The Anatomy of a Gay Pool Party

Dear Straight People,
I was walking down the street the other day, thinking about how commonplace Gay Pool Parties are on hot summer weekends in Los Angeles, when I realized that there were probably people in the world that had never attended a Gay Pool Party. Thus, I’ve decided to write a shocking exposé on the world of gay pool parties. All the deepest, darkest secrets (from a stylist) will be revealed. Here we  go:

1. The first thing to know about Gay Pool Parties is that they are all sponsored by a high end alcohol brand. I imagine this is because Gay people are rich and their friends are all executives at high end beverage companies. Also, rich people like to save money whilst promoting their rich friends. Or whatever.

2. The second thing to know about Gay Pool Parties is that the boy bartenders are always beautiful. And straight. So single ladies, find yourself a Gay and make him take you to a party. The bartenders will be so relieved to see you that they will fall in love with you even though they are most likely out of your league. This is Los Angeles after all, where every waiter is an actormodel.

3. Every Gay Pool Party is at a ridiculous house in the hills that cost more money than the GDP of most countries. These homes are usually decorated in the contemporary style by a young interior designer with no skills who happens to be really hot.

Some houses (like the one where these photographs were shot) are decorated tastefully. Modern/stark/contemporary isn’t really my thing, but for that style I must say this house was done impeccably.

4. If you go to a gay pool party do not A) Expect to know the host or B) Expect to meet him. Try as you might to find him and thank him for having you over, he will evade you for the entirety of the party. The host only shows up (standing right behind you) when you say something rude like “where’d they get that AWFUL vase!?!” Thus, if you are just dying to know who the owner of the house is, scream something loud and objectionable.

5. Every gay person that is rich enough to host a Gay Pool Party has met the president. It’s just a fact of life.

6. Every Gay Pool Party house is decorated in ridiculously expensive original artwork. Like these signed Lichtenstein silkscreened prints (valued at $150,000).

7. Gays love houses with a view. So if you’re at a Gay Pool Party and there ins’t a view, it is important that you leave immediately.


8. Gays don’t like square pools. So if you attend a gay pool party expect a nontraditional pool shape. Don’t be afraid, the water is still warm and inviting. In fact, the water at Gay Pool Parties is, on average, 12 degrees warmer than the water at straight pool parties. Gay people hate cold water.

9. An important thing to note about Gays is that none of them have body hair and they all smell like coconuts. They are also impeccably clean and don’t need to wear sunscreen, because their Ken Doll skin tans naturally in the sun, protecting them from the sun’s harmful UV rays.


10. Gays love angles and drama, and design their houses accordingly.

11. Finally, gay pool parties are really more like a swimsuit competition than a party. Everyone has 4% body fat, a brand new brightly-colored swimsuit, and perfect “Talented Mr. Ripley” hair. It’s like being trapped in a colony of models that have no idea there are people out there who aren’t models. Which is “fun”(?) right?

I hope you have enjoyed all the deep, dark secrets I just revealed to you about Gay Pool Parties and are excited to embark on your own safari into the wilds of your first Gay Pool Party before the summer ends. I know I am!

Love,
Orlando

73 Comments

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73 responses to “The Anatomy of a Gay Pool Party

  1. You are making me laugh Londo. I’ve been waiting for the day when I would get to live out a friendship with you again through a blog. xoxo

  2. SARAH!

    Take me to one! Must experience this first hand…

    • Sue

      Thank you, this is interesting and funny! I agree with Sarah, take me too as I would love to experience this first hand!!!

  3. H2H

    Can I just say, having been to many a pool party in Los Angeles, you have been able to detail with 100% accuracy what they are like. People have to understand also, that no one just wakes up the morning of the party and decides they’ll go. Weeks of thought are put into such considerations as outfit # 1 (entrance), outfit # 2 (swimsuit), hairstyle #1 (dry), hairstyle # 2 (wet). And that is just to attend the party. Having thrown a few in the past myself, the actual prep involved can be months! Thanks for finally making this info available to all potential gay pool party attendees. It should make their lives much easier (assuming they still attend) :-)

    • StevenInWiltonManors

      You all should come to Pool Parties in South Florida. There is no need for entrance outfits or swimsuits!

    • Jarrod

      While I can say not all gay pool parties in LA are like this, they have AT LEAST one or more of the parts of above. Also what H2H wrote, has at least one part right too….but hey they are still a blast to attend.

