Category Archives: Fake Didion Quotes

“After an entire year of magical thinking about where I was from, I have not the brainpower left to think of a stupid Halloween costume. I guess I’ll have to go as a Sexy Kitty, AGAIN!”

- Joan Didion*

* Joan Didion never said this. But don’t you think she’d make an ADORABLE Sexy Kitty?

“…So I told Kim Kardashian, ‘I’ll come to your stupid ass wedding but only if you give me one of those bedazzled jewelry boxes you gave all your bridesmaids!’ She didn’t respond. So I slapped her.”

- Joan Didion*

* This is not a real Joan Didion quote. But how awesome would it be if it were?

“I’m taking my ass home and watching Xanadu.” - Joan Didion

* This statement was not made by Joan Didion. This phrase was actually uttered by Cort Hightower, actor and Olivia Newton John historian. 

“So I kept piling it on, scoop after scoop, until my bagel weighed, like, a pound. And then I realized it wasn’t cream cheese. It was butter! I ate it anyway.”

- Joan Didion

* Joan Didion never said this (I did). 

“…So I said to him ‘Would you like it if I interrupted YOU for an autograph whilst YOU were enjoying a Klondike bar on a hot disgusting afternoon?’ And then he left crying. It was a hoot!” 

- Joan Didion*

* There is no “evidence” that Joan Didion ever actually said this. 

“I looked in the pantry and there wasn’t any peanut butter. So I fired the maid! And then we laughed and laughed and laughed together because it was such a ridiculous reason for someone to lose her job. But I fired her anyway.” – Joan Didion

* Joan Didion never said this. But she has probably fired a housekeeper for a dumb reason at some point in her life.

“Your baby is totally boring.” – Joan Didion

* Joan Didion never said this. But she thought it.

Scene: 2007. Opening night of the theatre adaptation of Didion’s book The Year of Magical Thinking, front row.

Mayim Bialik (former star of the blockbuster TV hit “Blossom”) to Soleil Moon Frye (former star of the beloved “Punky Brewster” series):

“More like GROAN Didion!”

*Mayim Bialik never actually said this (to my knowledge). 

“What? You think it’s inappropriate to eat a hot dog at the opera? I just want to be free.” – Joan Didion

* Joan only said this in my dreams, sadly.