Category Archives: Amazing Gays

by | 15 October 2012 · 7:50 pm

10 Rules For Sexy Gay Homosexual Halloween Costumes

My Siblings & Me On Halloween, 1986 (I’m The Grey Mouse)

Oh Halloween,

Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted  houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.

Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.

Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.

Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:

If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?

Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.

Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:

And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.

(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.

For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:

Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.

Like a police man.

What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!

Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):

And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:

Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.

Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.

But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?

A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.

Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:

And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:

Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.

Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:

Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.

Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!

No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.

However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.

Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.

Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:

And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.

Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.

This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:

Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.

Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:

Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).

For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:

But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).

Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).

Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.

Happy Halloween!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Amazing Gays, Bodytimez, Gays, Halloween, oRANTdo

by | 28 September 2012 · 6:28 pm

Oh My God Where Did You Get That ADORABLE Nazi Tee?

Dear Reader,

The other day I was at the gym when I spotted a dude wearing this T-Shirt from American Apparel.

It’s a pretty rad shirt. I love pink. I love triangles. And I love graphic tees. But the shirt is also a political statement. Now, not only can you buy ugly/ironic non-functioning spectacles and short shorts at American Apparel (thank god), you can also buy fashionably political t-shirts. Is this cool? Or perplexing? Or both? Also, I want one. Is that okay?

And now for a mini Gay history lesson, as told by someone whose knowledge of Gay history is almost as thin as Nicole Ritchie in that famous running-on-the-beach-in-a-diaper photograph.

The pink triangle was originally used by Nazis to label the Gays in concentration camps. It was appropriated by Gays in the 1970s and made popular by the Act Up movement. For those of you who don’t know Act Up, it was started by Homo Activist Larry Kramer in the 80s in response to the fact that Ronald Reagan was doing nothing about a health crisis that was killing the entire Gay community. In short, Act Up was an advocacy group that protested the government’s lack of action in AIDS research and the provision of experimental AIDS treatments for people with AIDS. They were fighting to save lives, and were thus awesome.  They protested and protested. The protests looked like this:

The Act Up protests often attracted counter protesters like these:

…Um, yes I do. Have you seen me?

Artists, like Keith Haring (above) played a huge role in Act Up, creating visuals to spread their message. Sidenote: I love Keith Haring. Love. Love. Love.

The signature of Act Up is the triangle. Which is right side up, unlike the upside down triangle used to label the Gays in Nazi concentration camps. Inverting the Nazi triangle was a way of negating it, flipping it on its head to use it as a symbol of Gay empowerment. A lot of interesting art was made utilizing that pink triangle:

Which brings me back to this American Apparel t-shirt:

Why is the triangle upside down, Nazi-style? Obviously there is some sort of appropriation/subversion thing going on considering American Apparel owner Dov Charney is Jewish, as is this model (who I know in real life because all Gay people living in Los Angeles know each other. It’s true). But I’m still a little confused…

I don’t disapprove of this shirt because American Apparel has made it clear that they are pro-Gay and pro-Jew. But it does seem kind of crazy to sell a shirt with a Nazi symbol on it without explanation. In all honesty, they probably put the triangle upside down because it’s more flattering than a regular triangle, accentuating your broad shoulders and that tiny little waist! And wouldn’t you prefer the Nazi triangle to the Act Up triangle if the Nazi one makes you look better? Don’t answer that.

Love,
Orlando

12 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Beauty, California, Californiatimez, Fashonz, Gays

by | 29 August 2012 · 5:55 pm

Why I Like People Who Hate Me For Liking To Write About Hating My Gay Body

Dear Diary,

Last week I wrote a blog post entitled Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies. Some people loved it, many people hated it, and what I learned was that everyone else is as sensitive about their bodies as I am. My reasoning for posting was threefold. I wanted to expose the conflicted feelings I have about my own body so that other people struggling with the same issues would feel less alone in their worries. I wanted to point out that there are specific factors to being a gay man that lead to us having a heightened self-consciousness about our bodies. And finally I wanted to poke fun at how stupid this whole thing is by satirizing it. Clearly, I have genuine issues with my own body and my own hatred of it. But I also have issues with my issues, realizing how lame it is to spend time thinking about something so superficial.

