How Marriage Equality Ruined My Life

Dear The Person Doing Me The Favor of Reading This Blog,

Perhaps you have noticed I have been gone. Where have I been, you ask?

Here’s a hint (in the form of a card I received in the mail from The Blake Wright):

card

Yes, my relationship is over. The relationship I waited my whole life for, since I came out at age 15 is through. And I’m like totally a disgusting mess.

I don’t really know why I am telling you this, except for that I feel this need to explain myself. Like why I’m acting like such a weirdo all the time. Why I haven’t had it in me to write for a month. The strange part about breaking up with someone is how big a deal it is, even though it seems like something only dumb teenagers talk about at the mall. Hearing other people talk about their ending relationships often seems stupid and trivial and superficial and overly dramatic.  When you experience it yourself, it feels like somebody very important to you has died. This break up has been particularly disorienting for me. I lived with my boyfriend for 1.37 years and he was my life. Hommemaker isn’t just a name, it’s kind of the way I am. I live to clean up after people and do their laundry and be domestic. I live for time at home and spending that time with someone you love makes it all the more meaningful. For some reason my spirit animal is an oppressed 1950s housewife.

When you lose someone you love, the person you love the most in the world and spend all your time with, it feels like you’re losing a part of your body. Like a huge chunk of you is missing. Thus, when I go out in public I expect people to notice that something is disastrously wrong with me. Like I expect the cashier at Trader Joe’s to look at me and say “Wow. That must have hurt. Your entire arm is missing!” But instead they just look at me like I’m on drugs, look at what I’m buying, then inform me that Think Thin bars are for women.

I’ve had about a month now to get used to my new life as a single person. And by “adjust” I mean I’ve been doing this non-stop for a month:

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This break-up has been a first for me. Not my first break-up ever, but my first time living with a boyfriend. The first time being with someone who became my family, my way of understanding the world and my daily life. Because I’m not the most experienced in the world of love, I’ve based most of my understanding of break-ups on movies from the 90s. Mostly, Death Becomes Her, in which two women get dumped and then go totally crazy and turn into zombies. Which is pretty much what I’ve done. The two women look like this:

Exhibit A (Who bears a striking resemblance to me as a teenager):

goldie-hawn

Exhibit B (What I look like now):

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Since my parents are still married, I have no role models for how to act in a break-up. Thus, I have looked to these ladies from 90s movies who go berzerk, eat too much, then go on awesome diets and get hot bodies. This has been both positive and negative. It’s probably not a great idea to base my actions on fictitious characters, but it’s better than what I did at first, which was to drive around Los Angeles listening to this song whilst uglycrying:

This became my break-up anthem. There is nothing in the world like lovesick lesbian twins to help you wallow.

Trying to be proactive when you have a broken heart is a difficult endeavor, but one worth striving for. It’s hard to know what to do with the sadness that accompanies a break-up. So far, I’ve used it mostly to lament to my family and friends about how I am going to die alone in a studio apartment in Barstow. And about how my cats will eat the face off my dead corpse after they run out of cat food.

And then something, like, totally funny happened, like, minutes after my relationship ended.

Marriage. Equality.

Yay, right? Gross.

As excited as I was about gays getting married (I have a lesbian sister getting married in September), I also thought the timing was sort of hilarious. Couldn’t marriage equality have happened when I wasn’t, like, totally dying of mind-numbing heartache? With this in mind,  I penned a diary entry that went as follows:

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I decided I was going to ask my boyfriend to marry me, despite the fact that Gay Marriage wasn’t legal. Then he dumped me. Gay marriage became legal the next day. 

Love,
Self

Okay. I didn’t really write that (nor did I actually plan on proposing). I don’t even have a diary. This is kind of my diary. I literally don’t posses the ability to keep anything to myself. Ever. (Which is maybe why I got dumped? Oh god).

I was super stoked for the arrival of marriage equality after years of protesting and gabbing about it, but as my heart imploded, the entirety of my Facebook feed was filled with happy gay couples canoodling and saying (with their eyes) “Yay! We’re happy because we’re not ALONE (like you)!” Said couples looked like this:

gay-wedding-2

gay-wedding

gay-wedding-5

gay-wedding-6

gay-wedding-4

I kind of want to put all of these couples in a heavy steel cage and throw them into the ocean. I don’t know if it was the exhilaration of Marriage Equality or what, but it seemed like every gay person I’ve ever met got engaged in the past few weeks. Also, like every guy I’ve ever been on a date with (all 4 of them!).

Here is a picture of me checking my Facebook feed for the last few weeks:

clockwork-orange

It should come as no surprise to anyone who has met me ever that I am the most sensitive person in the universe and thus am totally overreacting to the loss of this relationship. Everyone says time is what really heals break up wounds, but I’m wondering how much time they’re talking about. I mean, am I going to look like this by the time my heart heals?

clint-eastwood

Probably. In the meantime I’ve taken up a crazy workout routine and dedicated all of my free time to LOLing with my friends and having long drawn out conversations about the meaning of life. And then crying and drinking and then not drinking and staring in the mirror wondering who I am and being like “Are you there God, It’s me, Orblogdo.”

My boyfriend, er, ex-boyfriend (I can’t get used to saying that), moved his stuff out over the weekend. It was something that we both knew needed to happen so we could move on, but that we were still sad about. Each thing he removed, each piece of clothing or flea market treasure we found together, felt like the removal of him from my life. The removal of his clothing left me with tons of storage space in my closets, and I cursed my apartment for having such a wealth of built-in storage to be left empty. The empty spaces left in the closets mirrored the empty spaces left inside me. The trick is to fill those empty voids with wisdom and not with bitterness. I’ll be glad if I can figure out how to do that, how to avoid becoming jaded like so many of the older gay men I know, their skins thick, hearts hardened, from years of heartbreak.

