Category Archives: Culture

 Dear Gays,

A few days ago, I was sitting next to my boyfriend playing with his beautiful hair, thinking about the future, and looking at facebook when I noticed a few of my friends were changing their profile pics to pink equal signs that look like this:

I didn’t really know what it was, but assumed it had something to do with the upcoming Supreme Court cases about gay marriage.

Cut to this morning when, slowly, my entire facebook feed turned pink and red, a collage of people changing their profile pics in support of gay marriage. This changing wave of photos led me through a tumultuous emotional roller coaster that occured in the following stages:

1. What is everyone doing? I don’t get it? What are those pics!?! Does not knowing what these are make me old? Or would knowing what they are make me old?

2. Wait everyone is doing it. Should I do it?

3. Wait, if I do it now am I just doing it because everyone else did it?

4. Is it wrong to not want to do something just because everyone else is doing it?

5. Is it wrong to do something because you’re worried about being a bad person for not doing something just because everyone else is doing it?

6. Wait, the fact that everyone has the same profile pic is starting to make my facebook wall look really beautiful. Should I change my pic just to improve the aesthetics of facebook? It’s kind of like a collective art installation…

7. OhMyGod that gross white trash girl who used to call me gay names in high school changed her profile pic. What is going on with the world?

8. Ok, now I just can’t do it because it’s too late and I’ll look like a straggler.

9. Is it wrong not to do something just because you don’t want to look like a straggler?

10. Fine. I’ll do it. But only if I can somehow figure out how to make an equal sign out of Anjelina Jolie’s exposed Oscar leg.

At that point I changed my pic to this Photoshop masterpiece:

Like any other rational human being, I am obsessed with that one time Anjelina Jolie Captain Morgan’d her leg all over the Oscars. It was the turning point at which I realized I no longer understood American pop culture at all.

I’m pretty sure changing our profile pictures is going to have zero impact on the Supreme Court rulings, which is why I didn’t jump on the bandwagon right away. This isn’t an issue of public opinion, so I’m not really quite sure what function changing our profile pictures is supposed to serve. I guess it serves some sort of emotional purpose. Like we all feel the need to do something. But does protest, even real, meaningful protest that involves more than changing your profile picture, even have a place here? Isn’t this about the justices interpreting the Constitution and figuring out whether it allows discrimination against gays? And deliberating. In a room? By themselves? Alone? Whilst not staring at my Facebook pics?

I’m not going to be one of those crabapples who sits to the side and grumbles about what everyone else is doing. I certainly have no problem with all my friends changing their profile pics, but there is a certain sense of safety in it that seems to negate the point of the whole thing. I can sit here from my West Hollywood (adjacent) apartment and safely update my profile picture so that everyone in my (highly edited) group of (entirely gay friendly) “friends” can see that I support gay marriage (duh).

Brian Moylan wrote a semi-scathing criticism of this Facebook profile pic conformity which I totally agreed with. His issue with it was that changing your profile pic is probably the laziest form of activism in the history of time. But our generation has a relatively lazy approach to activism. Mainly because we’ve never had any huge issues to get riled up about.

A long, long time ago, before Facebook and Grindr, gay people had to be, like, actual activists because they were all dying and no one knew what the fuck was going on. I was reminded of this when I recently watched How To Survive A Plague, a totally enthralling documentary about Act Up’s activism in the 80s, demanding that the government stop ignoring the AIDS epidemic. Those people were brave. They were emotional. They were out on the streets. And they were fighting for gay rights when being gay was frowned upon by the general public, when gays were pushed to the side, maligned, and swept under the rug. They were truly doing something brave. Modern gays owe them everything.

Flash forward to the only sliver of activism the Millenial generation has had the chance to feast on: the fight over the passage of Prop 8 in 2008. Our generation has been criticized for being apathetic and entitled and for the most part we have been. But that’s because we’ve never really faced a huge opposition (i.e. intense oppression in the 50s or AIDS in the 80s). But when Prop 8 was added to the ballot we were reminded that we were second class citizens, reminded that we still had a reason to unite and fight for something.

Prop 8 gave us the chance to stand in the street holding signs, to march in enormous groups and chant, to increase visibility. The rallies I attended in Los Angeles in protest of Prop 8 were exciting. It made us all feel like we were Harvey Milk-era activists.

Above art by Evan Ross Katz

And now back to the Supreme Court cases about gay marriage. Changing your Facebook profile picture isn’t activism. It certainly shows solidarity and support for the right to marry, but it’s not activism. And in this case that’s totally fine. At this point activism serves an emotional purpose, but perhaps not a logical one. We aren’t going to change the Supreme Court’s opinion on gay marriage. They have to figure out some sort of legal way to rationalize whatever decision they come to. While it made sense to protest Prop 8 because people were going to polls to vote on it, protesting a court decision before it even happens doesn’t make sense.

That being said, I think changing your profile picture to show support for marriage equality is great for a number of reasons. Firstly, it’s therepeutic and makes us feel like we’re doing something, somehow making us feel less powerless. My sister and her (female) fiance are waiting for this ruling with baited breath, being that their wedding is already scheduled for September. They have an especially vested interest in the outcome of these cases. And I know they felt a certain comfort in changing their profile picture and seeing how many other people follow suit.

