Category Archives: Californiatimez

Palm Springs Overdose

Dear Reader,

When I was a little boy, obese with braces on my teeth, I used to love whipped cream. We never used the canned kind, my mother always whipped it up the real stuff. I loved it until one day when I went overboard. That day I ate a whole entire bowl of whipped cream by myself. I’ve never been so sick in my life. I’m telling you this story not only to let you know that I was a fat kid, but also to provide a warning to you: too much of a good thing is a bad thing. This is how I’m starting to feel about Palm Springs. I’ve already been four times this year and to be honest, I can’t take it anymore. Its parties are too fun, the heat too hot, and the pools too refreshing. Enough!

That being said I had a wonderful time in Palm Springs over Memorial Day Weekend. A group of friends rented a glamorous house and spent days by the pool, nights by the pool, and late nights at the one horrifying gay bar in Palm Springs, where we danced our lives away like we were characters in the 1990s gay romantic comedy. Did gay romantic comedies exist in the 90s? I hope so.

The drive out to Palm Springs is always beautiful, even when it takes five hours like it did this time (it’s supposed to take two). The light out there is so amazing.

This drink summarizes perfectly the weekend’s activities, which consisted mostly of drinking tropical drinks by the pool whilst talking about our feelings. To make it, add lots of vodka, a splash of soda, muddle with watermelon, and add raspberries, limes, and mint.

This painting was in our mid-century house. I wanted to steal it but I didn’t.

This is the view from the living room. I love that wild tree outside.

How cute is this dog? I tried to pet her but she didn’t like me. Which was a huge blow to my self-esteem.

A friend of mine has these flamingo shorts that I’m obsessed with. Someday I’m going to sneak into his house and steal them while he is sleeping.

The flamingo shorts are from AMBSN. Gimme.

Speaking of swim trunks, these are my favorite right now.

They are from H&M.

This is our pool. Ugly, right?

This is the doorway at a ridiculous pool party we went to for someone’s 40th birthday. It was terribly fun and completely over the top. Me likey.

Another pool party discovery was this moose sculpture. Or is it an elk? Whatever it is it’s cool and I want one for my garden. Even though my garden doesn’t exist because I live in an apartment with no outdoor space. Tears.

I’m not a huge fan of modern, minimal houses but Palm Springs does it best.

A sad, lonely beach ball, perilously close to the cruel spines of the cacti. This must be a metaphor for something but I was too busy talking about gay bodies and the mall to think about it.

Glamourpool with yellow accents. Well played!

The guest house.

The dining room was completely bonkers. And I liked that.

That crazy chandelier. The crazy painting. Those crazy chairs. It’s all awful but in a good way that I want to look at.

This is the spiral staircase every gay boy dreams of walking down on his way to prom with his prom date Ricky Martin.

I like this wallpaper? I think? And the horse head? From Z Gallerie?

The gold piece on the mantle incited a fierce discussion amongst my friends. Them: “It’s ugly.” Me: “It’s prettty.” What do you think?

These cat tapestries were by far the best find of the weekend. They were at another pool party house. Totally genius and I want to wear a coat made from them.

We stopped at the Ace Hotel for lunch on the way home. It’s the perfect place to go if you want to feel like you’re on hipster spring break.

I have a fetish for pretty house numbers, so I snapped this one. Really the only reason to have a house is to have cute numbers on the front.

I think I’ll wait a while before I go to Palm Springs again. It’s lovely and fun, but I don’t want to overdose like I did on whipped cream. That would be terrifying.

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under Amazing Gays, California, Californiatimez, Vacationtimez

My So-Called Apartment Building

Dear Reader

In an old apartment building in Hollywood, not covered in vines, lived twelve little gay guys, in two straight lines.

