Category Archives: Gays

by | 15 October 2012 · 7:50 pm

10 Rules For Sexy Gay Homosexual Halloween Costumes

My Siblings & Me On Halloween, 1986 (I’m The Grey Mouse)

Oh Halloween,

Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted  houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.

Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.

Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.

Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:

If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?

Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.

Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:

And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.

(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.

For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:

Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.

Like a police man.

What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!

Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):

And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:

Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.

Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.

But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?

A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.

Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:

And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:

Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.

Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:

Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.

Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!

No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.

However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.

Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.

Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:

And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.

Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.

This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:

Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.

Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:

Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).

For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:

But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).

Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).

Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.

Happy Halloween!

Love,
Orlando

About these ads

112 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Bodytimez, Gays, Halloween, oRANTdo

by | 28 September 2012 · 6:28 pm

Oh My God Where Did You Get That ADORABLE Nazi Tee?

Dear Reader,

The other day I was at the gym when I spotted a dude wearing this T-Shirt from American Apparel.

It’s a pretty rad shirt. I love pink. I love triangles. And I love graphic tees. But the shirt is also a political statement. Now, not only can you buy ugly/ironic non-functioning spectacles and short shorts at American Apparel (thank god), you can also buy fashionably political t-shirts. Is this cool? Or perplexing? Or both? Also, I want one. Is that okay?

And now for a mini Gay history lesson, as told by someone whose knowledge of Gay history is almost as thin as Nicole Ritchie in that famous running-on-the-beach-in-a-diaper photograph.

The pink triangle was originally used by Nazis to label the Gays in concentration camps. It was appropriated by Gays in the 1970s and made popular by the Act Up movement. For those of you who don’t know Act Up, it was started by Homo Activist Larry Kramer in the 80s in response to the fact that Ronald Reagan was doing nothing about a health crisis that was killing the entire Gay community. In short, Act Up was an advocacy group that protested the government’s lack of action in AIDS research and the provision of experimental AIDS treatments for people with AIDS. They were fighting to save lives, and were thus awesome.  They protested and protested. The protests looked like this:

The Act Up protests often attracted counter protesters like these:

…Um, yes I do. Have you seen me?

Artists, like Keith Haring (above) played a huge role in Act Up, creating visuals to spread their message. Sidenote: I love Keith Haring. Love. Love. Love.

The signature of Act Up is the triangle. Which is right side up, unlike the upside down triangle used to label the Gays in Nazi concentration camps. Inverting the Nazi triangle was a way of negating it, flipping it on its head to use it as a symbol of Gay empowerment. A lot of interesting art was made utilizing that pink triangle:

Which brings me back to this American Apparel t-shirt:

Why is the triangle upside down, Nazi-style? Obviously there is some sort of appropriation/subversion thing going on considering American Apparel owner Dov Charney is Jewish, as is this model (who I know in real life because all Gay people living in Los Angeles know each other. It’s true). But I’m still a little confused…

I don’t disapprove of this shirt because American Apparel has made it clear that they are pro-Gay and pro-Jew. But it does seem kind of crazy to sell a shirt with a Nazi symbol on it without explanation. In all honesty, they probably put the triangle upside down because it’s more flattering than a regular triangle, accentuating your broad shoulders and that tiny little waist! And wouldn’t you prefer the Nazi triangle to the Act Up triangle if the Nazi one makes you look better? Don’t answer that.

Love,
Orlando

12 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Beauty, California, Californiatimez, Fashonz, Gays

by | 29 August 2012 · 5:55 pm

Why I Like People Who Hate Me For Liking To Write About Hating My Gay Body

Dear Diary,

Last week I wrote a blog post entitled Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies. Some people loved it, many people hated it, and what I learned was that everyone else is as sensitive about their bodies as I am. My reasoning for posting was threefold. I wanted to expose the conflicted feelings I have about my own body so that other people struggling with the same issues would feel less alone in their worries. I wanted to point out that there are specific factors to being a gay man that lead to us having a heightened self-consciousness about our bodies. And finally I wanted to poke fun at how stupid this whole thing is by satirizing it. Clearly, I have genuine issues with my own body and my own hatred of it. But I also have issues with my issues, realizing how lame it is to spend time thinking about something so superficial.

