Why Everyone Hates Couples

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Dear Couples,

The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. “Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn’t. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days.

I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.

This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. You’re lame if you have a partner. Couples are annoying. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.

You see evidence of the obnoxiousness of couples everywhere you look. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect. They’re handsome, well-educated, successful, and friendly. They invited me and my boyfriend and one other couple to dinner. To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. I am annoying. I hate couples. I hate myself.

This is not to say that I don’t love my boyfriend. I very much do. In fact, every day I wake up expecting to get dumped because he puts up with so many of my shenanegins. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. It’s a vicious daily cycle. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. Or perhaps worse. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world.

So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Here is a short list of annoying things couples do:

1. You say “we” instead of “I.”

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Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? As in, “We love your house!” Why don’t you just speak for yourself? Are you no longer a person? Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship? No one wants to hear your “we” speak all the time, it’s grating and exhausting.

2. You make everyone else feel like a third wheel.

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Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing!” (whilst still stifling laughter). These types of couples are the worst, and should be banished to islands where they can watch all the stupid movies they want in peace, without having to include anyone else in their hilarious banter.

3. You were more fun when you were single.

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To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watching New Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s (side note: it’s really delicious {I’m so lame! [ugh!]}).

4. Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you’re not going to hook up with anyone.

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Let’s be real, the best part of a party is afterwards when you can talk about who hooked up with who and then judge them while secretly wondering if they are having more fun than you. You can be like “Oh my god, Brian totally hooked up with Hollis and EVERYONE saw!” Couples destroy this potential for drama by only canoodling each other. What’s the fun in talking about a couple going home together? Snooze.

5. Because the dramatic relationship you have with your boyfriend seems interesting to you, but is boring to everyone else.

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Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. But then that becomes all they talk about and you’re left wondering why you ever encouraged them to talk in the first place because now you’ve become their therapist and they wont stop dumping their problems all over you?

6. You and your boyfriend look alike, and that’s creepy.

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You have the same skin color, the same eye color, and you wear the same outfits that you both bought at LASC. Stop it. You’re scaring everyone. We can’t tell you apart anymore and the fact you’re dating someone who looks that much like you is just further proof that you’re an egomaniac and a pervert.

7. Because inviting you means we have to invite your totally annoying boyfriend.

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Remember when we used to have fun dinner parties where we’d all sit around and laugh together and be so happy that we were friends? Well now that inviting you means I have to invite your obnoxious, sullen boyfriend we never have those fun dinners anymore. I miss the days when you were single and I could hang out with you without having to include your mood-ruining other half.

8. You just nuzzled noses. At. The. Dinner. Table.

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We get it. You love each other and need to show it. But do we really have to watch? (However, I kind of do want to watch these two nuzzle noses. Is that wrong?).

9. You act like you’ve been married for ten years and you’ve been dating for two weeks.

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Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! We’re buying a HOUSE!” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together. Some couples move superfast and act like it’s normal and talk about getting married after like three dates. Which sometimes means they will fall in love and last forever, but more often means they’re actual psychopaths and their relationship is going to end in exactly 17 days.

10. Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house.

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Gays, with their great taste and clever shopping tactics, have a superior ability to find cool stuff at flea markets and vintage stores. When you multiply this by two you have an unfair shopping advantage that means they’re stealing great finds from single people everywhere, and that’s not right. How are they supposed to get laid if they can’t trick out their apartment with awesome flea market finds? Selfish.

11. Let’s face it, sluts are more fun.

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Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. But in a good way. A way that makes you seem fun and young. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays. Different friends represent different parts of your personality. Single friends allow you to express your carefree, adventurous side while couplefriends allow you to express the side of you that wants to sit on a LazyBoy eating marshmallows all day. Which one would you choose?

12. You have twice the wardrobe because you’re the same size as your boyfriend and that’s just not fair to the rest of us who have to buy all our own clothes.

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Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a wardrobe these days? For example, camo is already out even though it just came back in after going back out after coming back in like 2 years ago. And varsity jackets are so necessary but in two weeks they are going to be frowned upon. It’s not fair that you have twice the amount of clothing just because you’re in a relationship.

13. You save money on rent by co-habitating, and that is also not fair to the rest of us who have to pay our own damn rent.

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Everyone else has to pay their own rent, and so should you! Why should you have a spare bedroom and an office just because you have a boyfriend?

14. Because you use the phrase “Date Night.”

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The term “Date Night” is annoying. What are we 16, finally allowed to go on dates for the first time? Are we animated dogs on a magical date in Italy, destined to suck on one piece of spaghetti until we accidentally kiss? Instead of “Date Night” why not just say “Business Meeting”? It’s far less annoying and it makes you sounds important. Sometimes when I am going to dinner with my boyfriend I tell people I have an important meeting with very powerful Japanese business men (the Japanese part is crucial because Japan is better than America, I hope you knew that). This lie not only relieves people of having to hear the term “date night” it also makes me sound powerful and important. Which really is the only reason to ever say anything at all.

15. You post pictures of your obnoxious smarmy dates and your stupid glamorous vacations all over Facebook while constantly writing saccharine status updates professing your love.

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I know, I know! I told you to do this in my Resolutions post. But I didn’t think you’d take me so seriously. I’m a blogger, for God’s sake, which basically means I’m a hobo that somehow got access to a computer. And I never said anything about professing your love on Facebook. That’s weird and uncomfortably intimate. That’s what texting is for. Duh.

16. Because your on-again, off-again relationship is constantly forcing your friends to choose whose side they’re on.

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Stop breaking up with your boyfriend, dumping all over me about it, forcing me to hear all sorts of terrible things about him, and then getting back together with him the next day. It’s exhausting and it makes me feel funny inside. Kind of like that picture of Nicole Ritchie running on the beach wearing a bikini.

17. You only hang out with other couples.

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Hey, Couples! Wanna know something interesting? Just because people are single doesn’t mean they are uninterested in your game night. Or that they don’t want to come on your couples trip to Ojai. Oh wait, yes it does. Nevermind.

I hope you enjoyed hearing me rant about why I hate couples and thus why I hate myself. This Valentines Day, I venture to guess I’ll be doing what I did last year. And the year before that. Which was gather up a group of friends and go out to dinner. Because I’ve been single my whole life up til now, Valentines has always been a time to celebrate the love I share with my family and friends. I can stare lovingly at my boyfriend (privately, in secret shame, without telling anyone) whenever I want, but V-Day remains a time to get together with friends, grab a drink, and talk about what a stupid holiday it is and how it was created by the greeting card industry to make money. So this holiday, screw couples. Let’s drink to family and friends whilst making fun of the couple canoodling at the table next to us. It’s only fair.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I got my pet peeves about couples off my chest. What are yours? Tell me everything!

183 Comments

Filed under Life

183 responses to “Why Everyone Hates Couples

  1. I really hate it when I’m driving somewhere with a couple, and they sit next to each other and have a very quiet conversation about like, chores they have to do together, or food they have to buy. Really? I just have to sit here and feel like I’m eavesdropping? I don’t know why it happens mostly in the car, but… it does.