…Well, not really, but you get the picture. I live in this crazy apartment building where a lot of my friends happen to live and as you can imagine, it is filled with titillating gay drama, glamourous rooftop parties, and devious boyfriend stealing. I moved here last year after admiring the building for years. Mainly because it’s the best color ever, mint green, which totally goes with the mid-century style of the building. It was built in 1949 and hasn’t had much updates since, which probably endangers my life greatly, but is sure pretty to look at. The building sits near the border of West Hollywood, but is technically in Hollywood. This is good because it means it’s just fancy enough that I can walk around without getting stabbed (hopefully) but just gritty enough that I can tell people I live in Hollywood and they will be a little scared and wonder if I am a drug dealer and/or thief (Sidenote: I am neither, unless you count stealing America’s heart as thievery). I know most people don’t aspire to live in kitschy apartment buildings, but I must say I’m thankful for my place every day. It’s very warm and inviting and feels like home.

My favorite thing about the building is its palm trees. One sits right outside my window and greets me every morning.

Strangely, I also love the power lines outside. Even though they are probably, like, giving me cancer as we speak. Rude.

I love all the original railings on the building. So simple and geometric.

The cathedral windows look slightly strange from the outside of the building but are a dream on the inside because they provide floor-to-ceiling light. It’s illegal to install them now because they kill you instantly in an earthquake. Or something. I think I just made that up.

Don’t you love the lush landscaping combined with the crazy power lines?  Like Hannah Montana, it truly is the best of both worlds.

My street, nestled at the base of the Hollywood Hills, is pretty cute too. Lots of mid-century apartment buildings and vast green lawns (which by the way are native to Los Angeles and not at all a disastrous waste of water).

Everything is minty aqua green, just like in my complexion every time I hear that Gotye song that they are totally playing into the ground right now. Gotye, your song is somebody that I wish I used to know.

This is our pool, where daily drama occurs. Usually involving someone accusing someone else of stealing his boyfriend, which is followed by a martini being thrown in someone’s face and the other one getting thrown in the pool screaming, “You’re dead to me!” Actually that never happens but I would be so much happier if it did.

This is my upstairs neighborfriends’ deck. They had custom stripe cushions made in classic black and white. Luxury.

Because California has some of the prettiest sunsets on earth, our rooftop provides the perfect place for a nice glass of wine at dusk..

I hope you enjoyed these images of my apartment’s exterior. A wise person once said not to judge a book by it’s cover. But in the case of my apartment, I’m glad I did.

Love,
Orlando

10 Comments

Filed under California, Californiatimez, Hollywood Diary, Hollywoodtimez, Real Estate

You Must Buy These Things Or You Will Be Socially Ostracized!

Dear Diary,

The sun is shining in beautiful Los Angeles and the summer is upon us. Or at least I think it is. I actually have no idea when the official start of summer is and I don’t feel like googling it. I know the unofficial start is next weekend. Memorial Day Weekend. To get ready for summer, I’ve been slowly stocking up on summer must-haves. And so should you. If you are a girl, just buy these things for your boyfriend. That way no other girls will hit on him because he will look like a mischievous homosexual. Like me.

I’m super into these cool hats. They are yet another piece of evidence that black people (along with the gays) are responsible for everything that is cool. Black guys were the first to wear these, then straight white guys, now gay dudes. I’m into the gay thug look though, so that’s fine by me. Thank you, black people!

LA Dodgers Cap from 59fifty

I like bright things, so I love these sunglasses. They cost $5 and I bet I’ll break them by this evening. The average lifespan of a pair of my sunglasses is 3.67 days. I am a terrible human being.

Sunglasses from H&M

I love everything from Warriors of Radness. Especially this awkward ball tank top.

Tank from Warriors of Radness

These jersey knit tanks are so soft I want to wear them all the time. It’s like wearing air.

Tank Top from H&M

Loving these pink painterly swimming swimmerz.

Swim Trunks from H&M

These are very exciting and sort of tiny. I’m not into long swim trunks. Who wants to be weighed down by all that fabric in the pool? I just want to be free.

Grey Swim Trunks from H&M

These look totally dorky online but are cuter in real life. Especially when you cuff them a bit.

Shorts from H&M

Yup. These flip flops are old news but I still love them.

White Flip Flops from Havaianas

To protect my lily white skin from the harsh burning sun of Southern California, I rely on this sunscreen. Mainly because it has the most adorable label I’ve ever seen. But also because it smells like oatmeal and doesn’t have nano particles that get into your pores and give you even more cancer than the sun does. Trust me, I’m a scientist.

