10 Rules For Sexy Gay Homosexual Halloween Costumes

My Siblings & Me On Halloween, 1986 (I’m The Grey Mouse)

Oh Halloween,

Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted  houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.

Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.

Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.

Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:

If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?

Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.

Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:

And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.

(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.

For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:

Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.

Like a police man.

What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!

Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):

And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:

Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.

Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.

But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?

A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.

Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:

And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:

Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.

Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:

Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.

Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!

No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.

However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.

Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.

Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:

And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.

Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.

This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:

Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.

Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:

Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).

For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:

But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).

Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).

Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.

Happy Halloween!

Love,
Orlando

134 Comments

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134 responses to “10 Rules For Sexy Gay Homosexual Halloween Costumes

  1. Matthew Streib

    Ummmm….. I’m being a sexy Easter Bunny. Now I feel regret.

  2. Jerry Mazzola

    Best tip…” don’t eat anything” But neglected to say ” for 5 years previous to getting dressed in costume”.

  3. Dr. Sean

    as a long-time team-mate of Scottish Lad model #2, better-looking Tarzan in loin cloth, etc., I can confirm. he’s one of us. he is also incredibly nice (and not just, ‘nice for a guy who is so good-looking’), funny, and makes some pretty interesting art. and he’s a pretty darn fast swimmer, too.

  4. Mr-DJ

    (DJ) – I’m sorry, but I’m still trying to figure out what a “Gay Homosexual” is…

    • AJ

      Agreed, I believe it’s redundant…but apparently his way of saying gay man, or homosexual male…homosexual doesn’t imply gender, but I think this is overkill at an attempt to be humorous…most of the blatant ‘haha’ moments kinda flopped for me in this one.

      • Exactly,, “gay homosexual” redundant @ best — “big mo” would have been more on point,,, big = flaming queen & mo=well, slang, but obvious,,,

    • Andy V

      In the title, gay is referring to the person (man) and homosexual is referencing to the costume. Hence the comparison between straight and homosexual costumes.

      • Vick

        It’s very embarrassing, as a gay man, to read this entry. It’s not ‘enjoyable amusing fun’ the way certain gay homosexuals like to be intentionally redundant. Orlando: you aren’t a child, you aren’t a twink, and you aren’t stupid. Don’t act like an idiot for the sake of being endearingly silly cute. Because as you can see, it’s not cute and it makes ‘gay homosexuals’ look uncouth and ignorant.

    • Everyone complaining about the author playfully being redundant needs to stop. If you’re bothered by playful, conversational writing, then you should get off the internet. And also don’t buy any books. Because that tends to happen. A lot. It’s called writing.

  5. PecTittyBounce

    And this is why Gay men are always stereotyped. But I would do the gay Mario Bros. if I saw them cruising me in the local Eagle Bar.

  6. I like to do gay couples throughout time. The Hubs and I were Antony and Ceasar once, Blue and Red Power ranger once and this year I’m painting myself with blue latex so we can be Vanity and Hefty Smurf. Gay x 2!

    • Kirk

      I am going as sexy Cesear for halloween, and thanks to you I am going to force my man to be Antony! I was having such an issue with a couples costume because apparently slutty/sexy peter pan and slutty capt hook were too difficult. And because gays cant be the same costume on friday and saturday before halloween, I am also going to be a slutty/sexy wolf and he is going to be a slutty/sexy lamb. Duh.

  7. HateShallowQueens

    ” And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.”

    How about you die in a fucking fire, you shallow piece of whore? Fags like you are why a lot of fucked-up gay teens kill themselves. Perhaps you should follow their example.

  8. Patrick

    Out of all these my favorite is the 1986 Gizmo costume!!! And that little girl with the cardboard box on her head is hilarious.

  9. Salem

    I think you’re conflating ‘gay’ with ‘has a six pack’.

  10. iam notafaggot

    Bunch of filthy faggots

  11. Ed

    Didn’t you just write an article about gay people having to live up to unrealistic beauty expectations? Also, the sexy Indian is kinda sorta racist.