    • It’s worse when they both sit in the back seat like you’re their chauffeur.

      • Nick

        And they have conversations at a level that you can’t hear and they laugh and have tons of fun. Yeah, I hate that $hit!

      • James

        Or when they both sit in the front seats and you’re sitting in the back like a bag of groceries.

      • I have one rule when it comes to guests in the car … If you’re a girl, a variant of of a girl, or just plain feminine, you sit in the passenger seat, front row. This tends to alleviate any of the “I feel like a bag of groceries” or in the case of most gays (like me) “The really cool gym bag that is totally a Gucci knock off but no one except me and the stalker sales lady know”.

      • oooooh i totally freakin hate that

      • YES! What is that?! You can be apart for the duration of a car ride!

      • rui asterisco

        worst is when the driver’s right hand keeps switching from the gear to the lover’s thigh… cant u take u’r hands off him for a freaking car drive?

      • Lord Sahan

        LOL @ James: “Or when they both sit in the front seats and you’re sitting in the back like a bag of groceries.”

    • tombocai

      worst is when the driver’s right hand keeps switching from the gear to the lover’s thigh… cant u take u’r hands off him for a freaking car drive?

  2. carlsan

    I often feel like a third wheel when I’m with coupled friends. I see their wonderful relationship and I know I want one of my own. The problem is mine and I don’t feel any animosity toward them. Just a bit jealous that they have what escapes me at the moment.

    • Cal

      I don’t like being with with my best friend and her boyfriend because they fight all the time and make me feel like I should go home and leave them to their personal shit. I definitely DON’T want what they have, even if I do want a boyfriend.

  3. Dan

    Re point #4. I’m holding out for a man who’ll happily come along to a party with me & scope out a hot bit of totty to take home for a 3-some. Problem solved.

    • Matt

      Dan, I like how you think!

    • Jason

      I’m with Dan on his point… I feel like (gay) couples who are more enlightened and don’t try to define their relationship through heteronormative coupling norms are much happier, have longer relationship longevity, and are a lot more interesting (fun).

      • Chris

        What? Gay people can’t be in a happy relationship and monogamous?

      • Drew

        Uggggh. “We’re happier because we have an open relationship!” Grats dude, glad that works for you. (I really am.) But stupid value judgments like this one aren’t actually better than the inverse coming from happy monogamists.

      • Ashley

        Hey! Same goes for us hetero couples, mister! :)

      • Phillip

        I’d care more about your thoughts if you used less redundant language. “heteronormative coupling norms?” “longer relationship longevity?” Ugh.

      • PQ

        Definitely disagree. Non-monogamy isn’t any more an ‘enlightened’ state than monogamy. Please don’t use your own desires to value or devalue others’ relationships. You can apply ‘hetero-normative’ labels at anything you don’t like that appears in (some) heterosexual couples, but that just shows your bias and hetero-phobia. yes, I am a gay man and I call you out on hetero-phobia.

      • This is one of those ideas that single people think would make couples more likable… but in reality, you then get these two skanky dudes who troll everywhere (your favorite club, a tasteful bar, the hairdresser’s) looking to score. What was cute when they were single and loose is just unattractive in a two on one; and, if you wind up at home with them, it’s either the ultimate in third wheel, or you become the fodder a future fight – hopefully not while you’re in the middle of doing it. Bottom line, we singles hate you couples – either you’re getting crazy sex with each other, or you become exponentially looser, and neither is especially fair (and also if you paired up and still think you need lots of sex with others… why bother?). F**k V-day, and couples. Just not together. :)

  4. Kerry

    As a single person, I frequently wish (aloud) for a boyfriend, but then my couple-y friends take it upon themselves to be condescending and tell me I’ll find someone, which is really just an excuse for them to say, “I did” and then move into a description if their relationship. Couples are the worst.

    • YES! In my mid-40s most of my friends are coupled and they keep reassuring me that I’ll find someone! Then when i demand guarantees they tend to shut up and a few minutes latter start talking about how they met their significant other

    • Andrew

      Single people who complain about being single are annoying too.
      Step 1: Improve your personality by complaining less.
      Step 2: Cut down on your checklist of “must-haves” (especially physical qualities such as “must not be skinny or overweight”, “must not be asian or black”, “must not be shorter than me” etc.) for potential boyfriends so that you might actually find somebody who fits the criteria.
      Step 3: ?????
      Step 4: Profit!!!

      • James

        Oh HELL and the Yes. this is a smart answer. Checklist = Single until you dump the checklist.

      • corey

        or as an alternative. Get comfortable enough with yourself that you dont need to validate your existence with a relationship. That way there is no need to complain and your standards can remain your own business because there will be no internal need or pressure to be with someone just because you are lonely. You can also ignore all those ridiculous people who try to make you feel inferior because you are single and realize that just because they settled, you never have to.

      • KRIS

        LMAO, you REALLY just quoted southpark on that! I CAUGHT YOU!

  5. I can definitely attest to the point of being FAR less fun when in a relationship. The highlights of my week typically are whether I found a great new bottle of wine or if there was abnormally light traffic on my commute home from work…

    • Trevor

      oh my gosh so true – took the words right out of my mouth – are we in a relationship together? potential for awkwardness right meow.

  6. CJ

    It’s so nice to read that I am not the only one that spends Valentine’s Day with my best friends. I have been gathering with friends for years now. However, there are some married couples that join. I know they join because I am a blast to hang out with. LOL. Cheers!

  7. My best friend has been dating this guy for a year. Before that, she was totally #11..a big ol sloot. And we had so much fun together! But now, whenever I call her up and say “Hey, wanna go out Friday, have dinner, get really drunk?” she agrees..and then shows up with her guy. He just trails along behind us the whole night with his mouth open and eyes glazed over (I’m pretty sure he’s that big stupid blue Monstar from Space Jam) not really saying anything. I asked her once why she has to bring him every time we go out, and she called me needy!

  8. Lance

    Couples that take better care of themselves, get cuter and continue to go out to the bars. Get fat already! Become a shut-in! I’m glad your newfound love of hot aerial pilates has made you even more flexible, and that your abs stick out like never before. You practically radiate couple-hood happiness and now you’re just ruining the curve. Go home, eat a pint of Chubby Hubby and leave the scene to us bitter singles. j/k, I love my coupled friends… ish.

  9. Javi

    When they get a cute puppy and parade in front of everyone like if you were the damn First family

  10. Kevin

    18. You (Orlando) are a fucking lousy, selfish friend.

  11. I saw a couple who walked together with their hands in each others’ back pockets. The guy was like 60 and the chick 40. Too old to be walking with their hands in each others’ back pockets. I wish I hadn’t seen that.