There were plenty of responses to my post, most of them biting and witty. The award for best title goes to:

Terrible Gay Man Figured Out That Terrible Gay Men Make Gay Men Feel Terrible

The post itself is deliciously biting at times but mostly a lazily written series of quotations out of context followed by a rallying cry for hating me. Which was productive in that the “me” he was railing against stood for body-conscious gays who judge other people based on their bodies. That’s not really me, but I can imagine how the author came to that conclusion. I don’t resent the article and I appreciate its sentiment. But I do think it could have been more fleshed out because the writer is clearly a clever and analytical person.

The Gawker article written by Louis Peitzman was more thoughtfully written and much more nuanced. Peitzman felt I was contributing to gay body panic, which is probably true considering I was talking about my own gay body panic. He also wrote that I told gay men to hate their bodies. This is completely up to interpretation, and I can see how someone would think that. Sometimes, when we talk about things we hate in ourselves, it makes those around us worry about that very same thing. Sometimes the opposite happens and they realize they are not alone in their worry. This is why the responses to my post were so polarized. Some people felt validated and comforted that I shared their body worries, some people felt that as I was judging myself, I was also judging them. Both are valid feelings that are more about the reader than my original text.

Over at Huffington Post, Derek Hartley wrote the type of post I’d expect a friend (or someone who loyally reads my blog) to have. Basically he understood that it was satire, that I am not a gay body hegemon, and that I was writing to satirize a flaw that I see within myself and my community. After reading articles and comments from so many people who read my  post out of context, it was nice to read something by someone who knew my “voice” enough to know I was on his side. I do not want people to feel badly about their bodies. I want the opposite.

By far, the most thoughtful conversations came from the comments field. To be sure, there are a lot of internet trolls out there who got some sweet satisfaction calling me vapid, fat, and ugly, but there were also a lot of people who contributed great things to the conversation about body image. If you haven’t sifted through the comments field, I’d take a browse because there is a lot of helpful insight amongst the angry two-dimensional responses.

Now, I’d like to clear a few things up. A lot of people were wondering if I the post was meant to be serious of if it was a joke. I can see why this was confusing because it was both. Yes, I’m serious about hating my body, and yes I’m smart enough to know what a stupid waste of time that is. When things bother me, I tend to joke about them. It’s always been the way I deal with stuff. I’m self-deprecating about my looks, about how co-dependent I am, and about how sometimes I think about superficial stuff. My hope was that the image of Ursula the Sea Witch and my sarcastic tone would clue people in to the fact that the article was meant as a satire. Of myself. Instead of feeling in on the joke, many continued to satirize me, which was probably the most productive thing that could have happened, proving my point even more that while gay body image is a relevant topic of discussion, it’s also kind of a stupid one.

Another issue most responses (especially the Gawker response) brought to light was that of privilege. My joke about gay men all being wealthy was mainly one making fun of that perception. I think generalizations are inherently funny. It’s like generalizing that all white people love corn dogs. It’s not true but saying it is so ridiculous that it makes me laugh (Sidenote: all white people do love corn dogs. And apple picking. And rural county fairs). The real issue of privilege here comes in all of our privilege to even worry about something like body image. If I had been raised in an area where there was a scarcity of food and I had to worry about where my next meal was coming from, would I have been anorexic in high school? Probably not. The fact that we are even having this conversation is an act of privilege. Which doesn’t mean body image issues are not a worthy conversation. We (most of us reading this) live within our own context as people residing in the first world, and our “problems” exist fully within the context of our [relatively privileged in the scheme of the world] context.

Ultimately, what everyone wants to hear is that we should all just love our bodies. Which is the truth and something we all know. However, if it were really that easy we’d all love our bodies, love ourselves, and be perfectly happy all the time. The fact is that we don’t always love our bodies. We don’t always love ourselves. And unless we talk about why, we’ll never get past all the stupid hang-ups that impede our happiness.

So until we are advanced enough to stop critiquing our bodies and hating them, I will continue to make fun of how much I loath mine. Don’t take it personally.

Love,
Orlando

More Links:

Chris Ryan

Out Magazine

Playing With Politics

25 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Bodytimez, Gays

by | 20 August 2012 · 7:54 pm

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

Dear Straight People,

Every morning when I wake up, this is what I think I look like:

Meanwhile, laying right next to me is my boyfriend. He looks like this:

I know what you’re thinking. I’m lucky, right? I know.

Not only does my model boyfriend look like a model, my friends look like this:

I never sought out to have friends with such perfect bodies. Quite the contrary actually. As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny. Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.

