Around The Apartment: Let’s Paint Something!

Dear Diary,

Lately I’ve been working at home a lot. Sometimes I love working from home. I can drink coffee all day whilst listening to NPR and not wearing any pants. But sometimes it makes me feel like a crazy person. The late summer heat makes me feel restless and being alone all day with only Facebook chat and the crisp, clear voice of Lachshmi Singh to keep me company can totally isolating. Thus, I’ve decided to go back to my roots as a lunatic artist. I figure if I have to be alone all day I might as well become a weirdo recluse that makes dumb paintings and spends the rest of the day rearranging pots of succulents. That is pretty much what I do anyway so this wont be a major change of pace for me.

This is what my dining room looks like right now. Mess. Kind of like your mom.

According to my scientific calculations, I like the color blue.

My glamourous (and clever) friend World-Famous Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier had this canvas in his living room, waiting for me to paint it. In the interim, he put some vinyl lettering on it and hung it above his sofa. Let this be a lesson to everyone. If you don’t have an artist friend you can manipulate into making a painting for you, just think of something witty and write it on a blank canvas with vinyl letters (you can get these at any hardware store). This will make people think you are smart and popular and everyone will want to be your friend.

For some unknown reason my new thing is painting geometric shapes and juxtaposing them against organic, watercolored fields of color. I have no idea what this means but it probably has something to do with the fact that I was raised in the middle of the woods but always wanted to have pores so tiny that it looked like my skin was made out of plastic.

This is what my bedroom looked like until this morning. I was never really satisfied with the composition of the art on the wall but I didn’t know what to do so I just lived with it. Kind of like Katie Holmes lived with Tom Cruise for five years before she ran screaming and flailing from the house.

I used to be obsessed with gallery walls and wanted to put them everywhere. But I’m sort of getting tired of them and now I just want enormous paintings everywhere. Collected gallery walls have their place, but you just can’t beat a big ass painting.

This is what the bedroom looks like now. I made this painting for Matthew Lanphier but now I kind of want it for myself. I hate it when that happens.

I had to put the painting in my bedroom because I loved it so much I wanted to sleep with it. Wink.

I’m also experimenting with having this gigantic cactus in my bedroom. I know it’s terrifying, but I love how sculptural it is. Plus, I grew it from a baby and I’m really proud of how big it’s gotten. I’ve had it since I was sixteen. Which wont be any consolation when it falls over on my face one night while I’m sleeping and I have to wear a Phantom of the Opera mask for the rest of my life.

How pretty is this succulent? The bright color makes me so happy I want to bite it in half.

A fun fact about me is that I am dating a convict and he stole this succulent and gave it to me. Part of that story is true (but I wont tell which part).

Like most modern homosexuals, I like to casually display books and plants to let people know that I not only love literature, I also love nature.

I made this piece for my kitchen. You really can’t go wrong with a pink painting. Ever.

I found this mask at Goodwill for $5 and fell in love with it. I have no idea where it’s from because I’m not a professional anthropologist but it looks like it could be from Mexico.

Perhaps I haven’t solved the issues of boredom and isolation that come with working from home, but at least I have a few more things to ogle while I do. And what is the point of life if it isn’t to sit by yourself, ogling the objects around you that will never be able to replace actual human companionship?

Love,
Orlando

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24 Comments

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24 responses to “Around The Apartment: Let’s Paint Something!

  1. L

    You just made me laugh. Really hard. My partner made fun of me for laughing so hard, but I’ve made peace with that; mostly because he is writing a blog post about disagreements right now and I think it’s a fitting approach to take. Thank you for sharing your hilarious words with the internet.

    Signed,
    Long-time Reader, First Time Commenter

    PS: Everytime my ears hear “Lachshmi Singh” my brain hears “Watch me sing!!” and get excited and imagine her standing in the Lincoln Memorial singing into a hairbrush. You’re welcome for that.

  2. Elisa

    Where’s my painting?!

  3. J

    I’m with L – I just laughed a lot reading this post…alone in my apartment. Annnd then I laughed even more reading L’s comment.

