Ten Things Not To Do As A New Yorker Visiting LA

Dear Diary,

I awoke yesterday in terror, the same kind of terror that fills my hummingbird heart every Monday morning, as I realize I didn’t work enough over the weekend and I’m already behind and my whole life is going to be like this and then I am going to die and then I’ll be like “why did I waste all my waking life in terror?” And then I realize I should calm down so I try to calm down and that stresses me out. Did you know there’s something called “Meta Stress” where you get stressed out that you’re stressed out and that stresses you out even more? I didn’t but then my friend told me about it this weekend and it explained my entire childhood.

So yeah, I was having one of those Meta Stress moments today and of course some of my stress came from the fact that I haven’t written a blog post in forever and how my blog is important to me and making it a priority is a huge goal for me. Anyway, then I was like “What should I write about?” And then I was all “Why don’t I write that obnoxious post I’ve been meaning to write forever about the annoying things New Yorkers do when they visit LA?” And so I am. And I’m already feeling so much better. I got this idea for this because half my friends still live in New York and they come out here to visit all the time. When I go to New York, tourists stop me on the street to ask for directions because I walk with a purpose and I seem like I know what I’m doing (full disclosure: I never do). When my friends come out here they look like deer in the headlights. It’s time for everyone to get with the program and figure LA out. Or stay home forever and leave us to stare at palm trees whilst getting lung cancer from the flower-scented smog we inhale every day.

Before I begin I’d like to state for the record that I love New York City and that I grew up staring at Yosemite Falls reading The Andy Warhol Diaries and dreaming about moving there. I moved there the second I graduated from college, spent years there, and loved it. This is not one of those New York vs. LA opinion pieces. Okay it totally is. Admit it, you love those. As played out and lame as they are you always want to read them. And why is that? Probably because they bring to light characteristics that you for some reason want to identify with. Like you want to see yourself as the hardy, enlightened New  Yorker, or the carefree, romantic Californian. Whatever, we all know that everyone everywhere is the same and that the Real Housewives franchise has ruined everything for everyone in the whole world by making us all into the same materialistic robots that are totally okay with Crypt Keeper plastic surgery and conspicuous consumption. So deal with it and read this list of the most annoying things you could possibly do as a New Yorker visiting Los Angeles.

Here we go!

Santa-Monica-Pier-Sunset-b

1. Staying on the West Side.

We get it. You want to hang out at the beach. But seriously, no one lives on the West Side and no one wants to come and visit you there on a weekday. A friend of mine recently came to town and was all “Do you want to meet me for breakfast in Santa Monica?” That’s essentially the same as asking someone to join you for breakfast in White Plains. No thanks. Go fall down some stairs.

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2. Not renting a car.

Coming to LA and not renting a car is like going to New York and refusing to take cabs or the subway. But worse. I don’t show up to your city and ask you to carry me around everywhere. This is not Driving Miss Daisy and I am not Morgan Freeman. Choosing to be carless in LA destines you to be stuck, bored, and frustrated. And then you’ll complain about it. And then everyone will hate you. Especially me.

IN-N-OUT Caters

3. Talking too much about In-N-Out.

Why is In-N-Out the only thing about Southern California people from the East Coast know about? You don’t spend all your time in New York wondering where you can track down some paper-thin hormone fed beef-adjacent product. So why are you doing it here? Also, knowing about In-N-Out doesn’t make you seem cool. It makes you seem like you went to college with someone from Tarzana who had nothing better to do than go to In-N-Out and then talked about it too much in college, thus making you think it was a legitimate part of California culture. Canadian singer Joni Mitchell, New York Traitor Joan Didion, and Massachusetts-bred Ed Roste – those are staples of Californian culture even though we shouldn’t technically take credit for any of them. Now excuse me while I go retrieve my monocle that just fell out while I wrote that.

carolina-engman-brooklyn-bridge24. Being like “Oh my god everything here is so far away!”

Yes, everything in New York is geographically very close to everything else and that makes it seem convenient. But did you ever notice that all the cool stuff is in Brooklyn? And that all your friends live in totally inconvenient places that take forever to get to? Whenever I’m in New York it takes me 40 minutes to get anywhere. Driving 30 minutes to get to Los Feliz is the same thing. Except you don’t have to touch a dirty e. coli subway pole the whole way there while watching a mom eat hot dog, dripping mustard all over her screaming newborn subway baby.

Romeo-Juliet

5. Calling everyone in LA superficial right before asking to be taken to restaurants where you are guaranteed to see a celebrity.

Stop judging us then making us do lame stuff in the hopes that Jessica Alba will be there. We don’t care about celebrities because they are as common as rats on a subway track and we don’t want to go to the lame douchey places where they allegedly hang out because we are decent human beings with souls.

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6. Pretending like you don’t know how a map works.

Don’t be like “Hey! I’m in Rancho Cucamonga. Is that far from you?” First of all, no one knows where that is. But also, unless you’re my parents who are literally the last people on the planet clinging for dear life to their dumbphones, you probably have access to a map that can tell you that you’re super far away and that nobody loves you. “Not understanding distances because everything is so spread out here” is not an excuse.

