Monthly Archives: July 2012

Brace Yourself for Beautiful Bracelets

Dear Men of the World,

Don’t you get sad sometimes that ladies get to wear all sorts of exciting jewelry and all we get to wear is watches and the occasional bow tie? Jewelry is fun, but there’s not a ton of it for dudes. One thing we can get away with is bracelets. Look how cool this guy looks, in part because he’s wearing those glamorous bracelets:

Now, onto some bracelets I love, hate, and am ambivalent towards:

Miansai, $95 at Mr. Porter

Black and gold, the most luxurious combination in the history of time.

Tods, $225 from Barney’s Co-Op

Everyone knows I’m not afraid of bright colors, so naturally I love this buttery bracelet from Tods.

City Landscape, $14 from TopMan

London may have done a terrible job orchestrating the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, but the city did inspire a pretty skyline for this bangle.

Luis Morais, $675 from Mr. Porter

This looks like a Kabbalah bracelet. Which means that if you are a trendy celebrity like Madonna or Ashton Kutcher you should definitely wear one.

Tateossian, $250 from Saks

I’d like to wear this braided bracelet on a boat whilst someone named Tad serves me a cocktail.

Miansai, $65 from Mr. Porter

Hi, pretty blue bracelet. I actually have one that’s just like this except it cost like $5, not $65.

Awkward, $8 from TopMan

It was nice of TopMan to make the bracelet with my name on it.

Miansai, $90 from Mr. Porter

I’ve decided these hook things are the new anchors (side note: anchors are out). I love this gold one with that rope band. It’s totally ready for an adventure on the high seas.

Leather Wrap Bracelet, $245 from Misa Jewelry

This black/gold combo is the perfect amount of casual (raw edge leather) and chic (gold).

Tods, $225 from Saks

Another preppy bracelet to wear on the boat with Tad. Lovely.

Monique Péan Homme, $13,930 from Barney’s Co-Op

This bracelet is to die for. Also, it’s almost $14,000. You could buy a car for that much money. But honestly, I’d take this bracelet over a car any day.

Vanities, $40 from Opening Ceremony

I’m torn about this bracelet. On the one hand, I love that adorable string. On the other, I am tired of skulls. But I guess if you just ignore the skull it’s cool. And isn’t that what life is all about? Ignoring things you don’t like?

Cast of Vices, $190 from American Rag

This is another one I’m on the fence about. Part of me thinks it’s really cool and clever. Another part of me thinks it’s gimmicky and lame. What do you think?

So there it is. A collection of bracelets I want and some I don’t want.

The End,
Orlando

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RIP: Rest In Paintings

Dear My Bed,

I love you,  but you need a headboard. Right now, you look like this:

So depressing I may as well be in prison. Okay, so my bed has striped sheets, pillows, and a blanket on it. But it’s still missing something. It’s in desperate need of a headboard. And what better for a headboard than a giant piece of art? I love the idea of sleeping with a huge piece of art looming over my head. I mean, who wouldn’t want an enormous egg floating above the bed?

This one is pretty and minimal, the white laundry speaks to the stark white of the room.

This isn’t necessarily my style but I think it’s very pretty. And the addition of tall, built-in bookshelves makes the space even more inviting.

Not sure if I love this framed photo, but look how well the color goes with the knit blanket.

This graphic piece is awesome. Also, if this person lives in an earthquake zone they are probably going to be cut in half during the next earthquake. Hanging glass over the bed can be dangerous. I have a rule about hanging art over my bed: If the piece can fall off the wall and accidentally chop my head off, I try not to hang it directly over where I’m sleeping. That is the Californian way.

That being said, I might risk having my head chopped off to have this delightful piece hanging above me as I slumber.

Ugh, Marilyn Minter. Why does your stupid art have to cost so many millions? I want all of it.

This is a great idea for a DIY painting-headboard. It’s not as fancy as having a Minter hanging above your bed, but on the upside it’s just canvas so it won’t decapitate you in the event of an earthquake.

This is painted directly onto the wall, totally great idea for a child’s room. Or for someone too, like, poverty-stricken to afford an actual headboard. Like me.

Look at these awesome drawings-as-headboards. Accented by decorative moulding! Get in my bed!

This big, bold, graphic piece is the perfect addition to this totally, like, minimal and boring room.

And finally, my favorite. I think I’m going to go for this vibe with my headboard. I love the simplified landscape and that gorgeous color palette. How could you not have sweet dreams under that?

In conclusion, I want all of these headboards.