One thing I see in the near future is a lot of reorganizing, redecorating, and reimagining the space I shared with my ex. I work with people all the time who hire me to redesign their spaces after a break-up. And now I kind of get it. At times like this design serves a therapeutic function, to show us how to continue living a space that has so many memories. To figure out how we will create new memories and new experiences. Emily did a great story on ideas for post-break-up decorating on her blog today, which I highly recommend for anyone who is recently single. My apartment is going to get a mega makeover. And I’m hoping this makeover will help me move on.

In conclusion, I have no conclusion. I wish I did. I still don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I’m writing it so that anyone else who has ever been dumped or gone through a rough break-up will know that they are not alone. Our ability to care about each other is one of our greatest gifts and one of our greatest burdens. During this time, I’ve wished I were less sensitive, less sad about losing love. I feel a little lost, like I’m looking around expecting to find my heart somewhere but it’s nowhere to be found. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. But I’m glad I experienced love for the last year and a half. Yes, it’s sad to lose someone who helped you through each day, who supported and inspired you, who comforted you and helped you see the world in new ways. It sucks to lose somebody who became your family. But I wouldn’t give any of it back for anything. I love what I learned from my relationship and I love the experiences I shared with my incredible boyfriend.

Now it’s onward and upward. Until that day in 20 years when my cats eat the face off of my dead corpse after I choke on a chicken bone. Alone. By myself.

Love,
Orlando

121 Comments

Filed under Life

121 Responses to How Marriage Equality Ruined My Life

  1. Jessica

    You are such a tender heart. And that is why people love you. Just console yourself that your capacity to love, and feel joy, and happiness, is tied to feeling grief and sadness as well. Who wants to be an unfeeling lump? Not you! So allow yourself to feel sad, knowing that it is part of what makes you a super fun and happy person. Then forget all that, drink a lot with friends who make you laugh, and start on about 500 projects, self-improvement and redecorating. You’ll look up and realize a whole day has gone by without feeling sad. Then a Week. then you will start thinking about dating again. LOVE, Jess

  2. Aaron B.

    Sorry to hear, Orlando. This mirrors my last few weeks. There are better guys out there for us… good luck on the hunt!

  3. Peter Riherd

    hi

    this is Pete — I’m the guy who chats you up at EQ and tells you how much I like this blog.

    i’m so sorry to hear about your break up. And, I completely get what you’re saying here. I do. The missing arm part especially

  4. Thank you for sharing with those of us here in blog-land. It must have been hard to do. The good news is, you’re crazy good-looking, hilarious AND insanely talented and I have a feeling you won’t stay single long. It’s ok to grieve over the loss of a relationship, and you’ll be much healthier in the long run by dealing with that pain now and not burying it. I’m sending you lots of love from my family. And thank you for the happiness and beauty you bring into my life with your blog!

    • I feel exactly this – you are crazy good-looking, hilarious AND insanely talented. I’m so sorry for your loss, I’ve been there (lost everything and the dog – I cried every day for a month and I didn’t think I’d ever feel warmth and love again.) But I did, and you will too. Promise. I’m very grateful for the style, wit, and fun you bring to my life through your posts. Welcome back. <3

  5. Anne

    Wow…I wish I would have read this post a year ago soon after my husband of 14 years suddenly dumped me. Thanks for the honesty and humor. Loved it. Yeah it was so hard for me because family just doesn’t up and leave. That’s not what family is. And it’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I have found myself a new man who is better in practically every way (except he is not the father of my children.) So life is good. And thanks again for sharing.

    • Anne

      And one more thought. When my husband dumped me a year ago I went through much of the same stages of grief as when my sister died 2 years ago. You are losing a family member. It sucks. It’s okay for it to suck.

  6. you’re obviously a great writer, awesome designer, and a stand-up human being. i wish you the best in getting super strong (emotionally, and psychically with that new workout routine) and look forward to reading your next post!
    best!

  7. I’m sorry to read that you are hurting. Breakups are never easy xoxo

  8. I’m so sorry to read that this happened to you. But it’s a really good sign that you’re writing about it.

    You are such a cutie, so I sincerely doubt that you’ll get to the cats-eating-face phase. Take this opportunity to redecorate, like you said — can’t wait to see what you come up with! — and making new memories. Visit new places in Los Angeles, find new favorite stores and restaurants. Take a trip. Before you know it, you’ll be back to having fun and smiling.

  9. Heather

    Hugs all the way from Iowa… Keep moving forward…

  10. Viveka

    I´m sorry to hear that… my son and his boyfriend are breaking up and they have been together for four years. I love them both and it´s very hard. They are also living together.
    Cry as much as you want or need to ! Slowly you will mend. Not totally but you will mend. Hope you understand my English, I live in Sweden.
    Lots of love to you and for you, now and in the future. Viveka

  11. kalen m

    If you’re even in Vancouver, you have a boyfriend here

  12. sibee

    Ugh, breakups are The Worst. And not the kind of “The Worst” like when you order a latte with skim and you get one that is full-fat and sort of cold and you complain to your friend, and she’s all, “Ugh, that is The Worst!”. Breakups are truly and literally The Worst. And I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.
    I had something similar happen to me during my last breakup. Three weeks after my boyfriend dumped me (the day after my 30th birthday, no less), four of my high school friends either got engaged, married, or pregnant, and were posting about it all over the Facebooks. Good times. Now, my fellow single-lady friends and I have agreed that if we are still single by the time menopause kicks in, we’re buying a house together and living out our days Golden Girls-style. We’re calling it “The Lanai Pact”.