The most heartening moments of this profile pic changing party has been seeing how many straight people showed up to support the gay people in their lives. My mom changed her profile pic, maybe yours did too. Seeing this felt good. Which I guess is the whole point of everyone changing their profile pics. Maybe it wont sway the justices, but it definitely gave people the sense that they were supported and loved. So yes, I do think it’s relatively useless as advocacy, but it serves as emotional enrichment for our community, a way for us to show we support one another. And I think there is inherent value in that.

Love,
Orlando

Dear World,

I came out of the closet when I was 15.

At the time, I lived in a house right under this waterfall:

I worked here:

And I went to this gross high school:

I’ve actually always hated that phrase, “coming out of the closet.” It implies you’ve been lying about something your whole life, when in reality you’re just a kid trying to figure out who you are. As much as I resented that term, however, I decided it was important to come out because I thought it would be beneficial for the kids at my isolated high school to know a gay person. I also told everyone I was Jewish for the same reason. Being that I am also partially Latino, I was a one-person diversity parade.

A fun fact about high school students is that they are, for the most part, terrible human beings. The mixture of insecurity and lack of experience cause kids to be horrible to each other, and naturally people who stick out end up receiving the majority of the bullying. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised at how open I was, considering I went to high school in a conservative, predominantly white and Christian community.

When I chose where to go to college, I chose the school furthest away from my hometown. I headed off to Cornell in upstate New York, an idyllic college that felt more like 4 years of sleep away camp than school. Being that Cornell was much more diverse and known to be liberal, I was surprised at how few out gay people I met when I got there. More pressing than the liberal bent of the campus is the preppy desire to be perfect. Thus, a lot of my gay classmates waited until they left that intensely competitive environment to come out of the closet.

And come out they did. A fun fact about Cornell students is that most of them move to New York City upon graduating. They do this to make peace with themselves for having spent the last four years in a tiny town that is constantly under a snow cloud. I moved there too, into a cute little apartment in Chelsea. I’d go out to crazy underground gay bars and for the first time, I started running into some of the guys I knew were gay in college but who were not out because they were in some fraternity or on Student Assembly.

And this is when I started to resent closeted people. Where had all these gay guys been when I was in college? Where had they been when I was in high school for that matter? I found it annoying that in the cut-throat, competitive college environment where it was trendy to be preppy and straight, everyone was. Meanwhile, me and the other dorky gays made up the visible gay community on campus. The closeted guys left it up to us to pave the way for them to come out of the closet in a city filled with gay bars and rainbow flags.

You get the sense when you come out early that you have somehow made it easier for everyone else to do so. This is likely true, as more visible gay people leads to a better understanding of the diversity within the gay community and greater acceptance from straight people. Knowing this makes it easy to resent people for staying in the closet. Another reason to be annoyed by closetedness is that closeted men make terrible partners. Firstly, they decrease the dating pool by not being visible as potential mates. Second, they force you to engage in all sorts of conspiratorial acts to conceal their true identity to those around them. So yeah, closeted people pretty much suck.

I’ve had a chip on my shoulder about closeted people for a long time. Mainly that I felt they were relying on people like me do their job for them. Their job being to go out into the world and be like “Hey There. I am a huge homosexual and I am also totally okay. Get over it.”

I’ve recently met a few guys who have challenged my ideas about coming out of the closet. These men, who didn’t come out until they’d hit their 30s, spent their entire youths clinging to the heteronormative fantasy life they’d always imagined they would have, always had been expected to have. Most gays experience some sort mourning process for the straight life they thought they’d have. Because we live in a society that defines success by our ability to fit into some kind of cookie cutter life (love, marriage, house, babies), it’s hard to say goodbye to the idea that you are going to grow up to be a heterosexual. I remember, as a 12-year-old, planning on being gay in college and then turning straight when I graduated. I have no idea how I expected this to happen, but I did. I believe many closeted guys believe in that kind of magical transformation, that if they just try hard enough their life will fit into the mold they want it to.

Most of the closeted guys I’ve met have had some sort of intense external pressure (or perceived external pressure) to hide themselves. One friend cites his father’s constant derogatory slurs about gay people as the reason he’s not out to him at age 34. As much as I think he needs to tell his dad so his dad can, like, meet an actual gay person, I understand his hesitation.

Hearing stories like his makes me realize I need to recognize my own privilege. My childhood looked something like this:

I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted. I was allowed to play with whatever I wanted, whether it be a doll or a pile of dirt (I liked both). I wasn’t raised to feel weird about any of that. It wasn’t until I got older that the other kids policed me on what was “normal.” Growing up like this gave me a sense of entitlement about acceptance. I’ve never understood homophobic people, because to me they just seem backwards and uneducated. I’ve always felt entitled to acceptance, and written off anyone who didn’t approve of my gayness as a bucktooth yokel (to be honest, most of the time they were).

I realize this is not the case with everyone. Some people have family members who are otherwise intelligent human beings that for some reason have a mental blockage against gays. These are the people who are likely to be closeted. And it just doesn’t seem fair to be mad at closeted gays who grow up around these types of weirdos.

So how do we deal with our closeted friends? The answer to this one is boring. I think the key here is to wait them out, while showing them that it’ll be okay when everyone knows they’re gay. Being intolerant about their decision to be closeted just gives them another reason to be alienated from the gay community.

Saying goodbye to the anger we have for those who remained closeted while we were out there being gay, making it okay for them to be gay is an act of liberation. Sure, it’s annoying to wait for people to step out of the closet. But as cheesy as it sounds, each person has his own journey. As much as we know it’s good for the community to come out, we can’t force closet gays to come out. But we can be patient, non-judgmental, and try to understand their reasoning for remaining closeted. Most of us clung to that closet door at sometime or another.

