Category Archives: Beauty

by | 2 October 2012 · 9:46 pm

My So-Called Barber

Dear Self,

Are you ever like “Hey, this is the worst day of my life and I feel like a moldy thrown-away tortilla on Seis De Mayo”? Well there is one sure-fire way to cheer yourself up on days like these. All you have to do is go to the nearest barber or hair salon and ask them to chop of all of your hair. There is nothing more therapeutic than running into a chic salon and screaming “CUT IT OFF ME!!!!” with tears streaming down your withered face, bony face.

The other day I was feeling like an ugly Rumpelstiltskin. The best thing to do when you feel like a disgusting hogface is to get a haircut. I guarantee it will always make you feel better. If you have the right stylist that is. If not it will ruin your life. This is why I go to Shane at The Cut By Barbershop. He looks like this:

The Cut By Barbershop is kind of like a speakeasy. There is no sign outside. When you make an appointment you are given the top secret location. Then when you get there you’re like “where am I?” Then you walk in the door and you’re like “What? How is this amazing barbershop still such a secret?” And then you feel super cool for knowing about a place that is so secret even the owner hardly knows it exists.

The exposed beam ceiling is pretty cool. Shane has added a lot of lighting to this place to make sure you can see your perfect new haircut and dazzling white teeth.

Have you ever been like “I want a giant mirror!” and then you look for giant mirrors and realize they cost more than a brand new Mercedes? Mirrors are ridiculously expensive. Which is why I love this totally clever idea Shane implemented in his shop. He used vintage brass closet doors as mirrors. It not only looks industrial chic, it also gets points for being so inventive.

I love this vintage Mobil Pegasus. His actually lights up. And that dog is so adorable I want to put it in a glass cage and stare at it forever.

The shop is filled with cool object, including these horns.

Percentage of times I’ve had a drink whilst getting a haircut: 0%
Percentage of times I’ve wanted a drink whilst getting a haircut: 100%

I love the design of these Hudson Whiskey labels. I like whiskey, but seeing that bottle makes me like it ever more.

One time when I was little our next door neighbor used to wear a helmet while she raked the yard. She did this because she was scared an acorn would fall from high above and end her life. Her fear of acorns did not stop me and my siblings from making fun of her every day. Fast forward to me seeing this helmet at Shane’s shop. Would it be weird if I started wearing a motorcycle helmet, even though I don’t ride a motorcycle? I hope not because I want to wear this one every day. To the gym, to the movies. To your wedding. Everywhere!

There is nothing more American than barbershops, so I was happy to see this American flag on the wall.

Why do I not own this speaker and/or fully understand what it is? It is so beautiful.

If you find yourself in Hollywood and look up to see this sign in a window, run inside immediately and get a haircut. Hurry!

A strange truth about this place is that as soon as I started going I found out all my stupid friends go there too but never told me about it. It was like some weird secret society that no one invited me to. Meanwhile I was outside laying on he pavement eating a whole cake by myself. Not really. But I felt so left out of this barberglamour. Which is why I am telling you about it now. Because I am such a good person.

Look how cool this mid-century barber chair is. Looks kinda like an Eames chair…

I’m pretty sure Shane has a trunk hoarding problem, because there are a lot of trunks at The Cut By.

That damn speaker again. Mine.

And here’s me with a fresh new haircut. No longer a moldy tortilla, I feel like a hot tamale!

Thanks for the glamourtimez, Shane. I’ll be back soon.

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Beauty, Bodytimez, California, Hollywoodtimez, Men's Grooming, Whut Glamour!

by | 28 September 2012 · 6:28 pm

Oh My God Where Did You Get That ADORABLE Nazi Tee?

Dear Reader,

The other day I was at the gym when I spotted a dude wearing this T-Shirt from American Apparel.

It’s a pretty rad shirt. I love pink. I love triangles. And I love graphic tees. But the shirt is also a political statement. Now, not only can you buy ugly/ironic non-functioning spectacles and short shorts at American Apparel (thank god), you can also buy fashionably political t-shirts. Is this cool? Or perplexing? Or both? Also, I want one. Is that okay?

And now for a mini Gay history lesson, as told by someone whose knowledge of Gay history is almost as thin as Nicole Ritchie in that famous running-on-the-beach-in-a-diaper photograph.

The pink triangle was originally used by Nazis to label the Gays in concentration camps. It was appropriated by Gays in the 1970s and made popular by the Act Up movement. For those of you who don’t know Act Up, it was started by Homo Activist Larry Kramer in the 80s in response to the fact that Ronald Reagan was doing nothing about a health crisis that was killing the entire Gay community. In short, Act Up was an advocacy group that protested the government’s lack of action in AIDS research and the provision of experimental AIDS treatments for people with AIDS. They were fighting to save lives, and were thus awesome.  They protested and protested. The protests looked like this:

The Act Up protests often attracted counter protesters like these:

…Um, yes I do. Have you seen me?

Artists, like Keith Haring (above) played a huge role in Act Up, creating visuals to spread their message. Sidenote: I love Keith Haring. Love. Love. Love.