  12. Couples that routinely post/comment on each other’s Facebook with comments like “love you babe” “have a great day at work” “you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

    • James

      ME. TOO. it’s so gross and you know it’s totally for show. otherwise they would just text or call each other. they do it so everyone can see how in love they are. which makes me assume they’re not. lol

  13. I love this! I am also at least 50% a part of the most annoying gay couple on Earth. And I love your writing style. Amazing. I actually just put up a post today for what single people could do on V-Day on my blog Quarter Lyfe Crisis: “30 Fun Ideas to Avoid a Sad Single’s Awareness Day” http://quarterlyfecrisis.com/2013/02/07/30-fun-ideas-to-avoid-a-sad-singles-awareness-day/

  14. Mykelb

    I thought Valentine’s day was supposed to be about love, not couples. My bad.

  15. Craig

    Wow. I know you’re just trying to be funny, but this is what bugs me about “the gays”, the negativity. We should all be happy in whatever state we are in, single or coupled. If you’re going out of your way to worry about what someone else is doing, how about step back and just be happy being you. You don’t NEED a partner to be complete, but I say be positive and be happy for those people that are so ridiculously in love that it shows. Period.

  16. Joel

    valentine’s day is like having white male hetero appreciation day. your writing is fantastic! although, you have to admit being in a couple gives you an upper edge on…everything.

  17. zedwards

    This is now my new favorite blog. Hullarious and true.

  18. I hate t because everyone forgets it is SAINT Valentine’s Day!

  19. Joseph

    Mine happened recently when I took a seven hour road trip with a couple.. they were in the front seat, I was in the back..and they fought the whole way. One thought the other was driving too fast..the other didn’t like being nagged..the driver played “words with friends” all the way (oh that scared me most of all) lol. I like being single, however wouldn’t complain about being a couple either. Send a handsome one my way!

  20. Emilie

    When I was in college and momentarily single… It irked me when my roommate would be so damn lovey dovey and have “movie night” with her bf a few times a week! I finally started just walking around in my underwear for hours so he’d have to face the wall every time I got up!

    Ps: Your blog was amazing!!! Definitely my new fave!

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  22. Julio

    I do have a visceral reaction to the phrase “date night” as well. For me, the most irritating part of dealing with couples are those people that simply seem to lose sight of the fact that you as a friend still exist when they are in their relationship. Until there are issues and a possible break up and then they are back in your life full force. It’s understandable that you will spend more time with a boyfriend or a partner, but losing sight of your friends in the midst of that is something most gay men need to work on.

  23. Harley

    What I really hate is when your couplefriends fight in front of you, leaving you to feel awkward and not knowing what to do. And then ultimately one of them leaves and the other stays and vents to you about how unreasonable the other one is. Then the other comes back and is instantly mad at you because you were there to console his boyfriend, as if the appropriate response would have been to scream and run away when he’s crying on your shoulder. So fun, being the single in the middle!

  24. Jim

    Bitter, party of one!

  25. Bill.

    I tried to bust out the date nite concept on my BF. He hated the idea, always somehow made other plans and complained where ever we are, that I in fact could make this same meal at home for the fraction of the cost. Also, he pointed out that he sees me every day. We do watch movies at night, I stopped going to the gym and last nite sat there watching Girls on HBO while eating a box of Snyder Pretzels and drinking lemonade. My single freinds all brag how they don’t even watch tv or even have cable anymore, eat at every single hip restaurant in Seattle and go to happy hours at bars if they aren’t at the gym.

    • bebe

      yes! exactly!! there are those of us like me and you, bill, who want to be in a relationship AND still live a fun lifestyle! i don’t want to give up fun because i’m dating someone! my boyfriend is JUST like yours! sullen and moody unless we’re sitting at home. he refuses to go out with me now that we live together! we used to have so much fun going to dinner, going to the park or beach, going out to clubs/bars. now he hates doing anything outside the house, or anything that costs money, won’t try anything new, only orders delivery if i want to eat out, and refuses to go to bars/clubs with me. he claims the only reason he ever went out before was to find someone. now he’s found me he has no use for going out. anywhere! uh, i want to go out because it’s FUN. i like dancing! i like meeting people! i like nature! i like having a LIFE outside our apartment! where’d my fun boyfriend go?? now that he “has” me living with him, he’s putting out zero effort into our relationship. annoying! it sucks because we signed a lease and now i’m miserable. i just want to have some fun! i want to still go out, do things, and have a life outside of our netflix nights in bed. (every. damn. night.) if i go out without him, he doesn’t bat an eye. he wants to just sit at home watching tv. but what’s the point of dating someone if i can’t DO things with them outside the apartment?? he won’t even cross the street to sit on the beach with me. wants to sit at home every single night. BORING!!!! i didn’t know as soon as we moved in together he’d turn into an 80 yr old retiree!

  26. As a 1B, I have to add the couples who have a joint email address or worse, a joint Facebook page. Who am I talking to? This makes me barf. And then when they break up, laugh.

    Also I have one couple that conducts their entire relationship on each other’s Facebook walls. They post an article on their own wall and then on their partner’s wall. So it shows up twice in my Facebook feed. It’s exhausting. And he is in the next room. So I don’t understand why they can’t just shout at each other like normal people. I took them both down to Only Important Updates and they are still the only things I see in my news feed. I feel like a house guest who never gets to leave. Maybe for them a joint Facebook page wouldn’t be the worse idea ever.

    • So true. I had that happen today. The guys status was about his day… and then he tagged his boyfriend, as if they are not going to see each other later, and it showed on my news feed twice.

  27. OH YEAH

    This sounds like sour grapes……DEAL WITH IT.

  28. Charles

    Instead of telling you why I hate couples, why don’t I express my hate for single people! Singles are like blonds, they have more fun…. but this subject is totally for another subject or topic or whatever theses hobo bloggers do hehe.

  29. Oh hell. I hate that I can’t ever just go to lunch with my friend without his boyfriend coming along. He’s available ANY DAY but his boyfriend’s schedule is a pain in the ass.

  30. I wanted to see the two guys nose nuzzle too by the way, but alas the guys I date are bigger than me. I don’t get a bigger wardrobe, sucks, but it also means, they don’t look like me!

  31. Nick

    One thing they forgot in this article is that most of them are in open relationships. So they screw all the guys with no strings and then get to go home to their husbands and be all home like. They basically have their cake and eat it too.

  32. I hate when a couple have a giant fight in front of you and proceed to yell at each other like you aren’t even there. Its so awkward – especially when you know one of them is wrong and you want to jump in and defend the other guy. Take it from me- never ever ever do that!

  33. Bryan

    I think we are contributing to the hate.

  34. Ok, I found this article totally hilarious and sometimes soooo true. I’ve been in a relationship with my (now)husband for 15 years. Gosh that sounds REALLY annoying and way too hetero-long. Sometimes we are annoying. But most of the times, we get along, love each other occasionally, do just a few PDA’s, and take care of each other by sharing a mortgage. No, we don’t share our clothes or like V-day either. And we both had the same reaction to “a” day devoted to love. I may sound bitter or corny, but aren’t we supposed to love every day? We do have our fun, now that we’ve made our home into a community house and share not only our bed with others we like, but also our hearts and food. It’s wonderful giving. And if I were going to change this stupid Hallmark-associated holiday with a different name, it would be “Giving Day”. Not Thanksgiving, but a day you give yourself some love, time, and patience. At least “a” day to remember you are an “I”, not a “we”. A day to give back to the world what sometimes comes so easily to you.