Love,
Orlando

PS: What is your story? When did you come out as a gay? As an ally? As a homophobe? Tell me everything.

Dear Gym Lovers,

Did you know there is such thing as a “Gay Gym”? I did. A Gay Gym is like a regular gym except everyone is more attractive, there is a disproportionately male clientele, and there is 57% more body dysmorphia than at your traditional Straight Gym. Gay Gyms are normally located in homosexual neighborhoods in major cities. Two great examples include David Barton Gym in Chelsea in New York and Equinox on Sunset in Los Angeles. These gyms aren’t officially Gay, but the majority of the members are (some just don’t know it yet because I haven’t told them). Thus, they become a special world where Gays frolic and laugh whilst working on their CrazyGay bodies and avoiding eye contact.

Everyone has their pet peeves about what happens at the gym. Things that bother them, things that charm them, things that thrill and delight them. Below are a list of my Dos and Donts for the modern Gay Gym.

1. Do act modestly and keep yourself covered in the locker room.

A while ago, I was working out at a Straight-Themed gym in Santa Monica and I noticed something. All the straight guys were running around naked in the locker room, without a care in the world. In straight gyms, dudes can get away with waddling around naked in the locker room because no one cares. It’s totally different in Gay Gyms. In Gay Gyms everyone keeps himself covered, shamefully changing from towel to undies as fast as possible to avoid any unwanted ogling.

2. Don’t run around like a streaker, naked in the locker room. It wont end well.

The only people who walk around naked like it’s perfectly normal are super old dudes and really slutty ones. So unless you’re a super old dude, it’s best to be modest in the locker room. Otherwise, the weird Peeper standing next to you is going to think you’re hitting on him. And then you’ll have to explain to him why you’re not interested. And after you’ve explained it to him I will come over to you and say “Sir, you’re not wearing any pants!”

3. Do act with utmost dignity in the steam room.

In the steam room, most normal topics of conversation are off-limits. No talking about sex, parties, or money. Acceptable topics of conversation are limited to what you want to eat for dinner and what you ate for dinner yesterday. If necessary, you may also talk about what you ate for lunch, but even that could lead you down an inappropriate path. Anything that can be viewed as even remotely sexual could make you sound like a perv. And then everyone will get uncomfortable and leave the steam room. And then they’ll report you. And then you’ll be kicked out of the gym. And then you wont be able to work out. And then your life expectancy will drop. And then you’ll die.

4. Do not blow your nose into your towel in the steam room.

I know, the steam room releases some congestion that otherwise would not be released. But when you release your snot into your towel whilst sitting right next to me, it makes me want to release my barf all over your face. Just act like a normal person and wait to blow your nose until you’re in the shower. And do so in shame and isolation, thinking about how disgusting you are the whole time. That is the American way.

5. Do be friendly and courteous to your fellow gym members.

Go ahead! Wave to your friend Adam! High five his husband Steve! It’s fun to be social at the gym.

6. Don’t accidentally lock eyes with the town Peeper.

Are you ever staring off into space, wondering if Lark Voorhies and Tiffany Amber Thiessen ever hang out anymore, when all the sudden you realize that as you are gazing off into space you are staring at a scary man who is staring right back at you, salivating and biting his lip? This is to be avoided at all costs. As a gay man at the gym, you should never make eye contact with anyone. The best way to avoid eye contact is to awkwardly dart your gaze around the room, never settling on one area  as to avoid dreaded eye contact with an unwanted Peeper. Sure, this will make you look like a crazy person. But would you rather be a crazy person or be obligated to talk to the Peeper?

7. Do feel free to shave your face in the gym’s sink area.

Shaving your face is a normal and healthy part of living in a society that forces you to undergo strange and bizarre beauty regimens in order to conform to conventional conceptions of beauty and hygiene. Go ahead, it’s fun!

8. Don’t shave your back, chest, or nether-region in the gym’s sink area.

Like watching Twilight: New Moon, shaving your chest and/or back is something you should do at home. In private. While crying. In shame. No one wants to watch you shave your chest in the gym mirror. There’s something awkward and too personal about it that makes me feel funny inside. Like the same funny as when I see parents feeding their newborn babies hamburgers from McDonald’s. Also, I just learned that most men don’t like their guys to have shaved chests anyway. I read it in an amazing academic survey done by intellectual powerhouse ManHunt, so it must be true.

9. Do say hello to your  friend when you see her next to the elliptical.

Hay gurl. How are you? Luv ur top!

10. Don’t get into a conversation about how your father never loved you with the person sitting next to you on the abs machine.

Are you ever, like, working out totally normally, thinking about how sweaty your face is when your friend comes over and starts talking to you about his breakup. And then he starts crying. And then you start crying. And then everyone starts crying and it’s like Oh-My-God? Well this is why you should never talk about deep things at the gym. The gym is an inherently superficial space. Conversation should be confined to cute guys, the mall, Anjelica Houston, and neon tank tops.

11. Do blow dry your hair until it is fluffy and perfectly coiffed like this guy:

or this guy:

Fine. Using the hairdryer at the gym can help you get the perfect hair you’ve always wanted. Maybe. Actually, your hair will probably never look as cool as this guy’s. He has the best hair on Earth. I want to die and come back as his hair, just so that my life means something, so I have a positive impact on the world.