  13. EQi

    Oh crap, I’m that older guy (now in my early 40s) who’s jaded and has 3 cats already! I’m gonna die alone w/ those meowtches eating off my face!!!…

  14. Alyssa

    Dear Orlando,

    You don’t need a million comments telling you how fabulous you are because it is already a known fact. Emotions are like lizard tails (just go with me on this). They get caught up or torn to bits but eventually they grow back. I’m not saying you’re a lizard by any means, but I am saying that the bigger part of you is still here, still queer, and still SO VERY IMPORTANT (get used to it).

    Emily’s post is on point and I cannot WAIT to see what you can come up with.

  15. Karen

    Wow! sarcasm is your strong point! However If I were a gorgeous young gay man I’d be a fool to not be totally in love with you!
    Hang in there.
    XXOO

  16. So sorry hear about the split. Breakups are tough, but you still have your great sense of humor. Time does heal the wounds. Just surround yourself with lots of friends; that always helps.

  17. Murray Arthur

    just read this through – it’s the most dreadful thing to happen…

    best wishes!

    Murray Arthur Unit 30 Padangle House 270-276 Kingsland Road London, E8 4DG

    07941 331 206 murrayarthur@me.com http://www.murrayarthur.com

  18. It breaks my heart to see how sad you are. The thing is, your probably the perfect guy, your funny, your beautiful, you have a lot of talent, and he has to be to damn stupid to loose all that. While others like me go through life searching for a guy just like you, theres someone like your ex wasting your time. I mean, if someone like you gets dumped, what its left for the rest of us? I totally agree with Emily, your ex made a HUGE mistake and since you are too perfect to stay single, he’s gonna realise it next month, but by then you’re gonna have a husband, 2 kids, a dog (no cats just in case) and the most perfect house ever, cuz its ment to be. Cheer up, you’re too attractive to be sad!

    Martin.

  19. Kyle

    Dear Orlando,

    Hugs! I would totally lend you my shoulders if you need one to cry on. 🙂 You are kind, fabulous and talented. Sooner or later someone will come around and sweep you off your feet again.

    Much Love,
    K

  20. I’m just a nobody / longtime follower from the rural world, Orlando.. But here in my little busy, secluded life, I’ve wondered how you are with your absence of posts lately. (I love them.)
    This is crummy. My heart genuinely feels melancholy for you. You bring to light the universal feeling that is love, and the universal hurt of loss.
    It’s kind of weird.. yesterday in my blog feed, I came upon this post, which made me feel sad: http://www.theartofdoingstuff.com/no-posts-for-a-while/ Now today, yours. Makes me feel like I better tell my husband I’m sorry for being difficult & I love the heck out of him.
    I’m also reminded of this quote I have hidden in my “likes” on Pinterest :
    Pain & Suffering are Always Inevitable for a Large Intelligence and a Deep Heart.
    Does it have to be so? I suppose I would rather feel deeply than to not feel at all.
    Hugs!

    • PS: This sounded depressing. The reason I have that quote hidden in my “likes” is because I like it and relate to it.. but if I pin it, my sister will think I have depression & be all on my case, because she tends to feel things in a more shallow fashion and doesn’t understand that feeling things deeply does not always mean clinical depression. It means we have a soul.
      The underside of joy is a lousy place to be, but I have no doubt that you will again reach levels of happiness & bliss. Hugs!

  21. Lori

    I’m so sorry. Break-ups suck hard. This could just be my ginormous girl-on-gay crush talking, but I don’t think you’ll be single long. Until then, when you feel like you can’t breathe (or is that just me?), remember that eventually, it will get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  22. My sister JUST texted me about your breakup so I hurried over to your blog so I could hurt and cry with you- and I am now. I’m so thankful for the friends and support system you have around you. But (and I’m sure you can relate to this) I would feel a lot better if I could bake you something and share it and a bottle of wine with you. I love your tender heart and I’m glad you shared this even though it feels random. I’m praying now I can share some of your burden of hurt- so you don’t have to carry it all on your own-because that shit is heavy. Sending you love, love, love and praying for comfort for your beautiful heart!

  23. Person

    First I must say that I do not comment on blogs. EVER. But I have recently discovered you and Emily and after bingeing on your blogs and youtubes, I now know that I love you and wanted to say I’m sorry you’re sad and I want to take you to the mall and buy you an Auntie Anne’s and let you pick the dips.

  24. As someone who also broke up with their first live-in boyfriend of two years just a couple months ago, I found this post EXTREMELY relatable. Relatable and comforting. It’s kind of crazy how much it helps knowing I’m not the only one struggling with a serious break-up. So thanks for the incredibly open and honest post. It couldn’t have come at a better time.

    Also, I hate marriage equality (get back to me in a year for a revised opinion).

  25. Hi, Orlando, That song you put in your blog made me burst into tears, and I do know what they mean when they said you’re a fool for love. However, that is okay, cuz love is worth it. Obviously you gave your heart and soul to that relationship and that shows a real strength of character and also says what a great and committed person you are. (And oh how I can relate about being the 1950’s housewife, only I’m on the other side of the fence). One thing I learned after my divorce is that it’s okay to grieve, in fact, necessary, so do whatever it takes to get you from one day to the next and then one day, when you least expect it and are busy with other things, poof! like magic, you’ll feel magnificent and fresh and new and you’ll have to turn off your phone because it will be ringing nonstop and everybody will want to be with you since you’re so cool. I like Emily’s ideas about re-decorating; why not start with that gallery over the couch? Get some crazy colors in there that will bring you joy every time you look at that space. I really believe that timing is everything, so just think, now that it’s legal, you’re probably gonna run into Mr. Right when you least expect it and if you want to, you have the option to tie the knot! I wish you lots of love and laughter and here’s to new beginnings! Didi

  26. Honestly, give yourself a full year to recover. You’ll realize that all of the cliches are true – “this too shall pass,” “what doesn’t break us makes us stronger,” “time heals all wounds.” I have no doubt that you’ll gain incredible perspective over the next few months and have a new found level of respect for yourself. Chin up!