Love,
Orlando

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Shopping, Staring, and Sweating in San Francisco

Dear Diary,

My baby niece is the world’s cutest baby. It’s been scientifically proven and I have many pictures as evidence if you don’t believe me. I went up north for her first birthday about a month ago and enjoyed a weekend of family, fun, and adventures in the Bay Area. I grew up calling San Francisco “the city,” we went there all the time. So whenever I go back it feels a little like going home. It feels so comfortable and familiar there. My brother, his wife, and the my adorable niece live in Sonoma County (about an hour north of the city). I spent a few days up in Wine Country with them before heading back down to San Francisco for shopping, staring, and sweating my way all over town (Sidenote: it was actually warm there. Which never happens during the summer months in San Francisco).

I stumbled upon a store called Monument in the Mission, which turned out the be the most beautiful store in the whole world. Tons of vintage pieces, all restored to perfection.

Monument has a store on 1stdibs if you’d like to see their amazing inventory.

Harrington Galleries also had some cool stuff. Like the glamourous chair below.

This wonderful tansu was at Therapy.

Tradesmen had a ridiculously cool Japanese fish windsock. Unfortunately, that store is never open and everything in there costs $500,000. Sad.

FSC Barber Shop had beautiful “Apothecary” typography in the window.

Did I find anything at this store? NO. Did I like their sign? Yes.

Voyager was a lovely store filled with fancy travel items, notebooks, and clothing. While we were in there, some dot com dude was trying on $500 hippie pants asking the sales associate if they made his butt look big. It was amazing.

I met up with some of my friends at Daytime Realness, which is a super fun party filled with drag queens, hipsters, and haircuts just ugly enough to be cool. It was ridiculously fun and I would go back over and over again if I lived in San Francisco.

How amazing is this disgusting sweater? I’m serious. I want it.

No trip to San Francisco is complete without a ride on BART. Especially if you get lost like I did. Luckily I ended up in the scariest part of Oakland, which was fun.

After all the shopping, playing, and loving, my sister took me for a walk at one of the most picturesque hills I’ve ever seen in my life, Bernal Heights Summit.

The trip to the city warmed my heart and was filled with LOLs, ROFLs, and even a few BRBs. Fun!

Love,
Orlando

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Instagramz #102

 

Find me on Instagram: oar_lawn_doe

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Instagramz #100

 

Find me on Instagram: oar_lawn_doe

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Tourlando: My-So Called Neighborhood

Dear Hollywood Hills West,

You’re a weird place. Kind of Hollywood. Kind of West Hollywood. Kind of Los Angeles. I moved into this part of town because I wanted to find a place as green as West Hollywood, but without all that appletini-scented-gay-gutter-bar-trash you find in the heart of WeHo (sorry, you know it’s true). Thus, I moved a neighborhood I thought was Hollywood. Only to find out months later that it was really called Hollywood Hills West. What attracted me to this place is that everything is so sprawling and mid-century. We have tons of eco-unfriendly lawns, palm trees up the ying-yang, and lots of pretty tropical vegetation that would probably be more at home in the Amazon than Los Angeles.

I knew I loved this neighborhood when I spotted my building for the first time, glowing a mint green color that warms my heart, calling to me like a siren.

This is the building I see out my window every morning as I wake up, wide-eyed and ready to take the world by storm (as soon as I drink 17 cups of coffee and whine for an hour about being tired).

I hate this color of brick, but that doesn’t stop me from loving this font. You can really do a lot by just adding pretty numbers to your building (stay tuned for more exciting examples!).

According to evidence I have collected, the owners of Breezy Freeze Snowball Company live near me. Jealous? (Sidenote: I’ve never had a Breezy Freeze Snowball but I can tell you based on the color of their van that it’s delicious).

In my neighborhood, quirky fonts  are the norm. Boring fonts, GO HOME!

This building is one of my favorites because it’s so geometric, intimidating, and stark. Kind of like a Stanley Kubrick movie.

Look how scary and intimidating the entry is. I want to live in there.

Again, not a fan of the bricks but you can’t deny those clean lines. If this were my building I’d probably paint those bricks white or just put concrete over them. That’s terrible but I hate bricks like that. I know, I get it, totally ruins the historical accuracy of it but it could be SO much  prettier if the surface was as simple and elegant as the architecture itself.

I love any building covered in plants. Unless the plant is poison ivy.

I moved to Los Angeles because I wanted to live in a city where I could see trees. I get depressed if I don’t see trees. Also, it’s nice to have flowering trees scenting the air, distracting you from the fact that you are breathing in more pollution than anyone in the rest of the United States of America.

I love these guard lions on the house up the street. It’s kind of ridiculous because the house is so cute and non-intimidating, but that’s part of the joke.

I also love how cute little houses like this that would cost $150,000 in a normal place are worth like 6 million dollars in LA. Okay that’s probably an exaggeration, but you get my point. Someday, when I’m 57 years old, I hope to save up enough money to buy a dumpster to convert into an efficient and charming home for me and my 16 cats to live in.

You know you’ve made it when there is so much vegetation in front of your door that you can barely see it.