12. Do not use the blow dryer to dry your entire body, that is what towels are for.

I used to get incensed when I’d see guys blow drying themselves at the gym. “USE A TOWEL!” I’d scream at them in my head. There is something inherently sketchy and creepy about using a blow dryer as a towel. Firstly, its a waste of energy and bad for the environment. Second, there’s something kind of sexual and creepy about blowing air all over your body whilst rubbing yourself and looking in a mirror, pursing your lips. That being said, in recent years I have become sweatier and sweatier, and I have been known to blow dry myself to cool off from time to time. If you see me doing this, don’t say anything. Judge me quietly, and then tell your friends about how weird and gross I am.

13. Do wear appropriate workout attire that makes you and everyone else around you comfortable, happy, and thinking of physical wellness.

Normal workout attired includes tank tops, workout shorts, and tennis shoes.

14. Do not wear clothing that is inappropriately distracting, such as blue jeans, turtleneck sweaters, or nipple-exposing tank tops.

Any nipple-exposing tank top is a no-no. For some reason, in our culture we are not used to looking at nipples. Seeing them at the gym can be jarring and disorienting, leaving one incapable of working out. Other clothing items to avoid are jeans, high heels, and anything by Armani Exchange (side note: how did Giorgio ever let his name be used on such grossness?).

15. Do use your phone to make sure your dinner date knows what time you’re meeting.

Using your phone for totally necessary reasons is perfectly acceptable at the gym.

16. Don’t use your phone to have an hour-long conversation at full volume about how fun your weekend was and how much you liked that crazy party on Saturday.

The great thing about modern cell phones is that you don’t have to scream into them in order for the person on the other end of the line to hear you. You can speak at a normal tone about your private matters, venereal diseases, and hatred of your mother. And no one else has to hear. Everyone wins!

17. Do maintain your face with as many surgeries as you wish.

I don’t judge people who get plastic surgery. It’s your body, do what you want with it. Just kidding. I totally judge everyone who gets plastic surgery. Sure, many of them look fine. But lately I’ve been getting annoyed at the amount of duckfaces I see at the gym. A nip here? A tuck there? Who cares! But when everyone starts looking like cats and farmyard animals because their faces are pulled and pumped so much, I start to feel like I’ve been transported to an alien planet. Plastic surgery looks especially terrifying on older men, whose eye jobs can sometimes make them look like a cat head sewn onto a man’s body. Speaking of eye job, look at Lil’ Kim. She used to be a beautiful black woman. And now she’s an Asian grandma. Not that there’s anything wrong with being an Asian grandma. But now Lil’ Kim looks old and scary, when she could have continued to look 25 for the next 50 years. She is black, after all, and black people age better than everyone else. Chew on that, whitey!

18. Do not come to the gym immediately after said surgeries, no one wants to see that.

The other day I was on the treadmill and a lady with a nosejob bandage got on to the one next to me. I know it’s irrational, but for some reason I spent the whole workout worrying that her bandage was going to explode off and blood was going to squirt everywhere, all over my face. And then her old nose would grow back immediately. And she would run out of the gym crying. And it would be all my fault because I let her work out next to me. And it would haunt me for the rest of my life. Don’t let your plastic surgery haunt me for the rest of my life. Stay at home.

19. Do use the mirror to monitor your workout form.

Sometimes, the mirror is necessary to figure out if you’re doing the exercise right. For people who lack any physical coordination whatsoever (me), a mirror is a helpful tool to make sure you’re not doing jumping jacks when you think you’re doing push ups (if I had a dollar for every time I did that!).

20. Don’t use the mirror to monitor you awesome abs.

If an ab flexes under a shirt and no one is there to see it, does it actually exist?

Yes.

I know you are worried that your abs might have packed up in left in the six minutes since you last looked at them, but trust me, they’re still there. There is no need to constantly lift up your shirt to make sure they still exist. If you get worried that your abs are gone, come over and ask me and I’ll reassure you, they’re still there. I know this because I have ab muscles, but I’ve never seen them because they are covered with my belly. But every once in a while, I feel them moving, so I know they’re in there. Take solace in that. Your abs will always be there for you. There is no need to constantly stare at them. They can survive without your constant love and affection.

If you must ogle your abs, just wait until you get home, then you can spend all night looking at them in the mirror. It will be totally fun. Maybe you can invite someone over to look at your abs and compliment them. And then you can have sex. With your abs. Alone. In the mirror. By yourself.

So that is what I have noticed in my travels to the Gay Gym. What about you?

Love,
Orlando

Dear Gays,

With Valentines Day upon us, many of us have couple-hatred on the mind. However, there is one type of couple it’s impossible to hate. Vintage Gay couples. Not only is their style totally unique and exciting, the fact that they were forced to love each other in secret makes these photographs all the more titillating. Sure, there’s no proof that any of these guys are actually couples, but what is the point of looking back on history if you can’t mold it to fit your modern-day agenda? Thus, for the purpose of this post I will be assuming all these guys are Gay, and that they had great relationships and loved each other until they died, happy as clams.

Take these happy sailors for example. True love.

True love on the American Frontier. Haute.

And these guys. Doing a total WeHo Party Photo Booth pose. Sidekiss!

I don’t know what is happening here but I think I like it. Or it makes me uncomfortable. Or I like it.

Vintage hotties. Hay boys.

I love these guys. On vacation. Together. Wearing matching swimsuits. Someday I will manipulate my boyfriend into doing this. Until then, my life will be incomplete.