There’s something weird about this to me. The people I know have been all over the world and yet as soon as they get to LA their ability to try and understand a new landscape disappears. When Angelenos come to New York we act like we live there. When New Yorkers come here they act they are on a strange, mysterious planet where nothing makes sense, where everything is bewildering. Pull yourself together! Being befuddled is only cute for like two minutes, then it’s just annoying and makes everyone want to murder you. It’s likely that you studied geography in fifth grade and can figure out geographical proportions. Or you can literally ask your phone or Google maps how long it takes to get from point A to point B. Thank you.

Rodeo_Drive_&_Via_Rodeo,_Beverly_Hills,_LA,_CA,_jjron_21.03.20127. Making me go to The Grove on a weekend or Beverly Hills ever.

Yes The Grove changed American commerce forever and is a fascinating study on how our middle class is obsessed with the idea of living in a 19th century European village but you can’t make me go there on a weekend. It’s literally hell and makes me want to die. Also, everyone knows that Beverly Hills is the worst place on earth and you asking to go there only reveals what a horrible disgusting person you are.

kale-salad-with-cherries-and-pecans-99958. Being all “Oh you LA people and your crazy trendy food fads.” 

Duh. Have you looked around New York? Everyone there is a FREAKSHOW about their food. I will admit that you guys have some serious issues with figuring out how to make a salad or find an appetizing avocado, but the food scenes in the two cities have homogenized over the years and now the menus everywhere kind of look the same (Sidenote: If I hear the phrase “farm to table” one more time I am going to jump into a volcano. Like where else would the food come from? “Biochemical Lab to Table”? “Farm to table” literally means “at some point or other at least part of this meal was in some sort of farm, where it was probably pumped with fertilizer and coated in pesticides.” It’s like when they put “all natural” on fruit snacks for kids when really they are made out of corn syrup and rabbit bones. Everyone needs to stop being fooled by dumb catch phrases. See also: “artisinal.”).

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9. Pretending that people in New York are as hot as people in LA. 

Yes, we all know that New Yorkers dress better than Angelenos and that LA people dress like mall trash. But you have to admit that everyone here is hot and has a perfect body and that is terrifying and oppressive and awful and makes our lives so much more difficult than yours and that we are really just victims in all of this. I get it, there are models here and there in New York. But you’re not constantly forced to be half naked next to them as they float around being perfectly perfect all the time. Like if you accidentally eat a whole pizza alone one night you probably don’t have to worry that you’re going to be trapped at a giant glamorous pool party tomorrow with people who look like the guy above (who is a friend of mine, whose body I resent completely in a Jenna Maroney “Don’t stand near me” kind of way).

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10. Being all “Oh my god everything here closes so early!”

We get it. Stuff in New York stays open late. But somehow, people here aren’t, like, freaking out every weekend that our bars don’t stay open until 4. If you have a drug problem and you need to stay up forever, dancing and dancing so you can convince yourself your life has some kind of meaning and that you are somehow more capable of experiencing true joy than other people, there are like a hundred after parties you can go to. So go to them, and leave me alone.

I hope that these tips have been helpful for you and that you are adequately terrified about your upcoming trip to The Golden State. Thank you.

Love,
Orlando

Images: Angeleno Living, Love, LA Times, Fashion Squad, Fora, Flikr, Wikipedia, Steamy Kitchen, Kyle Krieger Instagram, Wikipedia.

185 Comments

Filed under Life

185 responses to “Ten Things Not To Do As A New Yorker Visiting LA

  1. Uncle Ewee

    Ex New Yorkers who move to LA and completely forgot how public transportation works. I took the Metro from DTLA to El Segundo and my friends thought I was some sort of wizard.

    • Patrick

      That, is hilarious.

    • As a former Londoner used to hopping on and off the underground every five minutes I took the Metro from Koreatown-ish to whatever that station is a block or two from Sunset & Vine (I was showing visitors the tourist thing), and because I’d already been living in L.A. for 10 months I thought it was magic too!

      • caleb

        that whatever station you got off of is probably Hollywood and Vine…you know, that world famous intersection with those star-looking pointy things on the ground…oh yeah, the Walk of Fame…facing that one building that looks like a stack of frisbees, or are they pancakes…maybe records…oh yeah Capitol Records! You lived here for 10 months and don’t even know that much! you are like a group of dumb b!tches, yet you are only one. Is there a list for Londoners visiting LA, Orlando…?

    • helen

      Hilarious and wonderful!

