Five Fun Things For the Homme

Dear My Apartment,

Are you ever scared, that someday, maybe even someday soon, I will fill you with so much garbagetreasure that you will look like the home of a deranged collector, forced to live alone forever because no one could ever love someone who buried himself in so many objects? I do. But sometimes I see something pretty and my eyes turn into spirals like the snake in “The Jungle Book” and I just have to have it. Regardless of whether it fits in my place or not. Luckily I have been finding a lot of tiny, apartment-size treasures lately. Below are five of my favorite recent finds.

painting-landscape

1. Landscape Painting. $37.50 from Missouri Mouse (St. Paul YO!).

Why do I love seascapes so much? Why do they make my heart feel complete? When did Zac Efron turn into a man? The world is so confusing.

brass-crab

2. Brass Crab. $75 from Casa Victoria

Yes, I hear you. It was hard spending $75 on a vintage brass crab. But they I was like “Self, it’s a brass crab, go for it!” And then everything was ok.

vintage-scissors

3. Vintage German Brass Scissors. $6 from Antique Alley in Santa Barbara.

I’m sorry. Did these scissors change your life yet? They really make me happy. I spent a few minutes chopping paper this morning for no reason other than to ogle these babies.

candlesticks

4. Glamourous Brass Candlesticks. $2.99 each from St. Vincent de Paul

St. Vincent de Paul is always an adventure. Mainly because the place is DISGUSTING. Like everything smells like rotting birds and whenever you touch anything you get dirt all over your hands and face and look like a chimney sweep from “Mary Poppins.” But then sometimes you find something cool and it makes all the filth worth it. Or is it worth it? [Applies scabies medication].

book

5. The World’s Most Depressing Book. $20 from Missouri Mouse

I will probably never read this book, but the title and the cover are perhaps the most important contribution to literature in the history of time.

book-cove

The cover really deserves a second look. I mean, check out that diagram. “DESCENDANTS??” Part of me wants to read this and another part of me realizes I would probably want to commit suicide immediately upon finishing the first chapter.

geometric-planter

5. Ceramic Planter. $10 from Long Beach Flea market. A gift from my (stunningly gorgeous) friend Matthew Lanphier.

I love geometric objects and plants, so this thing was right up my alley. Fun fact: did you know that if you live in an apartment and don’t feel like getting dirt all over the place most nurseries will pot plants for you for little to nothing? Mickey’s Plants in Los Angeles does it, as does Seven Day Nursery in Santa Barbara, where I got this guy planted. Having it planted at a store is helpful because then you don’t have random half-empty bags of dirt in your apartment. Speaking of bags of dirt, all men are dirtbags. Including me. That is all.

whale-hunt-book

5. Whale Book. $10 from Mall of St. Paul

whale-book

I couldn’t resist this book because it is the exact hue I like of aqua, my very favorite color. Also, that 1950s typography really does something for me. Something sexual and raw and unexpected. I think I need to be alone…

Ok, so you probably realized that was more than five items. I tried to make it seem like five by repeating five three times, but you probably caught on to me. This is something a lot of hoarders do. Saying they bought less than they really did. If you need me I’ll be at a mental institution undergoing electrotherapy for my hoarding addiction.

Love,
Orlando

15 Comments

Filed under Decor, Life

15 Responses to Five Fun Things For the Homme

  1. “A deranged collector, forced to live alone forever because no one could ever love someone who buried himself in so many objects”

    I’m pretty sure I’ve been to that house. And it’s in North Minneapolis.

  2. Kevin Orlin Johnson

    I’m not a hoarder. I need all of my books. I really do. That is why I need my warehouse. I need everything. OK, maybe I’m needy. But I’m not a hoarder.

  3. Lauren

    I haven’t commented on your blog in a while, but I read every word. You never fail to put a smile on my face and I’m so glad Emily helped introduce you to the world! One day I’m going to come to Cali and stalk you both until I meet you. And then I’m going to beg you to take me shopping. I’m not afraid to use tears.

  4. You are my ultra-favorite. Yeah, that’s a thing.

  5. Francesco

    Omg! I love u!
    No …I mean I love this blog !

  6. Thanks for letting me procrastinate for just a little while as I sneak into your apartment to look at your neat-o tchotchkes.

  7. Elisa

    Take me shopping!

  8. Pingback: Weekend Glamourtimez in Santa Barbara | Hommemaker

  9. Nat

    My parents had a menagerie of brass animals, and that crab was by far my favorite. I loved opening up is shell and putting stuff like Barbie shoes in there. What was that for? Was it an ash tray?

  10. Druid

    I love that plant pot. Would you describe that as a rounded polygon? Is there a brand name or anything else identifiable on it?

  11. Angeline

    Oh, how I missed you. Lovely little share.

  12. Oh, Orlando.. Where do I begin!?
    1) You were in MINNESOTA!? My home, my native land. (though I sick to the north.. down south is pretty much the same as Iowa. Not that I have anything against Iowa. But, you know lakes, cabins, trees… vs. corn.)
    2) ADORE the brass crab. Nice work talking yourself into that one.
    3) The landscape is swoon worthy, as is the color palette in the books.
    4) I bought the most awesomely distressed leather chair this week. For $50. It’s pretty much turned my whole world upside down. My living room at least. 48 hours of rearranging & purging since.

  13. I want all your things.

  14. Great post! As a deranged collector myself Orlando, I understand your dilemma as it is mine too. I don’t want to become Miss Havisham wandering around my overstuffed apartment in my tattered wedding gown. I try to rotate my antique objects, so it doesn’t look like too too much. But like your German brass scissors, some things are hard to resist. I mainly collect 19th century silver & pottery & mostly Aesthetic Movement stuff, but don’t give me a chance I’ll go on ad nauseum.

    XO Kelly
    http://www.theantiqueflaneur.com

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