Yes, the do look alike which is slightly creepy, but still a cute photo.

There is something inherently Gay about the sailor costume. I have no idea why. But gays have loved it since the beginning of time. Maybe it’s the cute hat and the fitted pants, I have no idea.

This is your classic Daddy with the Pool Boy combo. Yes, it’s terrifying. But also kind of sweet.

“They went to war for our country, but the true battle was for each other’s hearts.” That will be the tagline for the movie version I plan on making of this photo.

I bet they sent this out with their Christmas card. So adorable!

Gay and black at the turn-of-the-century. That must have been easy-breezy!

This couple looks like they had a cold, complicated relationship. But at least they had great clothes.

It’s funny how these styles have totally been recycled. I could totally see someone wearing these fashions today, with the same haircut.

More sailors, of course!

I don’t know what it is about these images that is reassuring. Maybe it’s that they are a reminder that Gays actually existed before the 80s, when I was born (But in all honesty, did anything really “exist” before I was born? Did anything really exist before you were born? Probably not). Maybe it’s that clothing was at one time more dignified and well-tailored than it is today. Either way I like to fantasize about living one of these antique love affairs. Even though in reality it would have meant the townfolk would have chased you with pitchforks while yelling insults at you through their toothless mouths (Coincidentally, that pretty much sums of my high school experience).

The moral of the story here is to look for love where you find it. Sure, lots of these dudes are probably just buds who had no idea that their bro-pics would someday end up on a Homosexual website. But wouldn’t you rather think of them as lovers, who lived a classic fairytale romance whilst wearing super cool vintage fashions? I would.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Couples,

The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. “Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn’t. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days.

I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.

This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. You’re lame if you have a partner. Couples are annoying. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.

You see evidence of the obnoxiousness of couples everywhere you look. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect. They’re handsome, well-educated, successful, and friendly. They invited me and my boyfriend and one other couple to dinner. To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. I am annoying. I hate couples. I hate myself.

This is not to say that I don’t love my boyfriend. I very much do. In fact, every day I wake up expecting to get dumped because he puts up with so many of my shenanegins. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. It’s a vicious daily cycle. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. Or perhaps worse. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world.

So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Here is a short list of annoying things couples do:

1. You say “we” instead of “I.”

Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? As in, “We love your house!” Why don’t you just speak for yourself? Are you no longer a person? Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship? No one wants to hear your “we” speak all the time, it’s grating and exhausting.

2. You make everyone else feel like a third wheel.

Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing!” (whilst still stifling laughter). These types of couples are the worst, and should be banished to islands where they can watch all the stupid movies they want in peace, without having to include anyone else in their hilarious banter.

3. You were more fun when you were single.

To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watching New Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s (side note: it’s really delicious {I’m so lame! [ugh!]}).

4. Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you’re not going to hook up with anyone.

Let’s be real, the best part of a party is afterwards when you can talk about who hooked up with who and then judge them while secretly wondering if they are having more fun than you. You can be like “Oh my god, Brian totally hooked up with Hollis and EVERYONE saw!” Couples destroy this potential for drama by only canoodling each other. What’s the fun in talking about a couple going home together? Snooze.

5. Because the dramatic relationship you have with your boyfriend seems interesting to you, but is boring to everyone else.

Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. But then that becomes all they talk about and you’re left wondering why you ever encouraged them to talk in the first place because now you’ve become their therapist and they wont stop dumping their problems all over you?

6. You and your boyfriend look alike, and that’s creepy.

You have the same skin color, the same eye color, and you wear the same outfits that you both bought at LASC. Stop it. You’re scaring everyone. We can’t tell you apart anymore and the fact you’re dating someone who looks that much like you is just further proof that you’re an egomaniac and a pervert.

7. Because inviting you means we have to invite your totally annoying boyfriend.

Remember when we used to have fun dinner parties where we’d all sit around and laugh together and be so happy that we were friends? Well now that inviting you means I have to invite your obnoxious, sullen boyfriend we never have those fun dinners anymore. I miss the days when you were single and I could hang out with you without having to include your mood-ruining other half.

8. You just nuzzled noses. At. The. Dinner. Table.

We get it. You love each other and need to show it. But do we really have to watch? (However, I kind of do want to watch these two nuzzle noses. Is that wrong?).

9. You act like you’ve been married for ten years and you’ve been dating for two weeks.

Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! We’re buying a HOUSE!” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together. Some couples move superfast and act like it’s normal and talk about getting married after like three dates. Which sometimes means they will fall in love and last forever, but more often means they’re actual psychopaths and their relationship is going to end in exactly 17 days.

10. Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house.

Gays, with their great taste and clever shopping tactics, have a superior ability to find cool stuff at flea markets and vintage stores. When you multiply this by two you have an unfair shopping advantage that means they’re stealing great finds from single people everywhere, and that’s not right. How are they supposed to get laid if they can’t trick out their apartment with awesome flea market finds? Selfish.

11. Let’s face it, sluts are more fun.

Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. But in a good way. A way that makes you seem fun and young. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays. Different friends represent different parts of your personality. Single friends allow you to express your carefree, adventurous side while couplefriends allow you to express the side of you that wants to sit on a LazyBoy eating marshmallows all day. Which one would you choose?

