What Are You Doing In The Bathroom!?!

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Dear People Who Saw Me On That HGTV Show,

You know, one of my favorite things about having been on a television series is that I no longer have to go to the bathroom. The truth about the people you see on the TV is that none of them go to the bathroom anymore. It’s just a fact of life for people who work in entertainment. I mean, honestly, can you imagine that Clair Danes ever has to use the restroom? No, she doesn’t. Because she’s famous.

That being said, I find it kind of fun and frivolous to have a bathroom, so when I moved into my apartment I allowed it to stay.

Here, for little to no reason, is a picture of the hallway that leads to the bathroom. The living room color is Half Moon Crest from Benjamin Moore and the hallway color is Lost Atlantis from Valspar. It’s kind of fun to look from the living room and see that fun pop in the hallway. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah bathrooms. That hallway leads to the bathroom. See how my brain works? Oh look a bird!

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My goal is to make my apartment look like the home of a crazy gay intellectual New Yorker from 1983 who lived in Chelsea when it was gross. Thus, I decided to do a crazy cat lady gallery wall in there with all the art that I don’t have space for elsewhere. That way, when I’m in there (not going to the bathroom, ever) I have something to look at.

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This is one of my favorite pieces from the gallery wall. Sometimes the smallest pieces are the best. And they make great filler for between the big ones.

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I’m kind of obsessed with putting things on trays. Like cologne. A word to the wise: pick a scent and stick to it. I chose Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme at age 16 and have been wearing it ever since. Now when anyone smells it they think of me. And if no one is thinking about me do I really exist? Do you really exist? Wait who is this? Where did you get this number? HELLO?

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Because most of the closets in my apartment are filled to the point of explosion with all the nicknacks my boyfriend and I have collected over the years, there is no space for towels anywhere so I installed a shelf for them and other bathroom necessities. It’s from Pottery Barn but they don’t make it anymore. I don’t know why it’s kind of great. Just like you.

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One very important thing many people overlook while designing their bathrooms is finding beautiful art to hang over the “toilet.” In case you don’t know what a “toilet” is it’s something that regular people use. I don’t know what its function is but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with not being famous. Anyway, I bought this beautiful Japanese painting to hang over my “toilet.” Aside from the ridiculous Japanese screen over my bed, it’s my favorite thing in the apartment.

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The shower curtain in my bathroom right now is this one from Pottery Barn:

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They actually don’t make it anymore. Why? Why Pottery Barn must you give us such great classic staples then steal the from our trembling, desperate fingers? I loved my shower curtain until I saw this one:

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And now I want a palm frond one. But then look at this one:

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But guess what? Pottery Barn doesn’t make it anymore. What is going on here? Is this some sort of conspiracy to get me to never have the shower curtain I want ever? Whatever, I guess I’ll have to settle for staring at the cat lady gallery wall and my towel shelf. These are the things that make life worth living.

Love,
Orlando

Editors Note: This post, strangely, was not endorsed or sponsored by Pottery Barn even though it seems like it totally was. 

9 Comments

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9 Responses to What Are You Doing In The Bathroom!?!

  1. karen

    crazy jealous of your home as always. mind sharing the source of the cat print with a fellow crazy cat lady?

  2. Real ladies don’t speak of WC’s. But I love this whole thing. And Pottery Barn is forever discontinuing the shower curtain I need… or never have two… and you need two so that it’s all deliciously private in there.

    I recently put this (http://www.samuelowengallery.com/product.php?productid=99881&cat=0&page=2) in the powder room that everyone visits. It makes me happy. Go ahead. Swoon.

  3. Love that deep aqua color on the hallway wall! Looks really fab against the grey of the living room!

  4. elizabeth

    I never ever ever comment on blogs unless there is a prize involved, but then I read this sentence – “My goal is to make my apartment look like the home of a crazy gay intellectual New Yorker from 1983 who lived in Chelsea when it was gross.” – and felt compelled to tell you that I can’t wait to read the book you write someday. I’m a designer myself and love to see all the fantastic work that you do, but your writing is so superb and lolz funny that I hope very soon someone pays you a lot of money to do that as well.

  5. Enrique herrera

    Omg i love u

  6. ame

    EVERYBODY POOPS! Even celebrities. Why else would ex-lax exist?!

    As always, hilarious. And yes, I give Pottery Barn the finger pretty regularly for their continuous discontinuation of awesome stuff.

  7. Emily Jane

    Me too Orlando -I love you too!!! It doesn’t happen all that often that I read something that sounds so similar to what goes on in my head -all tangential & circular with the rare linear thought swirling together fast enough to induce vertigo- except you are so gosh darn funny (which I am not -unless you think accidental puns are funny..?)! Thank you SO much for sharing your beaUtiful home -now I must go paint a wall & hang some artwork..!
    Sincerely, emily jane (transplant from MrsHenderson-ville…)
    PS. I hope you go back and read new comments on older posts..?

  8. Anna

    Your brain is like my brain and you make me cackle at my desk at work and then I spend an hour looking at shower curtains and hope no one noticed.

    Even though I really could be looking at shower curtains maybe FOR work. So I hope they did notice and thought I was being productive.

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