For full disclosure, this is approximately what my body looks like right now:

I’m not showing you this because I want you to tell me how gross/amazing I look (please don’t). I’m showing you this because intellectually I know I actually have a pretty normal body. Put me in an airport in Iowa and I’m pretty much the skinniest person there. But I am fat by West Hollywood standards. Gays in major cities live in a warped bubble where we are freaks if we don’t somehow magically look like underwear models.

I, like many Gays, have a terrible relationship with my body. You know why? Because I’m a Gay. Why do Gays hate their bodies? Allow me to explain in list form.

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

By Orlando Dumond Soria

1. Because we are surrounded by images of perfect bodies.

Because men are inherently superficial and inferior to women, we rely on visual cues for arousal. Marketers know this and they use hunky pictures of gay men to get us to do stuff. Like go to clubs, buy underwear, and drink more alcohol. This teaches us that we are only having fun if we look like models. Which is probably true.

2. Because we compare ourselves with our partners.

Same sex couples compare themselves with one another. It’s a one-to-one comparison. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with his girlfriend’s body is like comparing apples and oranges. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with a boyfriend’s body is like comparing apples and apples. And nobody wants to be the apple that’s a weird ugly shape and lacks the ability to get a proper tan.

3. Because if you’re a gay guy with a boyfriend, this is what he sees every day in the locker room:

I’m not kidding. You should see my gym’s locker room. Everyone is a model. Straight girls: imagine if your boyfriend went into a room full of hot, naked girls every day after he worked out. Would that not, like totally freak you out? Gay guys are pretty good at not ogling each other in the locker room (this conditioning comes from trying not to look gay in high school locker rooms). However, there are naked dudes all over the locker room. Naked dudes with perfect bodies. Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them. Which is terrifying because they’re perfect. I’m getting scared just thinking about it.

4. Because these are our most cherished community leaders:

(He’s a bartender).

5. Because gay people are more successful than other people, which makes them more competitive, with each other, which makes them more competitive about what their bodies look like.

Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. I don’t really know why, it’s just a fact of life. But with this great privilege comes a great burden. Not only do we have to make tons of money to pay for all these stupid clothes and vacations, we also have to work out for hours on only 80 calories a day to prevent ourselves from being socially ostracized.

6. Because we are always running around with our shirts off.

I have no idea when it happened, but at some point shirts stopped being an option at Gay parties. When so much of socializing is done sans shirt, it heightens the pressure to be totally skinny.

Sidenote: I saw this image about six years ago and I have never been the same since. It speaks to me on so many levels. Oh, that I were that towel, being waved in the wind by those caramel hunks. Dreamz.

7. Because of fear.

Brian Moylan over at Gawker cites fear as the number one reason gay men have such hot bodies. Fear of being alone. Fear of being rejected. Etcetera. While I agree with this wholeheartedly, I think fear can be used as an explanation for pretty much every single thing in the whole world. The only reason I do anything at all is fear. Fear of being homeless. Fear of being a failure. Fear of alienating everyone in my life by going too far with my love of 80s fashion. If I wasn’t completely petrified of everything, I’d never get out of bed in the morning.

8. Because all our friends look like Ken Dolls.

There was a New York Times article a few years ago about how people with skinny friends tend to be skinny. This article affected my former roommate so tremendously that she watched me intently every time I ate something, fearful that I might eat too much and get fat, therefore causing her to gain weight. I believe there is truth to this theory. If you’re constantly surrounded by people who workout and eat lightly, you’re going to end up just as skinny as they are. It’s like a positive version of peer pressure where everyone ends up looking like Malibu Ken.

9. Because our most cherished teachers look like this:

(He’s a personal trainer).

10. Because we have nothing better to do.

Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.

That concludes my list of reasons Gays hate their bodies. I hope my overwhelmingly bitter and insecure tone didn’t make me seem bitter and insecure. I’m actually not that annoyed that I hate my body (the hatred keeps me energetic and vibrant). However, I do think we need to take all of this body mania with a grain of salt. I appreciate that Gays are so body-oriented because it forces us all to be really physically fit, which leads to a happier life with more wardrobe options. Ultimately our body dysmorphia is a good thing which will force our community and outlive our straight peers and take over the world.