  27. Colleen

    Dear person that I dont know. Damn have I ever been there. And the first one always hurts the most. But, from the flipside, can I just say that you’re already doing damned well – you’re being kind to yourself, you’re reaching out to your friends, you’re being proactive about pulling yourself out of it. Using your break up as fuel for doing something productive will make you feel seriously badass in a few months. I, for one, used my great heartbreak to get mad fit and score a book deal. I ran into my ex the day I turned in my manuscript looking hot, smiling and, oh, who is that hottie indie rock boy that just smacked my ass? TRIUMPH. You will have similar karmic retribution. And you will most definitely 100% find love again. Cause boy, you FINE.

  28. Ame

    Ugh I hate the sad irony of this post, but you are an amazing guy (from what I gather) and sad 1950s housewife trapped in a sexy gay man or not, you’re going to be ok. There will be other sexy gay mens sashaying into your life before you know it and stealing all your Think Thin bars! Like the poster above me, I agree with the full year sentiment. Allow yourself to do things you’ve never done in that time, enjoy the hell out of redoing your place to be all about YOU, and not worry about what someone else would want to see or work into the place.

    All the best, big hugs and it’s no longer worth the tears. I think you’ve mourned enough!

  29. Things do get better. I ended an 8-year relationship a little over a year ago and ended it in a big way (moved out and into my new place in 3 days due to the circumstances). You are not overly-sensitive, you are just feeling your feelings. I know you aren’t asking for advice, but I will share one tidbit I wish I had known about. You’ll someday soon feel pretty damned good and then all of a sudden nothing in particular happens and you’ll find yourself sobbing in the produce section of the grocery or some other random place. Those feelings have a nasty way of hitting you all of a sudden, but trust me, that shit ends eventually too. Hang in there!

  30. Reid Thompson

    awww, you poor thing! you’re such a cutie…hang in there!

  31. diane

    Never be less sensitive – it’s part of what makes you so adorable 🙂
    ((hugs!))

  32. riye

    As a previous commenter wrote, a lot of the old cliches about getting over someone are true–but when you’re right in the middle of it they feel like a bunch of lies. Go ahead and redecorate, make some angry art (I totally recommend it), and do some weird, made-up tribal ritual that includes booze (my friend burned an effigy of her ex–it was so much fun!). I wish I could send my sweet, cute, single, gay co-worker over to console you but I know its too soon. Take care.

  33. lauren o'k

    Oh, Orblogdo, I certainly can’t say anything more that hasn’t been said already about how wonderful you are and how I can only imagine good things for your future no matter how sucky things feel right now…EXCEPT, no matter how down you are feeling, just don’t take the magic potion that Isabella Rossellini offers you, no matter how tempting her American Gladiator-styled manservants Tom, Dick and Harry make it look!

  34. Lauren

    If I were a single, gay man, I’d want to marry you. Alas, I am a married, straight woman who wants to marry you.

  35. Cat

    Dear Orlando,
    I’m a loyal reader who doesn’t comment (shameful, I know), but I’m breaking the silence to tell you: A) I’m sorry about your heart, B) I love you and your domestic apron-clad spirit animal, and C) everything happens as it’s meant to. In my experience, the unknown, though scary, always ends up enriching our lives more than the known we grow accustomed to. You know that in the design world! We thrive on change, and I believe you’re about to experience some fucking incredible thriving in your life now.

  36. Lance

    KFC boneless = no choking!!! (Also boneless: ice cream, s’mores, wine…)

  37. Eileen

    Hi O, I am a long-time reader who’s never commented. I am so sorry for the break-up, that really blows. If I ever see you in WeHo, I will give you a hug. So be prepared for a total random person to hug you. Get all the heartbreak out, be super dramatic, cry loudly when you hear a love song (my break-up song was Taylor Dayne’s Love Will Lead You Back. Love did not lead him back, though, fucker), cry even louder while driving or when its raining, buy something crazy stupid expensive, talk to your friends endlessly and wallow as needed. Know that all your blog readers love you and are watching 90’s break-up movies in honor of your suffering. By the end of the those movies, the heroine looks even more fabulous and becomes more successful, so I hope that all happens for you. If you can, hop on a plane to somewhere fantastic, since they do that in the movies too. You can be ugly crying while looking at a dramatic landscape. I’ve done it and it feels like I’m in a movie. It’s awesome.

  38. rychelle

    “When you experience it yourself, it feels like somebody very important to you has died.” man, oh man, i get it.

  39. Dear Orlando,
    I love your blog, even though I rarely comment, and I am so sorry that you are hurting. When my boyfriend dumped me, all I could do was cry and eat popcorn chicken and watch Gilmore Girls and think about how I would be alone forever. But as time went on, a lot of good things about my life that had been pushed into the woodwork came back out, and as I got a little distance I realized that guy who I had wanted to love and support forever was actually kind of a tool sometimes, and that we weren’t as right for each other as I had thought.

    So I hope that happens for you, too, and I know it’s going to get better soon, so hang in there! I agree with Cat, I think this means amazing things are in store for you. 🙂

  40. What intelligent people read your blog. Everything they wrote was what I wanted to say to you but couldn’t put into words. Love you Orlando.

  41. Orlando, you are awesome and thank you. This was such a good thing to read today. Just the right amount of humor and sincerity. Thank you for being open with us.

  42. rack

    What a sage and wonderful blog post… thanks Orlando! I can only imagine how hard it was to write. I was also broken up with 6 months ago and it SUCKS. all your friends (and, in your lucky case, readers) will tell you how great and attractive and hilarious you are. It doesn’t help, does it? All I could think was, “if I’m such a catch why did I get dumped?” It takes a while to get over that feeling and you will be better for it! I think giving yourself enough time is key, as is taking care of yourself. Sounds like you have a great support system and the cliche “it gets better” is true… (says me 6 months later, talk to me back in feb, woof).