This is the house. I want it. It’s squared-off Spanish shape makes me happy, scared, and a little turned on.

These geniuses painted their house an awesome color of yellow, shielded it with plants, and then parked their totally Gay Jeep in front of it. Triple win!

This color of grey totally heightens this otherwise unremarkable home. God that was so rude. If whoever owns this unremarkable home is reading this, I apologize. Also, can I have your house? It was just called unremarkable on a very important blog so you should probably move.

One of the most exciting attractions in my neighborhood is this ridiculously huge hedge. I think they put it up to protect residents from the rowdy people in line at the Laugh Factory (across the street). Added benefit: we are all protected from the ugly building behind the hedge (it’s supes gross).

Every time I pass the hedge, I think of a book I read a lot when I was a child, The Garden of Abdul Gasazi by Chris Van Allsburg. It’s filled with beautiful illustrations.

See! More zany typography. It makes the building so much hipper than it would be otherwise.

Giant tropical plant, HAY!

This building is disgusting and falling apart. But check out that aqua! Yum!

I think this building might be ugly. But I love the simplicity of the lines. So maybe it’s beautiful? Help me.

That pretty tree looks like it jumped out of a Japanese painting. Glamourtree.

This building has been my one true love for a while. It’s yet another example of how a good font can really change a whole building. Sure, the lines are classic and the beautiful stone slabs look expensive. But really it’s the lovely font, those strong 5‘s and that satisfying 0. If you look at this building from the side it’s just another apartment building with weird balconies and stucco siding. But the front makes it look like the most luxurious apartment building on the planet.

So there you have it. That’s my hood. I love it here and I’m never moving. Until I save up all that money to buy that dumpster I want.

Love,
Orlando

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Instagramz #96

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My Daddy Mac Needs a Caddy

Dear New MacBook Pro,

You are so expensive and fragile. As someone who is also expensive and fragile, I know the feeling. We need special protection. We like to be wrapped in beautiful things that shelter us from the harsh world around us. This is why I am seeking the best laptop case in the world. I want something that is both stylish and allows me to throw my computer across the room without breaking it. Thus far, I have no case and have been clutching my computer to my chest as I navigate the cruel homosexual world that I live in (imagine me, all alone, clasping my computer as I wait in line at Tender Greens amongst ferocious Gays clamoring violently for their delectable salads. Fear.). Below are some cases I’m looking at.

Felt Briefcase MacBook Sleeve from Etsy, $34

This one reminds me of a warm wool sweater on a cold college day. And let’s face it, what day in college wasn’t cold?

Hardback Leather Case from BookBook, $79

I’ve loved this one for a while. I know it’s kind of gimmicky but I love books so much and miss carrying them around. actually, let’s be real. I miss reading them, too. Now all I do is look at them quizzically and wonder why they don’t scroll when I run my finger down the page. Why aren’t any of the words clickable? I’m so scared and confused.

Protective Sleeve from InCase, $49.95

This one is really basic/boring, but that little pop of baby blue makes me happy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Vinyl Laptop Bag from American Apparel, $34

I like this one because it goes along with my whole Japanese Rapper persona. What, you say? You didn’t know about my Japanese Rapper persona? You have, like, so much to learn.

Trompe L’Oeil Laptop Case from Urban Outfitters, $29

I like this one because it reminds me of being in art school. Which reminds me of being sullen and aloof. Which reminds me of how cool I used to be. Which fills me with anxiety for being such a dork now.

Grey Wool and Brown Leather MacBook Sleeve from Etsy, $79

The combination of the wool and the leather straps is doing a delightful 1940s American Schoolhouse thing for me. It works.

Tan Leather Laptop Bag from Topman, $95

Doesn’t this leather look soft and inviting? Like you want to rub it all over your supple cheeks? Even though it’s made out of the skin of a dead sentient being, bred solely for the purpose of being eaten and/or skinned? I still want it. I hate myself.

Wooden Laptop Case with Leather Lining from Rainer Spehl, $200

This is the heavy-duty case I’m looking for. While all the other ones are soft and pillowy (like my belly after the holidays), this one is hard and strong (like my boyfriend’s irritatingly perfect abs). I can imagine dropping this off a building, my computer emerging without a scratch.

Pendleton Laptop Case from Etsy, $55

I love this geometric pattern. This is the perfect case for someone who needs to bring their laptop along to Coachella or Cinespia.

Grab Laptop Folio from Hard Graft, $235

How cool is that hand strap? If I had this one I’d take it everywhere with me, just to feel cool for having such a beautiful laptop case. Also, if I had this I’d be homeless because, damn Gina! That’s expensive. But necessary? I don’t know what to do!

Which one do you think I should buy?