  2. Rocco M. Zinone

    Wow, what a horribly arrogant list. If it was meant to be funny, it was lost on me. I have lived all over the world and no matter where I live, if someone gets within two hours of me and wants to spend some time together, I will make the trip. I value my friends that much. I have been to LA many times, having grown up in the Southwest and I can say this list does not apply to everyone in LA. Your mention of people in LA being superficial, only those who agree with this list. Thank god I’m not friends with the author of this thing. Luckily when I go to the LA area, no matter what part of of the area I’m staying in, my friends from all over the area come to see me. Had a good friend drive 75 miles just to attend a small birthday party in Sherman Oaks. I once drove from Portland Maine to Boston MA just to have lunch with an old friend. It’s what good and nice people do.

    • You’re new here, aren’t you?

    • I feel the same way I once drove a friend from Chicago to Jacksonville Florida because there car broke down the day they were moving and needed to be there by sunday to begin singing in the Orchestra . When I got them there another friend called me and said I hear your in Florida we haven’t seen each other in a while lets have lunch so I drove to Boca Raton .

      • jman

        and you have a job?

      • Carl

        That is an awesome thing for a friend to do. It would’ve been better if your friend taught you grammar during the drive to Florida. Seriously though, I don’t know many people that would drive on a whim for a friend, so that is kind of you.

      • alocksley

        Singing in the orchestra? Did their instrument break down too?

    • Caoimhe Snow

      So, you really like In-n-Out or something?

    • Uncle Raf

      Rocco, you must live a sad and colorless life not being able to understand sarcastic humor. I’m new to this blog and a New Yorker and I get it.

    • wizard

      Rocco, obviously you have seen the light. You are well traveled (as many here are, including myself), and are VERY knowledgeable and edjamacated. Bravo. Please take the free class “Learn to Laugh at Thyself” and the ever popular “You can’t Call Me Out…On Anything”. Seems that somewhere along life’s path, you turned your humor “G” spot off and became…well, a Mid-Westerner that has been fortunate enough to have friends that drive 75 miles to take in your precious presence. Lucky you. Sprinkle some of that special sauce on yourself and enjoy a dollop of life would ya?! I’ve lived all over, including NYC for quite a while (10 yrs) and lived all over the 4 burrows (I wouldn’t live on Staten if you gave me a winning lotto ticket). I now live in LA and see the humor and bizarre honesty delivered here in this column. I liked it, I think it rings fairly true for most and dare I say Rocco, when you say you were in Sherman Oaks, that my little envious friend, is not LA.

      • Sherman Oaks is L.A. as much as Beverly Hills, El Segundo, West Hollywood or Santa Monica are. None of them are in the city of Los Angeles but ALL are in Los Angeles County. #technicalities

      • Naomi

        boroughs**

        Did you really live in NYC for 10 years?

      • a.

        uh… ok so, wizard is wrong, but hidden los angeles, you’ve got some learning to do – you’re wrong too. sherman oaks is in the valley, and remember that valley secession movement? it was unsuccessful. so sherman oaks is (still) in the city of LA. just like, say, los feliz, east los angeles, rancho park, canoga park (also the valley! and also LA), etc.

        (the other four that you mention – BH, SM, WH, ES – are indeed separate cities, all of which are surrounded on all land-sides by LA. :-))

      • Peter

        There are two types of people in LA who think their section of it is the ONLY Los Angeles. Los Feliz-Echo Park hipsters and westsiders. Sherman Oaks is a Neighborhood in Los Angeles. It is not a separate City. Although Burbank is and Glendale is. North Hollywood is not. In fact most of the San Fernando Valley is still Los Angeles. When you have lived here a little longer and get brave enough to venture out of your little hipster enclave you will see that LA is composed of many different neighborhoods and cultures.

    • dawn LA

      You clearly don’t think it is funny because you have never lived in L.A.!
      Good for you that you have such wonderful friends that would travel all those miles to see you. If you were a good friend you wouldn’t ask them to do such a thing knowing they probably spent 15 hours in their car that week just commuting to/from work.
      And if you reread the post Orlando isn’t calling Los Angelenos superficial…he said New Yorkers call them superficial, but then the New Yorkers want to go to trendy places in hopes of seeing celebs (now that is “superficial”).
      I have a feeling Orlando will do just fine without your support.
      XO

      • alocksley

        Great column. But new yorker don’t have to go to LA to see celebs. There are plenty there and out in public, not behind gates. Both cities are world class, and there are similarities and differences that make visiting either interesting.

    • yeah, this went from a “Ten Things Not To Do” list to a “Ten reasons I don’t want to go to L.A.” list… I appreciate the humorous parts… but it’s kind of lost on me because I can’t see through all the douche.

    • Carrie

      Wow, what a moron…fine, Rocco. You’re “good and nice,” but you’re also a complete idiot and the type of person referred to in this piece…

    • It’s a metaphoric commentary on being a considerate guest.
      The point is that we all do these things, accept these things for/from our guests all the time and it gets old. And they always come, and they just expect it.
      Now let’s go to the Getty at 3pm on a Thursday and Disney on a Saturday, buy we gave to get there early so we don’t stand in line…..
      Dicks.

    • Erica

      No, “good and nice” people voluntarily read lists that are meant to be humorous and then get all pious and offended and snarky about it. (Oh, wait, no they don’t. You’re just an ass!)