  43. Referencing Steel Magnolias is always the right place to start. Breakups are the worst, for sure, and the comments here are top notch. I agree with all of the above and reiterate anyone who said don’t try to push all your emotions down so you get over them quickly. Be angry, be sad, be depressed. Let it happen. It won’t last forever, but let it be there now.

    And if you need a laugh, I really loved this cartoon by Hyperbole and a Half about depression. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

    I know your situation is different, but it’s still funny, and I love this part: “I’ve always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally – finally – after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn’t have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn’t rent Jumanji.”

  44. love you orlando. all the old moes i know are looking into senior co-housing. no cannibal cats. xxx

  45. julia

    fast healing my friend! Its rough out there

  46. Leigh Ann

    Oralando – read Your Voice in My Head by Emma Forrest…she went through a crazy break up and she was on the verge of going crazy, like for realz…and she saw her way up & out.

  47. The fastest way to a cat eaten face future is to bury the hurt, block out the feelings and harden your heart. Please do not entertain any of these options. Continue to allow yourself to feel. Big hugs to you and your heart.

    “Don’t let the teardrops rust your shining heart”

  48. Jihane

    Dear Orlando,
    you’re obviously awesome. That being said, I’m truly convinced everything happens for a reason, and everything has a meaning. If the meaning of this breakup is not clear to you right now (because it’s perfectly healthy to be sad and angry and act crazy right now), it will be clear later. Sometimes all we need is time and nothing else! So you just have to keep being awesome and trust Life/God/Mother Nature/Human nature, well, trust what you believe in, because what you believe in takes and gives what’s best for you. I hope what I’m tryin to say shortly doesn’t sound weird to you (my english is far from being perfect!), anyway, let’s redecorate and eat chocolate!

  49. Even though we’ve never met, I know from reading your blog that you’re super awesome.

  50. Tom

    Hi Orlando,

    Sorry to read your story – it’s a really hard time I know. Went through the same thing a couple of years ago and it was all consuming at the time. In my experience time doesn’t necessarily heal, but it does dull the pain.

    I wouldn’t swap my time with my guy for anything although the breakup was devastating for me it was a wonderful time (before the breakup).

    Your story is almost the same as mine so it was as if I had written your blog!

    You’ll be fine. It’ll take time but you will come out okay. There is no right way to deal with this emptiness and loss, just do whatever you need to do (as long as its legal and doesn’t hurt anyone!).

    Tom
    🙂

  51. Erin

    You make me laugh even through your heartbreak! You know what Oprah says, you gotta go through the fire. And then you will meet someone new and they will light a fire in your pants. Oprah may not have said that last part.

  52. KVB

    I am so sorry to read this entry and wish I could give you a big hug (if I actually knew you, since it would just be creepy as a stranger to do it now). It’s a cliche, but it will feel better one day, and losing him is just making room for the RIGHT man. Sending positivity your way…

  53. Evan

    so honest and funny @ the same time. i even got teary eye a time or two, this was a beautiful read. thank you 😉

  54. Laura

    While I’m not gay, I know exactly where you are coming from-intimately. Wish I could give you a time frame, somebody give ME a timeframe..please. But I have my new favorite book-Broken Open. Get it yesterday. It helps seriously. Run out of friends who listen? Email me. GET THEE TO THE BOOKSTORE STAT
    Laura

  55. BridgetG

    Sigh. Sympathy.

  56. Katy

    Orlando,

    Can we just talk about how many people love you?? You are SO loved and your words are SO cherished by everyone. You will get through this crap, but until then, just think on this post and remember how many people value who you are, what you say, and what you have to offer.

    Now go do what I do after a breakup—sit on the couch, listen to Sara McLaughlin’s “I Will Remember You,” and cry for a good week until you’re ready to start taking over the world again. If you listen to that song enough, your ears will start bleeding, and you will be forced to get off the couch. Works every time. 🙂

    Love you.
    Katy

  57. Jen

    Oh darling. He was a douche. You deserve better. Chin up. Continue to be fabulous and good things will happen.

  58. Ash B

    Orlando, you are such a sweet guy. It’s going to be OK as much as it doesn’t feel that way. For now, you need a hug, girl! And vodka.

    I always think – and have found personally – that breaking up with someone you love and are living with makes the next time you make the leap of living with someone so much better.

    You learn SO much: how you want to be treated, how to treat someone you love, how to have arguments that actually end in resolution, how much you can push and be pushed, how important your own identity is in a relationship to balance out all that “togetherness”. You learn what you want a relationship to really be. And that is priceless knowledge.

    You’ll be a stronger, wiser person for going through this… And that will make for a perfect relationship when the time is right.

    Ash

  59. So sorry to hear what you are going through:( You seem like such a sweetheart, I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. Sounds like you’ve hit rock bottom emotionally, there’s no where to go but up from here. Just know you are loved.

  60. someone

    I was just about to say EVERYTHING that is written above, but these jerks beat me to it. I’m happy to read your writing again (although feel free to leave out the cat crap, let’s be honest, cats are gross.)
    Signed,
    Your best friend that you don’t know.

  61. MR

    I had someone very close to me die, and people tried to comfort me by reminding me that, with time, everything sinks in and eventually becomes normal. But that didn’t make me feel better – I wanted the person back in my life, not to just forget about them! What I soon learned, though, is yes, the pain of losing someone (however you lose them) does subside…but you also come to love the space that the person left behind. The memories, the experiences, the growth you shared with them – that doesn’t just disappear or become less important. All of those things become cherished, positive parts of who you are and always will be.

  62. Sweetums, I have no words of wisdom. This is an awful story and I would not wish it on anyone. You deserve much better.

