Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me In My Whole Life

Dear Diary,

Have you ever been so excited about something that you thought your little hummingbird heart might explode? Well, I think I probably drank too much coffee this morning because I feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust with excitement about the Hedi Slimane exhibit that is opening tomorrow at the MOCA annex at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood. Slimane is hands-down my favorite photographer in the history of time. I just love the world he represents, where everyone is a crazy 90z heroin addict musician, everyone is skeleton thin, and they live in lush beautiful environments surrounded by books, art, and wide open spaces. The opening is tomorrow from 6-9, and it’s quite possible that I will be there wearing a Hedi Slimane t-shirt, a Hedi Slimane hat, and some limited edition Hedi Slimane Converse. (Not really).

A lot of people who live in West Hollywood have no idea that there is a MOCA annex there. My favorite thing about it is that it’s free and small. Thus, when you’re fiending for some art, you don’t have to go all the way downtown to get a small dose. For those of you who have never noticed it the MOCA annex, it looks like this:

If you are unfamiliar with Hedi Slimane’s work, check out his Diary.

Love,
Orlando

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Martha! Martha! Martha!

Dear Martha Lovers,

One time, in kindergarten, our teacher asked us to draw a picture of what we would look like when we were 40. I basically drew a picture of my father (who has black hair and a mustache) with wrinkles and worms crawling out of his face. My perception was that as soon as I turned 30 I would immediately start decomposing and turn into a zombie. I hope that premonition wasn’t true…

In other news, do you ever find yourself looking at Martha Stewart, saying to yourself HOMEGIRL LOOKS GOOD! I mean, the woman is 70 years old! And I’ve never seen one single worm crawling out of her face! She used to be a model, which is probably why she’s still so hot. Apparently Martha has been modeling since she was 15. Which is kind of shocking if you think about it. She has been working since she was a teenager and she WONT STOP. During a time of life when most women are ready to play grandma and bake pies, she’s still playing mom (to all of America) and, well, baking pies. Clearly a driven woman. Here are some pictures from her modeling years for you to feast your eyes upon. That’s a good thing!

So I guess the moral of the story is that if you want to age well, you should become a model at 15. Get married, start a catering business. Then get divorced, start a media empire, go to jail, and regain popularity immediately. I’m screwed. I have to go now. To prepare myself for those face worms…

Love,
Orlando

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Pictures From Where I Was From

Dear Diary,

Until last week it was still summer in Los Angeles. For the entirety of the endless Halloweekend 2011, it was 80 degrees and gorgeous. Thus, I have been itching for some fall weather. Some trees with yellowing leaves. Some fall rain, wetting the dry grasses and making everything smell like freshly brewed chamomile tea. Instead, what we have in LA is bimbos (male and female) playing volleyball underneath palm trees, tanning their skin in the glorious sunlight and going on hikes carrying an iced coffee in one hand and an adorable Chihuahua in the other. Sometimes the only way you know it’s autumn here is when you go into the coffee shop and they are serving “pumpkin spice lattes.” Sidenote: WTF is a pumpkin spice, and why do we all pretend it is a rational flavor for a coffee drink?

My first response to feeling fall-deprived is normally to drive straight to Yosemite, my homeland and the place where my parents still reside. But I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time. So this weekend, after narrowly avoiding jury duty on Friday, I fled to the mountains. One of my favorite things about going up there is the drive itself, which weaves up the Hollywood Freeway, to The 5 Freeway, to Highway 99, to Highway 41. These roads take you through the golden center of California, surrounded by beautiful ochre mountains that do nothing but remind you of John Steinbeck novels and their descriptions of the Western landscape.

Once you get up into the mountains, the vegetation changes and so does the color palette. From golds and yellows to greens, browns, and reds. This is on a road in Mariposa, about 1.5 hours outside Yosemite.

This is the view from the Wawona Hotel, where I went to a wine tasting event with my parents. It was freezing!

On Sunday morning I woke up in my childhood bedroom and it was snowy outside, which is always dreadfully exciting.

This is the waterfall by my parents house. The cloud situation led to pretty pictures.

The view from Mirror Lake, looking slightly like a Japanese block print.