  12. I love this post, really made me smile. As an Englishman, with Scottish grandparents, living in Australia I don’t get much opportunity to dress up for Halloween, but I did like the straight man doing Scottish vs. gay man doing Scottish examples, I might have to get my kilt out (the leather one)

  13. So well done, thanks for the laugh! …all SO true.

  14. juan

    Clever, but why do write “gay homosexual” or “homosexual gay”? Do you also write “straight heterosexual” ? I am puzzled.

  15. o'brien michael

    will you be wearing your fairy princess costume again?

  16. Yeah, the “sexy Indian” thing is kinda racist, y’all. Might wanna remove that.

    • Joseph Colt

      The indian racist? The holiday is all about playing characters as an actor doees. Saying playing a native american is racist is like playig count Dracula is politically incorrect because it stereotypes eastern Europeans from Romania. (lol)

      • Ed

        Dracula is a character and Native Americans are real people. It’s completely racist. There’s tons of literature on it, if you don’t believe it.

    • Allan

      The Indian is racist, but the Scot is not?

      Some people just take political correctness to the extreme.

      • Victor

        Woah woah woah.
        1. Colt, a white actor playing a Native American is racist; it’s a form of racism called whitewashing and is a problem for many actors who are, for example, ‘too black’ for a part, even if the part is for a black person.
        2. Allan, Native American is a race, Scottish is a heritage. Either of these costumes belittles the culture of Native Americans or Scottish people. That’s not to say that dressing as a Scotsman or a Native American is necessarily belittling, but these certainly are reductionary.
        3. Ed is right. You can argue all you want about how Dracula is a form of cultural appropriation, but it really doesn’t pan out, since he’s not supposed to be a real person (unless you count Vlad the Impaler, and somehow I don’t think he’ll mind being stereotyped).
        4. This article is ‘clearly’ (I use the word loosely because, by the looks of it, it may have not been all that obvious), a joke, written to make fun of the fact that gay men’s costumes are oversexualized in a similar, albeit not quite equivalent, way that women’s halloween costumes are, and are also used, as many costumes are, in ways that belittle important aspects of certain cultures. They’re not promoting these costumes, but using them as examples. Ryancrobert probably has the closest idea for these. It’s a satire on the idea of turning these (mostly) important or cultural outfits and uniforms into sexy costumes.

    • Making fun of the people that dress up as “sexy indians” is racist? So if we make fun of homophobes we’re being homophobic? I think you’re confused about how humor works.

  17. PC_is_a_Bore

    It would be nice if the whiny arsed Politically Correct brigade would grow a sense of humor larger than their minuscule genitalia. I doubt teens are reading this; and if they are they can more often recognize a joke than these fun killing PC knob-heads, Grow up and get over yourselves and stop taking the fun out of life for everyone else. No one wants to party with the haters for Halloween.

      • Ed

        Wait…you’re interested in queer theory (as per your profile info) and you don’t get why this is ridiculous and damaging? Get your tuition back while you can.

    • Eric

      OMG, you’re so right, racism is hilarious! Wouldn’t want to treat people with respect if we’d have to come up with new jokes, am I right??

      • There’s a difference between being racist to make a joke, and making fun of people that are unintentionally being racist. This is the latter. Learn the difference. It’ll help in life.
        Do you also think that Stephen Colbert is homophobic? (Psst. He isn’t. He’s just making fun of the people that actually are. It’s this brand new thing called satire!)

  18. Is the term SUPPOSED to be funny? If it’s not- it’s offensive, and shows ignorance on the part of the writer. It’s just strange. Love the pics and the comparisons, though. The term just makes me wince.

  19. who *are* these humorless people leaving comments…???