    • You don’t plan on renting a car when you go to LA do you! Cut that out.

  3. If you weren’t born in LA, maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on LA culture as if it is yours. It is the transplants that bring in the superficial stereotype to Los Angeles and give us Angelenos a bad name. So please stop being so mean, relax and enjoy the I perfect weather, feel fine about sharing this spectacular place, and excuse me while I leave my fresh aired west side apartment and go get some in n out… Because I love it!

    • John Allen

      Thank you. I have been saying for years that we Southern Californians are being judged by the rest of the country. The crazies that come here from the rest of the country, trying to fit into a “scene”. You create a bad name for my beloved home. Southern Californians some of the nicest and most respectful people you will ever meet. You won’t find us in Hollywood or the After parties. We grew out of those when we were 22.

      • Just as the majority of “New Yorkers” aren’t actual New Yorkers. I think that’s actually one of the biggest things our cities have in common, transplants speaking for the City as if they’re the freakin’ spokesperson.

      • Sharah

        Every city/region in this country is judged by the rest of it – we’re no different! I think the issue is the judging itself. How about we all just love the variety?

    • Lawrence

      News flash, 90% of people Angelenos weren’t born in LA.

    • Native Angeleno secret handshake! ;)

  4. It must be take-everything-too-seriously-tuesday because I thought this was amusing.

    • Sharah

      Exactly agreed. It’s clearly intended to be light-hearted, though perhaps with a dash of truth in there.

    • pattyb

      lolololololol. finally, we’re back to the humor. unbelievable how seriously people take their vanity.

      • Reading some of the comments/arguments on here was actually quite entertaining. It sounds like the writer of this blog was trying to provide a little humour and a good chuckle, but ended up hitting a nerve with some. That will happen. It’s just human nature to get defensive when we feel threatened. It’s good, though, to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes and like shawndb said, not take things so seriously – plus if we do, we’ll probably live longer too.

        I found this quite funny though and appreciated the bit of comic relief on a Friday afternoon.

  5. Knute

    Lighten up, Francis. It was just a tongue-in-cheek article.

  6. MA

    Dude, it’s just a funny statement about the crap people do and say over and over when they visit LA from NY. It’s a comedic blog post. It’s not a statement about how you live your life or who will come to your funeral when you die.

  7. Anna

    This was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Lighten up, everybody. This is just Orlando’s sense of humor.

  8. Vikkitikkitavi

    This was very funny and spot on! Hopefully all my East Coast friends will see it and stop asking me to have brunch with them in Santa Monica at a restaurant that’s a block from their hotel and a 50 minute hell ride for me.

    • Janelle Sadler

      Hell ride, trying to find parking, dodging the tiny dog poo everywhere that Santa Monicans can never seem to pick up.

  9. NativeCalifornian

    I have never read your blog before and have no idea who you are, but I LOVE YOU. This post is just all kinds of genius!!

  10. You keep preaching it Orlando. I’m picking up what you are putting down.

  11. Seth

    This was delightful!

    Rocco M. Zinone = Russian Troll

  12. super funny, totally spot on and clearly you got a lot of people all riled up, so right on! brilliant, i laughed out loud and am sharing

  13. Dwayne

    After reading this I had to get a double-double animal style. I drove all the way to Sherman Oaks, from Studio City. OMG, what an ordeal.

  14. Daniel

    Maybe I completely disagree with this article since I live on the West Side – I’m apparently the only person.

  15. Great list – funny

    #1 is symmetrical depending on who you are visiting. I have lived in LA since ’98 and I’m not sure if I’ve been to Los Feliz yet. And just forget about the South Bay altogether nobody ever goes there for any reason.

    We also need one more list that only has one item. Thing People who Happened to be Born in LA Should Stop Doing. 1) Constantly telling everyone they were actually born here and how great it was before all the transplants got here.

  16. Under one of my favorite things I have read today. Great article Orlando!

  17. LOL!!! Dude, I am alternating between laughing at your blog comments because they are true and funny, and wanting to say “FAH Q West Coaster”. Go to NYC and say all that to anyones face. In person. Please. I’d be happy to hold my phone camera and make an awesome YouTube video out of it. Thanks for the laugh. Seriously, it was awesomely funny. I’ll be sure to use it as a guide next time I’m out west – wouldn’t wanna piss anyone off, or go fall down any stairs.

  18. Ash B

    Hilarious! Although I have been guilty of being all “Oh my god everything here is so far away!” LA is a really, really big and sprawling city it does make it hard to get a sense of how far apart things are on a map… but yes, a minute with Google Maps and you quickly realise Downtown to WeHo is more that walking distance. Unless you really love walking!

  19. Ha…love this! Especially about the Farm to Table comment. Like, what farm is within 2 hours from LA or NY???

  20. Yes this is awesome. Y’all can whine about the content if you’re humorless but the writing is superb. As is Knute who is my new best friend I don’t actually know for invoking such an appropriate Stripes reference.