Love,
Orlando

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The Colors of Charlie

Charlie Designer Matthew Zink

Dear Matthew Zink,

I’m a huge fan of your line of men’s and women’s swimwear. Not only are your pieces well-fitted and glamourous, they also come in a variety of colors that please my eyeballs. I seek out color in all aspects of my life, from the interior of my home, to the art I make, to the clothing I wear. Thus, I was delighted to find a collection of swimwear that so unabashedly incorporates color. Below is a selection of my favorite suits in the very best colors.

Vintage Soccer Short, $75

I’m a sucker for pink swim trunks. Nothing says “I’m the funnest thing at this pool party” better than Barbie pink. Speaking of Barbie, this model is a life-size Ken doll.

Trainer, $91

This color is called “Canopy” and reminds me of the luxurious color I used to upholster my sofa. Very pretty.

Trainer, $65

The only place you can get away with shorts this short is at Gay Beach. And if you don’t know where Gay Beach is, I worry for you.

Resort Short, $155

I’m into this cut for a swimsuit. It acknowledges the existence of the male thigh without exploiting it. Whatever that means.

Trainer, $91

This citron color is to die for.

Resort Short, $90

Again, love the sky blue. Especially when paired with those white shoes.

Trainer, $91

Orchid Pink. This color makes me so excited. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.

Trainer, $91

Electric blue. To go with my eyes.

Lifeguard Brief, $50

Just when you thought he couldn’t look any more like Barbie, he went and put on this little number. I know a lot of people have reservations about dudes in Speedos, but I think if you can pull it off, why not? After all, who wants a lot of fabric weighing him down when he is swimming, trying to be free? You only live once.

Trainer, $91

That “Canopy” color again. If I were a shade of blue, I’d like to think I’d be that one.

Trainer, $65

This color is clearly the winner of the bunch because it’s so distinctive. You don’t see pink like this every day. You know what else you don’t see every day? Human-size Ken dolls running around in tiny neon swimsuits. And that is, like, such a shame.

Love,
Orlando

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Before & After: Paintingtimez in the Bedroom

Dear Normal Person,

What do you like to do for your birthday? Do you like to eat spaghetti with your fiancé, simultaneously slurping on the same noodle until you eventually kiss? Do you like to go to Chuck E Cheese’s with a group of grown ups just to terrify the children and their parents? Do you like eat birthday cake, alone, in the closet?

What do I like to do for my birthday, you ask? Well, I like to force my friends to paint my bedroom with me while we drink wine and talk about how a life without art is not life at all. This year my delightful friend Erika Lawrence Gragg helped me paint. Below are the riveting images of how it turned out.

While buying paint for a client, I came across a great color called “Attic” from Porter’s Paints. To save money, I took the paint chip to Home Depot to have it matched. This taught me a very important lesson: trying to save money usually just makes you waste more money. The color produced by Home Depot’s color matching service looked like purple toothpaste and made me want to violently barf all over the place.

To solve the paint problem, I went to everybody’s favorite hardware store (Koontz Hardware in West Hollywood) and grabbed a few more pain samples:

I chose Benjamin Moore In Your Eyes (#715)

And Benjamin Moore White Rain (#708)

I really wanted In Your Eyes to work out just because the name is so ridiculous and amazing, but sadly it was a little too baby blue for me. As for White Rain, it skewed slightly too aqua and would have made my room look a swimming pool. And while I’ve always wanted to live in a swimming pool, I also wanted my room to retain some of its dignity. I ended up going with a grayer, more sophisticated Benjamin Moore color called Pale Smoke (#1584):

I liked Pale Smoke because it borders three of my favorite colors: blue, grey, and aqua. Like my mood, the color completely changes depending on how much sun is in the room.

Here are some pictures of what my boring, white walls looked like before I painted them.

After hours of toiling and getting paint all our faces, painting was complete.

I used a small trunk as a side table on my side of the bed.

I found this architectural drawing at the flea market a while back. The wire horse sculpture is from Emily.

This chair was purchased from a Goodwill in the desert for $10 and reupholstered in glamorous aqua linen for $80. I’m totally into the detail on the legs.

I found this little painting at an antique shop in Burbank. The Japanese print was a holiday gift from my mother.

I changed out the dark grey drapes for white ones. My room is so bright and sunny I thought dark, moody drapes seemed out of place.

This mirror from Ikea is kind of a ridiculous bargain. $129 and it’s enormous. Adds so much light and the illusion of more space.

I went to Long Beach Flea Market on Sunday and found this incredible sailboat. I’ve been wanting one for ages so it was a dream come true for me.

I put this painting over the bed but my boyfriend thought the color palette was too monochromatic with the rest of the room so I ended up changing it out.

A globe fills an awkward space where a plant used to live (until it died because there’s no direct sunlight over there).

If I paint any more rooms grey in my apartment I might have to rename the whole place 50 Shades of Grey.

The End,
Orlando

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