Dear Fall,
After a summer full of too many pool parties, concerts, crazy weekends, and fun, I could not possibly be more excited about the end of summer. Bye Summer, don’t let the door hit you on the way out! I am ready to spend the fall doing nothing, sitting inside, pretending to read a book whilst snuggled up under a perfectly draped wool blanket, drinking hot tea, staring out the window as rain falls, thinking about the future, my fear of it, and how I wish I cared more about the election. Everyone knows the most important thing about fall is fall fashion, so it’s time you started thinking about what you are going to wear to autumn.
One of my favorite things growing up was back to school shopping. We would get new clothes and, possibly even more exciting, new school supplies. There is nothing like a fresh binder, complete with a pencil pouch, to get me excited about fall. It’s kind of sad now that there is no back to school shopping. Unless you have kids (which I don’t, I don’t think), back to school shopping ends after college. For some annoying reason my mom refuses to take me back to school shopping anymore. So now I have to do it myself.
I’ve decided the trends for this fall are navy blue, grey, and leather. Thus, almost everything on my shopping list includes one of those elements (except for a few very important exceptions). So please look through this list and then buy everything on it.
Now, onto the clothes:
Cashmere and Silk Blended Hoodie, $1695
This hoodie costs almost $1700. And I want it. Also, it costs $1700. Did I mention that it costs $1700? What the hell is going on in the world? (I still want it).
Flannel Check Long Sleeve Shirt, Uniqlo, $30
Every man should have a nice checkered shirt. To match his checkered past.
Blake Knitted Cashmere Bow Tie, Burberry London, $150
If I had this bow tie I’d be nuzzling it all night. It looks so soft and supple.
Grey jeans. It’s all about grey jeans. You should have at least 3 pairs.
Gould Shoes, H By Hudson, $165
H By Hudson, while kind of annoying to find in the US, is making all the best shoes right now. These are simple and elegant. And I want them on my feet right now.
513 Slim Line 8 Jeans, Levis, $48
Nothing says all-American fall like Levi’s. I love the rich color of this pair.
Diamond Desert Shawl-Collar Sweater, Pendleton, $188
Pendleton is like your trendy grandma who doesn’t know everything she owns is totally rad. They have great pieces and they are even cooler because the way they market them is so dorky. And everyone knows that dorky is the new cool. So much so that after a while dorky is going to be so cool that it’s going to be dorky to be dorky because it’s so cool that it will have gone back from being cool to being dorky again because it got too cool. I’m confusing myself. Anyway, buy the sweater.
Era 59 California Leather Sneaker, Vans, $55
You can’t go wrong with Vans. Ever. And these incorporate two important trends: navy and leather.
Grey High Shawl Cable Cardigan, Topman, $88
Cable-knit is another one of my passions. As is anything grey. It doesn’t really get that cold in LA during autumn, so I’ll be sweating my face off in this glamourous sweater.
Custom-Fit Weathered Polo, Ralph Lauren, $85
In case you’re not privy to Ralph Lauren’s code language, “Custom-Fit” means “Tailored For The Gayest of Homosexuals.” Basically instead of the normal Polo clothing that fits like a muumuu, Custom-Fit is more tailored to the body and shows off those beautiful arms you’ve been working so hard on.
GQ Black Denim Slim Fit Jeans, Gap, $98
Dark grey jeans. So dark and mysterious. You need them.
Sportsman Drop Bottom Rolling Gear Bag, LL Bean, $249
For all your fall travel, you need this rolling duffel from one of my favorite dorky companies around, LL Bean. But dorky in a good way. A way that makes me feel comforted and at home.
Waffle Striped Henley Neck Long Sleeve T-Shirt, Uniqlo, $20
Stripes? Check! Henley? Check! Grey? Check! Good enough for me.
Navy Polka Dot Long Johns, Topman, $32
I screamed when I saw these for the first time. I’m seriously considering wearing these as pants. In public.
Stonewash Denim Short Sleeve Shirt, Topman, $60
This is a denim shirt you could actually get away with wearing in LA without feeling like you were in a sweat lodge. Sidenote: my whole life is a sweat lodge. I’ll be sitting, motionless, and my friends will be like “What’s going on? Why are you sweating so profusely, in such a revolting manner? Stop panting!” It’s just who I am.
Those toggles, that navy, those driving gloves. I kind of want to be this model.
I know what you’re thinking. This looks like a ladyshirt. But these wide necked shirts actually look really good on guys. I didn’t believe it at first either. But now I am a believer. No longer do I yearn to wear tight-necked shirts that strangle me. Now it’s all about shirts that show a little clavicle.
Lightweight Cotton Blend Parka, Beams Plus, $580
I can just imagine wearing this parka, running through a field with the one I love, the rain-wet grasses smelling of fresh tea, knowing that life is perfect. I am certain that this will happen if I buy this parka and that is why I need it.
Cable-Knit Wool Beanie Hat, Beams Plus, $120
If you don’t have a beanie you might as well not be alive. They really make a fall morning stroll to the [non-multinational corporate big box] coffee shop all the more meaningful and enjoyable.
Tan Leather Weave Belt, Topman, $24
Every man should have a woven leather belt. They are classic. They remind me of how my dad dressed in the 90s. Which is pretty much how every man should be dressing now because he had (and has) the best style ever.
Zipped Loopback Cotton-Jersey Hoodie, Saturdays Surf NYC, $120
Blue Hoodie, touch me!
Grey Neppy Roll Up T-Shirt, Topman, $32
Another wide-necked shirt. Trust me, you need it. It will get you tons of boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, and international modeling contracts.