  4. Kirk

    Orlando, You need to meet my best friend, his name is Gold Leaf. I took an ugly white plaster flower lamp and gold leafed it, and its amazing. I then gold leafed a buddha head and antiqued it and it looks like i stole it from a monastery. You need to put gold leaf on a canvas, you will die. I want to gold leaf everything i own, its so warm and pretty, not gold in that trashy new jersey gold leafed furniture way. Im obsessed, and you will be too. It has everything a gay loves, its super fine and thin, blows away in the wind, shiny, and the more you use a makeup powder brush on it, the better and cleaner it looks.

  5. beth

    Do you do commissions??

  6. Hahaha I have no idea how I ended up here, but this post was quite funny :) totally loving the succulentas… I think I’m getting some of those :) kind regards from costa rica!

  7. “Kind of like your mom.” I am dying laughing right now all alone at 1:22am EST. This is my favorite post of yours yet. Not only did it kill me laughing, but I learned something and feel like it’s okay to do art in different ways. Love takeaways.

    I checked out your site after your guest post at Emily’s and with this post I am now hooked. Anyways, I’m sharing a lot, but the point is, you have a fan that checks every night for a new post and waits on your words! Thanks!

  8. Vickie Shields

    First of all, I found you – on accident – a few months ago and now I can’t get enough of you! Don’t you wish your boyfriend told you that every day??!! Second, I recently had a rat bastard named Isaac that stole all the plants and furniture off my front porch (along with my siding and electricity for 6 days and is DARING enough to try to form ANOTHER disturbance in the Gulf of Mexico!) SO, as I read this today I thought Hmmmmm succulents! How very attractive and wouldn’t they just love to live on my front porch in New Orleans??!!?? So, bye bye peace lily and whatever that other plant was I got from a funeral many years ago and hello succulents! Going to make that my weekend project now that all the hurricane cleanup is complete! Thanks for the idea and come visit!

  9. Hillary Tuck

    Your posts make me happy. Your wit, charm, self-deprecating humor, and kooky view of the world makes me smile. Hats off, and thanks.

  10. Jen

    You’re feeling especially snarky this morning, aren’t you? Love it. ;) That painting looks really good in your room. Keep it.

  11. Kathy

    Luuurv that blue painting; I may have to steal it! If it’s any consolation, your phantom mask will be gorgeous. :-)

  12. “Like most modern homosexuals, I like to casually display books and plants to let people know that I not only love literature, I also love nature.”

    Haha! Love it. If there is ONE thing I want the world to remember about me when I die, it’s got to be the fact that I love literature and nature.

  13. Your blog is perfection! Every single one of your posts is just…. amazing lol ;) you never fail to make me laugh

  14. ame

    This might well be my favorite post of yours to date!

  15. you had me at joan didion. i also used to date crackheads. i did learn not to marry them.

  16. Puh-lease open an etsy store and sell tons of your amazing paintings on them.

  17. Hi Orlando- I just discovered your blog and artwork today (through Emily Henderson’s blog) and totally love them both! I’m a design blogger w/ a day job in comedy TV, so I can always appreciate a good TomKat simile (I just happened to use one myself in my last Project Runway recap: http://www.riotfordesign.blogspot.com/2012/09/project-runway-season-10-recap-episode-8.html)! I look forward to more hilarious posts!

  18. I am extremely impressed with your cactus-growing skills! And your cacti collection as a whole is lovely. You definitely need an Etsy store! even if you only put a few paintings up now and again it will alleviate boredom/fidgeting tendencies and pay for more paint and canvas, which I think is a win-win.

  19. Melissa

    Hi – I just clicked over to your blog from your friend Emily Henderson’s blog; I love what I am reading and seeing! You have earned a coveted spot in my “must read” blog list. Thanks for the laughs, from a corn dog eating, apple picking, country fair lovin’ girl in rural NH.

  20. francine

    this post was hilarious… that katie holmes comment killed me! also, i am loving your yellow succulent!!

  21. Lori

    So, I know I’m late to the party, but I’m still hoping you check the comments because I’m dying to know what that yellow succulent is. I must have one!

  22. KK

    Your apartment is gorgeous! Let’s paint! Or at least come down to 112 and give me some decoration advice ;)
    Love your Selma Heights Neighbor,
    Khara

  23. Stephanie

    Hello! Just found your blog today, it is very wonderful. I really hope your cactus doesn’t fall over on you in your sleep. Anyway, I’m commenting on this post because it made me laugh, alot, but I’d also like to tell you, in confidence, that I share and understand your house number obsession.

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