  21. Dave

    You had me at #1.

  22. sassafrass501@yahoo.com

    Wow, this is the WORST…

  23. Cindy

    Laughed and laughed and laughed. Good writing!

  24. Eddie

    Odd. As a transplanted New Yorker I’ve been here long enough to say the celebrity angle doesn’t make any sense:/ real New Yorkers see celebrities quite often in the course of their daily lives (we have quite a film,TV, and broadway industry here) further we’re much too busy to fawn over them! They’re living their lives and so are we.

    • C

      I agree with you as a born n raised NYer (now happily transplanted in Hawai’i for nearly a decade). When I visited LA 20 yrs ago, I could care less about celebs and still feel the same way. I did try to walk to places when visiting and the family I was visiting thought that was funny. I was 17 at the time. I couldn’t imagine air pollution so bad it blocked mountains. And the only nights I slept well was when my aunt left a window open (must have needed road noise to fall asleep at the time). I must say when my valley bred cousins came to visit me in W Queens they were eager to eat White Castle burgers and didn’t know how to cross a busy avenue lol :)

  25. lc

    You have just highlighted everything that sucks ass about LA.

    –A New Yorker

  26. Really funny! Thanks!

  27. Ladycake

    Sounds a lot like what people from San Francisco say about LA.

  28. “can track down some paper-thin hormone fed beef-adjacent product” – In n Out prides itself on organic farmed local beef (from their own farms). It might be thin, but you cab get as many patties as you like =)
    Everything at the place is made fresh.

    Other than that, i like you list.

  29. TP

    Lost my little marbles at “subway baby”, lol

  30. Michael

    I am young, fun, and love living on the Westside. The weather is great, the beach is two miles from my apartment, and I don’t live in the middle of smog-scented traffic all day long. And I actually know my neighbors.

    • Man, no one is attacking your precious West Side. People who visit me do this all of the time (stay by the beach when I’m deep in WeHo and want to get lunch on a Thursday). It’s a shame you’ve decide to hate the article after only reading the first point.

  31. No

    So off base starting with number one. Anybody who doesn’t like the west side is an idiot. As is anybody who falls for a bullshit click-bate list like this – dammit!

  32. Never lived within NYC (though I lived in central Jersey for nearly a decade and worked for some time there), but just moved to Los Angeles from Virginia and metro D.C. I really like LA and have tried to immerse myself in what makes the city special rather than the superficial. Obviously, becoming a resident is far different than visiting as a tourist, but either way you have to learn about the place and take it on its terms. Oh, and while Los Angeles hardly has the transit system of New York/New Jersey, it has made tremendous strides in recent years. Bus, light rail/subway and commuter rail (Metrolink) are easy to use if you take the time to study where and when you want to go.

  33. Jayromio Jenkins

    This article is racist

  34. LANativee

    This was definitely spot on! Love your sense of humor.

  35. sean

    My favorite part about this, besides laughing at my own past when dealing with all of these situations, was reading all the comments that sound like LA locals puckering their asshole’s like “MEWwww! That’s not what we’re like!” Calm down, everybody. You’re safe. Nobody thinks this is you. We all still think you have no sense of humor.

  36. New Yawker

    Nobody from New York City give 2 craps about LA or what they like or don’t like !!!! Yeah don’t worry no real New Yorker has any interest in going to LA . San Fransico is much ,Much better .

  37. this was offensive in its stupidity. good job.

  38. Great post! It made me laugh!

  39. Pingback: Ten things NOT to do in Atlanta and Ten things TO do | Lanie in the City

  40. Patrick Masson

    I was born and raised in Venice, CA and the only thing worse than someone who comes here and complains, is someone who comes here and speaks as though they’re an authority. Go back to the place where you grew up (which you are STILL too embarrassed to name), and write a column about living THERE. Thanks, The Management.

  41. Danella Isaacs

    I though people from LA were supposed to be mellow.

    • A Guy from LA

      For the most part, we actually are. Letting this person speak on behalf of LA is like getting Donald Trump to speak on behalf of billionaires — it’s dubious whether or not he’s actually qualified to do so and, in either case, it’s easily dismissed.

  42. Alex

    Where’s the opposing side? I had a friend move here (NYC) from LA and couldn’t hang. He left after 3 months. This list is hilarious, but I don’t agree that most Angelinos come here and act like they live here.

  43. Wow, some of you need to lighten up. This is exaggerated humor. I live, and was born in LA. And this has a bit of truth in it, but that’s all. Of course we will travel for friends, of course we all know where Rancho is, but hate to go there, and of course people live in the West Side. Half my friends do and my commute to Santa Monica takes about 20 minutes. No biggie. I agree most with the Beverly Hills thing. Visitors seem to always have B.Hills and Pink’s Hot Dogs on their lists. WTF. B.Hills is indeed the most horrible place on earth. Can’t agree more. That being said, I think the In N Out thing is reversed. Locals love to brag how much better our burgers are than in NY. So what? NY has the pizza, we have the burgers. Why make it a thing? Eat our burgers and we’ll eat your pizza. Deal? As for the rest of the points, they’re kind of crap. Stretching to fill pages.

