Are You Vegan? Or Racist?

Dear Human,

Do you ever wish there was a better way to describe things as “awesome” or “lame”? Well, I’ve thought of a new system. Actually my brother thought of it like tens years ago and now I’m sharing it with you. Basically, anything good and righteous should be referred to as “vegan.” Anything lame and vile is “racist.” These are good descriptives because what could be worse than a racist? Or more righteous and awesome than a vegan? I may eat whole animals and blocks of cheese, but I still consider myself a vegan. In spirit at least. I used to be a real vegan but then I stopped caring about it so I gave it up. Maybe someday when I move to a cabin in the woods and grow all my own food I’ll be a vegan again. Or not. All I know is that I like the idea of it (better for the environment, more humane, etc). Just because I’m not a vegan anymore doesn’t mean I can’t use the word for good. Thus, I make statements such as “Did you see they put ‘My So-Called Life’ on Hulu? That’s so vegan!” and “Ugh! This hot weather is so racist. I can’t even go outside!” And so on. Try and use those words in a sentence today. You’re welcome.

Love,
Orlando

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Are You Vegan? Or Racist?

  1. Cruz

    I love “vegan” for all that is awesome! I will definitely use that… For “lame”, I actually use “That is so Canadian!” Seriously. This was after a co-worker once announced to everyone that something was “so gay”. He was from Canada. The rest is history.

  2. calvin

    don’t you think that’s totally spam? it’s lubricated!

    well, i’m phasing.

  3. Flaming Telepath

    “I may eat whole animals and blocks of cheese, but I still consider myself a vegan. In spirit at least. I used to be a real vegan but then I stopped caring about it so I gave it up.”

    Racist.

  4. John

    Ehm, consuming life forms under one genus is ok, the other is not. That is pure racism.

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