    And yes, my name is Pumpkin, not as a cute name that my other half gave me, but as my Radical Faerie name, my spiritual name. To those still searching– I hope you find another to love, besides yourself (which is 1st!), and then when you are feeling like you don’t love him/her anymore, find a third or a fourth or fifth!

  35. Bobby

    I could go on for hours on this one, but one of my pet peeves is that couples ALWAYS have to be sitting next to each other wherever they go. At a restaurant, in a car, on a plane, at any group function whatsoever, and the single people are expected to stand and wait while they decide where they want to sit to make sure you’re not going to sit somewhere that might result in them not sitting next to each other!

  36. s parker

    Whoa, how did this happen? I was at dicionary.com looking up “humblebrag” and it redirected me here??

  37. Had a good laugh becasue I must admit I fall in some of these.
    But me and my partner we’re not big lovers of St Valentine as well.
    Hugs Orlando!

  38. Andrew

    I’m in a relationship but I don’t do any of the things mentioned above.
    For example, I was equally boring when I was single because I don’t even go to parties anyways. My bestie and I would hang out as if we were a couple and watch movies in our PJs.
    I don’t post anything on facebook about our relationship.
    I don’t argue/fight with my boyfriend and if I did I wouldn’t bother other people with my insignificant relationship problems.
    My boyfriend and I don’t look alike at all and we’re nowhere near the same size, except for shoes.
    When my boyfriend invites me (I have fewer friends so I never invite him anywhere) to hang out with his friends (who are mostly single) nobody feels like a third wheel.

    Does this really make us an exception to the rule, or are there a lot more couples out there who aren’t completely annoying like the couples described in this article? I mean, if they aren’t canoodling in public, then we don’t know if they’re actually a couple, right? They could be just hiding it really well.

  39. Thank God you admitted your own fault because I was categorizing you as one of those people who once are in a relationship deserve to be tripped in front of an oncoming bus. I’m so over the gays trying to perpetuate the perfect couple scenario to us singles. I would much rather be single than become some incompetent embarrassment to other gays.

  40. Mark

    Ok, this was hilarious. I’ve been part of a couple for over 18 years now (I’m sure we’re way past the point of doing most of the stuff in the blogg anymore…LOL). It does make one think though, how they may come across to their friends!!

  41. iodine9

    face it, valentine’s day sucks mentally for everyone. if you are single, it underlines the very fact that you are an unloved and unloveable prick who doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship. if you are taken, it underlines the very fact that, whether or not you have the drive or desire to, you must outdo the grand romantic gesture you have made for valentine’s day every year before or you are an unloving and unloveable dick who doesn’t deserve the relationship you currently are in.

  42. Sean

    I also hate when you’re in line at the grocery store and the boyfriend of the person in front of you keeps coming back and putting more stuff in their cart. It seems like cheating somehow.

  43. C OFee

    I couldn’t agree more! Couplehood needs to be managed.

    The last LTR I was in, my ex didn’t believe in Valentines Day cuz he had ‘the worst breakup ever’ on that day prior to me. I was greatly offended, mostly cuz it showed how he was emotionally holding onto the prior relationship! After 9 years together, I tried to surprise him on V Day & he refused to have a good time. See why we broke up??

    Couples should manage their canoodling, fisghting, grocery lists & chores ALL the same as they do sex. Nobody should do it outside of the house! You left the lube in the night-stand, right? Leave the REST of yr relationship in the same spot.

    As far as the SO ‘having’ to come to lunch/dinner/beers with them – BULLSHIT! I always tell my friends – “I invited YOU. When I want to spend time w you both, I will specify that. If you simply CANNOT be without him – call me when you CAN. Thanks.”

  44. Craig Hillman

    This post was way too long. Accurate (for the most part) but way too long. Yawn….

  45. Joe

    There is a chicken-and-egg argument to be made here about why couples are no fun to go out with…..On the few occassions when I may leave the boyfriend at home to catch up with my single friends (who have dragged me out because “I am so lame for not going out” anymore), they inevitably find someone to hook up with and ditch me within 30 minutes of arriving at whatever bar we’ve gone to…..now, I will never begrudge anyone who wants to get laid, and my friends generally are quite good at finding hotties in the bars; however, I’m not sure “I am so lame for not going out” when I decide to pass on 30 mintues with my friends and then just walking home by myself.

  46. Dan

    I hate when my couple friends chastise me for hooking up with someone. When that orgy they had two months ago while single was no big deal, or even the 3-some they had last night, just cemented how much they love each other.

  47. Rory

    I am a graduate student at the University of Toronto. Most winters, Toronto can be counted on to produce a reliably snowy February for Valentine’s Day, and we all know what that means, right? Narrow sidewalks with snowdrifts on either side.

    At the University of Toronto it also means lots of happy, sweet, loving couples, who absolutely MUST show their commitment to each other by holding hands. The same couples, however, also show how deeply chaste and well-behaved they are by walking as far apart as their linked hands will allow them, turning the sidewalk into a massive game of Red Rover, and forcing innocent singletons into the snowdrifts.

  48. Amanda

    When your friend talks constantly about how amazing his or her boyfriend is – “Mike’s really smart, Mike’s so cute, Mike has a MASTER’S DEGREE” – when two weeks ago you were talking so much smack about how idiotic Mike is … and in two more weeks you’ll be saying the same thing again. Also, I don’t think he’s that smart or cute or impressive. Neither does anyone else. We don’t want to hear it anymore. Please shut up.

  49. Morgan

    This makes me want to break up with my boyfriend… as soon as possible.

  50. im_relevant

    Love that you used the pic of Christian and Olli. They’re so cute together. As for all the thing you list about the couples, true they’re annoying, but so sweet.

  51. Tom

    4 Live-in LTR’s were enuf for me, they’re all mixed bags – both the relationship and the social interactivities! Ridiculousness…I don’t hate couples, more power to them…but I don’t care if I’m ever half of a couple again LOL.

  52. Wes M

    Point #6 did it for me. Whatever happened to opposites attract???

  53. Tony

    Me and my bf are fully aware of how annoying our pda can be. So that’s why we smack each other around, pull each others hair and black each others eyes in front of guests every once in awhile. It balances things out. We also drink to the point of blacking out at our dinner parties every once in awhile. Then we pick a fight, bring out the underwear and cut holes in the crotches. It’s okay because we wear the same size in everything! If we have to buy new underwear, we can both wear them. And our junk is the same size. So if we wear the holy underwaer, the holes get bigger at the same rate.
    We’re very proud of our relationship.