There were plenty of responses to my post, most of them biting and witty. The award for best title goes to:

Terrible Gay Man Figured Out That Terrible Gay Men Make Gay Men Feel Terrible

The post itself is deliciously biting at times but mostly a lazily written series of quotations out of context followed by a rallying cry for hating me. Which was productive in that the “me” he was railing against stood for body-conscious gays who judge other people based on their bodies. That’s not really me, but I can imagine how the author came to that conclusion. I don’t resent the article and I appreciate its sentiment. But I do think it could have been more fleshed out because the writer is clearly a clever and analytical person.

The Gawker article written by Louis Peitzman was more thoughtfully written and much more nuanced. Peitzman felt I was contributing to gay body panic, which is probably true considering I was talking about my own gay body panic. He also wrote that I told gay men to hate their bodies. This is completely up to interpretation, and I can see how someone would think that. Sometimes, when we talk about things we hate in ourselves, it makes those around us worry about that very same thing. Sometimes the opposite happens and they realize they are not alone in their worry. This is why the responses to my post were so polarized. Some people felt validated and comforted that I shared their body worries, some people felt that as I was judging myself, I was also judging them. Both are valid feelings that are more about the reader than my original text.

Over at Huffington Post, Derek Hartley wrote the type of post I’d expect a friend (or someone who loyally reads my blog) to have. Basically he understood that it was satire, that I am not a gay body hegemon, and that I was writing to satirize a flaw that I see within myself and my community. After reading articles and comments from so many people who read my  post out of context, it was nice to read something by someone who knew my “voice” enough to know I was on his side. I do not want people to feel badly about their bodies. I want the opposite.

By far, the most thoughtful conversations came from the comments field. To be sure, there are a lot of internet trolls out there who got some sweet satisfaction calling me vapid, fat, and ugly, but there were also a lot of people who contributed great things to the conversation about body image. If you haven’t sifted through the comments field, I’d take a browse because there is a lot of helpful insight amongst the angry two-dimensional responses.

Now, I’d like to clear a few things up. A lot of people were wondering if I the post was meant to be serious of if it was a joke. I can see why this was confusing because it was both. Yes, I’m serious about hating my body, and yes I’m smart enough to know what a stupid waste of time that is. When things bother me, I tend to joke about them. It’s always been the way I deal with stuff. I’m self-deprecating about my looks, about how co-dependent I am, and about how sometimes I think about superficial stuff. My hope was that the image of Ursula the Sea Witch and my sarcastic tone would clue people in to the fact that the article was meant as a satire. Of myself. Instead of feeling in on the joke, many continued to satirize me, which was probably the most productive thing that could have happened, proving my point even more that while gay body image is a relevant topic of discussion, it’s also kind of a stupid one.

Another issue most responses (especially the Gawker response) brought to light was that of privilege. My joke about gay men all being wealthy was mainly one making fun of that perception. I think generalizations are inherently funny. It’s like generalizing that all white people love corn dogs. It’s not true but saying it is so ridiculous that it makes me laugh (Sidenote: all white people do love corn dogs. And apple picking. And rural county fairs). The real issue of privilege here comes in all of our privilege to even worry about something like body image. If I had been raised in an area where there was a scarcity of food and I had to worry about where my next meal was coming from, would I have been anorexic in high school? Probably not. The fact that we are even having this conversation is an act of privilege. Which doesn’t mean body image issues are not a worthy conversation. We (most of us reading this) live within our own context as people residing in the first world, and our “problems” exist fully within the context of our [relatively privileged in the scheme of the world] context.

Ultimately, what everyone wants to hear is that we should all just love our bodies. Which is the truth and something we all know. However, if it were really that easy we’d all love our bodies, love ourselves, and be perfectly happy all the time. The fact is that we don’t always love our bodies. We don’t always love ourselves. And unless we talk about why, we’ll never get past all the stupid hang-ups that impede our happiness.

So until we are advanced enough to stop critiquing our bodies and hating them, I will continue to make fun of how much I loath mine. Don’t take it personally.

Love,
Orlando

More Links:

Chris Ryan

Out Magazine

Playing With Politics

25 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Bodytimez, Gays

by | 20 August 2012 · 7:54 pm

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

Dear Straight People,

Every morning when I wake up, this is what I think I look like:

Meanwhile, laying right next to me is my boyfriend. He looks like this:

I know what you’re thinking. I’m lucky, right? I know.