12. You have twice the wardrobe because you’re the same size as your boyfriend and that’s just not fair to the rest of us who have to buy all our own clothes.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a wardrobe these days? For example, camo is already out even though it just came back in after going back out after coming back in like 2 years ago. And varsity jackets are so necessary but in two weeks they are going to be frowned upon. It’s not fair that you have twice the amount of clothing just because you’re in a relationship.

13. You save money on rent by co-habitating, and that is also not fair to the rest of us who have to pay our own damn rent.

Everyone else has to pay their own rent, and so should you! Why should you have a spare bedroom and an office just because you have a boyfriend?

14. Because you use the phrase “Date Night.”

The term “Date Night” is annoying. What are we 16, finally allowed to go on dates for the first time? Are we animated dogs on a magical date in Italy, destined to suck on one piece of spaghetti until we accidentally kiss? Instead of “Date Night” why not just say “Business Meeting”? It’s far less annoying and it makes you sounds important. Sometimes when I am going to dinner with my boyfriend I tell people I have an important meeting with very powerful Japanese business men (the Japanese part is crucial because Japan is better than America, I hope you knew that). This lie not only relieves people of having to hear the term “date night” it also makes me sound powerful and important. Which really is the only reason to ever say anything at all.

15. You post pictures of your obnoxious smarmy dates and your stupid glamorous vacations all over Facebook while constantly writing saccharine status updates professing your love.

I know, I know! I told you to do this in my Resolutions post. But I didn’t think you’d take me so seriously. I’m a blogger, for God’s sake, which basically means I’m a hobo that somehow got access to a computer. And I never said anything about professing your love on Facebook. That’s weird and uncomfortably intimate. That’s what texting is for. Duh.

16. Because your on-again, off-again relationship is constantly forcing your friends to choose whose side they’re on.

Stop breaking up with your boyfriend, dumping all over me about it, forcing me to hear all sorts of terrible things about him, and then getting back together with him the next day. It’s exhausting and it makes me feel funny inside. Kind of like that picture of Nicole Ritchie running on the beach wearing a bikini.

17. You only hang out with other couples.

Hey, Couples! Wanna know something interesting? Just because people are single doesn’t mean they are uninterested in your game night. Or that they don’t want to come on your couples trip to Ojai. Oh wait, yes it does. Nevermind.

I hope you enjoyed hearing me rant about why I hate couples and thus why I hate myself. This Valentines Day, I venture to guess I’ll be doing what I did last year. And the year before that. Which was gather up a group of friends and go out to dinner. Because I’ve been single my whole life up til now, Valentines has always been a time to celebrate the love I share with my family and friends. I can stare lovingly at my boyfriend (privately, in secret shame, without telling anyone) whenever I want, but V-Day remains a time to get together with friends, grab a drink, and talk about what a stupid holiday it is and how it was created by the greeting card industry to make money. So this holiday, screw couples. Let’s drink to family and friends whilst making fun of the couple canoodling at the table next to us. It’s only fair.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I got my pet peeves about couples off my chest. What are yours? Tell me everything!

Dear People Who Grew Up Watching The Super Bowl,

I didn’t. I’d actually never seen the Super Bowl until I moved to Los Angeles. Arguably, I still have never watched one because I never pay attention. The only thing I remember about last year’s Super Bowl is that Chevy commercial with “We Are Young” by Fun. Remember when that song was new last year? Before it had been played so much that every time it came on the radio you wanted to transport yourself into medieval times just so you could find a sword long enough to stick in your ears so you’d never have to hear it again? Yeah, that. That’s what I remember about the Super Bowl.

Everything changed in 2008 when I moved to Los Angeles and attended my first ever Super Bowl party. Like most Gay things I have encountered in Los Angeles, it was completely ridiculous, totally glamourous, and entirely centered around the pool. For those of you who have never attended a Gay Super Bowl Party, I’m going to break it down right now. Don’t be scared. If it gets too intense you can turn away at any time. Just kidding don’t leave me I need you. (I’m scared). Without further introduction, here are ten things you can expect to find at a Gay Super Bowl Party:

1. A glamorous, sun-drenched pool:

Where all the guests look like this:

Let’s face it, no one is going to watch the game. Why waste this perfectly pretty pool and this gorgeous 80 degree February day?

2. A glamorous, sun-drenched house:

Like Gay pool Parties, most Gay Super Bowl parties take place at fancy mansions in the Hollywood Hills.

Sidenote: because I am a lover of design and spaces, I tend to avoid including people in my photographs. Humans, with their flailing limbs and questionable fashion choices, can muddle up a photograph, turning a well-composed image into a busy disgusting mess. Thus,  most of these pictures have no people in them, even though the party was full of happy, elated homosexuals. (And one girl).

3. A home decorated in Keith Harings:

Every rich Gay man owns a Keith Haring. This is because Gays have good taste and Keith Haring is awesome. Someday, when I am a rich Gay man, I will also own a Keith Haring. It’s all part of the great, grand circle of life.

4. Bartenders dressed like football players:

Gays pull off theme parties better than anyone, so they make sure that even their bartenders fit into their Super Bowl/Football party aesthetic. Sadly, because most football jerseys are large and flowy, the bartender’s 16 pack abs wont be visible as he serves vodka tonics. Gays know sacrifices must be made for a party to reach its full thematic potential.

5. City views that distract you from watching the game and/or commercials:

While the rest of California is rooting for the 49ers, Gays will be standing on a terrace appreciating the beauty of the world. This is way more fun than watching dudes stand around then tackle each other then stand around again. I promise.