  54. Reading this just made me feel like a married straight couple.
    No. 1 – I’ve been referring to myself as we for many more years than we’ve been together. I have multiple personalities and it’s easier than trying to figure out for my friends which I might be experiencing on what day.
    No. 2 – Hello? Threesomes? Actually only one of our friends mentioned feeling like a threesome. So my BF licked her boob. Just sayin.
    No. 3 – I was a hermit when I was single. And all my gay friends were a good 50+ miles away. Yeah… No Bueno.
    No. 4 – Who said anything about not hooking up? I mean now WE just take the guy home. It’s like two for the price of one.
    No. 5 – I throw things. Believe me. Our relationship debacles are way more fun.
    No. 6 – No we don’t. That’s just creepy.
    No. 7 – Luckily Steve is more fun drunk than I am. Though we’ve been blessed with independent lives. Because I told him that was how it was going to be. And then got on a plane bound for somewhere exotic. Yeah… life’s a bitch.
    No. 8 – Ew. I hate puppy love. I mean, if you’re going for the “love me at the dining table” thing…. then a handie under the table works for me.
    No. 9 – Does it count if you’ve been together for 7 years and it still feels like 10?
    No. 10 – Got me there. But then again, I’m a designer. Shoot me.
    No. 11 – Read No. 4.
    No. 12 – Steve is one size larger. The only time I get to wear his clothes is when I purposely shrink them in the dryer and blame it on the drycleaner.
    No. 13 – Here’s the problem with that whole cohabitate/rent thing. See when we moved in together we ended up with a house that was basically the combination of our previous rents. Power bills, water bills, phone bills…. they all go up exponentially and believe me… we don’t have much of a choice because where else are you going to store all that flea market furniture?
    No. 14 – I used date night. Once. In a condescending manner. And then he paid for dinner.
    No. 15 – Glamorous vacations – OK I’ll give you that one. But then again I have a friend that flies to Japan just to get the miles. And he’s single.
    No. 16 – No comment. Then again… I’m never speechless
    No. 17 – I hate other couples. So no we don’t. Single people are more fun to talk about after the night is through.

    Damn Orlando…. how many were there? My fingers hurt at 12.

  55. It is easy to quickly agree with you, laugh at the list of things couples do, and agree that many couples are heinous as described; however, it is nice when couples work out. Except for no. 13, my boyfriend and I defy all these! We look nothing alike; he is a small and I am a medium (I’m a bit taller and have a totally different fashion sense); we don’t even sit next to each other going out to dinner or movies; rarely do we make posts to our facebooks about couple-y adventures; we are usually the ones going off at parties to have the “scandalous hookups together”; we hang out with mostly single people (yes, because they are fun!); and nobody feels obligated to invite both of us over. So, I would say yes, it is possible to have a couple that everyone enjoys being around. Yet that being said and getting back to the issue at hand valentines day still sucks: too much pressure, tacky, and always in the middle of the week- what fun could you possible have?

    Thx- enjoyed your article!

  56. Young couples are super annoying. As someone who has had many serious long term relationships, I can’t help but look at young couples professing their love for each other and think “You co-dependent b*tiches, this won’t last forever.”

  57. Patrick

    I hate when you damn couples tell me that maybe I’m just “meant to be single right now.” Like WTF? I’ve already burned a hole in my copy of Great Mouse Detective… I deserve a boyfriend too. Bitches.

    Great article. I fucking hate you.

  58. ned asta

    well i always tell people val day is just to say you love your daughter your son your granny your friend what evah the fuck ? but then i read on n i do have to agree with some of your statements …recently a friend of mine asked half of a couple to please visit alone next time cause they were so tied at the hip ….gawd so that part i D O umderstand… i did live in a gay commune for 16 yrs in 70′s n 80′s. we were always workin on the relationships ! n had tons of fun.

  59. FVK

    I don’t really hate….it’s more jealousy on my part lol…I’ve been dating for 10 years! where is he!!

    • latino

      We just have to go through the weeding process lol. I’m tired of the liars, users, and the druggies. That’s my reason for being single lol

  60. ChocoPie

    Ugh, Hate when I realize I’ve slept with the uglier of the two

  61. Chuck

    I hate that couples can bring 50% of _____ to a party, because they count as 1. You should have to bring TWO courses the meal, not just a tiny appitizer. Or you should have to bring TWO bottles of wine or vodka to the party, not just one. Being the single tax isn’t just on rent and wardrobe.

  62. Patrick

    My peeve is when bloggers don’t proof their own posts and put up something full of grammatical and spelling errors. It makes reading your stuff a chore. Don’t just dump on the page – take some time to go over it and polish it up.

  63. Mtl

    it sounds like shit that story!

  64. This excludes so many types of person and so many types of relationship that I’m a little worried about the author’s inability to imagine the lives of those outside his immediate social circle. But then I guess writing inclusively about exclusive activities is one extra way to feel attractive?

  65. Pingback: Couples Suck | That Thing You Like Sucks

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  67. This is great! I shared it on my blog, entertaining writing.
    http://literarylydi.wordpress.com

  68. pibb

    I am 1/2 of a couple, and I still hate couples. Sometimes I hate us.

  69. I’ve been married to my husband for three years and none of these are true except I sometimes borrow his coat and I guess rent is marginally less expensive, but without him I’d probably live in f*ckin Queens or something. The moral here is don’t let the fact that you’re not a slutbag anymore make you boring.

  70. Jesse

    I dunno, this article made me start to think a lot. what happens when you do everything opposite of this list??? ( not counting the being a slut one) how miserable of a relationship would you be in? Why would you wanna be a robot? and just be plain? I know i fall under these categories but i still, even if people told me i should change i wouldn’t. If you hate being in that type of relationship then GTFO of it :)

  71. tdub68

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhMYGOSH you are absolutely freaking HILARIOUS!!!! and so very damn spot-on!!!

    i gotta start reading you! i’m subscribed and now following you on twitter (@toddwhitley) …. you are the blogger (er, hobo) i aspire to become…!!!

  72. I died when I read this so true!

  73. tdub68

    Reblogged this on uhm… and commented:
    Love this take on Valentine’s and couples. Of course #6 hasn’t happened to us … yet. ;) hahaha

  74. living

    My boyfriend and I (we) are very conscious about not making our friend feel like a third wheel when we go out. I’ve been a third wheel before, and it’s annoying.

    You just made me realize something about myself. I’ve been using the word “we” for months now without realizing it. Somewhere along the line, I stopped using the word “I” when talking about stuff to get. For example, I just bought a new car, and when I told this to my friends I told them “we” just bought a new car.

  75. Guy

    Having one on one conversations with your boyfriend on Facebook where everyone can see. Especially when you’re in the same fucking room! (we do this and it’s very annoying)

  76. Wtf?
    Why is every man in these photos super hot?
    They’re all freaking gorgeous…
    and they’re all taken…
    And they’re gay…

    This is very frustrating for a single woman like me…
    I want to be a gay guy…
    Shit.

    • Luke

      No, you don’t trust me.