Cashmere Scarf, Land’s End, $99
Blah, boring scarf I know. But you’ll be happy you have it. They’re so comforting to put on whilst staring in the mirror, thinking about how wonderful your day is going to be.
Leather Trucker Jacket, Levi’s, $398
Classic leather jacket from on of America’s best brands. Gimme.
Fishing Duffel Bag, Levi’s, $378
This duffel is strangely pricey, but I want it for my gym bag. I would be so much fitter if I had this. Buying stuff will solve all your problems. Maybe.
Mason One Pocket Workshirt, Levi’s, $58
Classic work shirt. If you have a job, you can wear it to work. If not just wear it to lunch. Or to watch TV. Or whatever you do with your day.
Original Aviator Sunglasses, Ray Ban, $195
Just because it’s fall doesn’t mean the sun will stop attacking your eyeballs. These classic aviators will never go out of style. Unlike Ke$ha who was never in style in the first place.
Everyone should have a fleece from Patagonia. Not only do they remind me of my Yosemite childhood, they also add a rustic mountaineer flair to any wardrobe that is starting to skew too Gay/Euro/Partyboi.
Cadwell Quilted Bomber, Ralph Lauren, $325
I don’t know why this model is wearing such a teeny size, but I really like this navy blue bomber jacket.
Camp-style backpacks are all the rage, and I love this one. It makes me want to take a nature walk whilst eating trail mix and singing camp songs.
ML565 Sneakers, New Balance, $106
New Balance is another classic that just won’t go away. I got my first pair in high school. The style has not changed at all and they are still totally relevant. Everyone needs a pair.
Wool-Cashmere Birdseye Sweater, Vince, $325
Vince is known for their fancy cashmere, but this casual piece looks so comfy I couldn’t resist.
Angus Cotton-Flannel Shirt, Saturdays Surf NYC, $125
If you live in an area where you can get away with wearing flannel every day, you should. It’s so comfy and soft and warm. I love flannel a lot. Also, I’m a big lesbian.
Wool Baseball Jacket, ASOS, $97
Every once in a while a trend comes around and I’m like “What? Where did that come from?” That’s how I feel about baseball jackets. I totally love them but how come they’re all the sudden, like, a *thing*? Whatever I’ll get on board.
This shirt looks stiff now, but after years of washing and wearing it will be a staple of the wardrobe, soft and supple. I promise.
Tan Leather Laptop Bag, Topman, $120
How successful and wealthy would you look walking down the street with this slung over your shoulder? And isn’t the point of life to look successful and wealthy? Or is it?
Diamond Desert Sweater, Pendleton, $198
Another kookie sweater from Pendleton. You either have to be a cool grandpa or a sullen hipster to pull this one off. My goal in life is to be a cool grandpa, so maybe I’ll start practicing early by wearing this sweater.
Knit Drink Sweater, Land’s End, $8
Meanwhile, my beer was also wearing a sweater. I’m not a huge beer coozy person, but I definitely would be if I had this. It’s the ultimate fashion statement for your beverage.
Wool Double Faced Dapper Scarf, Land’s End, $49
Plaid scarves are a wardrobe staple that everyone needs. Look it up, it’s a medical fact.
Navy Wisett Desert Botas, Toms, $69
You should purchase a pair of Toms every season. Mainly because there are shoeless kids out there just waiting for fashionable, flat-bottomed shoes with no arch support. Save the children!
Tweed Inset Flask, Land’s End, $49
I want to take this everywhere. Not only so that I can drink like a drunken hobo in the Wild West but also so I can show everyone my awesome flask.
Kane Corderoy Pant in Navy Blue, J Brand, $181
I miss corduroy pants and want them back in my life.
Wallace & Barnes Heavyweight Flannel Shirt, J. Crew, $98
I had to break my navy, grey, and leather rule for this jewel-toned shirt. The bright colors make me happy.
Homespun Knitwear Short-Sleeve Coalminer Henley, J. Crew, $90
Another fall-appropriate shirt we can get away with wearing in LA.
Wool Cable Knit Pullover, American Apparel, $105
Cable-knit, royal blue sweater. Perfect for an evening stroll though a pumpkin patch with that special someone (imaginary or otherwise).
Straight Leg Jeans in Resin, Vince, $195
More grey jeans. Yes, you need these too.
Grosgrain Double Bowtie, Lanvin, $150
If I had this bow tie I’d never take it off. I’d wear it to fancy parties, to watch TV, in the shower. It’s so beautiful.
Grey Briefs, Calvin Klein, $12
Not super exciting (aside from the ridiculously airbrushed plasticmodel), but these undies are comfy and cozy and I’ve been wearing them forever. Fall is a good time to get rid of those tattered undergarments and replace them with fresh exciting new ones. If you can get excited about grey underwear. Which you probably can’t.
In addition to underwear, you need new socks. I know it’s hard to cope with, but it’s true. Having socks with no holes will make you feel at least 47% less like a hobo. And I would know, I feel 78% like a hobo 100% of the time.
Fifth Avenue Glacier Park Throw, Pendleton, $138
Fall is about being cozy, sitting inside, and thinking about the ones you love. And it would be impossible to do any of these things without this gorgeous blanket.
So there it is. Everything you need to be happy this fall. If you don’t buy these things your life will never be complete. Just kidding. Kind of. But it is fun to treat yourself to something nice when the season changes. Mainly because in a few months the sun is going to start setting at 4 PM and we are all going to curse the changing of the seasons, missing the summer days when the sun didn’t set until 9 PM. Maybe I should have put a sun lamp in this list…
Love,
Orlando