Not only does my model boyfriend look like a model, my friends look like this:

I never sought out to have friends with such perfect bodies. Quite the contrary actually. As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny. Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.

For full disclosure, this is approximately what my body looks like right now:

I’m not showing you this because I want you to tell me how gross/amazing I look (please don’t). I’m showing you this because intellectually I know I actually have a pretty normal body. Put me in an airport in Iowa and I’m pretty much the skinniest person there. But I am fat by West Hollywood standards. Gays in major cities live in a warped bubble where we are freaks if we don’t somehow magically look like underwear models.

I, like many Gays, have a terrible relationship with my body. You know why? Because I’m a Gay. Why do Gays hate their bodies? Allow me to explain in list form.

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

By Orlando Dumond Soria

1. Because we are surrounded by images of perfect bodies.

Because men are inherently superficial and inferior to women, we rely on visual cues for arousal. Marketers know this and they use hunky pictures of gay men to get us to do stuff. Like go to clubs, buy underwear, and drink more alcohol. This teaches us that we are only having fun if we look like models. Which is probably true.

2. Because we compare ourselves with our partners.

Same sex couples compare themselves with one another. It’s a one-to-one comparison. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with his girlfriend’s body is like comparing apples and oranges. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with a boyfriend’s body is like comparing apples and apples. And nobody wants to be the apple that’s a weird ugly shape and lacks the ability to get a proper tan.

3. Because if you’re a gay guy with a boyfriend, this is what he sees every day in the locker room:

I’m not kidding. You should see my gym’s locker room. Everyone is a model. Straight girls: imagine if your boyfriend went into a room full of hot, naked girls every day after he worked out. Would that not, like totally freak you out? Gay guys are pretty good at not ogling each other in the locker room (this conditioning comes from trying not to look gay in high school locker rooms). However, there are naked dudes all over the locker room. Naked dudes with perfect bodies. Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them. Which is terrifying because they’re perfect. I’m getting scared just thinking about it.

4. Because these are our most cherished community leaders:

(He’s a bartender).

5. Because gay people are more successful than other people, which makes them more competitive, with each other, which makes them more competitive about what their bodies look like.

Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. I don’t really know why, it’s just a fact of life. But with this great privilege comes a great burden. Not only do we have to make tons of money to pay for all these stupid clothes and vacations, we also have to work out for hours on only 80 calories a day to prevent ourselves from being socially ostracized.

6. Because we are always running around with our shirts off.

I have no idea when it happened, but at some point shirts stopped being an option at Gay parties. When so much of socializing is done sans shirt, it heightens the pressure to be totally skinny.

Sidenote: I saw this image about six years ago and I have never been the same since. It speaks to me on so many levels. Oh, that I were that towel, being waved in the wind by those caramel hunks. Dreamz.

7. Because of fear.

Brian Moylan over at Gawker cites fear as the number one reason gay men have such hot bodies. Fear of being alone. Fear of being rejected. Etcetera. While I agree with this wholeheartedly, I think fear can be used as an explanation for pretty much every single thing in the whole world. The only reason I do anything at all is fear. Fear of being homeless. Fear of being a failure. Fear of alienating everyone in my life by going too far with my love of 80s fashion. If I wasn’t completely petrified of everything, I’d never get out of bed in the morning.

8. Because all our friends look like Ken Dolls.

There was a New York Times article a few years ago about how people with skinny friends tend to be skinny. This article affected my former roommate so tremendously that she watched me intently every time I ate something, fearful that I might eat too much and get fat, therefore causing her to gain weight. I believe there is truth to this theory. If you’re constantly surrounded by people who workout and eat lightly, you’re going to end up just as skinny as they are. It’s like a positive version of peer pressure where everyone ends up looking like Malibu Ken.

9. Because our most cherished teachers look like this:

(He’s a personal trainer).

10. Because we have nothing better to do.

Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.

That concludes my list of reasons Gays hate their bodies. I hope my overwhelmingly bitter and insecure tone didn’t make me seem bitter and insecure. I’m actually not that annoyed that I hate my body (the hatred keeps me energetic and vibrant). However, I do think we need to take all of this body mania with a grain of salt. I appreciate that Gays are so body-oriented because it forces us all to be really physically fit, which leads to a happier life with more wardrobe options. Ultimately our body dysmorphia is a good thing which will force our community and outlive our straight peers and take over the world.