  20. Tom

    LOVE this! Needed a laugh and this was it. :-)

  21. Breckgus

    Who are these boring, painfully obvious people with the lame, stereotypical, unimaginiative, uninspired, shallow senses of humor that find this dreck even the slightest bit funny? You still buy-in to all this “gay look” crap? What decade, better yet, what century are you living in? It’s like “Keeping Up With The HardAssians.” Uuuuugggggghhh.

    • No, no, no…..what??? Even the writer doesn’t buy into it. For god’s sake they use the term gay homosexuals! It’s SATIRE….IRONY. The entire Blog post is OBVIOUSLY meant to be a joke. If you read the preface it’s beyond clear that the writer is intelligent and informed, and actually quite unhappy with the culture that is so pervasive with every halloween costume being about sex. But god, sometimes you’ve just got to laugh or you’ll cry. So JEEZ, let people laugh huh? Get over yourself, and just….laugh.

      Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhh.

      • Breckgus

        I’m laughing right now. I like wit. This shit is all so incredibly tired and boring. Old jokes based on outdated stereotypes. The kind of lame humor you’d find in a sad, two-bit drag show stand up routine or a “sex addicts anonymous” holiday email update. You really find it funny? Wow, you’re easy.

    • nick dee

      I will buy into the gay look if it means we are all hot and jacked i can deal with it

    • Ew, why are you so negative and horrible? Go away. If you’re so above this kind of humor, then go find and hang out with people that live up to your standards.

    • yeah, I guess I am easy. I don’t take life too seriously. And to be honest, I happen to be in a place in my life where every single one of my gay friends jokes about the “sexy” costumes on halloween, whether they go slutty or scary. sorry you’re in a place where you’ve gotten too bogged down by the bad in it all, that you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness of it anymore. *shrug* to each his own and all that.

  22. MK

    Omg. The gay Mario & Luigi was one of the funniest, most awesome (and hottest) things I’ve seen in forever.

  23. Your first example of a Gay Mario and Luigi are actually 2 straight guys that dressed up as a joke some years back. He still takes rib poking shit for it but he doesnt care.

  24. Joe

    My favorite costume here is his sister’s getup with the pink dress and the box on her head. Love!

  25. Chris

    Very funny & well done…this coming from somebody who is really sick of gay sexy costumes. And all you offended readers out there…grow a pair and remember what it was like to laugh wayyy back whennn…..

  26. Jumper

    Wholey CRAP! Some folks need to get a fucking sense of humor. LOL!

  27. mike r

    “Gay male homosexuals”?????!!!!!
    WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?
    Oh yeah! Somebody who isn’t GAY!
    P.S. This is how porn stars strippers and models dress. Not “Gay male homosexuals”
    I wanna puke.

  28. creeped

    We never really got Halloween in Australia so I feel like I missed out. Now I’m in London. I think it’s time to go balls out! Perhaps a bad choice of words. Or is it…..

  29. John S.

    This is totally feeding Gay Stereotypes. Where is the married Gay couple handing out candy!? Stop giving the conservative wing every ammunition needed to deny gay rights!!!! ACT LIKE A REAL LOVING ADULT AND LET YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF OUR COMMUNITY CHANGE!!! I am gay and i can’t say making everything tighter and shorter actually makes you sexy. If you are a model, maybe — if you are a normal gay guy you will just look like you are trying too hard to get something up your butt — that brings major negative attention and fuels the fire of hate and misunderstanding! ORLANDO SORIA, You are an idiot.

  30. someone

    I can’t tell which part of this I find the most offensive…

  31. Kirk

    its all satire people. Orlando is actually trying to make a point about a subculture (albeit a super fun one) and the jokes are going over peoples heads. I guess we have to dumb things down for people and tell them what they are reading is meant as a joke.

  32. Jen

    Bravo, Orlando. Bravo. I LOL’d ;) Fuck the haters.

  33. Whoa!

    people are taking this way too seriously
    Though I do admit, the lines between humorous and hurtful are slightly blurred on some points…..