Badger Sunscreen

To change the color of my lily white skin from Titanium White to Swiss Coffee, I rely on this delightfully streak free product. It actually works but it comes off if you sweat to much. And believe me, I sweat too much.

Sunless Tanner from Keihl’s

So that’s all you need for summer. Now go out and buy it, because that’s what we do. This is America.

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez, Fashiontimez, Fashonz, Gays

That One Time Coachella Almost Killed Me

Dear Everyone Who Went to Coachella Weekend 1,

Why didn’t you warn me??? Of course you told me that it was going to be loads of fun, the most exciting experience of my life. What you didn’t tell me was that it would, like, actually kill me. It was a ton of fun and I’m happy I went. But honestly, it was the most exhausting experience of my life. It’s been two days and I still feel like an actual corpse.

The weekend started off in a serene, peaceful manner. We went to the ticket tent to grab our shuttle passes. It looked like this:

Then we went back to our house (we stayed near La Quinta, a beautiful old resort in Indio). The property was super calm and quiet in the hot morning hours.

We did some exploring around the dry landscapes that surrounded the oasis we stayed in.

I even stopped to pose for this cheesy picture in an old gorgeous tree at the La Quinta Resort.

The typography at La Quinta was super cute and hand painted. The hotel is from the late 1920s has a tremendous amount of history to it (the cab driver told me Marilyn Monroe used to hang out there).

We enjoyed exploring and hiking and taking pictures. Everything was so relaxing an warm. And then this happened:

Yeah, so basically Coachella is Spring Break. The above pooldancers were dancing to this song:

It’s totally my new favorite sumer jam.

The performances at Coachella were all incredible. Naturally, my favorite was Radiohead. Florence and the Machine were also good. And the finale with Tupac’s hologram and Dre wasn’t bad either. Listening to “California Love” in a sea full of white people singing along to “in the city of Compton!” while white dancing was one of the most delightful and perplexing experiences I’ve ever had.

Sorry for all this nudity, but I had to keep some journalistic integrity and to be honest, it was so hot (104 degrees) that wearing clothes simply wasn’t an option.

This is The Weeknd. When they came on I was all “who is this?” And then I felt about a hundred years old and everyone laughed and then they asked me to leave. Not really.

It finally cooled off a bit at night, allowing us to stop suffocating and concentrate our hardest on dancing. Which really is the point of life. And Coachella.

The drive home (which lasted about 5 hours because of traffic) was one the of the worst experiences of my life. But it was worth it, because Coachella was one of the best. Now if I could just get my heart to start beating again and regain my will to live.

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez

Things In Palm Springs

Dear Gays,
Remember that one weekend you all decided to go to Palm Springs at the same time? Yes, I do too. It was last weekend. Apparently there is some sort of antiquated gay party out there (“White Party”?) where everyone dresses in white gogo pants and dances on bleachers whilst being sprayed with toxic foam. Or at least I think that’s what happens. Anyway, I went out to the desert because I wanted a nice break from my crazy life (which has been cuckoo puffs lately, hence the  sparse posting on here). Some of my friends rented a house that looked like this:

I love how bright and flat the light is in Palm Springs. I also love how every house in Palm Springs comes with free gays in white hats. Yay!

Aqua, my favorite color in the world, feels right at home in Palm Springs.

I actually like this wallpaper in real life, even though it looks like a seeing eye picture here. Remember those? Those stupid messy splatter paintings that were supposed to make 3D images if you stared hard enough. But I could never see the stupid hidden image. And it filled me with rage when everyone else talked about how they could see a seal with a ball on its nose inside all that mess. I hate those things.

I love this little low-slung shelf. It reminds me a bit of a shelf I designed a while ago, but far more practical.

I used to think I hated frosted glass. But then I saw this and I realized I was wrong. Which caused me to wonder how many other things I have been wrong about in my life. Which filled me with fear and worry. And now I hate myself.

So that’s a few things I saw in glamourous Palm Springs. I hope you liked them as much as I did (except those rugs. Disgusting, right?).