      • Kevin

        Crankyducks: Laura, listen to Luke, NO, you don’t!~ LMAO!~ I LOVE being in a relationship but gay men are way too screwed up and NEVER want to deal with their own b.s!~

        Having said that, I LOVE being in LOVE and in a relationship and sharing myself, my life in many different ways with that one and ONLY special person in my life. I have NEVER been in a relationship where we looked alike, dressed alike, wear the same clothes etc.!~ This was a lot of fun to read but OBVIOUSLY NOT applicable to all couple’s or even MOST couples!~ As for bringing in a third person, NEVER!~ WTF are you in a relationship for?! LOL To each their own but I must say ( from personal experience) if you’re still hot and as long as you know how to bring it to one another and understand that now and then you just change it up between each other, it NEVER gets old and if you REALLY do ” Love” that person, they will always be hot to you!~ If you fall in lust, it will get old in a hot minute, falling in Love is something completely different and VERY difficult to find with gay men, more so the fidelity and loyalty or I should say RESPECT first because if both truly respect one another they will NEVER want another!~

        I have to say two thumbs up for couples and two thumbs up for singles!~ Neither should be bashed, personally ( just in general but also with couples) I LOVE to see other people Happy and in Love! Listen, there will come a day when NO ONE will want a piece of your old wrinkled up **********!~ And you will NOT be the ” it guy” for very long and eventually before you know it, you will find yourself alone, lonely and wishing there was someone special in your life, all the semantics aside!~ To each their own, the bottom line, what happened to being Happy for others when you see they are HAPPY!~ :-)

        Ps. As for V-day, why single out one day? What about gay pride day black history month etc.?! As Morgan Freeman said, ” how dumb is that, I’m not black just for one month, I’m black everyday but I don’t celebrate it”!~ Now before anyone lashes out at me, just think about it for a bit, what if straight people were to start having straight pride month, we would ALL want to jump off a roof top!~ Some of you will get this pretty quickly some of you not at all!~ LOL I speak it in truth but also temper it with laughter. I say just be YOU!~ ALL of YOU! My sexuality does not define ” who and what I am” it’s only a SMALL part of me, there’s way more to me than that and I want others to see all of that, not just Kevin the gay guy, THAT would be a pretty sad world ( for me, anyway) single or in a relationship!~

  77. Reblogged this on singlequeergrrl and commented:
    This made me so dang happy. I couldn’t have said it better myself! Must read! Here’s a quick preview:

    “I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.”

  78. Fabulous! I truly could not have said it better myself. Thanks for the laugh and the pick-me-up!

  79. deaf, dumb, and blamed!

    George & Martha: when one partner is a drunken, whoring letch, and the other partner is an uptight bitch who’s had so much plastic surgery he makes Joan Rivers look normal. so Moan Shivers makes a scene at EVERY party, choosing a new and unsuspecting victim to blame for “trying to pick up his husband” ~ you, know, the drunken barnacle who’s been trying to collect your ear wax all night with his tongue !

  80. i hate it when they ask what to buy the other for like a birthday valentines day or christmas, im like i dont freakin know you love them shouldnt you know? so my response now is always a pad to write what they want down for you

  81. David

    Being forced to listen to them have sex through their paper thin walls while you’re crashing at their place because you had one to many drinks to drive home and you’re sleeping on the couch. Couldn’t it wait till i left? Now i won’t be able to look you in the eye after hearing that weird pet names you give each other….

  82. janice

    Quite frankly, I feel that if you’re with that right person you don’t be missing all that single stuff.

    I find overly affectionate couples in public annoying but I also find single people who keep talking about how much they want to be in a relationship annoying.

  83. Steve

    With my hubby for 37 years now, I was enjoying your observations until I came across the photo of our long departed friend Dru (the slut). Ouch.

  84. When one of the couple thinks everyone envies his relationship, everything is wonderful, their life is a white picket fence, and poor everyone else. All this along with living in total denial that his partner is the towns biggest whore.

  85. OMG! this is GREAT! I am def more fun single!!! But I do make a great half of an annoying couple when I am dating! I totally fit the bill of your blog! But I know being single is way more fun and adventurous! Like you don’t have to worry about what someone else will think of your decisions and PLUS you have no emotional commitment that makes you a basket case crazy person! But I see the pros and cons in both being single and being dreaded taken and it is hard to say which one I enjoy most! …OH WAIT! …SINGLE for the point in my life! Relationships are for your 30′s+ ;)

    ~KoryChristopher

  86. Rob Greene

    If you have no one for Valentine’s Day, then download “Bad Amateur Ebook Writer Romance Story” by Ivana Murleau (get it? I want a Merlot). You’ll be glad you’re single.

  87. Pingback: [ARTICLE] Why Everyone Hates Couples (via @Oar_Lawn_Doe of Hommemaker) | LAVISH / THE MORNING AFTER.

  88. Elisa

    So much of this is true. I’m glad my gf and I have managed to keep some of the annoying things to a bare minimum. Although, I think she gets peeved when I invite people over to “my” house for a dinner that she is cooking in “our” kitchen.

  89. Benji

    Pet Couples peeve: When you are queueing up behind a couple at the grocery store and they realise they’ve forgotten an item. One stays in the queue , and the other runs off and gets it. Single people just have to lose their place in the queue, if they’re not ready for checkout. Why should couples be able to keep you waiting, whilst they wait for their forgotten item???

  90. Ginger

    Even worse than the car is when you’re walking somewhere and the couple is walking ahead of you and they start having a convo without you and you feel like a total fucking creeper having to almost run to keep up with them and god forbid ask them to repeat things, because you misheard because they’re laughing and giggling and talking and you can’t hear it over the traffic.

  91. brec

    Holy fuuuuck you people are jaded and ugly inside. You wonder why you’re single? The author was unhappy single and now he sounds unhappy with someone(shown by his repetition about how fun it was being a single slut). No wonder he’s worried his man will leave him. I fucking would. He sounds like a catty, judgmental drama queen.

    And 80% of the things you hate about couples… they’re only a problem if you hang around people who think and act like they’re 16 year old little girls.

    Conclusion: Get over yourselves. Look in the mirror as to why you’re unhappy. Change it.

  92. geekwithadream

    I pretty much agree with everything you just said.

  93. My sister is visiting me. Well, more like living with me. She doesn’t want me to be alone since my boyfriend left me several years ago. I was going to the store today and she asked if I wouldn’t mind picking up some Valentine’s Day cards for her. I just looked at her and said, ” What? Are you serious? You want me to have to stand in front of the Valentine’s section of the card area of Kroger? At the first sign of a red heart-shaped anything, this time of the year, I want to throw up my lunch and breakfast, too.” Yeah, I’m bitter. I hate Valentine’s Day. I did when I had a boyfriend. I hated it for all those lonely, single guys that wanted a partner and didn’t have one and for all those guys that got dumped by someone that at one time promised to love them. The only thing Valentine’s Day does is make the single people feel more single. At least those that want to be in a relationship. When I had a boyfriend, I told him every day that I loved him and I showed that love to him. I didn’t need a “card and candy” holiday to express how deep that love was. Unfortunately, I guess his love wasn’t as deep. But I got her the cards anyway.