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  35. Lori

    Sweet grilled cheesus, people, settle down. Personally, I found this hilarious.

    Anyone else now in the mood to sit down and watch Queer as Folk? No? Just me? OK then….

  36. Has taste

    Any fag who dresses up as a sexy whatever is tasteless, tacky, and insecure. Way to promote horrible body images ! To those of you reading this who might not look like these models, it’s okay, the vast majority of us fags make fun of these people and they usually end up at some random after hours and wake up with cold sweats and a sometimes fatal STD !!!

    • Wow, seriously? You claim that they’re promoting horrible body image… And then you go and make fun of them for exposing their bodies? No, sir. You’re the one with the horrible idea of body image. People can dress whatever way they want, no matter what body type they have. Having a positive body image does not mean “everyone has to look like THIS or else we make fun of them.”
      Fuck off. Also, learn what satire is. Because that’s what this post was. Gain a brain cell. Thanks. Bye.

  37. Tom

    This was so funny! I loved it { and now I have to go purge as Halloween parties are 6 days from now and I feel fat ;-) }

  38. Grimly

    As a straight man, I can say that one of the major differentiators I perceive between gay and straight male language tends to be (but not always) the quality of adjectives used by my same-gender oriented brethren. Perhaps Orlando was using “gay” with a nod to its earlier meaning hoping that readers would get it; nobody likes partying with sour, old (in their heads) anybody – homo or hetero.

  39. Pingback: 10 Rules for sexy gay halloween costumes | BosGuy

  40. Loved this post and have linked to it in a quick write up about your tips and suggestions on my blog.

  41. Seriously, this comment section is making me lose faith in the gay community. Do y’all REALLY not understand what satire is? I mean, jeeze. Do you people get offended every time Stephen Colbert opens his mouth too? Because it’s literally the exact same thing.

  42. Goran Funic

    Is this supposed to be funny? Stupid article reinforcing insecurities in gay men who think they all must have eight pack abs and walk around naked to be “truly gay”. Fuck this, I’m going as an “upstanding Mario”.

  43. Goran Funic

    Oh I just saw whose blog this is. Figures. Spewed out attention whoring, link bait crap before.

  44. These are awesome! I particularly like the Mario and Luigi idea. I’ve always wanted to dress up as that pairing with my husband, but hated the idea of adding a padded stomach. Plus, the original isn’t a very flattering costume. The unique leather version is much better, and you can still tell who they are.

  45. ALOHA CONCHAN

    I LOVE THIS . . . . especially the angel one!

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  47. nice……i ,love this

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  51. Does it turn a woman lesbian if she wears a sexy costume?

  52. sexy pics!!!
    especially liked the sexy super mario

  53. I JUST LOVE IT
    more posts like this please!!!!!

  54. wearing provocative dress during carnival is rather mild thing to do- as masks are to show opposites to one’s real identity

  55. As a male figure skater myself, I probably shouldn’t have laughed so hard at number 7. But I did. At least skating attire shows off your ass and isn’t always glittery? Let’s go with that.

  56. wiredream

    This post makes me ashamed that I’m gay.

  57. G

    What is a gay homosexual? I’m confused.

  58. Marko Alfaro

    Thanks, i loved the mickey mouse one thanks thanks

  59. Angel wings and a tiny handkerchief! Of course! That’s Halloween sorted.

  60. All these costumes are slutty, its halloween where are the scary costumes, eff that

  61. Ananomous

    #9- I can see the honker…….. Barely

  62. Also, I do believe it’s Scot and not “AS a Scottish”

    lol/ also, all that ^^

  63. Brian

    believe it or not ppl, some of us live places where it gets really cold on Halloween. any non perv suggestions that involve more clothing? are all the gay men in my community really this sexually denied that they have to see almost naked guys every event they go to no matter what time of year. These should be pride suggestions

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  65. 1

    Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
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    LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

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