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez

Hey House, I Want You!

Dear Diary,

I was browsing Sonoma County real estate the other day, as I often do, when I came across my dream home. It’s crazy, it’s asymmetrical, it’s made of redwood, it’s in the middle of the forest. It’s everything I want. It’s located in Healdsburg, California, which is an adorable town in wine country. And the price is right ($292,000 vs. neighboring properties for 6 million). It’s on 3.2 acres, has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and is on a road that my sister-in-law refers to as “the most beautiful road in Sonoma County.” Oh, and it’s a total piece of junk and it’s falling down and disgusting inside, which I guess is why it’s so cheap. But that’s the problem with being a designer. Instead of seeing the gross pile of rubble that stands before us, we hallucinate and see the fantasy house that could be. This happens to Emily and I a lot. We’ll show clients a totally disgusting sofa that needs to be reupholstered and completely remade and to us it looks totally beautiful because we’re seeing the final product. But to everyone else it just looks like a piece of junk fit for a hobo. That’s kind of what’s happening with this house. Everyone I show it to looks at me like I’m crazy, but I know I could make this house into something awesome. Here are some images of the house as is:

That sloping roof. Swoon.

The garage just needs a new door and for that basketball hoop to go away.

This is the living room. Total gut job. Needs new crisp white drywall and perhaps some kind of treatment on the ceiling (I’d do wood slats or something earthy). I’d also extend the windows to the ceiling. Why not, right?

I die for these mid-century California lines. Gimme!

Look at this deck. Oh, the glamorous Northern California parties that could be had out there. Dreams.

When I see the above dilapidated Sonoma County house, I am reminded of this glamorous project by William O’ Brien:

Angles + Light = Love

I think what I love so much is how dramatic the shape is. It warms my heart to imagine living in there.

In conclusion, if you’re sitting around wondering what to do with that extra $292,000 you have lying around, please buy me this house so I can make it into the glamorous woodland abode it deserves to be. In return you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that it wasn’t torn down to build a McMansion in the heart of one of California’s most desirable locales. Yay?

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez, Exteriors, Interiors, Real Estate, The Golden State

Color Warriors (of Radness)!

Dear Warriors Of Radness,

Sometimes when the cloudy winter weather has me down, I Google images of your clothing and feel better about the world. Everyone knows I love bright colors a little too much. In fact, every time I get dressed, I am accused of being either gay or a woman (one or both of those accusations are true). Not only is Warriors of Radness clothing bright and exciting, it also provides inspiration for some wonderfully playful photographs. Below is a selection of some of my favorite images featuring Warriors of Radness clothing and a collection of uber-glamorous surf hippies. Delightful!

Tank, $22

Hoodie, $125

Graphic Tee (past season)

I Heart WOR Shirt, $12 (was $32)

Tank Top, $40

Pullover, $42 (was $144)

Muscle Guy Shirt, $10 (was $36)

Swim Trunks, $105

Fleece, $110

Surf Punks Tee, $12 (was $36)

Sweatpants, $145

Aqua Shorts, $66

Sweatpants, $145

Sweatpants, $145

Aqua Shorts, $66

The following four looks are from past seasons.

Surf Punks Tee, $12 (was $36)

Stonewash Shorts, $80

Sweatpants, $145

Rainbow Trunks, $28 (was $110)

Even when the sky is full of clouds and it’s cold outside, these pictures make me want to become a beach bum, live in a tent on the sand, and wear neon for the rest of my life. Yay!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez, Fashiontimez, Fashonz, Hot Couture

I Saw Some Stuff. And So Can You!

Dear San Francisco/New York Snobs,

I know you love to discredit LA as a cultureless wasteland of ugly, but I happen to disagree. Sometimes I like to take pictures of the pretty stuff I see every day. Below are a few of those finds.

Hollywood.

My Apartment, Morning After a Party. Hollywood.

The New Library. West Hollywood.

Runyon Canyon. Hollywood Hills.

Vacant Lot Near My Apartment. Hollywood.

(Note the tent in the image below)

Hollywood Boulevard. Hollywood.

Echo Park.

Laurel Canyon Boulevard in a Rainstorm. Hollywood.

