Whazup With My New Design Client Kelly Oxford

Dear Reader,

You know, this summer brought about a lot of change for me. The love of my life ran out the door, screaming and crying about hating my ugly face (lie, mostly), my sister got married (truth), and I started working exclusively with my own clients, after years of working with Emily Henderson (truth). This summer was crazy and tumultuous and sad and gross, but now autumn is arriving and everything is falling into place and all of the sudden my life is glamorous again. I’ve started working with a great company that pairs designers with clients. The company is Homepolish and they’re awesome. They make the whole design process way more streamlined and easy to deal with. For designers they’re great because they take care of all the business stuff (billing, taxes, etc). For clients they’re great because they help you find world-class designers and offer a range of services that fit into a number of different budgets. [Turns to camera: “Can I have my money now?”] {Just kidding this is not a sponsored post}.

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My first client for Homepolish is Kelly Oxford. Those of you who are in the know already know who she is. In all honesty, I actually didn’t know who she was before this project. But that hasn’t stopped me from getting psychotically obsessed with her. I find very few people funny. But I immediately found her hilarious. My first tip off was the name of her book:

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When I recited the title of this book to a friend he asked me if I had written it because it sounded so much like something I would say. Literally my exact sense of humor. [Sidenote: Did you hear that they changed the meaning of the word literal to not mean “literal” anymore? Like you can literally say something is literally literal when it literally isn’t. I can’t tell if I think that’s really annoying or kind of cool. Like if enough overly dramatic Northeastern college students use a word incorrectly they now have the power to change its meaning. That is literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard].

Speaking of literal, Kelly’s tweets, which are greatly credited for her fame, are literally the funniest tweets in the world. Here are ten of my faves:

1. “Eminem songs about relationships and parenting is basically mommy blogging.”

2. “Is it cardio if you try on a bikini and have a panic attack for 20 minutes?”

3. “The first thing I think when I see a profile picture of someone kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend is ‘What a fucked up relationship.'”

4. “Anonymous rude comments are a great way to anonymously tell the world you don’t believe your opinion is very important.”

5. “Just told my 5 yr old she’s full of blood and made her cry.”

6. “Just watched a woman put on her sunglasses before walking into a restaurant, in case you wondered what living in LA is like.”

7. “Yesterday I heard a 4yr old say “I can only drink room temperature water,” if you’re wondering what life in LA is like.”

8. “Gram (at 91) ‘I know I’m fun because homosexual men love talking to me.'”

9. “My Gram died today. She once asked me how gay people have sex, I said ‘the way you think” she shouted “I knew it!'”

10. “I would pay Liam Neeson 1MILLION dollars to follow me around and shout ‘Get the fuck out of her way’ for one afternoon.”

In addition to being hilarious, she’s also supes pretty. Which kind of boggles my mind. I have this theory that pretty people are never funny. Which, according to my extensive research, is 100% true all the time. Most good/relatable/actually funny humor comes from a feeling of alienation. And people who grow up pretty just don’t have that sensibility because everyone was nice to them their whole lives because – DUH – they were pretty. This is why I’m convinced that I am hilarious. I was one of the ugliest children/adolescents in the history of time. At least that’s what I like to tell myself in order to make it okay when I laugh at all my own jokes. In conclusion, Kelly is gorgeous. Which is weird and stuff but she totally makes up for it by being an effing genius.

Look at her in these glamourpics:

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She can do cute.

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She can do weird circus lady with creepyman.

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She can do literal supermodel kill yourself.

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She can do “Disney Hand-Boobs.”

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And finally, she was on the Today show. Did you know that I have a secret fascination with the Today show? I do. The combination of banal “cat-saves-baby” stories with crazy cracked out happy hosts that makes me really excited. Plus I love that there’s always some white person with a Spanish sounding name (ahem, Natalie Morales!) that makes me feel included as a fellow white person with a Spanish sounding name (ahem, Orlando Soria!).

Here is the mood board I put together for Kelly’s office:

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Kelly has very masculine/mid-century taste. Thus, I’ve designed her office to be relatively simple, clean lines, nods to 1960s literati style, and furnished with pieces as unique and outlandish as she is. This week we are getting the painters in and ordering all the furniture. It’s pretty exciting. Mainly because I get to hang out with Kelly and drink lattes and talk about our feelings and how we’re both scared that we are going to die in a giant earthquake today. I’ll have an update in the next few weeks with how we’ve progressed and shots of the space. Get. EXCITED!

Love,
Orlando

12 Comments

Filed under Decor, Life

12 Responses to Whazup With My New Design Client Kelly Oxford

  1. I’ve never heard of Homepolish….will have to check it out!

    Congrats on going out on your own. It’s hard work but everyone loves you and your style so your sooo golden!

  2. Well, you are the funniest, gay, male, blogger I have ever read! And handsome, to boot! I ain’t 92, but I’m like Kelly’s gram. I’m accumulating gay male friends all of a sudden. (???)

  3. Azure

    Ooo, that’s the same chandelier in James Franco’s pop-up that Emily blogged about today. Hopefully you’ll give us a source in the final reveal.

    Also, how do you get a cool surname like Oxford? Do you have to be part of the royal family?

  4. Hilarious post, I thoroughly enjoyed reading. The highlight? May very well be your explanation for the changing definition of “literally.” Other high points include: your take on the pretty/funny distribution. Thanks for the amusement. And hey, congrats on the Lady Oxford!

  5. Lara

    Match made in ______?! Congrats!

  6. Anne

    Hanging a framed photo of Jerri Blank on your wall is the greatest thing ever! Are you making that yourself?? I want to know more. (Everything else is awesome, too.)

    • Actually Anne that’s a TV. I photoshopped an image of “Strangers With Candy” into it because I imagined that Kelly would need to watch a lot of that while working, just like any normal human being would…

  7. Lauren

    Orlando – feel free to expand your Homepolish availability to the Santa Rosa area! I would love for our cozy home to get “Oxford-ed”!

  8. Alisa Richter

    love this so much!

  9. Sarah

    Whaaaat?!? Not with Em Hebderson. I’m both thrilled for you and somehow feel like my cyber parents are getting divorced.
    All tge very best to you…you’re amazing!

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