6. A hot tub that automatically begins bubbling at dusk:

Gay inventors have ensured that fun continues on into dusk and evening hours by creating hot tubs that immediately start bubbling the second the sun starts to dip in the sky. This way, no one gets sad that the day is ending. There is much to look forward to. A reason to continue living.

7. Gays that actually want to watch the game. You know who you are:

Strangely, some Gays actually want to watch the game. At first you think they are just trying to seem butch because they have some sort of annoying hang up that forces them to fetishize the hegemonic version of masculinity with which they were raised. But then you realize they actually like football. At which point you realize you can never be friends because they are basically aliens. I’m from Northern California. Anyone who knows anything knows that people from Northern California only like baseball and soccer. And NPR and Volvos. And Phillip Glass. And the New Yorker. Okay I’ll stop.

8. A luxurious food spread that no one will touch:

Gays are the world’s best hosts, so they serve only the most beautiful treats. However, because guests will be running in and out of the pool, nearly naked, most are scared to eat the delectables on display. Resisting pretty food, that is the Gay Man’s burden.

9. An enormous television that overlooks an enormous pool that overlooks an enormous city:

In order to be able to fully appreciate the Super Bowl, you should be able to see the television from the pool. This ensures that people don’t have to get out of the pool to see what’s going on with the Super Bowl commercials. Removing a Gay from the pool before he is ready to leave can cause severe trauma to the skin and subsequently tremendous psychological damage. You can never allow a Gay to get cold or uncomfortable. As lovers of warm locales and the beach/pool aesthetic, frigidity is something that can be especially harmful to their beautiful, coconut-scented skin.

10. 500 Gays waiting for all those football/commercial interruptions to be over so that the Beyoncé concert can start.

Let’s face it. Most people, especially the Gays, are watching the Super Bowl to see Beyoncé lip-synching her halftime show. Speaking of which, I have no problem with lip-syncing. Unless you are at the inauguration of our president, whose presidency has been the most historically important presidency of our lifetime.

So, there we go. This is what you will see if you attend a Gay Super Bowl Party. While the rest of (lucky) America gets to each chips and drink beer, sitting inside fully clothed, the Gays will be having a swimsuit runway show around the pool, occasionally running inside to see if any of the commercials are funny. This is just the natural order of things. Do not resist it.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Gays,

Are you, like me, still hungover from celebrating New Years? Did you mean to have tons of resolutions this year, but now you’re too braindead and irritated to think of any? Well you’re in luck, because I’ve taken the liberty of thinking of some resolutions for you. Living by these rules will bring you much success (and a man!) in 2013. I promise.

1. Go on a weird diet that freaks everyone out.

Whatever your body composition is, why not change it up for 2013? If, like me, you went a little crazy with eating and drinking during the holiday season, it’s time to go on a terrifying diet that will cause everyone around you to think you’re totally anorexic. And then you’ll be like “No I’m not!” (While chewing on a celery stick, wondering how many calories are in it). I tried this Crazy Vegetable-Based Diet a few months ago and it totally worked. The one downside was that it filled me with uncontrollable rage, but it was worth it because afterwards I looked like this guy (Kind of. Not really):

Ok, maybe I didn’t look exactly like that guy. But how much does that picture make you want to run on the beach in a Speedo? It seems pretty unjust that we live in world where we have to work and stuff when really we should all be running half-naked in the warm sun. Speaking of which, Warm Sun? Are you there? I miss you. Unfortunately, after I did that Crazy Vegetable- Based Diet, I ate my feelings at Christmas and now I feel like this:

Which is fine, just another reason to go on a weird diet so that I, like Oprah, can inspire people to get in shape.

For those of you who already have the perfect body, why not try being obese in 2013? This way you can see what life is like for the rest of us and why everyone hates you. And then you can get skinny again and your newfound humility will make you more attractive and finally a man will fall in love with you and you will be happy. Because happiness is dependent on a man loving you. Trust me, I learned this from watching movies based on Jane Austen novels.

2. Stack your phones.

I’d never heard of this practice until I was schooled by my sister and her posse of awesome San Francisco Lesbians (the best kind).  Here’s how Phone Stacking works. When you are at dinner with friends, your lover, or a rich relative that you tricked into taking you to a fancy restaurant, you stack your phones and promise not to touch them for the remainder of the meal. Some groups even impose penalties on those who fail to leave their phone in the stack (i.e. they have to buy a round of drinks or give everyone $100). Being that half my social interactions involve me sitting in a room with other people staring into other screens whilst ignoring each other, I love the idea of stacking phones and showing those you are with they are worthy of your attention.

3. Stop comparing yourself to other people. 

Every time my boyfriend and I get ready to go to the Gay Beach and or a Gay Beach-Themed pool party, I put on my favorite tank top and I’m ready to go. Then I see my boyfriend is wearing an even tinier tank top in an even brighter/more exciting color than mine. So then I put on a tinier/brighter tank top. Then he sees that and puts on an even tinier/brighter tank top. This goes on until we are wearing nothing but threads and basically look like homeless male prostitutes.

The moral of the story is to stop wanting what everyone else has. The more you compare yourself with other people the more you’re going to get frustrated by what they have that you don’t. Keep in mind that they are probably jealous of something you have. And if they’re not, they should be. Your hair has been looking really good lately. If you must compare yourself to other people, make sure you’re comparing yourself with those who are  inferior to you.