The signature of Act Up is the triangle. Which is right side up, unlike the upside down triangle used to label the Gays in Nazi concentration camps. Inverting the Nazi triangle was a way of negating it, flipping it on its head to use it as a symbol of Gay empowerment. A lot of interesting art was made utilizing that pink triangle:

Which brings me back to this American Apparel t-shirt:

Why is the triangle upside down, Nazi-style? Obviously there is some sort of appropriation/subversion thing going on considering American Apparel owner Dov Charney is Jewish, as is this model (who I know in real life because all Gay people living in Los Angeles know each other. It’s true). But I’m still a little confused…

I don’t disapprove of this shirt because American Apparel has made it clear that they are pro-Gay and pro-Jew. But it does seem kind of crazy to sell a shirt with a Nazi symbol on it without explanation. In all honesty, they probably put the triangle upside down because it’s more flattering than a regular triangle, accentuating your broad shoulders and that tiny little waist! And wouldn’t you prefer the Nazi triangle to the Act Up triangle if the Nazi one makes you look better? Don’t answer that.

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Amazing Gays, Beauty, California, Californiatimez, Fashonz, Gays

by | 26 September 2012 · 4:57 pm

Um, What Is That On Your Face? [Evolution Man Product Review]

Dear Lovers of Facial Products for Men,

Every morning when I wake up, I look just like this:

I know what you’re thinking. Not my best look. I’ve had a hard, hard life. But don’t lose hope! After a good face scrubbing using an industrial sander I apply 17 layers of facial creams, elixirs, eye gels, bronzers, and anti-aging serums made from baby elephants. And after all that I look like this:

Okay, just kidding. I don’t really look like that either. That picture took hours of Zoolander eye smoldering, photoshopping, dreaming, and lamenting the fact that I don’t actually look like an anime character (which apparently is what all modern advertising is asking us to look like). This is what I look like in real life, sans Photoshop:

Photographs courtesy of Glamourous Celebrity Photographer Stephen Busken.

The reason Gay Dudes always look younger than the Straight Dudes is that, like Straight Women, they spend 86% of their time smearing lotion all over everything, taking breaks only to drink kombucha and sip that youth potion from “Death Becomes Her.”

One issue for men is that there aren’t a whole lot of products made specifically for us. And there’s nothing worse than feeling like a ladyface because you just smeared Lancome Rénergie Lift Volumetry Eye Cream all over yourself. Not that I’ve ever done that. (Yes I have). For Gay Homosexuals, there is nothing less attractive than smelling like a Woman’s eyeball, so it’s important to use products that don’t smell like flowers and/or old lady. This is why I’ve been so intrigued with these man products from Evolution Man. Thus, I’ve decided to review some of their key items:

Wash and Buff, $19

Do you ever have those days that are so annoying that you just want to come home and scrub your face off? There is nothing quite like extreme exfoliation to calm your nerves. Like scrubbing your face to the point it’s almost bleeding, until it’s as smooth as a baby. This product is good because it has just the right amount of exfoliants and will prevent you from sanding your epidermis off. I also like that it smells like tea tree oil, which reminds me of when I was a hippie in high school and still believed in natural remedies. I don’t think it’s a good idea to use anything stronger than this on a daily basis, but if you need a super intense scrub, I’d try Microdermabrasion Scrub from Derma E.

Verdict: Great for daily use, smells like my adolescence, I’d buy it.

Moisture Protect, $25

Would I buy something just because I liked the packaging and I wanted it to match the other products in my medicine cabinet? Yes. But I also like that this product has broad spectrum SPF and comes in a glamourous Bronzer Version for $26. And it doesn’t feel oily. Which is a big thing for me because I am constantly shiny and disgusting.

Verdict: Great daily moisture with SPF, thanks for not being oily and disgusting.

Do you remember that episode of My So-Called Life when Angela gets a zit on her chin and it, like, ruins her whole world?

Well that episode is pretty much every day of my life. Sometimes you get pimples and sometimes you don’t want to be reminded of them so sometimes you might cover them with a little something or other. This is a deep, dark secret amongst men. Some men cover their disgusting blemishes with ladymakeup. Which brings me to this product:

Conceal and Treat, $21

As far as conceal/treat things go, this one is pretty awesome. And because the packaging looks so manly, I feel 17% less like a ladyboy when I’m using it. Especially when my boyfriend barges into the bathroom, calls me a woman, and then flees the apartment in fear and disgust. This is why this type of product should probably be used secretly, in shame. And why you probably shouldn’t tell anyone you’re using it. Like I just did. Ooops.

Verdict: Being a ladyboy is better than having an Angela Chase zit on your chin, man up and buy this concealer.

Lip Balm, $10

I apply chapstick about every 4 minutes so this one is a no-brainer. Downside is that the cap tends to fall off if you keep it in your pocket because of the rubbery finish of the container. Upside is that it smells like coconuts. And it is my belief that the sole purpose of living is to smell like a coconut.

Verdict: You can never have enough lip balm, especially if it smells like coconuts.

Revitalize Eye Gel, $28

Every time I apply eye cream, I secretly expect to be immediately transformed into the beautiful teenager I never was. That didn’t necessarily happen with this product (I’ve only used it once so far) but I did like the consistency. Recently, every eye cream I use is either too thick or too runny. If it’s too thick it makes me rub so hard I practically rip out my eyeballs. If it’s too runny it looks like I’m crying milk.

Verdict: Great consistency, still waiting to transform into teenage supermodel. 

In closing, I’d like to say I was not paid for this post by Evolution Man and was free to write whatever I wanted. I have genuinely been interested in their products and wanted to review them for Hommemaker for quite some time. That being said, can I have my money now?

Love,
Orlando

14 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Fun Finds, Men's Grooming, Style