Monthly Archives: December 2011

D.I. Why? Recovering A Stool. Or Not.

Dear Diary,

The other day, I was just reupholstering a stool, minding my own business, when something AWESOME happened. I will tell you the story now. It begins with an ugly stool. Well, it’s not really ugly but the fabric on top is UberCheezBallz. Emily and I found it at the flea market for $30. This is what the stool looked like:

I had all my supplies out to reupholster, ready to change the fabric to a white linen. But then when I removed the ugly fabric I found a pretty chevron fabric underneath. Yay! Thus, I decided to just keep that fabric intact. Score, right?

In conclusion, everyone lived happily ever after because it was the easiest reupholstery job ever and the fabric underneath was even cooler than the fabric I was going to cover it with. Truly a fairytale ending.

Love,
Orlando

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What To Do With A Gingerbeard

Dear My Face,

So, first of all, a disclaimer that this post is going to seem totally narcissistic. Why? Because it is. It’s just me talking about my dumb face. So to those of you who are on the fence about me and my stupid personality, I’d skip this post and go to the next. Ok, so is anyone still there? Are you there God, it’s me, Orlando’s Facial Hair. Anyhoo, I’m constantly obsessing about my facial hair because when I have it I go crazy because it’s so itchy but when I don’t I feel naked and way less cool. So I decided to do an experiment where I photograph myself with three facial hair styles (beardscruff, mustache, and nakedface). A fun fact about me is that I really want a tattoo but I can’t decide what I want to get so I’ll never get one. I’m kind of the same way with my stupid face. I’ll shave it completely then see a hot guy with a mustache and wish I had one. Then I’ll grow a mustache and realize it makes me look like a pervert Peeping Tom so I shave it off. And then the cycle begins once more. When it comes to decisions about my facespace, I’m totally non-committal. Kind of like every guy I try to date. Until I break up with them and then they marry their next boyfriend while I cry outside of the church. Oh wait, that never happened. It kind of did. Like every day of my life. Below are the fascinating results of my experiment.

OPTION 1: Scruff

Pros:

- It gives you “Instant Facial Contouring.” Trust me on this one, I learned it from my makeup artist.
- It makes you look manly, without making you look too much like a character actor from a Christopher Guest film.
- A hot French dude recently told me that if you don’t have scruff in Paris they just assume you’re old or a huge dork.
- It covers up ChinZits. If you have any. Which I totally don’t. I promise. Oh wait yes I do. I’m disgusting.

Cons:

- It’s boring.
- Everyone else is doing it.
- It’s prickly. If you make out with someone it can give them rugburn.
- If it gets too long it can reveal your status as a secret Ginger and/or fleshbeard.

OPTION 2: Mustache

Pros:

- It gives you street cred.
- It makes you look cool.
- It tells everyone that you have a sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously.
- It allows for a diversity of zany facial expressions that are otherwise unattainable.
- It attracts pretty Silverlake boys with neck tattoos.

Cons:

- It scares away everyone that isn’t a pretty Silverlake boy with a neck tattoo.
- It makes you look like a child molester, pervert, and/or Peeping Tom.
- My mustaches is GingerBlond, which reveals some deep dark ethnic secrets I’m not ready to divulge to the public.
- It’s really itchy and gets in your mouth and sometimes crumbs get stuck in it, which makes you look homeless.
- People like to point out that mustaches make you look more Latino, but really what they mean is that you look just like the racist stereotype of a Mexican wearing a sombrero that constantly dances in their heads.

OPTION 3: NakedFace

Pros:

- It feels so silky smooth and allows you to totally exfoliate your face as often as you please (sidenote: do you LOVE exfoliating your face? I do).
- It gives you a fresh look, like a young college kid ready to tackle the world! Go get ‘em, Tiger!
- If you rub your face on a fur coat (Sidenote: FUR IS MURDER!) or a small dog, you can really feel how soft it is.
- You don’t give anyone rug burn when you make out with them.