4. Take pride in your home and make it beautiful.

Photo by Stephen Busken

Taking pride in your home means that you take pride in your life. If you allow your space to be cluttered and unconsidered, you are telling yourself you’re not worth anything better. Either that or you are just lazy. It should be everyone’s resolution not to be lazy this year. Thus, make a point to do something to your space to make it beautiful. Paint a room. Buy a new rug. Make a giant drawing and hang it above the sofa. Do something to show yourself that you deserve to be surrounded by beautiful things. If decorating your place sounds scary, boring, or annoying, hire one of these homosexuals to do it for you:

(Pictured above are yours truly and Internationally Renowned Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier).

If the idea of a homosexual decorating your house fills you with Gay Panic, hire a blonde girl with really big hair:

Emily Henderson

5. Do cute stuff with your Boyfriend (or Pretend Boyfriend) and take pictures of it.

As gay men, we don’t have a lot of cute couple role models. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris and his husband are ridiculously adorable. But is that all we get? I see tons of cute pictures of my straight couple friends all over Facebook. But rarely do I see cute gay guys canoodling each other or cooking dinner. And I want to. This means if you’re part of a gay couple, it is your duty to represent yourself. Do it for the children, but more importantly do it for me. Looking at pictures of cute gay couples fulfills me almost as much as looking at pictures of Ricky Martin lounging on the beach with his babies:

6. Get off Facebook.

Ok, I seriously doubt this is going to happen but I really wish it would. What happens on Facebook? Nothing. Facebook is an endless stream of information from gay hookers, people who hated you in high school, and strangers who want to wear your skin as a dress. I know this, and I hate it, but how many hours do I spend on it every day? 19. Why am I doing this to myself? This will be the year that I permanently delete my account. Just as soon as I update my status one more time…

7. Respect your ElderGays.

Freddie Mercury

Face it, our gay elders had way cooler clothes than us, they fought for rights and privileges we enjoy, and they did it all whilst battling a terrifying disease that killed all their friends. Befriend older gay guys. They’re more interesting than you and me and they have tons of great stories. And money.

8. Don’t wait until you’ve had seven vodka drinks to address issues with friends and loved ones.

Remember that one time you waited until you were black out drunk to tell your best friend that you’d secretly been in love with him for six years? And then somehow you ended up fistfighting his current boyfriend in the back yard of a multimillion dollar Hollywood Hills estate? And then you woke up the next morning on top of a car wearing nothing but your super cheesy Aussie Bum undies and a party hat?

Here’s a thought, maybe you should have had that conversation when you were sober. That way, you could have expressed your feelings without acting like a total weirdo. Like me, you should feel free to talk about your feelings to whomever will listen. Even if their ears start bleeding and the run screaming from you after you’ve talked their ears off for 45 minutes about how your grandma always called you fat.

9. Grow a beard.

Because why not? They look hot. Here is more evidence:

10. Enjoy our beautiful planet before it’s engulfed in flames due to global warming and the upcoming end of days.

Some Gays choose to vacation on cheesy Gay cruises where everyone is on steroids and everyone feasts on ecstasy pills and protein powder whilst listening to circuit music on deck:

Don’t be one of those Gays. Instead, take a vacation to a beautiful, natural place. Often, gay homosexuals are too busy talking about Europe to notice there are a lot of nearby beautiful places to visit. If you’re in New York, flee to Storm King or the Dia:Beacon. If you’re in Southern California, take a hike at Tar Creek or take a gaggle of Gays and go camping at Catalina (I did that last year and it was to die for). The possibilities are endless. The world is a big beautiful place waiting for you to dive in:

So, there you have it. Your resolutions for 2013. Get to it, Gays!

You’re Welcome,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

This is the most attractive man I have ever seen in my whole entire life. The face, the hair, the moustache. The bright tanktop. The rainbow surfboard. True love.

Love,
Self

PS: I found him on the website of one of my favorite clothing companies, Warriors of Radness.

Dear Reader,
You know, people often ask me, “How do you stay so current on the latest pictures at the cinema!?!” Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t actually watch them. A true Hommemaker doesn’t have time for anything aside from making perfect meals, wearing perfect clothes, and excelling at his perfect job. Thus, I watch Youtube trailers for films and pretend I saw them at the theatre. This gives me ample topics to discuss at dinner parties, art openings, and fundraisers for the most influential of America’s politicians. Because watching these previews and faking knowledge of film has proven useful to me, I’d like to impart some of my film critiques onto you. Feel free to use any of my observations at your next debutant ball…

This week’s film is The King’s Speech


When people ask you why you watched The King’s Speech, make sure to tell them it was because you heard a wonderful interview with the director on Terry Gross (yes I know the show is called ‘Fresh Air’ but real fans know it’s the Terry Gross show because she is a genius). Did you ever notice that in every movie about British people they always use trilling string music? I was thoroughly disappointed when I studied abroad in London and didn’t hear any ridiculous string music. No one ran around lamenting about their confusion over whether should marry for love or money either, which is what I’ve always expected of them based on the dumb Jane Austen movies my mom always made me watch growing up. The plot synopsis of this movie is pretty obvious, Colin Firth has a speech impediment and he’s, like, the king or whatever and then he goes to speech therapy and they fix it and then everyone loves him (cue triumphant trumpet music). It seems like a pretty heartwarming movie, and you should probably tell people you enjoyed it or they will think you’re a complete idiot. That being said, everyone I know who saw this movie said it was boring.

Love,
Orlando