Love,
Orlando

462 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Gays, oRANTdo

by | 10 July 2012 · 4:53 pm

Turning 30 in the Woods!

Dear Diary,

I had a little bit of a hard time turning 30 this year. The thought terrified me, chilling me to my bones. But it’s not what you think. You’re probably thinking I was scared of getting old. That’s not the case at all. I love old people way more than I love young people. What I was really afraid of is the fact that my life had not yet lived up to what I thought it was supposed to as a twentysomething in Los Angeles. To understand why I don’t feel that I’ve lived up to my full potential as an Angeleno, one must first understand where I gained my understanding of what it means to be an adult. Here’s a hint:

That’s right people. Melrose Place. I used to watch this show with my sister when I was ten. This was where I gained my understanding of adulthood. I always thought by the time I was 30 I’d be just like Amanda Woodward (Heather Locklear’s character). I’d be a high-powered advertising executive who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. I’d drive around in a red convertible, saying witty, mean things to people in the car next to me. I’d push people down the stairs if they got in my way. I’d get in dramatic fights that always ended with someone being pushed into a glamourous pool. Strangely, I didn’t turn out to be Amanda Woodward. And how disappointing is that? I’m just, like, a normal human being that lives in an apartment and talks too frequently about my feelings.

Additionally, planning a 30th birthday party in Los Angeles is about as complicated as planning a wedding in Texas (if you know any Texans you know how much they like weddings there). The expectations are extremely high. There really are only a few options, the most obvious being a crazy gay pool party at some rich dude’s house. Like this:

As tempting as crazy gay pool parties are to me, I wanted to do something a little more intimate. With that in mind, I planned a trip to my homeland, Yosemite National Park. Guests included old friends from my East Coast college life and friends from my newish life in Los Angeles. I could not have asked for better company. The drive from Los Angeles to Yosemite is about six hours, but I normally do it in five and a half (we locals know some tricks about how to speed up the trip).

The drive to Yosemite, up Interstate 5, is one of the loveliest drives on earth, with rolling hills drenched in that just-right hue of California gold.

Just outside Fresno on the way to the park is this patriotic barn, which is one of the most genius creations in history. I can just imagine the people painting it, some of them dressed as pilgrims, others as indians, singing the national anthem as they painted the flag onto an old decrepit barn. It warms my American heart (Sidenote: I’m secretly extremely patriotic. Seriously).

Below is the house where I grew up. It’s about a half mile from the base of Yosemite Falls. It’s a humble home, but for me it represents a very specific kind of glamour, the opportunity to walk outside your door and be in one of the most magical landscapes on the planet. A few images of the inside of the house can be viewed here.

The view from the hammock in the back yard.

One of my lovely friends enjoying the rope swing down the street.

We took a hike up the Mist Trail to the lovely Vernal Falls, along with, like, every single tourist in the whole entire world (sidenote: Yosemite is crowded in the summer, try Fall, Winter, or Spring for a quieter visit).

Because it was 88 degrees and we were hiking up a mountain, we took our shirts off. Also, we’re gay. Pictured here with me, World Famous Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier. Note to my father: I’m wearing a Giants cap. Happy now?

This is the Ahwahnee Hotel, the hotel I played in while I was growing up (my favorite trick was to convince tourists I was homeless). The Ahwahnee’s pastry chef made my delicious birthday cake (so rich and amazing I can still taste it).

In addition to providing delightful birthday cakes, the Ahwahnee is also a wonderful place to enjoy a ridiculously overpriced outdoor cocktail.

A fun fact about Gays is that we have internal sensors in our brains that naturally direct us toward beaches, even when we are 400 miles inland. Thus, we made our way to the sandy beaches of the Merced River, next to the Superintendent’s Bridge.

Once at the beach, we tried unsuccessfully to take outdoors-inspired profile pics. Another important fact about homosexuals is that 87% of their free time is spent attempting to take the perfect profile pic for facebook. It’s incredibly time-consuming and exhausting, but required unless you want to be socially ostracized.

This is the ugly beach about five minutes away from where I grew up. The water is freezing and I have never gotten in unless someone chased me in. True fact.

The only thing that even came close to meeting the beauty of Yosemite was my beautiful friends.

