You Must Buy These Things Or You Will Be Socially Ostracized!

Dear Diary,

The sun is shining in beautiful Los Angeles and the summer is upon us. Or at least I think it is. I actually have no idea when the official start of summer is and I don’t feel like googling it. I know the unofficial start is next weekend. Memorial Day Weekend. To get ready for summer, I’ve been slowly stocking up on summer must-haves. And so should you. If you are a girl, just buy these things for your boyfriend. That way no other girls will hit on him because he will look like a mischievous homosexual. Like me.

I’m super into these cool hats. They are yet another piece of evidence that black people (along with the gays) are responsible for everything that is cool. Black guys were the first to wear these, then straight white guys, now gay dudes. I’m into the gay thug look though, so that’s fine by me. Thank you, black people!

LA Dodgers Cap from 59fifty

I like bright things, so I love these sunglasses. They cost $5 and I bet I’ll break them by this evening. The average lifespan of a pair of my sunglasses is 3.67 days. I am a terrible human being.

Sunglasses from H&M

I love everything from Warriors of Radness. Especially this awkward ball tank top.

Tank from Warriors of Radness

These jersey knit tanks are so soft I want to wear them all the time. It’s like wearing air.

Tank Top from H&M

Loving these pink painterly swimming swimmerz.

Swim Trunks from H&M

These are very exciting and sort of tiny. I’m not into long swim trunks. Who wants to be weighed down by all that fabric in the pool? I just want to be free.

Grey Swim Trunks from H&M

These look totally dorky online but are cuter in real life. Especially when you cuff them a bit.

Shorts from H&M

Yup. These flip flops are old news but I still love them.

White Flip Flops from Havaianas

To protect my lily white skin from the harsh burning sun of Southern California, I rely on this sunscreen. Mainly because it has the most adorable label I’ve ever seen. But also because it smells like oatmeal and doesn’t have nano particles that get into your pores and give you even more cancer than the sun does. Trust me, I’m a scientist.

Badger Sunscreen

To change the color of my lily white skin from Titanium White to Swiss Coffee, I rely on this delightfully streak free product. It actually works but it comes off if you sweat to much. And believe me, I sweat too much.

Sunless Tanner from Keihl’s

So that’s all you need for summer. Now go out and buy it, because that’s what we do. This is America.

Love,
Orlando

3 Comments

Filed under Style

3 responses to “You Must Buy These Things Or You Will Be Socially Ostracized!

  1. Elisa

    I want that sunscreen now. Not the dodgers cap though.

  2. raesock

    have you tried the new badger that came out this year? its only an spf 16 but it is in a lotion base so it goes on without rubbing for 100 years. i LOVE IT, because I’m a badger fan too!

  3. of the things on the shopping list, how many of them were made in the US?

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