. Holler!

Form 2 by Bang Olufsen

If I were a Robot Businessman from The Future, I’d wear these.

Panasonic AV Room Headphones

These are a classic, what’s not to love?

Urbanears by Urban Outfitters

Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge man-crush on aqua. I kinda want to bite these.

Maraca by WeSC

I’d like to wear these with some skinny jeans and a too-big tank top whilst skateboarding. If only I knew how to skateboard…

So, in conclusion, please, don’t stop the music.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I have no idea how any of these sound. They could sound totally awful and tinny and gross. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they look cool. Duh.

 

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The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks,

People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little time for the gym and you are constantly surrounded by cookies and candy and other stuff you should not be eating.

Last summer, while I was working on The Perfect Family, I reached a point where enough was enough. Being on set too much was making for some fat-timez, so I invented a new diet that I’d like to share with you. The best part of the diet is that it’s called the “No Ingredient” diet. So every time someone offers you a cookie or something you can be like “I can’t eat that, it’s full of ingredients!” Which makes you sound totally insane, but also totally glamourous.

Here are the rules for the No Ingredient Diet:

1. Don’t eat anything with ingredients in it, unless the ingredients are calorie-free.

2. If you can’t tell what’s in something by looking at it, you can’t eat it. Thus, you can eat a salad because you can tell that it’s lettuce, carrots, chicken, etc. You can’t eat bread, because you can’t see the individual ingredients when you look at it.

3. If something has no calories, it’s fair game. Thus, you can drink as many Diet Cokes as you want (this is terrible for your health, but wont affect your skinniness). Crystal Light is also acceptable.

I’m starting to realize that even these three rules are starting to repeat themselves, so I’m going to stop listing rules. The basic idea is that you’re cutting down on anything that is carby or overly processed and this will make you skinny. This diet totally works, and is a good way rationalize depriving yourself of the junk that everyone around you is scarfing down. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

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