Note the 27 degree temperature on the dashboard. YES!

As you can imagine, I came back to Los Angeles feeling refreshed and ready to play volleyball with all the other bimbos. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

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Orlando’s Obsession: Vuluptuous Volvos

Dear Car Enthusiasts,

Let me just start this post by saying one thing. I am not a car enthusiast. I don’t know that much about cars. Not that I don’t love car design and pretty cars, but I have, like, 450,000 other hobbies and so there’s just no more room in my heart for another one. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about cars at all though. In fact, one time I nearly ended a friendship over a disagreement about cars. This was in high school, obviously. We had nothing better to fret about. Apparently (I don’t actually remember this argument), my friend Caitlin and I didn’t talk to eachother for a month because she and I were having a heated debate re: Subaru v. Volvo. I was pro-Volvo, obvz, and she was pr0-Subaru. I don’t remember what the arguments were but I’m sure mine had something to do with liking squares. I don’t quite know why I’m boring you with this story except to make the point that I have loved Volvos for a long ass time. In fact, the 2008 film I Have Loved You So Long is rumored to be about my relationship with my current Volvo station wagon. I don’t know what I like about Volvos (rectangles). Or why I’m so attracted to their rectangular shape (I have a rectangular head), but if I could have any car on earth, it would be a Volvo.

Here are some Volvo station wagons from through the years. I do like some of the older sedans and that snazzy little sports car they reintroduced, but for brevity’s sake I’m sticking to station wagons here.

This 1950s station wagon is adorable. I’d love to have one but I’m sure they explode if you try to drive them anywhere. Old Volvos really aren’t good for anything except ogling.

I’m into this fall color. Mainly because it’s fall right now. As evidenced by daylight savings and how at 2 PM today a darkness came over the sky, making it appear to be midnight. I HATE YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS. SO MUCH! Oh sorry, I diverged. But really. It feels like 2 AM right now and it’s 9 PM. How am I going to make it through this winter?

And who could forget the star of Beetlejuice? This lovely yellow 1977 Volvo:

Oh, you forgot that car? Well here it is in action:

Now, this is probably the most important Volvo on here. It’s my first car. A 1982 240 Wagon. As you may or may not know, I was also born in 1982 so I felt a certain kinship with my 16 year old car when I got it. Unlike my car, however, I didn’t start on fire every time someone asked me to go up a hill and I didn’t demand to be fixed every month for, like, thousands of dollars. All that being said, I loved my car. It was a lovely gold color and had *automatic* locks. Glamour.

Don’t you want to live in this photograph? Just driving around in a field full of Volvos and hot air balloons, thinking about how Swedish everything is.

I like this peacock color. I’d totally drive this car today.

Wood siding? Why not!?!

I’m just including this because it’s a sexy shot. It reminds me of my drive to high school (on a mountain road that looks just like this).

Why is there a man in a George Washington costume standing next to a host from Oktoberfest?!? I have no idea but I want to hang out with them.

This is despicable/genius. And I totally want to drive it around LA as a joke.

In the 1990s Volvos got all Back to the Future. I’m kind of digging how sharp and boxy this one is though.

This is the Volvo I have now. It’s not quite as retro-cool as the old one I had in high school, but it also doesn’t start on fire when I go uphill. You win some, you lose some. I’m actually kind of embarrassed at how much I like my car. I feel excited and lucky every time I get into it. Because I live in LA, most of my friends drive fancy new cars. Thus, my 12 year old station wagon strikes everyone as pretty lame and no one ever wants me to drive anywhere because they don’t want to be seen in my nerd car. But it’s pretty luxurious inside AND it has seat heaters. I’m going to drive it until it’s not safe to drive anymore. And then I’ll probably drive it for three additional years.

This is what the new station wagons look like. They’re pretty cool and glam, but they cost like $500,000. Not really. But for now my 12 year old Cross Country is still my lover. And until I kill my lover, I’m not going to think about finding another, younger lover as a replacement. That was super weird and disturbing. I’m sorry.

I hope you have enjoyed this aimless drive down Volvo lane. I’m pretty sure I did!

Love,
Orlando

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Drawingtimez: Waterhead

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