Laurel Canyon Boulevard at Mullholland. Hollywood Hills.

The Sky Above My Apartment Building. Hollywood.

View From My Window at 5:30 AM. Hollywood.

Flowering Trees. Hollywood.

Laemmle Sunset (Now Closed). West Hollywood.

Sky Above Hollywood Boulevard. Hollywood.

Downtown.

Orange County.

After The LA Marathon. West Hollywood.

West Hollywood.

So yeah, that’s the type of thing that catches my eye on a daily basis. Now you go out and find some for yourself. You can do it!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez, Hollywood Diary

Whut Glamour / Griffith Observatory

Dear Griffith J Griffith,

I’d like to thank you for Griffith Park and The Griffith Observatory. Sometimes when I’m having a crazy week I take a drive up to the observatory and walk around just to calm down and stare at the giant city I live in. I have been to the observatory a million times, but I’ve never seen a planetarium show so I decided to visit last week to check one out. The star shows are pretty cheesy, but they’re totally old-school and informative and will leave you freaking out about how tiny we are in comparison to the vastness of the universe.

If you love looking down on people, there is no better place than the Griffith Observatory, perched high above this glorious city.

I love all the vintage signage and the pretty copper rooftops.

Parts of Rebel Without A Cause were filmed here, so there is a sculpture of James Dean. It kind of makes him look like a gaunt werewolf. I want to look like a gaunt werewolf.

The grounds of the observatory are beautifully manicured and a great place to catch a sunset whilst thinking about your deepest, darkest secrets. If you have any. I don’t because I’m perfect.

The whole place feels like a time warp (it was built in the 1930s).

If you’ve not been there you need to go visit Griffith Park and the observatory. Catch a show at the planetarium (but prepare to be bored and/or terrified of the insignificance of humanity). Fun!

Love,
Orlando

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Filed under California, Californiatimez, I Love LA

That One Time I Skated On Thin Ice and Almost Died

Dear Diary,

There was some good news and some bad news this Christmas. The bad news was that there was no snow in Yosemite. The good news was that because there was no snow, the Tioga Road was open. The Tioga Road leads to the isolated Tuolumne Meadows section of the park, about an hour away from my parents’ house. This meant that for the first time in my life we got to go up and ice skate on Lake Tenaya, which is one of the most beautiful, serene places on earth.

First things first: here’s what I wore. Purple Sunglasses from Urban Outfitters, a grey scarf from Gap, a hoodie by Levis, a coat by David Mayer, jeans by Levis, and skates by GodKnowsWho.

Everyone in my family got new ice skates when I was 13. Thank goodness my feet were already size 12 by then so I can still wear mine. Also, check out these AMAZING skate bags we bought in 1995. Jealous?

This is my dad’s skate bag:

This is my mom’s skate bag:

This is my skate bag:

These are my man figure skates. They’re pretty old school and awesome, still in good condition after all these years.

Even Rex, my brother’s dog, got to skate on the lake.

I’m not going to lie, skating on a lake is actually kind of scary. Mainly because it seems like you could fall through at any moment, dying immediately in the frigid water.

My mother skated for a bit, then canoodled with my little niece, who I regretfully inform you is the cutest baby in the whole world. Apologies to any babies you know.

This is my attempt at a Volvo ad.

Part of the lake was so clear that you could see fish swimming underneath. Which was pretty exciting. Those poor little fishies must have been freezing!

As you can tell, it was pretty ugly and disgusting there.

My siblings and I have been skating our whole lives, but my brother and sister are dramatically more talented at it than I am. When we were kids, we would go skating every day after school at the Curry Ice Rink.

You can see my thumb in this picture. The reason is that as I was taking it, the ice made a terrifying cracking noise under my feet as the ice was breaking. I almost died. Not really.

Because the Tioga Road (which leads to Lake Tenaya) is usually closed this time of year, this is potentially the last time I’ll ever skate on this lake. It was a super rare opportunity. And the most exciting and glamourous thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Love,
Orlando

7 Comments

Filed under California, Californiatimez, Fun In Nature, Vacationz, Yosemite