Are you, like me, still hungover from celebrating New Years? Did you mean to have tons of resolutions this year, but now you’re too braindead and irritated to think of any? Well you’re in luck, because I’ve taken the liberty of thinking of some resolutions for you. Living by these rules will bring you much success (and a man!) in 2013. I promise.
1. Go on a weird diet that freaks everyone out.
Whatever your body composition is, why not change it up for 2013? If, like me, you went a little crazy with eating and drinking during the holiday season, it’s time to go on a terrifying diet that will cause everyone around you to think you’re totally anorexic. And then you’ll be like “No I’m not!” (While chewing on a celery stick, wondering how many calories are in it). I tried this Crazy Vegetable-Based Diet a few months ago and it totally worked. The one downside was that it filled me with uncontrollable rage, but it was worth it because afterwards I looked like this guy (Kind of. Not really):
Ok, maybe I didn’t look exactly like that guy. But how much does that picture make you want to run on the beach in a Speedo? It seems pretty unjust that we live in world where we have to work and stuff when really we should all be running half-naked in the warm sun. Speaking of which, Warm Sun? Are you there? I miss you. Unfortunately, after I did that Crazy Vegetable- Based Diet, I ate my feelings at Christmas and now I feel like this:
Which is fine, just another reason to go on a weird diet so that I, like Oprah, can inspire people to get in shape.
For those of you who already have the perfect body, why not try being obese in 2013? This way you can see what life is like for the rest of us and why everyone hates you. And then you can get skinny again and your newfound humility will make you more attractive and finally a man will fall in love with you and you will be happy. Because happiness is dependent on a man loving you. Trust me, I learned this from watching movies based on Jane Austen novels.
2. Stack your phones.
I’d never heard of this practice until I was schooled by my sister and her posse of awesome San Francisco Lesbians (the best kind). Here’s how Phone Stacking works. When you are at dinner with friends, your lover, or a rich relative that you tricked into taking you to a fancy restaurant, you stack your phones and promise not to touch them for the remainder of the meal. Some groups even impose penalties on those who fail to leave their phone in the stack (i.e. they have to buy a round of drinks or give everyone $100). Being that half my social interactions involve me sitting in a room with other people staring into other screens whilst ignoring each other, I love the idea of stacking phones and showing those you are with they are worthy of your attention.
3. Stop comparing yourself to other people.
Every time my boyfriend and I get ready to go to the Gay Beach and or a Gay Beach-Themed pool party, I put on my favorite tank top and I’m ready to go. Then I see my boyfriend is wearing an even tinier tank top in an even brighter/more exciting color than mine. So then I put on a tinier/brighter tank top. Then he sees that and puts on an even tinier/brighter tank top. This goes on until we are wearing nothing but threads and basically look like homeless male prostitutes.
The moral of the story is to stop wanting what everyone else has. The more you compare yourself with other people the more you’re going to get frustrated by what they have that you don’t. Keep in mind that they are probably jealous of something you have. And if they’re not, they should be. Your hair has been looking really good lately. If you must compare yourself to other people, make sure you’re comparing yourself with those who are inferior to you.
4. Take pride in your home and make it beautiful.
Photo by Stephen Busken
Taking pride in your home means that you take pride in your life. If you allow your space to be cluttered and unconsidered, you are telling yourself you’re not worth anything better. Either that or you are just lazy. It should be everyone’s resolution not to be lazy this year. Thus, make a point to do something to your space to make it beautiful. Paint a room. Buy a new rug. Make a giant drawing and hang it above the sofa. Do something to show yourself that you deserve to be surrounded by beautiful things. If decorating your place sounds scary, boring, or annoying, hire one of these homosexuals to do it for you:
(Pictured above are yours truly and Internationally Renowned Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier).
If the idea of a homosexual decorating your house fills you with Gay Panic, hire a blonde girl with really big hair:
5. Do cute stuff with your Boyfriend (or Pretend Boyfriend) and take pictures of it.
As gay men, we don’t have a lot of cute couple role models. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris and his husband are ridiculously adorable. But is that all we get? I see tons of cute pictures of my straight couple friends all over Facebook. But rarely do I see cute gay guys canoodling each other or cooking dinner. And I want to. This means if you’re part of a gay couple, it is your duty to represent yourself. Do it for the children, but more importantly do it for me. Looking at pictures of cute gay couples fulfills me almost as much as looking at pictures of Ricky Martin lounging on the beach with his babies:
6. Get off Facebook.
Ok, I seriously doubt this is going to happen but I really wish it would. What happens on Facebook? Nothing. Facebook is an endless stream of information from gay hookers, people who hated you in high school, and strangers who want to wear your skin as a dress. I know this, and I hate it, but how many hours do I spend on it every day? 19. Why am I doing this to myself? This will be the year that I permanently delete my account. Just as soon as I update my status one more time…
7. Respect your ElderGays.
Face it, our gay elders had way cooler clothes than us, they fought for rights and privileges we enjoy, and they did it all whilst battling a terrifying disease that killed all their friends. Befriend older gay guys. They’re more interesting than you and me and they have tons of great stories. And money.
8. Don’t wait until you’ve had seven vodka drinks to address issues with friends and loved ones.
Remember that one time you waited until you were black out drunk to tell your best friend that you’d secretly been in love with him for six years? And then somehow you ended up fistfighting his current boyfriend in the back yard of a multimillion dollar Hollywood Hills estate? And then you woke up the next morning on top of a car wearing nothing but your super cheesy Aussie Bum undies and a party hat?
Here’s a thought, maybe you should have had that conversation when you were sober. That way, you could have expressed your feelings without acting like a total weirdo. Like me, you should feel free to talk about your feelings to whomever will listen. Even if their ears start bleeding and the run screaming from you after you’ve talked their ears off for 45 minutes about how your grandma always called you fat.
9. Grow a beard.
Because why not? They look hot. Here is more evidence:
10. Enjoy our beautiful planet before it’s engulfed in flames due to global warming and the upcoming end of days.
Some Gays choose to vacation on cheesy Gay cruises where everyone is on steroids and everyone feasts on ecstasy pills and protein powder whilst listening to circuit music on deck:
Don’t be one of those Gays. Instead, take a vacation to a beautiful, natural place. Often, gay homosexuals are too busy talking about Europe to notice there are a lot of nearby beautiful places to visit. If you’re in New York, flee to Storm King or the Dia:Beacon. If you’re in Southern California, take a hike at Tar Creek or take a gaggle of Gays and go camping at Catalina (I did that last year and it was to die for). The possibilities are endless. The world is a big beautiful place waiting for you to dive in:
So, there you have it. Your resolutions for 2013. Get to it, Gays!