  44. This left me wanting to read an actual list of Ten Things Not To Do As A New Yorker Visting LA.

  45. Good Trololo

    So wait, is it still edgy to talk shit about in-n-out?

  46. Hilarious. Will definitely share this.

  47. Hilary

    Spot on, dude. I’m a born and bred UWS NY-er who’s spent the last 16 yeas in Cali, 10 of which were on the the West side of LA. And yeah, none of my East side friends would visit me. I am actually finding it pretty funny that people are taking offense to this post!

  48. LAborn

    SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

  49. I enjoyed this. I lived in Manhattan for 13 years and loved it. Then moved to Los Angeles. First thing I noticed was that everything New Yorkers said about LA was false. It didn’t take long for me to see for myself that New York is surprisingly conservative compared to L.A. And that people in LA are incredibly smart and very hardworking. And that people in LA are much nicer on the phone. And yes, I wonder if I really want to travel from West Hollywood to have breakfast in Santa Monica with a retired tourist from Toronto. I’m busy.

  50. K. Stanley

    What a brilliantly written and wonderfully entertaining post. Thumbs up Orlando!

  51. Bob Ley

    I’m from Tarzana and I have better things to talk about than In-N-Out

  52. Colleen

    You forgot about “flying into Long Beach” only to have your friend who lives in LA pick your ass up.

  53. This was funny and true true

  54. I live in San Diego and all of our palm trees lean to the north because….

    LA Sucks.

  55. Mandy

    Soooooo funny I laughed and laughed, thank you!

  56. Friggin’ Hilarious! I’m not even insulted by the Farm to Table bit even though that’s the name of my web site! lol Thanks for the chuckles!

  57. I have lived in both LA and Manhattan. I think this piece has its moments. However, I have since moved back to Portland (where I grew up) and one in THREE people under 35 is from somewhere else. It has become “Portlandia,” for real, and those of us who grew up here are very, very confused.

  58. IJelly

    The author seems like a total douche.

  59. Oh my god, this really just made my day. So funny!

  60. RafaHenk

    Dear Orlando, Your article was lame, insulting and presumptuous. You claim to know everything you know about L.A. but you are just as uninformed as the people you were addressing. Are you even a native New Yorker? Do you even know any native Angelenos when you’re here? I doubt that.

  61. CSULBstrong

    I would have loved to see something about the Yankee/Mets fans looking for LA Angels that fly into LAX and not John Wayne Airport. Wrong city, area, and county.

  62. This is the best “New York is better than Los Angeles” essay ever written.

  63. Santa Monica is hardly White Plains, brother.

  64. Whatever, that’s the best you can come up with? There is no contest when comparing LA to NY. NY will always win on all fronts and you could keep your In & Out Burger.

  65. diane

    As usual… Brilliant!

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  67. Noah

    11. Writing this article. You are so off base I can’t get more than halfway through this.

  68. megan

    This is the very best LA tips list and quite accurate. And for the people saying visit your friends, the intention is there, but so is the challenge when you work a 12 hour day and the drive to them is an over an hour.

  69. A Guy from LA

    telling someone how/what to do in our city is like the most un-LA thing you could do… you clearly weren’t born here

  70. Pathetic list. Why LA sucks

  71. Thank you for recapturing you passion! Bc the Homies really need to hear this especially#1 &#2

  72. DeezNutz

    How did I end up on this high school blog?!

  73. Lisa Bleile

    You are Awesome!!!!!

  74. Jonnie B

    I live on the Westside. Number one is ludicrious. Couldn’t go further. Orlando needs to be informed before he blogs…

    • I actually agree, I made a comment that pretty much everyone I know that doesn’t live in the Valley lives on the West Side. I also don’t call it “The West Side” I just name cities. Am I missing something?

  75. People need to get a sense of humor. MY GAWD!!! Get a life and live a little. I loved this blog. I agree about driving to see people. I lived 45 minutes away from one of my best friend but 45 minutes as the crow flies is 3 hours in traffic in CA Reality. I agree get a rental car are you crazy. Public transportation in CA is nothing like NY, NOTHING!

  76. Dave Hildreth

    Well… I have to say that as a New Yorker who has lived both places, you should work at it a little more. This wasn’t much more than a bash on New Yorkers. Get over yourself and try writing something substantive.

  77. Carl

    The intro was pretty boring and a typical LA vs. NY blog. I was hoping for something different or funny. It wasn’t until I read the sixth point that I became interested. I did not read ALL of the points, I skimmed the article. I will say that I’ve never seen so many people that did not know how to use a map in my life! Not just New Yorkers though, Angelinos too! When I moved here, I didn’t know where anything was (I’ve also lived across the U.S), but I figured it out. I also love that people from New York hate our transit system (understandable, because it’s somewhat awful), yet don’t know how to take a bus from Hollywood to Santa Monica…Many Angelinos don’t know how to use it either!! In my one visit to New York, I think I managed to try my best to navigate my way there, and yes I did get lost once. People in New York helped me and I’ve done the same for our visitors. Perhaps we have more similarities than differences, with the exception of number eight, unless you’re a gay New Yorker then they get it.