Once beaching was done, we headed home for a birthday BBQ.

After a delicious meal of grilled steaks and vegetables, we moved on to birthday cake. My pretty sister and her fiancé were in from San Francisco for the weekend, a delightful birthday treat.

All things considered, my 30th was a smashing success. I may not be Amanda Woodward, running over old ladies while quipping about my immense wealth, but I do have the best friends and family on earth. And that’s not too shabby!

My only complaint is that the weekend was far too short. I feel like I blinked and it was over. This will be a lesson for me for my 31st birthday in Yosemite. Next year, I’m opting for a full week of Yosemite fun for my birthday, two days in paradise with friends and family is simply too short!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Amazing Gays, California, Californiatimez, Environmentimez, Fun In Nature, Great Humans, Vacationtimez, Vacationz, Welcome to my home, Yosemite

by | 18 June 2012 · 4:09 pm

Californiatimez: Hiking, Cactii, and the Most Amazing Plant Nursery on Earth

Dear Diary,

Last weekend, some gays and I decided to escape the madness that is LA Pride and head to the little town of Fillmore, California to take a hike and discover new things. Naturally, because we are 90z gays, we took a Jeep wrangler, with the top down. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced riding in the back of a Jeep Wrangler, but a word to the wise: don’t ride in the back when it’s cold outside. It’s the coldest you’ll ever be in your whole life. I froze to death and it was really sad. But then I came back to life when the car stopped moving.

Fillmore is an interesting town. And by “interesting” I mean terrifying. It’s the kind of place where you expect to hear dueling banjos play as soon as your gay car enters the town square. I know it sounds like I’m being super judgmental. But that’s just because I am super judgmental (I learned this recently in a personality test). Also, I went to high school in a similarly terrifying town (Mariposa, California) so I know what those places are like and that there is good reason for my overwhelming fears. All this aside, Fillmore has some wonderful sights to see, including this vacant lot:

And lots of pretty (and haunted) abandoned trains. YAY!

And a pretty high school that looks like this:

My high school looked like this:

Coincidence? I think not. I have a lot of fond memories of high school. Mainly of the day I graduated and never went back ever again.

The main reason for our trip to Fillmore was a hike to Tar Creek. The vistas were beautiful, the air fresh, and the hike delightful.

The hike features two main swimming holes, both with ledges for jumping and slides for sliding.

When the opportunity to jump off a 20′ rock into a pool of water arose, the boys got separated from the men. And by that I mean that I was too scared to jump off the rocks because I have a secret fear of heights. So I suppose that makes me a boy and not a man. Which is fine by me.

This is the second, higher, more terrifying waterfall. The guys I was with jumped off it while I ate beef jerkey.

There was even a giardia-laced waterfall to bath in whilst thinking about the meaning of life. It’s a scientific fact that no Gay can resist the urge to frolic in an outdoor waterfall.

The surprise highlight of the trip was the amazing cactus store we discovered on the way home. Cactus Mart sits on the side of the freeway and is the the most amazing cactus nursery in the whole entire world.

The prices were pretty awesome. Definitely worth the drive.

Someday, I want to live in a greenhouse that looks like this.

Our trip to Fillmore was filled with fun and freedom. I’d highly recommend the Tar Creek hike to anyone (just make sure not to go when it’s too hot because there’s, like, no shade anywhere). And for people who love plants, Cactus Mart is kind of a dreamland. Now if only I had a yard for all these cacti…

Love,
Orlando

5 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, California, Californiatimez, The Golden State

by | 8 June 2012 · 6:23 pm

Palm Springs Overdose

Dear Reader,

When I was a little boy, obese with braces on my teeth, I used to love whipped cream. We never used the canned kind, my mother always whipped it up the real stuff. I loved it until one day when I went overboard. That day I ate a whole entire bowl of whipped cream by myself. I’ve never been so sick in my life. I’m telling you this story not only to let you know that I was a fat kid, but also to provide a warning to you: too much of a good thing is a bad thing. This is how I’m starting to feel about Palm Springs. I’ve already been four times this year and to be honest, I can’t take it anymore. Its parties are too fun, the heat too hot, and the pools too refreshing. Enough!