    The good news is, every time a heart breaks, it grows back a little bigger. It really does. Soon, you will have that much more love to give (and recieve). And here is more good news — you are young, sexy, funny, and accomplished — you are a catch. If I were a dude I’d be lookin you up!

    One day this time will pass and you will only think of it when singing sad, drunken karaoke songs. Until then, I wish you hugs and Hagen Daz. Hang in there, ok? 😉

  63. GayHermit

    Well. I can’t offer any advice that hasn’t already been covered above. (Since I haven’t been on a date with anyone in a long ass time, me giving relationship advice is ridiculous anyway.) One thing I can do is give you a break-up song list! (Its too bad I haven’t dated. I would probably rock the break-up part.) This is for when you get to, or are ready for, the empowerment, I’m over you, f@ck yourself stage.
    The first and the third to last songs are really just for fun. (And a sort of lame attempt to show my hard rock, heavy metal, punk roots.) (eyeroll.)
    Wishing you the Best!

    -Two Way Ass – Pansy Division – More Lovin’ From Our Oven
    -Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway
    -Walk Away – Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway
    -No More Words – Berlin – Best Of Berlin 1979-1988
    -Fighter – Christina Aguilera – Stripped
    -The Only Good Thing (You Ever Said Was Goodbye) – Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – Notorious
    -I Hate Myself For Loving You – Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – Up Your Alley
    -Little Too Late – Pat Benatar – Get Nervous
    -I’ll Do It – Pat Benatar – Get Nervous
    -18 Wheeler – Pink – Missundaztood
    -Think – Aretha Franklin – The Best Of Aretha Franklin
    -Stronger (Album version) – Britney Spears – Stronger [Single]
    -Rock Steady – Aretha Franklin – The Best Of Aretha Franklin
    -Respect – Pink Feat. Scratch – Missundaztood
    -Run Runaway – Slade – The Amazing Kamikaze Syndrome
    -You Suck – The Murmurs – (No idea what album that is from.)
    – Time for me to Fly – REO Speedwagon – The Hits

  64. Hi Orlando! I’m CC and I have been a loyal reader of this blog for months now…. sorry to hear about your relationship…. I could totally be your stand-in internet boyfriend from Singapore if you are interested. We can totally skype and talk about our feelings and stuff….. haha

    CHEER UP!! 🙂 and BE STRONG!!

  65. Cathrynj

    Sooooo sorry! It will get better…..one day. Until then gather friends who love you close. I am long time past a big breakup and still look back on it- we were engaged- as a fail. But it has become a part of me just like the scar I got from trying to use a dull steak knife to pry out fresh coconut from the shell.
    Take care of yourself like your best friend would take care of you and let me know if you need help painting.

  66. Jtoufar

    Ya I am pretty sure if my husband and I broke up (divorce? separated? annulled? killed each other?) someone might have to come to my house and physically drag me from the bed. I wish I had someone witty and charming and endearing to say. But everyone else was smart and funny already before me (dammit all of you) and therefore I got nothing.
    The last time I was broken up with, I didn’t even love the guy and it sucks. I cried myself to sleep, woke up, remember why my life sucks: someone I don’t even find all that attractive anyway broke up with ME. With me! I am the one who does the breaking up dammit!, and starting bawling again. All that to say, no judgement if you decide to sit in your lovely apartment for weeks on end in your boxers eating delicious Styrofoam, I meant, Cheetos, and sob continuously for hours while watching Lifetime movies. Everyone has done it. Wait, what do you mean it’s just me?
    You are LOVED! By complete strangers! You are remarkably handsome funny talented guy and if people can’t notice it, then eff em. You don’t want to be with dumb fu…ducks anyway.

  67. Judy

    Sorry to hear about your shitty time Orlando. Wishing for brighter days for you.

  68. I just got broken up with too :'( You’re such a hottie, you’ll be okay! I wish I knew you in real life and then we could be breakup buddies and cry into our ice cream/wine together D:
    <3
    Christine

  69. Eileen

    Orlando,

    You are a sweet heart, I am so sorry you are hurting. Time does heal but getting a puppy always helps.

  70. Mary Ann Williamson

    As I have had to day to myself ,Put your high heels on and keep moving.He did you a favor.At least you are not in divorce court giving up half of everything you own.You will be just fine .

  71. Oh Orlando…whoever wouldn’t want an intelligent, talented, cute, handsome, 1950’s housewife of their own is crazy and will live a life of unfulfilled dreams.

    As someone who got pretty much dumped right before Marriage Equality also, I say f*** em!

    And you got it…redecorate the hell out of your house.

    Work out; make them bitches jealous.

    Overdose on the new Pet Shop Boys album.

    Get a haircut and stuff like that.

    Go on that rebound date with some hot little mess and be over with it!

    Then call me.

  72. Miguel Soria

    Hang in there Londo. Sorry you are suffering through this rite of passage, and loss. This deepens your ability to empathise. You have a great heart.
    Love you.

  73. Pingback: 5 Things You Can Learn from Being Single | peopleliferelationship

  74. Gail Hutcheson

    Orlando thanks for your great blog, I havn’t laughed so much in ages! I’m from Glasgow so laughing at other peoples misfortune is what we do best. That and wear all white clothing and get orange at the sun bed salon. No advice to give you, life just sucks sometimes. And then it doesn’t.

  75. Wow… We the gays really don’t miss a beat, do we? How many propositions are up here in the comments? 🙂 Add some torso and penis pictures and you’ve got your very own version of Grindr, Orlandr.

    As for the time it takes to get over being dumped, well, I’m vindictive- so it takes enough time for me to find someone more attractive and more successful than the person who dumped me. Then I rub it in the dumpers face and feel victorious as I watch them age, gain weight and disappear into suburban obscurity.