  78. I laughed and laughed. People stop taking everything so serious. This is his opinion, you might not agree, you are free to go write your own version of whatever the hell makes you happy. Until today, I have never read your blog before and have no idea who you are, but I LOVE YOU. This post is just all kinds of genius!! ( and comments just WOW! Hilarious)

  79. Hilarious! Loved reading this! #3 and #4 are my absolute favorite. EVERYONE I know from the East coast wants to go to In and Out and wax nostalgic of all their past In and Out visits. And, yes, everything is pretty far. They’re just different cities, different places, built completely differently. Respect that it’s a different place. Your comment about how everyone from NYC thinks LA is some “strange, mysterious planet” is spot on. Coming from the SF Bay area I get that from visitors here as well. Makes me crazy!

  80. Meg

    Orlando, you are the best. I love your blog so much for many reasons, but mostly because it makes me laugh and reminds me not to take life so seriously, whether you are talking about design, life in general, or even those zany New Yorkers in crazy LA. And honestly, the commentary on this post is almost as good as the post, so thank you for generating that as well. ;-)

  81. Wow. Tough crowd. As a long-time Angeleno and lover of things amusing, I’m delightfully impressed. I shall forward to my peeps…none of whom will respond with an editorial analysis. I found you through Cupcakes & Cashmere, and I’m grateful to Emily :)

  82. this made me laugh so much, but seriously… the comments.

  83. Orlando, this is hilarious! I love your sense of humor!

  84. Who are these New Yorkers you speak of who want to see celebrities? Rubes, all of them!

    And just as an aside: I was recently in LA (New Yorker, here!) and the only friends I made plans with all lived on the West Side. Is this perhaps new and trendy?

  85. stephanie

    this is the funniest thing i have read about LA! :)
    I live in LA and can tell you how totally accurate this list is (which is totally depressing for humanity, but hilarious to observe)
    I just want to add one thing – if you do rent a car in LA, please know how to drive/basic traffic rules and DO NOT stop you car in the middle of the road to look at something. Everyone will thank you for eternity

  86. So native “Angelenos” do not call themselves “Angelenos” just to make that clear. So anyone saying that please stop it hurts my eyes. Also Sherman Oaks is NOT LA, even though it IS still in LA county. It is the valley. Just like Agoura Hills is not LA it IS in LA county. I am a native and I don’t mind traveling to meet friends, but if you’re a working stiff that lives in Thousand Oaks and works in LA I could completely understand you not wanting to drive an extra 45 mins somewhere after driving a MINIMUM of an hour and a half each way. True New Yorkers travel a lot, however, they are not behind the wheel of vehicle having to deal with gridlock traffic and crazy aggressive drivers for 2 hours at 6 in the morning. I’ve fallen asleep on the 405 many times.

    • I attended a social event in Sherman Oaks the other night (I live on the eastern fringe of Koreatown), and took the subway and bus to get there (haven’t driven since 2010 — peripheral vision problems). Wasn’t that difficult, but it’s not something I’d do regularly.

  87. oh yeah only one thing, pretty much everyone I know that isn’t living in the valley lives on the West Side, am I missing something?

  88. Ariel

    This article is amazing.So on point.

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  90. sarah

    Is it just me or is In-N-Out actually a bit shit?

  91. Janeen

    This was hilarious, but as a Beverly Hills resident I was appalled by these type of comments and have some suggestions, that if you HAVE to go to Beverly Hills will make it much more enjoyable!
    Beverly Hills was a new development, built from an immigrant population as well as early “Hollywood”, as in the beginnings of the motion picture industry. If you only go to Rodeo Drive, of course, you are getting cliched Beverly Hills. But there is SO much more to the city!

    TOP RECOMMENDATIONS FOR VISITING BEVERLY HILLS
    1) Greystone Mansion
    http://www.beverlyhills.org/exploring/greystoneparkmansion/?NFR=1

    2) Virginia Robinson Gardens
    http://www.robinsongardens.org/

    3) Civic Center and Library
    Check out the blend of new and old, with the 1932 City Hall (spectacular) along with Charles Moore’s 1989 modern play on art deco. Check out the beautiful tile work by Tina Bebe and Buzz Yudell.

    4) Sunday Farmer’s Market — on Civic Center Drive

    5) Pause on the 300 Block of Rodeo Drive to see the Frank Lloyd Wright designed “Anderton Court”, marked by the identifiable spiral ramp and triangular tower.

    Jog on the pedestrian trail down 11 blocks of Beverly Gardens Park. Shaded by ample trees, it’s also a great trail for a leisurely stroll.