Cons:

- Do you have any idea how expensive razors are?!? The other day, I went to Target to pick up some razors. But when I got there I realized they were so expensive that I would have to mortgage my house to buy the replacement blades. But then I realized I didn’t own a home to refinance, so I had to go out and buy a multimillion dollar home. As you can imagine, I was already SO tired at this point. But I still had to use my recently purchased home as leverage to get the credit I needed to be able to afford to buy a package of four Gillete Fusion Blades to shave my stupid face. And now I’m still broke from the whole affair. THAT is how expensive razors are. Which is why I shave as infrequently as possible and NakedFace probably isn’t a good choice for me. In conclusion, if you see a man in the street with no facial hair, he’s probably a billionaire. You should snatch him up!

I’m not entirely sure what I learned from this experiment. I think I’m leaning towards “OPTION 1: Scruff.” It says “Hi, I have some edge to me, but you wont find me creepily staring into your bedroom window late at night.” I do really like the mustache, but it seems too much like a costume to me. In conclusion, I think I’ll stick to my Scruffy roots and keep my GingerStache to myself. Until the next time I see a hot guy with a mustache and then I’ll want one again.

Love,
Orlando

PS: What’s your vote: Option 1 Scruff, Option 2 Mustache, or Option 3 Nakedface?

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My So-Called Tree: Decorationtimez!

Dear My Christmas Tree,

Remember that one year I was gone for most of December so I didn’t decorate you until, like, two days before Christmas? Yeah, me neither. This year I found inspiration from the tree Emily designed on the Secrets From A Stylist Holiday Episode (If you haven’t seen it yet you are really cheating yourself. Watch here). The color palette for the show was greens, blues, and aquas. Which happen to be my favorite colors (Coincidence? I don’ think so!). Luckily, you can put pretty much any color on a silver tree because it’s a neutral color. For the most part, I decided to go cheapsiez with the ornaments, so I shopped first at the dollar store. People often underestimate how many ornaments they’ll need for their tree so Emily and I have devised a good formula. Buy four times as many ornaments as you think you’ll need. Then, just as you’re about to check out, double the amount of ornaments you have so that in the end you actually have eight times as many ornaments as you think you need. Just remember, what you “think” you need is wrong and will make zero impact on your tree. It’s always a good idea to overdo it so you’re tree doesn’t look empty and sad. Just FYI, this is what you can get for $30 at a dollar store (all those ornaments plus the little silver trees plus a snowflake tree topper):

In addition to the dollar store ornaments, I made dot ornaments using craft paper and wire ornament hooks. (Sidenote: it would have been way easier if I had a circle cutter, instead I just traced a water glass and cut these by hand. Which took, like, forevz!).

All the felt ornaments are West Elm.

Because I didn’t have a green tree, I thought it would be good to bring in some green felt. The felt ornaments added a lot more interest and warmth to a tree that was looking far too sparkly, graphic, and cold without them.

These pretty hand-blown glass ornaments are also West Elm.

The “icicle” ornaments were made by cutting craft paper and curling it around a pencil. I like them because they look like streamers. Which reminds me of parties. Which reminds me of fun. Which reminds me of the meaning of life.

I decided to fill the space beneath the tree with my two favorite things: books and plants. The Alice Waters book was a Christmas gift from my friend Misako, who loves fantasizing about California with me. As you probably know, I only accept Christmas gifts that match my Christmas tree. Please plan accordingly.

I added a pantone green box to punch up the green.

And finally, my Christmas tree was done! Yay! Now I can enjoy it for 5 hours before I leave town for the holidays. Oops.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Love,
Orlando

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Hay Menorah!

Dear Daily Planner,

Just a reminder that Hanukkah starts at sunset tonight. I’ll be celebrating with this uberglamourous manzanita-inspired menorah. I love it because it’s not only a beautiful way to celebrate the Festival of Lights, it’s also a beautiful candle holder to use year round. West Elm came out with this baby last year and it was love at first sight. Happy Hanukkah, everyone! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Love,
Orlando

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I’m Dreaming of a Pink Christmas

Dear Bestie Alexis,

Thanks for having me over last night for your glamourous holiday party. Your pink Christmas tree really caught my eye. When you first told me about having a pink tree, I thought it was going to be totally cheesy and crazy, but it turned out awesome. The color is so warm and inviting and adorable. And your glittery ornament collection (purchased mostly at Moskatels in Downtown LA) complements the candy color of the tree perfectly. OrMOMdo made a few of your ornaments too, which added a little handmade character to your beautiful tree. Well done!