  76. Pingback: So You’ve Been Dumped, Now What? | The Pink Agendist

  77. Dar

    After my divorce I remember checking out at the grocery store and being convinced the checkout girl was staring at my “ringless” finger; judging me! And though it has been a long time I still remember the pain. It is gone; replaced by something better…. a better me and a better relationship. It was part of my journey to get me to today. I love my life and whatever was in my past that brought me here I am grateful for. The pain will SLOWLY fade; but you will GROW! Hang in there!

  78. Jethro

    Hang in there buddy. No Pain No Gain. You will learn from this I promise.

  79. Francisco

    first of all my apologies but my english is not the best, since it is my third language lol.
    in relation to the post and having already gone through some discontinuities, 2010 was my anus horribilis … lots of promising relationships end up the wrong whay … I’ll risk some advice ….
    1. º time helps heal… and the right person will show up there … have fun … goout with friends … buy hideously expensive shoes …
    2. º friends … many … out with them, going for dinner … going on vacation ….
    3. º learns to live with it, the memories will never fade … but will become fainter
    4. º and this is really the only advice that will not sound like deja vue… people d`ont take, in our heart, the place of each other, and when you meet a new mister right … and the pain fades restablish friendship with ex … Relationships change … but if at some point the person seemed perfect to share life makes sense to keep that person in your life … differently … but right in our lives yet!
    finally a hint of survival … do not see “single men’s” by tom ford until the pain fades

  80. Robbie Heitman

    So, I read Emily’s blog yesterday and yours today. My favorite quote in all of the land came to mind when reading about your situation,so I’m going to share it with you:
    “When you get to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen. Either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
    So many of life’s disappointments can be made better by just understanding that in time you WILL be able to return to life as you knew it. Have faith and be patient and this, too, shall pass! Good luck, Orlando. I will be praying for you.

  81. This is both hilarious and so relatable and tender. We have all been there, and you articulated so accurately what it feels like to have lost someone that was, just yesterday, so close to you. I don’t know if it will help, but I offer the following: http://www.livesimplybyannie.com/mondays-meditation-on-breaking-up/

  82. Long time reader, first time commenter. I just couldn’t hold back.

    This post made me both incredibly sad yet at some points I had to hold in a giggle (I don’t care how old and sad you think you’ll become, you will never look like that pic of Clint Eastwood!!). There is no way that you will die alone and your cats will eat your face off, even though it feels that way right now! Just remember that this door has closed and a new one will soon be opening. And hopefully that new door will be full of happiness and love and will help you feel whole again. 🙂

    Until then, try to keep your head up and know that you have tons of “friends” and “family” that are cheering you along the whole way.

    Shannon

  83. Maxime Giroux

    Dear Orlando.
    Long time reader, first time commenter, ever, on any sites.
    Your post moved me to tears and had me laughing at the same time. Break ups are The Worst. But you have a wonderful sense of humor, and your lucidity and courage writing this post, tells me you will get through this. Even though you may think at times you’ll never get out of this state. Trust me, you will.
    Looking forward to reading you very soon and seeing the great new home you’ll make for yourself.
    Big hug from Montreal
    Maxime
    P.S. Butterfly by Kylie Minogue was a huge help in dancing through my breakup.

  84. Here’s the upside Orlando : You no longer have to work the disgusting color brown into your lovely, soon to be re-decorated, home!!!

  85. Orlando, you are ridiculously smart, funny, talented, not to mention handsome! I love how you can still be humorous and self-deprecating while in pain — that’s inner strength! I have no words of wisdom…breakups just suck, period, but I’m sending positive vibes your way. Feel better soon!

  86. priscilla

    sorry about the break up, it sucks big time. you’re a dish. keep busy. that’s all i’ve got.
    hugs

  87. Dearest one,

    I stumbled upon your post and immediately my heart dropped into my gut and the visceral memories of my last horrible nasty breakup came to mind. (I ended up naming my ex “Voldemort” because his name was too terrible to repeat.) I swear everything happens for a reason, though. I went through one of those terrible times that left me looking like Pookie the crackhead. (White lips and all) What got me through was time, cutting all ties with that wanker AND watching “Something’s Gotta Give” It’s the ultimate breakup movie. Diane Keaton just gets it lol…You’ll see. Get it. Watch it. Heal.

    Hugs from a stranger!

  88. Leah

    i had a terrible break-up at 29 that sent me running home to mommy…so embarrassing! i know it hurts, but don’t forget what a catch you are Orlando! big hugs

  89. Shannon

    Well…..I want to mary you. Being that I’m a woman, already married, have 5 kids, and live in the suburbs, I’m assuming your feelings wouldn’t be mutual, BUT know that if I were a gay hot man, like yourself, I would want to “hit that” (meaning you, of course) on a daily basis. We’d probably fight for the role of the 1950’s houswife, because that’s pretty much my reality, but we’d make it work…..I just know it.

    You’re super duper awesome and YES you will recover and find bliss again.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

  90. David

    You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

    Love & Rockets,
    -d

  91. Anna

    I’m impressed by how hilarious you are even when dealing with something so dififcult.
    So glad Emily linked to your blog today. Definitely going to be reading from now on.

  92. Bravo. Been there — 7 year break up last year and let’s just say, I basically burned to ashes. One year out… new apt… new flea marketed finds… I am coming to the other side. It fucking sucks being vulnerable to love. It fucking hurts… but it’s also beautiful and gives life meaning. And… I love S & T, great choice. xoxo

  93. Filippo

    Orlando, as a long time reader I have always thought you were a wonderful person. Reading this post made realize you are someone really special and unique. Being so honest about your feelings with all of us has been a great gift to me because I keep everything inside. I never share my feelings the way you do. Sharing makes you realize that there are people that care about you. Your ex did not deserve you. It will take time to heal this wound but I am sure you will meet someone to love. You deserve it. Un abrazo muy fuerte.