    Take a break in the shade under one of our many trees on public land. Beverly Hills is actually an Arbor Day designated “Tree City USA” for our commitment to public greenery!

    6) Food – The Honor Bar – South Beverly; good, decently priced for BH sandwiches, cocktails.
    Harajuku Crepe — great snack as you are walking around (on Little Santa Monica)
    St. Urbain Bagels on Beverly Drive — the BEST bagels around. SERIOUSLY.
    Il Trammezino – hot spot for BH high schoolers, great panninis, open late
    Fountain Coffee Shop at BH Hotel

    • Cygnet

      Thanks! It’s been bothering me that I’ve never truly done the LA touristy thing ever since I moved to So-Cal thirteen years ago. Yours seems like a decent enough list.

      As for the blog I heartily agree that people on the West Coast by and large do dress like mall trash. I can no longer even figure out where to buy clothing offline…

  92. So, I am from NYC and NEVER do I say Oh my god___________fill in the blank. New Yorker’s don’t fucking talk like that. You have us confused with a Valley Girl!

  93. Pete, a New Yorker.

    Regarding #1: the only people that live on the “east side” are the former Ohians that are now former Williamsburgers. The rest of the list is cutely inaccurate, except for #7.

    -former Manhattanite, current Venetian.

  94. jordzuck

    Great list!
    #11 – Pretending it’s acceptable to find garbage disposals enigmatic horrific.
    We get it, they’re illegal in NYC. Take three minutes and some common sense and learn how to use one in California. It’s not going to spit shit back up in your face, it’s not going to suck shit down unless you push it in, and it’s not going to grab the grime for the other side of the double sink and pull it onto its own side, so take a split second of consciousness and scrape on the disposal side. It’s the dish washing/kitchen maintenance of the future. You can handle it.

  95. L.A. Born and raised

    This article only proved how superficial and douchey those that live in L.A. Can act,

    I was born and raised in L.A. And this article just oozes “I’m not really from here, but I am a hipster douche who will pretend I am!”.

    Welcome to California, now get the fuck out.

  96. Cherry Noble

    It is a very arrogant and uninteresting list indeed. I did not finish reading this.

  97. Neil

    Mmk – I’ve never seen an uglier bunch of people than in Los Angeles and Southern California – perfect my ass!! People are really ROUGH out here in the face (especially up close). They make up for it by overly working out.

    The people of NY are much much hotter per capita – it’s plainly obvious.

    • Cygnet

      Agree!! omg… never have I seen the like outside of the sticks and it frightens me because I always used to think all of urban CA would be so cosmopolitan. Yikes. “rough in the face” haha, an accurate description–if scary.

  98. Anthone

    As true as this may be…. The person who wrote this sounds so arrogant and self consumed….. And clearly, they’ve never took English comp a day in their life

  99. John M

    Was this written by John Rocker?

  100. Poopnugget

    As someone who has lived in Los Angeles and New York, this is the worst article I have ever read

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  102. Shawn

    I’m a life long New Yorker about to visit LA for the first time, and I will keep the OP’s list in mind. However all those you bashing him, he does have a point about people from NYC. Now I lived in and out of the city and i use a car mostly everyday. Most people who live in the city that don’t drive and just rely on walking, cabs, subway, or buses do act like everything is so far away and get amazed like the stupidest little things most people in everyday america have like Large fountain drinks or smoking indoors. They are in some way’s pampered and in some ways repressed. Now that celebrity thing can be an out of town tourist from anywhere. NYC does have celebrities, not as many as LA, but I see them every so often. People shouldn’t go Apes*** about them if they see them at the store or just eating lunch, they are people and deserve their privacy too.

  103. Just had a friend visit from NYC this past weekend. We made a ‘mandatory’ In & Out trip before heading to the airport for her departing flight.

  104. Ryan

    I’ve lived in LA for 12 years, from the midwest…..And I can say with confidence that whoever wrote this has no clue what they are talking about.

  105. Doingjustfine

    I am so happy to read number 10! I’ve felt this way for the past few years – having outgrown my initial party years – when everyone just keeps telling me there must be something wrong with me because I don’t want to spend my weekends in bars and clubs!

  106. I don’t know about #1. The Fairmont Santa Monica is pretty sweet, and according to this list you would already have a rental car so you’re good to go anywhere.

  107. Katie Bowen

    #11, Saying the word “Like” ten times in everyone of the sentences you write in an article. Listen, I’m a New Yorker and I love L.A.. Please don’t tell me how to be or what not to do when I’m visiting. #dumbass

  108. Pasadena, Top of the Food Chain

    Why do these sh!t heels keep claiming that Sherman Oaks isn’t a part of the city of Los Angeles? Three people have done this already.

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  112. JRo

    Was this written before Uber and Google Maps existed?

  113. Carol

    Freaking hilarious! I have lived in both places!

  114. Nir

    Great article! Another thing not to do: ask where the high rise apartments are. We in Los Angeles do house sharing, and a great place to search for those shares is on subleasehub.com.

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