  94. Yaletownman

    I’ve been part of a couple for 14 years now. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Ironically, we seldom ever hang out with other couples. Most of our friends are single. I think the reason for that is that they pull us out into things that are just more fun; parties, clubs, etc. (yes, a little etc. too now and then!) the reason I think single people are attracted to us is because we offer a nice, laid back life that they can drop in and partake of whenever they feel like it and then go back to their fun filled single life.

  95. Jaden

    Actually the most annoying of all – bloggers who make lists. That kinda went out of fashion along with corduroy and I dunno, David Letterman.

  96. Matty Z

    Couples are fine I guess. I just can’t stand when they go grocery shopping together. And every purchase becomes a bonding moment. There they are, pondering cereal, or wine, or jam, or coffee filters – taking up the whole damn aisle. Step aside already! I gotta get at those triscuits so I can go home and sit on my couch with my dog.

  97. Martin

    Orlando, please stop writing. Your painful attempts to mask your all-consuming narcissism by being self-deprecating make me puke.

  98. HA I’ve been asked by someone if my boyfriend and I were related, and we looking NOTHING ALIKE. I agree with most of this list, but sometimes couples can be normal too.

  99. I hate that most of the couples flack I get are from the single. They need to stop being so obsessed with finding ‘him’ relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Being single is amazing, PS the only people that really really really care about V Day are the newly dating and the single-REALLY

  100. I hate guys like the one who write this blog, and pretends to be ugly and interesting. the fake factor is so glaring in his “blogging”, it’s blinding

  101. Andrew

    When they always have to sit next to each other in restaurants. Really? Are you conjoined twins? Or just worried your other half might be getting a handy under the table from one of your friends without you knowing it?

  102. Anthony

    My boyfriend and I act like we don’t even know each other when we go out. We went to dinner last night and I asked our server who the man was sitting at my table with me. My boyfriend didn’t think it was funny but I couldn’t stop laughing at myself. As for car rides, I have both hands on my iPhone, ignoring the pointless crap he talks about while secretly beating his high score in Temple Run 2 and not telling him I beat him (I’m just keeping that information secret until we get into a huge fight and I can also throw that in his face). Being a server, I see practically nothing but couples and I’ve grown to hate them myself. I wish I could add to this blog about the annoying little $#|+$ who sit on the same side of the booth touching each other while they’re at dinner. I don’t know about you guys, but I just want to be able to eat my filet without being entered at the dinner table. That’s all.

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  104. Yes, couples are the worrrssst. I hate them. And yes, I’m one of them now. And I hate myself. (But not as much as I hate my future self, when I get even more lame.)

  105. josh

    sea cucumber? really?! look at your obnoxiously perfect profile photo. you think you are doing us a favor by writing this? http://inthestateofdreaming.tumblr.com/post/42432334007

  106. Well single people you need to find something to do this Valentines day because it is a day of love!!!

    • deaf, dumb, and blamed!

      oh pahleeeeze!
      Love means never having to demand flowers, chocolate, or reservations for two! It’s a day of ludicrously childish expectations, disappointment, self recrimination, and regret.

  107. Kevin

    Orlando: Why did you change the “Sluts Are More Fun” Photo? The other guy was way hotter and more fun, even if he was wearing clothes!

  108. Even when i was a part of a couple, I did none of ‘those’ couple things, so obviously I was with either the wrong guys or I was part of a cool couple – but considering I am now no longer a part of a couple, I guess I am, one of those single people who will be watching cheesy romance films and drowning my sorrows in diet dr. pepper. humph, i will have my faithful pooch with me, so, now i am thinking i am part of a couple, which is better than those other guys because she cuddles, gives me unlimited amount of affection & she is …….drumroll………. faithful!

  109. I hate when a couple gets engaged and is updating me (and the rest of the world) daily for a year and a half on their wedding plans. I don’t need to know the details of your homemade dress; it turned out ugly anyways!

  110. Honest to God, that bloody Mouse Detective movie scared the crap out of me as a kid, yet I watched it again and again and again. The bit when the scary ass bat hides in the kid’s pram … terrifying. Not as terrifying as some of the reasons to hate Valentine’s Day of course – well put. I must admit, my boyfriend and I are going to pop a bottle of champs on our roof come V Day, but that’s about it. Any excuse to drink Champagne is a good thing in our household and we promise not to Instagram it even once!

  111. ThisThingExists

    Three things I learned today:

    1. There’s a publication for gay men called Hommemaker? Barf.
    2. People writing for said publication have the cheek to write about how couples are annoying? Are you bragging or are you bitter? Either way, indubitably worthy subject, totally speaks to my gay self.
    3. People who I thought of sound judgement prior to this are linking this kind of…thing…on face book. I must now re-examine my opinion of them. Unless they’re being ironic, which would probably be even worse.

    Ignorance is bliss.

  112. Robot

    You are a sad person. Most of your complaints seem like you’re jealous of all the things they have and can do and it isn’t fair to single people. I love my bf and we have a lot of the same friends but we hardly do everything together. I was single for the 1st 18 years of my life yet somehow never turned into the bitter lonely shell of a person you seem to be on this day. Me and my friends had a blast taking advantage of the deals and turned practically turned into lesbians. When I finally did get a bf he said he didn’t care for Valentines day but I had always wanted to do something special with a bf. So I told him he was off the hook but I was planning something for him. I told him I want to do at least a little something each year and we do, but we have never done about 90% of the “annoying” things on your list. However I really don’t care when my friends do act like that because that is their personality and I’m just glad they are happy. I can’t see anyone besides someone really sad in their life saying they hate a love based holiday, couples, themselves, their friends being in a relationship.

  113. Bravo. Obsessed with your blog now. “Japan is better….” Hilarious and spot on! hahahahahah

  114. Guilty of #10 and the picture for #2 is priceless.

  115. Asher

    I hate when you have a friend who has completely disappeared into his or her relationship and then, suddenly, the moment it’s over, you’re supposed to be his or her best friend again!

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  119. lolo dode

    Hi …I want a handsome young man like him and spend with him the rest of my life Please reply quickly …..Thanks

  120. Congrats on your article… Your generosity with us, the singles from the lame planet is overwhelming, but I don’t believe you Orlando, you are celebrating V-day… Don’t you?

  121. Pingback: 15 Vintage Gay Couples You Need to See | Hommemaker

  122. Pingback: Watch Die Hard for Valentines « My Attempts at Cleverness

  123. Pingback: Why Everyone Hates Couples | LOVE [my] HANDLES

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  126. Oh My God. We were separated at birth–who knew my other half was a gay male sarcastic, cynical and funny writer.
    No I guess it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch. I don’t have a “y” chromosome. And am the kind of hobo with a computer that is too disorganized to actually produce a blog. Other than that, we are the same person.