  94. carl

    I don’t ever comment, but I can’t stand not to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m at the 9 month mark of my separation and divorce and I’m still very tender and mourning the loss of my partner and the life I thought I would have. I wish you peace and comfort. I wish you time and space to heal, the ability to find joy in small things, and patience with yourself and your circumstances. xx

  95. Trex

    Dear O,

    Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear about your break up. You are clearly a bright, talented and adorable guy and will make it through this. Speaking from experience, you have a lot to offer and life has a lot to offer – better things to come! Now come to P-town and help my bf and I find some chairs for my living room! 😉 XO

  96. sundayboy

    To be vulnerable is to be alive. You have the courage to submit your heart to all the good and bad that can happen. That means you’re one in a million. He will find you. You will find him. Probably where you least expect to.

  97. You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important. Now get eat Pei Wei and buck up.

  98. I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I feel bad admitting that I literally Lol’ed reading this post. I blame you for being so funny. Also, does it make me a selfish jerk for saying that I can’t WAIT to see how you make over your apartment? In all seriousness, though, with your wit, humour, talent, and bone structure, it’s only a matter of time before love finds you again. 🙂

  99. I read much in this post that I relate to including wallowing to the latest album from those damn lesbian twins. Your ability to feel and grieve deeply is a beautiful thing. Reflect and slowly rebuild. The man of your 15 year-old dreams will be waiting for you and he won’t ever leave you crying along to “I was a Fool”.

  100. trevorsisboom

    I read the whole thing but stopped feeling true concern once I got to the part about you having a ‘breakup anthem’. Really, that is all any self-respecting gay guy needs to navigate the post-relationship landscape. (Read 2nd Book of Ally McBeal verses 3-20 for verification.) But seriously, if you are half as charming as you are here and half as hot you will be through this and on your way to the alter in now time. (I say “IF” because…well..you know gays and online photos…) And hey, just a few years after you hit that alter you too can be jaded like, you know, so many of the older gay men you know, their skins thick, hearts hardened, from years of, um, marriage.

  101. Rick

    I read this post and felt the haunting chills of deja vu. I am also going through the loss of a relationship that I did not see coming. I, too, walk around the streets feeling like there is something missing. Complete strangers have stopped and asked me if I was lost. I am lost, I know over time I will find my way again. Until then, I have had friends and all those wonderful “apps” to keep my company. I have two equally dramatic breakup anthems, Adele’s “Someone Like You” and “On My Own” from Les Miserables (Lea Salonga version, not Samantha Banks). You are not alone, even though you feel totally alone….

  102. Leah

    Oh, my heart breaks for you 🙁 Your ex is an idiot, who wouldn’t want a repressed 50’s housewife for a boyfriend?!? You are so adorable and funny. You will find love again.

  103. Pingback: Link Love: Hommemaker | Samantha cycles.

  104. Varsha

    This was the best story of a breakup I’ve read. And very true. I’m not sure if you’re reading the comments on this post anymore but I thought I’d share my experience with a terrible breakup years ago. Something in me totally snapped and all the sad song playlists in the world weren’t doing it. So, one night I sat down and wrote a story about what I was feeling…pretty thinly veiled…printed out 100 copies and posted them all over the small college town I was living in at the time (the kind where everyone knows everyone). At 3am in the morning. It was the craziest thing I’ve done and totally out of character for me (a type A scientist). I remember one particularly overzealous security guard trying to chase me down. I still cringe when I think about it, and I have no idea why I did it and who did or didnt read that story. But it took this horrible time in my life and turned it into something that is downright funny to me now. I guess the thing I’m trying to say is that however traumatizing and hurtful breakups can be, they also are the most vulnerable times in your life and when you’re open to things you usually wouldn’t be. And if you channel that into creativity…like writing this post or painting…your memories of that time in your life aren’t so sad.

    I wish you all the best…and you seem like a great catch:)

  105. Dirk

    I’m so sorry to hear.. but someone so talented and sensitive is always strong, too! Keep up, you’re in my thoughts!
    Love,

    Dirk

  106. Alfredo H.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling down. Hang in there, it would be a real shame if your cats end up eating that cute face. Besides redoing your space (can’t wait to see that), take a trip! Go to Cabo or Acapulco (I’ll meet you there!), just take time to recompose and let things fall into place again. You are awesome! I’m sure the right guy will pop up when you least expect it, but you won’t see him if your eyes are blurred with tears.
    Love,
    Alfredo

  107. I know exactly how you feel. A few years ago I thought I found the love of my life. He was my first true love. After three months I told him, drunkly. He awkwardly did not reciprocate. Still, we had another five months of joy and then, what seemed to come from no where, he told me it wasn’t working.

    It was over.

    For keeps.

    And it was Australia Day.

    (Which happens to be my favourite public holiday).

    I felt like I had lost part of myself. And it’s as you say: I didnt want to leave the house because I thought people would look at me and see a shell of a man.

    I was a mess.

    I was a bore of an individual to my friends who (kindly) had to endure conversations about love and life and me and me and me.

    And it was awful.

    And then, eventually, it got better.

    And now I am amazing.

    You are a witty, kind hearted gem of a man. It will hurt. For who knows how long. But you will move on and eventually, maybe, just find the right guy for you.

    Glad you’re back.

    x

  108. I should have expected this from a screen name like “hommemaker”. Assimilation in the gay community makes me sick! smh

  109. Rob

    I know that wasn’t written to BE funny…but I honestly could not stop laughing! Great blog. I’m gonna have to start following you. On the internet. Not like in a stalker kinda way. Just to be clear.

  110. frendo

    Maybe he realized the lifestyle wasn’t worth it and he couldn’t keep up with your incessant narsassism

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