  4. So funny and so very true which is why I don’t attend.

  5. JPH

    I mean, you really nailed it. And I’m not even knocking it. I’ve been to plenty. But you nailed it. Great, hilarious read and frighteningly accurate!

  6. So true about the host only appearing when you say something rude!

  7. Johnny Wolf

    I haven’t been to many this summer, please keep me in the loop lover.

  8. michael matlock

    this is one of the wittiest things i’ve read in a while. well done. A+ and 10 extra credit points

  9. lisa

    True brilliance – and TRUTH! lol!!!! I am SO out of it now…oh how I miss my boys…. ;)

  10. vincent

    my friends were at this party…and you are spot on.

  11. Very funny. Well done.

  12. J

    This is so funny because it’s absolutely true … I love it!

  13. brandonusc

    Cute. #3 is the best.
    That’s Fred ‘nd Jason’s 4th of July party – don’t hate.

  14. I dunno… 4% body fat sounds kinda high.
    and dont forget numbers 12 and 13:
    12) There’s enough coke to stage a play based on Lindsay Lohan’s life.
    13) The wealthy homeowner/host will mercilessly hit on everyone who looks underaged, in an attempt to drag them into his bedroom for a 20 minute encounter that will generate at least 10 years of continued poor twink-decisions, followed by another 15 years of therapy.

  15. Orlando, That’s an awesome article! Here is my article on gay pool parties (and Daphne Guinness) written just a couple of weeks ago. I think you might like it!
    http://jameskillough.wordpress.com/2011/06/15/pool-boys-and-window-dressing/

  16. Orlando, I had no idea this was you :-). So keen and totally spot on! (I had to leave a party the other day because there was no bartender and no view UGH!)

  17. Puncher

    Outside of the fact that they are gay, it is interesting to see that are not many men (or women) of color at these parties. Wonder what they says about “gay culture”?

    • Don’t be silly, that just speaks volumes on LA culture & white privilege. Just hop down to San Fran or somewhere else for all the colors of the rainbow.

    • I don’t think it says anything about “gay culture.” Come to one of my pool parties and you’ll find every color, every creed, and every age. This is ONE pool party in Los Angeles. This isn’t “gay culture.” LA wouldn’t know real gay culture if it came up to them with a letter of introduction from Elton John. Of course, I don’t suppose it’s fair to assume to Los Angeles is as diverse as Minneapolis or San Francisco. But it’s true we didn’t see any non-Ken doll folks there either. So perhaps it IS more a comment on LA “gay culture” than anything else. But in Minneapolis, these boys would just be sprinkled through a crowd that screams diversity. Well, actually the gay boys are usually screaming, “don’t spill that on the carpet” and the lesbians are screaming, “Shots! Shots! Shots!” But you get the idea. :-)

    • Justin

      Black people don’t like water.

  18. bob

    Not much different then a straight pool party except the house is owned by host not rented, less expensive but more practical furniture, and the staff isnt some sexual bi-curious confused boy they are non-english speaking illegals.

  19. Martin

    I need to be enlightened. Exactly what role, if any, does the pool play at these affairs?

  20. Jon

    Oh… and never worry about serving food at a gay pool party! The gays don’t eat. They all had a protein shake on the way over. :)

  21. Tim

    Great article! It’s the same way here in Dallas, although it does seem
    when you reach a certain point, the nicer the house, the duller the party.

  22. STARCHY

    if those ARE “real” Lichtensteins he had better move them out of the sun.

    STARCHY

  23. Tyler

    Glad to see people actually IN the pool!!! Why have a pool party if you’re not going to swim? Isn’t that the point? PLUS when you come out of the pool, you’re all glistening and sparkly! :-)

    PS. I hate this “Model crowd”. They are so pretentious and have NOTHING to be pretentious about!

  24. Bwahahahahahaha. I wanna come! But I have freckles. My mother says they r kisses from an angel.

  25. Everything is true, and I like the fact you kept this PG-13 for the straight readers. there’s at least 7 other facts that were omitted, including the fact that no one, except for the 1 or 2 “I ‘m Str8″ homos, wears board-shortsesque trunks.

  26. Tom

    I truly enjoyed it. It reminded me of my younger days and the many pool parties I gave. Now, I’m almost 70 and live on a mountain in the deep south. But I still have a view!