    Single people love me at Valentine’s Day. I may be married so long that Wilma Flintstone was my flower girl, but I can say with complete honesty that the first Valentine’s Day gift I got from a man was 35 years ago on this very day. And it was from my husband, to whom I’d been married four months, after dating for four years. And he gave me a convenience pack of tokens for the NYC subway system.

    How could anyone be jealous of part of a couple like me? Last year he celebrated by eating a cupcake I’d bought for myself, leaving me the one I’d bought for him and didn’t like, and bringing home from work, in an enticing shopping bag, a jacket he’d purchased for me four years earlier which I’d told him to return to the store, because it didn’t fit me.

    It was three sizes further away from fitting by then.. And it was wrinkled, and it was too late to even get the money back. Fa, la, la. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. It I had a party for singles on February 14th, no one would leave feeling depressed.

    I do believe your are my new literary muse. Hope you and your boyfriend have a delightfully obnoxious celebration.

  127. My wife and I legit. do about half of these pretty frequently. If it makes people hate us, I guess we’ll deal; I suspect Mr. Soria feels similarly under all the self-deprecation. Back to sharing shoes!

  128. I prefer gay couples to straight couples because straight couples are more (but not exclusively) likely to have the worst part of coupling- BABIES! GROSS!

  129. alover

    I am annoyed by people who hate Valentine’s Day. I mean, I get why, but it’s such a narrow and often self-pitying perspective. It’s a day to celebrate love! Love is great! In all its forms. (Well, except maybe unhealthily co-dependent forms) Kudos to you for celebrating it with family and friends! In Mexico, it is apparently “el dia de amor y amistad” — the day of love and friendship. Widen your world view and appreciate ALL the love you have!

    • I don’t think the problem is people celebrating Valentine’s Day, so much as people celebrating Valentine’s Day in a way that seems more like kids in a sandbox saying, “Nah, nah, I have a Valentine’s date and you don’t.” Although most people are fairly sensitive to not shoving their material goods into the faces of their “have not” friends, the same sensitivity isn’t always shown when it comes to showcasing your own relationship in the face of their lack of one. It kind of boils down to a case of manners and not making people feel uncomfortable to be in your presence..

      As a rule of thumb, if I feel the need to warn a couple that I’m planning to hose them down, then they are probably flaunting the “we” status a little too much..

  130. The Dating Circus

    Hahahaha I think I am now obsessed with your blog too. Sharing this! Great writing, awesome wit and humor.

    Now you need to follow up with a blog on when couple’s have their first child….

    • Oh, when couples have their first child, you need to leave the country, or at the very least, make new friends.

      I don’t think I made people envious or disgusted with my being a parent either. I started off by pointing out the wrong baby in the hospital as belonging to me, and frankly I didn’t get much better through the years.

      But look at it this way, without straight couples having yucky babies–and it is a sad fact of life that even the nicest people tend to start out as yucky babies–then how would the world ever get fabulous gay men like my son (he says he’s fabulous, at any rate).

  131. Thank you for that. I feel much more grounded. I am a mum (a divorced widow ?) and seriously, when you have a kid and no ex to share the care of them from time to time, you get fully NO action EVER. The only good thing about v-day is that I lost my virginity on that day a billion years ago.
    As for babies, of the gay people I know with them, they are equally yucky as the babies of straight couples, and the parents are all insane.

    All babies are sneaky jerks who hog everything. And their parents are abhorrent, I was so embarrassed when I had a baby (though I adore her with every fibre of my being and will protect her like a lioness on ppc). Similar to your story of being in a relationship. The thing I despise about parents is they suddenly stop being any fun at all, they stop swearing, stop going to parties, stop going to anything except horrible play centres filled with other boring adults and their stinky kids. They eat revolting boring food and talk about the most boring crap ever, mainly their greedy naughty horrid kids. Blurgh.

    I am very lucky to know a lot of seriously awesome couples, straight, gay and parental, who don’t pull any of this crap. PHEW!

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  133. I know a couple who argue about chores and it annoys me to no end. Not because niether of them want to do the chores, rather they argue about each one wanting to do it, and the other saying no I’ll get! Seriously?!! “I’ll mop the floor”, “no I’ll mop the floor”, “I’ll take out the trash, No I’ll do it, you just relax”. What kinda Alice in wonderland foolishness is that?!!

    After I mentally pull the screwdriver out of my own eye, I’m thinking “Why don’t you two just go for it, and whoever gets there first gets it, and thereby put an end to to this infernal biplay?” Better yet, “I’ll mop up the floor and take out the trash if it will shut you two up! Oih Vai!”

    But instead I’m expected to say Awww, it’s so cute that you all look out for one another and try to always help each other out…

    Well you know what, the next time I visit and have to sit through one of those innane arguements, I think i will just Exclaim “Oh for the Love of God!”, get up and take the trash out myself, and then just give them both a whithering look!

    ~ Xu

  134. Pingback: Why everyone hates couples and the Internet Shopping checklist | Les Link

  135. OMG!!
    Okay this situation happened to me about 2-5 times!! and it annoyed me so much that i was going to EXPLODE with rage!
    Okay when ever my friends had asked me for a group sleep over I was all excited and happy because we were all going to be all crazy and create good memories together! but NOPE…none of that happened because you see there was 3-4 couples there…and im single…and the whole time i was over there…ALL OF THEM were just facing their partners talking and making out the whole time, THE WHOLE TIME never once talking to me or anything one else! and They invited me??? WHY?? if they were going to suck face the whole time then why bother inviting me??
    and i tried lots of times to get there attention and talk to them trying to convince them that there are other people in the room and they completely ignored me the whole time! and eventually they would look at me and get angry at me for no reason D:
    but wait..it gets better…when we were all laying out the mattresses getting ready to sleep. i quickly jumped on one and was like I DECLARE THIS SPOT MINE >:D
    and they seemed cool with it….until about 2 hours later!!
    hey Ash can you sleep on the couch so i can sleep next to my BF?
    me: no..sorry because i got here first and declared it loud and clear and everyone was cool with it…and then she flipped out and all the other couples did to and started yelling at me about how selfish and rude i was…WHAT SERIOUSLY?? its just a place to sleep? are you going to explode or die if your not next to them for a couple of minutes??
    I swear..their the ones who are extremely rude! Anti-social, selfish and rude…i swear i was so close to WALKING HOME

  136. The other thing i hate about couples is that you cannot trust them with secrets…my best friend found this out the hard way…
    They tell each other!!! when you specifically say DONT TELL ANYONE ELSE???
    dude seriously…you just broke the 1 rule of friendship….Thank you very much!! now if you’ll excuse me…im going to hang out with my SINGLE PRINGLE buddies…because they can keep a secret

  137. HA HA HA oh, this made me laugh. Thank you for the writing. :D

  138. So… this a review from a single girl hating on gay couples? The same can be said for straight couples thank you very much. If you don’t like it then talk to me. I’m a very standard male who’s been single his entire life. Age 23 and I hope every girl that turns me down has roast beef vagina by 30. When your standards are low enough to ask me, I’ll take my glass and break it on your face. Cunts.

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