Weekend Glamourtimez in Santa Barbara

Dear Diary,

I woke up on Sunday with ants in my pants and the sense that I needed to do something with my day. I knew I needed to go to the plant nursery to get plant potted in the glamourpot my friend Matthew gave me, I knew I wanted to drink a coffee, and I knew I wanted to stare at the ocean. So I decided to hop in the car and drive up to Santa Barbara because, why not? You only have one life. And if you spend it waddling around Los Angeles like a bozo, eventually you’ll get bored and want to gouge your eyes out with a dull Hello Kitty pencil. I enlisted my friend Nathan to come with me for this adventure.

Our first stop was State Street, where we ogled Spanish Revival Buildings and searched all over the place for a Mexican Restaurant that ended up being closed.

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We saw this terrifying doll at Antique Alley. I’d like to meet the person that made this. And ask them what they were thinking. Seriously. I thought I had issues.

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I forced the poor people at 7 Day Nursery to pot this succulent for me. I didn’t even have to get my hands dirty. EVERYONE WINS! Except for them I guess.

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We stopped by the Old Mission Santa Barbara and wandered around. A fun fact about me is that I am obsessed with California Missions. There’s something about them that’s just so innately Californian. Classic Spanish style because they actually were, like, Spanish.

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My favorite part of the Mission was these beautiful sculptures (the ones shown are by Bruce Wolfe). All the missions have these lovely statues, but I’d never really noticed how, um, intense they were. I mean, check out that gaze. That eye contact. Taken out of context it kind of just looks like a Brokeback Mountain moment…

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And don’t even get me started on this guy’s body. Like what amazing GNC supplements does he take? What gym does he go to? Does he have a personal trainer? That girl’s all “Hay boy wanna go on a date?” And he’s all “Gurl, you think I’m straight with a body like this?” (Please note that I’m not religious so I have no idea who these figures are… I apologize if it’s, like, Jesus and his mom or something).

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I love this guy. He looks just like Paul Newman, the most beautiful man in the history of time. Gimme that statue!

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The wayfinding at the Mission is pretty adorable, little Friars pointing you in the right direction.

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Um, hi weird sculpture from my nightmares.

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If you’ve ever wondered where I live, here it is. The poor box. That’s my house.

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After the Mission we fled down the 101 to  the beach. Whenever I see a sign for the 101 the theme song to The OC starts playing in my head and I imagine that I’m a cracker gangster from Chino who is going to move into a fancy house and steal all of Rachel Bilson’s money. That’s what happens on that show, right? In other news, is it offensive when white people call other white people crackers? I hope not. It may just have become my new favorite thing…

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Speaking of crackers, here I am on the beach acting super crackery. Oh my god why can’t I stop saying cracker? Cracker. Ahhh!

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And here’s my friend Nathan playing with a stick.

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Nathan put his Jack Purcells on a rock and it was such a good product shot that I couldn’t resist. I have these in white, but now I want the grey ones.

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The sunset if California is magic. If you’ve never watched the sunset over the Western ocean, you must. Also, whatever you have planned for this weekend drop it. Instead, get in your car (or on a train [or on a bus]) and go somewhere pretty that’s nearby. Don’t bother with making hotel reservations or making a big ordeal out of it. That will ruin it. Just fly out the door and go somewhere fun. And take a cracker with you. They’re a hoot!

Love,
Orlando

PS: Writing assignment – Are you offended by the word “cracker”? Seriously tell me, in 500 words or less, in a comment. Why or why not? I asked like all my friends and they all gave me different responses so I can’t tell how offensive this term is. Also, I don’t know why I find it so funny. I heard it used by Gabby Sidibe on American Horror Story recently and it cracked me up. I shouldn’t be allowed to watch TV. Anyway, what do you think? Okay or not okay?

20 Comments

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20 Responses to Weekend Glamourtimez in Santa Barbara

  1. Amy

    I love reading your posts!!! You make me smile with your sense of humor and how you write. You’re great!!!!

  2. Kevin Orlin Johnson

    Well, somehow you managed to make a post about going to the beach controversial. That’s because you’re such an insightful and powerful writer.

    However. Yes, that is a statue of Jesus, and the lady is St. Mary Magdalen.

    The group illustrates the Gospel account of the events just after the Resurrection (that’s the first Easter Sunday, you see) as related in John 20:11-18 (that’s Chapter 20, verses 11 through 18): But Mary [Magdalen] stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre, and seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.

    And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

    Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

    Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.

    Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: [that’s why this scene is called, iconographically, Noli me tangere, which the Latin for “Do not touch me”, which may come in handy. If you ever tour Latin America, for instance] but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.

    Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.

    I apologize for the Thee and Saith, but the King James website is handier. And moure glamourous, obviously.

  3. Kevin Orlin Johnson

    Oh, by the way. Those statues are by a sculptor named Wolfe, I think it is. He has a website. Very fine work, but in ecclesial art we Catholics refer to that style as “the Surfer-Dude Jesus”.