  27. Russ Geller

    Martin, the pool is for shimmering and bouncing light off all the tanned muscular bodies…. Duh! :}

  28. You have broken the secrete covenant of gay pool parties and thus have placed yourself in great peril.

  29. RoboRob

    Yes! I was just at this exact same party, only in the SF Bay area. The main difference is that in the SF Bay area you are also required to have a minimum of 15% of attendees be hipster dot.com millionaires in clothes that look for all the world like they come from Salvation Army, but in reality cost $3,000. Also there must be a contingent of Euro gays in evidence who will refuse to speak to anyone but one another. If you approach them they will immediately turn to the nearest Euro-gay and begin to speak rapidly to them in Swedish or German or Slovenian or something. Then they will all turn to regard you with unblinking, accusatory eyes as though you are being rude by continuing to exist.

    But otherwise, yeah, it’s the same party.

  30. Too funny! Thanks for filling us in on the guidelines :)

  31. :)

    # 14. After sundown (if not before) your host (or the less attractive half of the hosting couple) will encourage guests to get into the hot tub, a.k.a. “cesspit of sin.” The hot tub is fun only if you enjoy playing “Which One of These Guys Is Trying to Put His Finger Up My Ass?”

  32. Adam Crenshaw

    omg Loy’s birthday party was off the fucking chain!!!!!!!!

  33. Orlando, it seems I’ve been away from the US waaaaay too long. Thanks for the education. I’m returning soon and need to brace myself.

  34. Pingback: The Anatomy of a Gay Pool Party (via Hommemaker) « jafansta

  35. OMG so true, but they do know how to live in the present.

  36. polyethnic

    OOOOOOO!

  37. I must say that a gay pool party in Palm Springs is a bit different. That’s where the retired modelactors who have met Bob Hope hang. There are two hosts at the annual party I attend, both with different versions of the same name. No, I don’t know which is which.

  38. Jason Montoya

    Amazing. Lol

  39. I stumbled upon this and I am still laughing. If you have been to a fabulous gay pool party… this is SO accurate… not just for LA, but Fire Island, Miami and EVERYWHERE! lol #must-share-with-my-friends

    Ps. I need to expand my LA pool party resources, so I have to shout you out the next time I am out there… lol

  40. Alvino

    Muuuuito booooom !!!

  41. CHRIS

    DON’T FORGET THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCESSORIZING WITH THE RIGHT SUN GLASSES FOR THE OCCASION AS WELL….

  42. Bring on the festivities :)

  43. Dave

    Gay pool party’s are the best…bring on the festivities :)

  44. Let the festivities begin….

  45. Richard

    Awesome reality check. Reminded me of Jinx Titanic–”Hollywood Beach”: “nice bathing suit….nice bathing suit…you look CUTE, nice bathing suit…nice bathing suit…nice bathing suit…you look CUTE…for a FRUIT…nice bathing suit…nice bathing suit. It is Speedo? Hell NO! It’s Gucci, covering up your coochie…nice bathing suit…nice bathing suit…WHY ISN’T ANYBODY SWIMMING?!!!!??????!!!!
    http://www.jinxtitanic.com
    (also check out “You Smell Like Dinner” featured recently on True Blood)

  46. Jamieblue

    Perhaps this is just my Canadian and European experiences…but no gay male here would be caught in those baggy board shorts, that do nothing to show off curves and packages…Bright, sporty square cute and briefs a la aussie bum etc are de regle here.

  47. This is more of an EXPOSE’…speechless, cause i was laughing so hard.
    UNLIKE NEW YOR, when your on the ‘A” list, you don’t need to tell anyone, they already know.(they can feel it)..AWESOME WERRRK!

  48. BIG IN TEXAS

    How very well written. We GAYS do know how to throw a party!

  49. John

    I myself prefer a bear pool party. Mmmmm.

  50. RJ Bardsley

    Too funny! I must be hanging out with the wrong gays!

  51. had to prove my straight friend why we enjoy these summer weekends lol

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  56. Jeff Collins

    What a nasty article. Those of us who can afford to throw big pool parties and entertain complete strangers who come into our homes, drink our booze, eat our food and are expected to do nothing in return — except have fun — will now STOP! I am mortified you posted photos of the guys who threw this party. They are upstanding, accomplished gay men who do a lot to inspire younger gays. Every twenty year old could learn a thing or two from them about what it’s like to be successful and generous ! I will never again have one of these parties or allow anyone into my home I don’t know because of your article. Some of my other friends who also like to entertain are horrified by this article and the fact that you posted photos of the two men who opened up their home to complete strangers for an afternoon of fun. It’s true — no good deed goes unpunished.

  57. Charlie

    Good grief…let go of your pearls, Jeff.

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