Monthly Archives: January 2013

Top Ten Gay Houses To Live In Before You Die

Dear Boy Scouts of America,

Remember that one time you banned gays from your organization, even though like half of everyone that was ever a Boy Scout is gay? Think about it, anyone who wants to run around in the woods, make crafts (pinewood derby anyone?), wear tiny navy blue shorts, and do role playing games where you pretend to be Paul Bunyon is probably a homosexual. As a former Scout myself, I was offended when you decided to make the ban on gays official.

As a Boyscout, you learn to be resourceful, inventive, and to make a tent out of your old clothing and some sticks you find in the woods. Boy Scouts are taught to survive in the harsh wilds of the forest, scavenging for food and making comfortable forts out of found objects. With just a few items, they can make a comfortable living environment in the middle of the woods.

You know who else can take a bunch of junk and turn it into a glamorous house? The Gays. Which is why it’s so rude that you banned us. Below are some examples of Gays that have created beautiful, comfortable homes you’d be proud to camp out in. So, take that, Boy Scouts! You may have kicked us out but we sought solace in these gorgeous interiors. (Or at least this list of rich people did).

Oh, but wait, before we get to the rich people, check out my (Gay) apartment on Refinery 29!

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Photo by Erin Yamagata, see full article here.

Ok, not onto rich people…

1. Elton John and David Furnish in Architectural Digest

The design of this place, in a high-rise on the West Hollywood, Beverly Hills border, is ultra Gay. But super fun. Just like Elton and David!

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2. Ricky Martin in Home Bunch

Like Ricky Martin himself, his Golden Beach, Florida home is cheesy, big, and a little bit sexy. Here is Ricky Martin’s beautiful body:

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And here is his ugly house:

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3. Randolph Duke in Architectural Digest

Like you, I wasn’t really sure who Randolph Duke was.

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But his (former) house, designed by famed architecture firm XTEN, is pretty awesome, full of angles sharper than Victoria Beckham’s cheekbones.

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I have no idea what is going on in this crazy space, but I like how it feels like “The Jetsons.”

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4. Gore Vidal in Luxist

Oh Gore Vidal, how I envy every aspect of your life. Except the whole self-loathing, biting critic part. Here you are with JFK:

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And here’s your glamourous Hollywood Hills home. Spanish and filled with art and objects. It’s classic Gay Man at its best.

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5. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi in Architectural Digest

Just when you thought this blonde power couple couldn’t get any cuter, here is their ridiculously awesome house. Oh that I could die and come back to have two mommies. And that those two mommies were these ladies. And that I could live in this dope house. Dreams…

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ellen-degeneres-house-16 6. Tom Ford in Hooked On Houses

Tom Ford’s obnoxiously immaculate aesthetic translates well into fashion:

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It also translates well into interiors. Check out his totally perfect London Townhouse. I get the feeling that dating Tom would be totally annoying. Like he wouldn’t let you sleep in the bed because he didn’t want you to wrinkle the sheets. So he’d make you sleep on the floor. Which would be worth it I guess because then the bedroom would always look like this:

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7. Fashion photographer Steven Meisel in Architectural Digest

Famed (and openly gay) photographer Steven Meisel lives in this mid-century/regency wonder redesigned by Marmol Radziner.

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I die for this library. So many books to ogle and caress and love.

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8. Brad Goreski in Paper Magazine.

Sometimes I see this guy at the gym and I get really excited and scared. You know what else makes me excited and scared? The fact that he’s like 30 years old and lives in this CRAZY Hollywood Hills home. I hate him. But I love him. But mostly I hate him.

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Can you imagine how many adorkable baths he takes in here? Wearing nerd glasses and a bow tie?

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Those leather sling chairs. Come to me my darlings.

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9. Nate Berkus in Architectural Digest.

Another person to hate out of jealousy, Nate Berkus “lives” in this awesome Manhattan apartment. I say “lives” because I see him with his equally adorable boyfriend Jeremiah Brent in LA all the time (most recently at Rose Bowl Flea Market a few weeks ago). Anyway, Nate, if you’re reading this, do you mind just giving me your New York apartment? I’m super clean and that way you can hang out with Jeremiah, like, every day. Everyone wins!

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10. Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Justin Mikita in The Coveteur.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and his boyfriend Justin Mikita are kind of the cutest couple ever. And their home is full of character.

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How much do you love this illustration? I want. By Dazel Todd.

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That sofa and rug are a lot of pattern, but somehow it works. Well done!

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So, there you have it. Ten examples of why Gays are good at setting up camp (in their own homes). Thus, Boy Scouts of America, as you consider whether or not to lift your ban on Gays, think about all the luxurious houses you’ll be invited to if you do so. Because if there’s one faction of our society who knows how to take a dump and turn it into a palace, it’s the Gays. And yes I know that was a terrible stereotype that just set us back 50 years, but it’s true. It’s true because I said so.

Love,
Orlando

PS: Don’t forget to read my interview on Refinery 29!

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