I also love that your tree matches the painting I made for you perfectly.

A handmade wax paper star by orMOMdo.

A bear from Moskatels.

The cutest snowman in the WORLD I found at Jonathan Wright & Company.

This tree is an explosion of fun. Just like YOU!

Love,
Orlando

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Lazy Costuming In New York

Dear Self,

You know, packing for long vacations has never been your strong suit. I hate to break it to you, but you suck. Usually, you fill your suitcase with 25 neon t-shirts, 12 pairs of ugly pants, and as much sockage and underwearage as you can cram in. This is all fine and dandy until you get to Hawaii and you realize that none of the clothing you brought actually goes together. Bright pink pants, bright pink shirt, and a horse bolo tie? Unacceptable. Thus, on this last business trip to New York, I forced you to choose one outfit, buy multiples of it, and wear it every day for two weeks. I’ve actually wanted to do this experiment for years, starting in high school when choosing clothes to wear started to stress me out (am I the only one who wishes I had a stylist/servant to dress me every morning so I never had to make a decision?). For my New York costume, I chose basic elements that could be layered. A white t-shirt, grey hoodie, faux leather jacket, skinny jeans, and boots. I accessorized with a necklace, a winter hat, and glamourous fingerless gloves. This is what I looked like in my costume:

I used the following costume pieces to blend in with the New York natives. The Target finds were by far the most surprising. I actually find a lot of clothes there. If you mix it right it can be pretty cool and it’s cheap as cheap can be. Luxury.

Winter Hat from Target

Fingerless Gloves from Target

Faux Leather Jacket from Zara (it’s from last year and I can’t find it anywhere online).

Levis Steamer Hoodie

Necklace By Janine Echabarne, my mother’s jewelry designer friend.

Hanes Tees (I bought 18 and somehow still had to do laundry twice)

Levis Jeans

H By Hudson Boots

These boot are my very favorite. I have a friend who has the same ones and we fight about who gets to wear them all the time (I always win). They’re the perfect combination of hobo and glamour, just like me!

In conclusion, I would highly recommend this packing solution to anyone who has a problem packing lightly. It was so convenient not to have to think of what to wear every day. It made getting ready so much faster. I can’t say everyone else enjoyed my wardrobe as much as I did. Emily and I worked together every day and by the end of the trip she wanted to stab me for boring her to death with my clothes. Also, I’m pretty sure our New York clients thought I was just wearing the same shirt over and over again, which probably made them think I was even more hobo than I am. Which is ok with me because it gives me street cred.

Love,
Self

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Funtimez At the Gugg: Maurizio Cattelan

Dear Diary,

The other day I was just wandering around New York when I came upon the Guggenheim Museum (which I like to call “The Gugg,” pronounced “goog”) and decided to head on inside and check out the Maurizio Cattelan exhibit I’ve been dying to see since I heard it existed. Cattelan is an artist who works mainly in sculpture, making totally weird, exciting, and disturbing pieces ranging from stuffed dogs to naked ladies popping out of the wall. His show at the Gugg was a huge retrospective and, like, kind of a big deal (meaning there were 5 million people there to see it). I am a huge fan of the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed building which houses the Gugg, but I’ve seen so many dull exhibits there that I was excited to see something to fresh on display.

I went in the afternoon, just as the golden sunset cast pretty shadows all over the exterior of the beautiful building.

All the installation shots I took look totally overwhelming and crazy. The reason is that the exhibit itself was chaotic and insane. The huge hanging collection of sculptures (rising through the entirety of the museum’s central atrium) was so full that it was difficult to concentrate on any one piece for too long. This was sort of the point I guess, as the collective sculptures became one huge installation piece. The visual cacophony was only exacerbated by the fact that the Gugg (and every other New York museum) is always overcrowded with visitors, screeching in their high-pitched tourist voices. I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but actually I think this added to the piece, making it even more chaotic and overwhelming.

Here are few of Cattelan’s previous works, all of which were incorporated into the piece at the Gugg.

That evening, I was staying with my friends Misako and Doug on the Upper West Side. Misako and I walked home from the museum through Central Park. It’s a pretty spectacular park, and the quiet sunset was the perfect comedown from the crazy (and wonderful) Cattelan exhibit.

Goodnight Diary,
Orlando

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