That being said I had a wonderful time in Palm Springs over Memorial Day Weekend. A group of friends rented a glamorous house and spent days by the pool, nights by the pool, and late nights at the one horrifying gay bar in Palm Springs, where we danced our lives away like we were characters in the 1990s gay romantic comedy. Did gay romantic comedies exist in the 90s? I hope so.

The drive out to Palm Springs is always beautiful, even when it takes five hours like it did this time (it’s supposed to take two). The light out there is so amazing.

This drink summarizes perfectly the weekend’s activities, which consisted mostly of drinking tropical drinks by the pool whilst talking about our feelings. To make it, add lots of vodka, a splash of soda, muddle with watermelon, and add raspberries, limes, and mint.

This painting was in our mid-century house. I wanted to steal it but I didn’t.

This is the view from the living room. I love that wild tree outside.

How cute is this dog? I tried to pet her but she didn’t like me. Which was a huge blow to my self-esteem.

A friend of mine has these flamingo shorts that I’m obsessed with. Someday I’m going to sneak into his house and steal them while he is sleeping.

The flamingo shorts are from AMBSN. Gimme.

Speaking of swim trunks, these are my favorite right now.

They are from H&M.

This is our pool. Ugly, right?

This is the doorway at a ridiculous pool party we went to for someone’s 40th birthday. It was terribly fun and completely over the top. Me likey.

Another pool party discovery was this moose sculpture. Or is it an elk? Whatever it is it’s cool and I want one for my garden. Even though my garden doesn’t exist because I live in an apartment with no outdoor space. Tears.

I’m not a huge fan of modern, minimal houses but Palm Springs does it best.

A sad, lonely beach ball, perilously close to the cruel spines of the cacti. This must be a metaphor for something but I was too busy talking about gay bodies and the mall to think about it.

Glamourpool with yellow accents. Well played!

The guest house.

The dining room was completely bonkers. And I liked that.

That crazy chandelier. The crazy painting. Those crazy chairs. It’s all awful but in a good way that I want to look at.

This is the spiral staircase every gay boy dreams of walking down on his way to prom with his prom date Ricky Martin.

I like this wallpaper? I think? And the horse head? From Z Gallerie?

The gold piece on the mantle incited a fierce discussion amongst my friends. Them: “It’s ugly.” Me: “It’s prettty.” What do you think?

These cat tapestries were by far the best find of the weekend. They were at another pool party house. Totally genius and I want to wear a coat made from them.

We stopped at the Ace Hotel for lunch on the way home. It’s the perfect place to go if you want to feel like you’re on hipster spring break.

I have a fetish for pretty house numbers, so I snapped this one. Really the only reason to have a house is to have cute numbers on the front.

I think I’ll wait a while before I go to Palm Springs again. It’s lovely and fun, but I don’t want to overdose like I did on whipped cream. That would be terrifying.

Love,
Orlando

12 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, California, Californiatimez, Vacationtimez

by | 14 December 2011 · 6:39 am

Purple Rain on Brooklyn

Dear New York,

I’ve been visiting you for the past two weeks and I’m writing this as I hurtle through the air on wireless internet equipped plane. Whilst in New York, I stay briefly with my friends Matt and Brandon who live in Brooklyn Heights in the most adorable and amazing apartment in Brooklyn. They’ve done some decorating around the house recently, so I wanted to share their progress. Firstly, how cute are they?!?

This is the original color of their entire apartment. I don’t understand why all landlords seem to think everyone wants to live in dingy “Swiss Coffee” colored apartments. I get that it’s an attempt to make things look warm, but usually it just makes it look like the place was inhabited by hardcore smokers for years and years and years. Or that the walls were smothered in pure butter. Gross.

Matt and Brandon chose a dark grey for their bedroom, which looks bluish in some of these pictures but is actually a warm grey tone. Delicious (Brandon likes it).

I don’t know where he got crazy prints, but I love them.

I like this abstract painting, but the star of this room is clearly these DIY hanging pendants (instructions coming soon!).

This bright red is, like, totally outrageous.

The mirror tipped lightbulbs were a good addition and keep the light from being totally blinding.

For their office, they chose to go with a purple/aubergine color. I’ve been loving on purple for a few years now, but I’m too scared to do anything about my love because I find it hard to wear or use in my apartment. But I love the way they used and the chose the perfect hue.

And of course, what gay Brooklyn apartment is complete without a white lacquer animal head collection on the wall?