  4. As a cracker, I am not offended.

    You should definitely check out comic Mike Birbiglia talking about “cracker”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRK5rU1ZPJc.

    I’d hate to say it “cracks” me up … but … it does.

  5. randi

    I love living in Oxnard because we’re sandwiched between the two great cities of Santa Barbara and LA and we can take both for granted.
    Speaking as a cracker, how is that offensive? It’s fucking stupid. Yes. I used the eff word.

  6. Azure

    I’m not a cracker so I’d better not comment on that. Since you like old Spanish buildings, on your next Santa Barbara day trip, try a walk through the SB Courthouse. There aren’t as many statues but there are a lot of great old murals. Plus the sunken garden is a great place to have a picnic.

  7. Azure

    And you know they have an art fair on Cabrillo Blvd every Sunday, right?

  8. dana

    I go to Santa Barbara a few times a year, and sometimes I head to the mission and it is ALWAYS closed. My friends now make a joke of it – “if you want to see the SB Mission, don’t go with Dana”. It’s nice to see that you got in, and thanks for the lovely photos.
    In other news, I am not offended at all by “cracker” and use it all the time. Crack on, man!

  9. as a half-white cracker doesn’t offend me. BTW your friend Nathan looks like he went spear fishing…

  10. Emily L

    You are funny. We most certainly have the exact same sense of humor. I’m also not religious and the “maybe jesus” statue comments made me laugh a lot. You hit a sweet spot with me on today’s post, because cracker is probably my favorite word ever. Only because it is not ever unfunny. People who find it offensive obviously don’t understand sarcasm (and a bitchy sense of humor).

    I probably also don’t find it offensive because I come from a long line of crackers. And because I (fairly) recently moved from a tropical island to Middle-west Crackerville. (This is not Middle-West Minneapolis–you really have no idea how different my Midwest is from Minneapolis). And b/c I know you are curious: I’m a white, 37 yo, married mother of two.

    • Emily L

      And PS – I’m downplaying my vanity–because I never tell anyone I am 37. People generally think I’m 22-25–so consider yourself honored because I told you the truth.

  11. Melissa G

    As a recovering Catholic I find your comments on the statutes spot on and very funny. I’m not funny so clearly this comment isn’t. That’s why I need to read your blog!
    Thanks for making me smile.

  12. So I was baptized and received my first communion at the mission and I don’t really think that I will ever look at those statutes the same again…

    My mother keeps offering to buy me a plane ticket to visit and I keep turning her down and I look at your photos and I can’t remember why I am doing that. Oh, SB I wish I knew how to quit you.

  13. Hey Orlando!

    Fun post! And you are such a cutie I can’t stand it!

    I loved your planter with the succulents. Very stylish!

    XO Kelly
    www. theantiqueflaneur.com

  14. Love this! I’m not offended by craker. But then again, I’m white to the extreme. You are such a funny writer! …next step comedian?!

  15. Kat

    I’m going to go with no, the term “cracker” is not offensive. According to wikipedia, it either refers to Florida cowboys who used whips rather than lassos, white slavedrivers (again, because of the whips – those who cracked the whips = crackers), or an Elizibethan term for a entertaining story teller (joke-cracker). I’m from Florida, and there’s a traditional type of home down here called the Florida Cracker style – the style is known for big, wrapped porches, a raised foundation to allow for air-flow, and tin roofs with lots of overhang. My parents recently built a house on a classically Florida piece of land (creek, pond, several-hundred year old oaks, lots of moss, gators and deer and coyotes and otters), and they used an updated cracker design.

    So, no, I don’t think “cracker” is especially insulting. Although I prefer the term “honky.” I think it’s funny.

  16. You. Are. Amazing. And the fact you used the word ‘cracker’ made me fall in love with you. I mean, I was in like with you before, but it’s the real deal now. (Except I’m a girl. And married. Sigh.) I’ll just have to console myself with your hilarious and gorgeous blog posts.

    Thank you for being amazing!!

  17. The Poor Box comment made me laugh out loud. And now I want to go on a mini-vacay. Thanks for being hilarious.

  18. Seem

    This post made me so happy. I do not think the word “cracker” is offensive and I’d like to thank you for reminding me how GD funny it is. Thank you. Also, the Jesus and his Mom comment made me LOL. I hate that acronym, but the use, while unfortunate, is apropos because it’s exactly what I did. I LOLed and actually had to put my head down at my desk. At which point I promptly was sought out and scorned with raised eyebrows because no one laughs in my office (stuffy corporate blah blah). Must find another place to read your hilarious and beautiful posts.

  19. nramindet

    This post made me so happy. I do not think the word “cracker” is offensive and I’d like to thank you for reminding me how GD funny it is. Thank you. Also, the Jesus and his Mom comment made me LOL. I hate that acronym, but the use, while unfortunate, is apropos because it’s exactly what I did. I LOLed and actually had to put my head down at my desk. At which point I promptly was sought out and scorned with raised eyebrows because no one laughs in my office (stuffy corporate blah blah). Must find another place to read your hilarious and beautiful posts.

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