Here is the finished living room with their adorable little Christmas tree.

Now that I’ve seen that I’ve seen Matt and Brandon’s apartment, I think they’re going to have to get used to me visiting more. In fact, I think I am going to ask them to be my two gay dads so that I can stay there when I go back to New York next month. Glamour. Awkward. Aspiration.

Love,
Orlando

2 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, New York, Xmas

by | 1 September 2011 · 6:53 pm

Extreme Makeover: Chris Crocker Edition

Dear Chris Crocker,

Most people know you from the “Leave Britney Alone” Youtube video you made a few years ago. What most people don’t know is that you had been recording video performances for a long time before you became instantly famous, and that many of those videos are genius. There is a new documentary about your life coming out soon and to go along with your new movie you’ve got a new look. While I loved your playful genderambiguous look before, you look great now. Below are before and after pictures.

Before:

After:

And here is a preview of the documentary based on your life.

My hope is that people will see this and you will finally get the credit you deserve for being a talented performance artist.

Love,
Orlando

2 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays

by | 12 July 2011 · 6:39 am

The Anatomy of a Gay Pool Party

Dear Straight People,
I was walking down the street the other day, thinking about how commonplace Gay Pool Parties are on hot summer weekends in Los Angeles, when I realized that there were probably people in the world that had never attended a Gay Pool Party. Thus, I’ve decided to write a shocking exposé on the world of gay pool parties. All the deepest, darkest secrets (from a stylist) will be revealed. Here we  go:

1. The first thing to know about Gay Pool Parties is that they are all sponsored by a high end alcohol brand. I imagine this is because Gay people are rich and their friends are all executives at high end beverage companies. Also, rich people like to save money whilst promoting their rich friends. Or whatever.

2. The second thing to know about Gay Pool Parties is that the boy bartenders are always beautiful. And straight. So single ladies, find yourself a Gay and make him take you to a party. The bartenders will be so relieved to see you that they will fall in love with you even though they are most likely out of your league. This is Los Angeles after all, where every waiter is an actormodel.

3. Every Gay Pool Party is at a ridiculous house in the hills that cost more money than the GDP of most countries. These homes are usually decorated in the contemporary style by a young interior designer with no skills who happens to be really hot.

Some houses (like the one where these photographs were shot) are decorated tastefully. Modern/stark/contemporary isn’t really my thing, but for that style I must say this house was done impeccably.

4. If you go to a gay pool party do not A) Expect to know the host or B) Expect to meet him. Try as you might to find him and thank him for having you over, he will evade you for the entirety of the party. The host only shows up (standing right behind you) when you say something rude like “where’d they get that AWFUL vase!?!” Thus, if you are just dying to know who the owner of the house is, scream something loud and objectionable.

5. Every gay person that is rich enough to host a Gay Pool Party has met the president. It’s just a fact of life.

6. Every Gay Pool Party house is decorated in ridiculously expensive original artwork. Like these signed Lichtenstein silkscreened prints (valued at $150,000).

7. Gays love houses with a view. So if you’re at a Gay Pool Party and there ins’t a view, it is important that you leave immediately.


8. Gays don’t like square pools. So if you attend a gay pool party expect a nontraditional pool shape. Don’t be afraid, the water is still warm and inviting. In fact, the water at Gay Pool Parties is, on average, 12 degrees warmer than the water at straight pool parties. Gay people hate cold water.

9. An important thing to note about Gays is that none of them have body hair and they all smell like coconuts. They are also impeccably clean and don’t need to wear sunscreen, because their Ken Doll skin tans naturally in the sun, protecting them from the sun’s harmful UV rays.


10. Gays love angles and drama, and design their houses accordingly.

11. Finally, gay pool parties are really more like a swimsuit competition than a party. Everyone has 4% body fat, a brand new brightly-colored swimsuit, and perfect “Talented Mr. Ripley” hair. It’s like being trapped in a colony of models that have no idea there are people out there who aren’t models. Which is “fun”(?) right?

I hope you have enjoyed all the deep, dark secrets I just revealed to you about Gay Pool Parties and are excited to embark on your own safari into the wilds of your first Gay Pool Party before the summer ends. I know I am!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Amazing Gays, Californiatimez, Haute Hommes, Hollywoodtimez, I Love LA