Love,
Orlando

462 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Gays, oRANTdo

by | 17 July 2012 · 11:20 pm

The Colors of Charlie

Charlie Designer Matthew Zink

Dear Matthew Zink,

I’m a huge fan of your line of men’s and women’s swimwear. Not only are your pieces well-fitted and glamourous, they also come in a variety of colors that please my eyeballs. I seek out color in all aspects of my life, from the interior of my home, to the art I make, to the clothing I wear. Thus, I was delighted to find a collection of swimwear that so unabashedly incorporates color. Below is a selection of my favorite suits in the very best colors.

Vintage Soccer Short, $75

I’m a sucker for pink swim trunks. Nothing says “I’m the funnest thing at this pool party” better than Barbie pink. Speaking of Barbie, this model is a life-size Ken doll.

Trainer, $91

This color is called “Canopy” and reminds me of the luxurious color I used to upholster my sofa. Very pretty.

Trainer, $65

The only place you can get away with shorts this short is at Gay Beach. And if you don’t know where Gay Beach is, I worry for you.

Resort Short, $155

I’m into this cut for a swimsuit. It acknowledges the existence of the male thigh without exploiting it. Whatever that means.

Trainer, $91

This citron color is to die for.

Resort Short, $90

Again, love the sky blue. Especially when paired with those white shoes.

Trainer, $91

Orchid Pink. This color makes me so excited. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.

Trainer, $91

Electric blue. To go with my eyes.

Lifeguard Brief, $50

Just when you thought he couldn’t look any more like Barbie, he went and put on this little number. I know a lot of people have reservations about dudes in Speedos, but I think if you can pull it off, why not? After all, who wants a lot of fabric weighing him down when he is swimming, trying to be free? You only live once.

Trainer, $91

That “Canopy” color again. If I were a shade of blue, I’d like to think I’d be that one.

Trainer, $65

This color is clearly the winner of the bunch because it’s so distinctive. You don’t see pink like this every day. You know what else you don’t see every day? Human-size Ken dolls running around in tiny neon swimsuits. And that is, like, such a shame.

Love,
Orlando

3 Comments

Filed under Fashonz, Fun Finds, Gays, Hot Couture

by | 12 July 2012 · 4:00 pm

Wallpaper/Dollpaper

Dear Keith Haring,

Thank you for the wonderful body of work you left behind in your too-short life. I’ve always been captivated by the playful, graphic nature of your work. This is why I was attracted to the wall stickers inspired by one of your installations. When it came time to add wallpaper (or, rather, Dollpaper) to my dollhouse, I decided to add some Haring flare. Below are the images of the newly papered dining room. I can’t wait to move into my own falling down barn so I can put up the full-size version of this paper.

In other news, yes the dollhouse was supposed to be done, like, ages ago. New projected date of completion: May 24, 2017. The final product, however, will be nothing short of delightful.

Love,
Orlando

8 Comments

Filed under D.I. Why?, Design, Gays, I'm A Giant Dollhouse Challenge, The Artz

by | 19 May 2012 · 12:18 am

You Must Buy These Things Or You Will Be Socially Ostracized!

Dear Diary,

The sun is shining in beautiful Los Angeles and the summer is upon us. Or at least I think it is. I actually have no idea when the official start of summer is and I don’t feel like googling it. I know the unofficial start is next weekend. Memorial Day Weekend. To get ready for summer, I’ve been slowly stocking up on summer must-haves. And so should you. If you are a girl, just buy these things for your boyfriend. That way no other girls will hit on him because he will look like a mischievous homosexual. Like me.

I’m super into these cool hats. They are yet another piece of evidence that black people (along with the gays) are responsible for everything that is cool. Black guys were the first to wear these, then straight white guys, now gay dudes. I’m into the gay thug look though, so that’s fine by me. Thank you, black people!

LA Dodgers Cap from 59fifty

I like bright things, so I love these sunglasses. They cost $5 and I bet I’ll break them by this evening. The average lifespan of a pair of my sunglasses is 3.67 days. I am a terrible human being.

Sunglasses from H&M

I love everything from Warriors of Radness. Especially this awkward ball tank top.

Tank from Warriors of Radness

These jersey knit tanks are so soft I want to wear them all the time. It’s like wearing air.

Tank Top from H&M

Loving these pink painterly swimming swimmerz.

Swim Trunks from H&M

These are very exciting and sort of tiny. I’m not into long swim trunks. Who wants to be weighed down by all that fabric in the pool? I just want to be free.

Grey Swim Trunks from H&M

These look totally dorky online but are cuter in real life. Especially when you cuff them a bit.

Shorts from H&M

Yup. These flip flops are old news but I still love them.

White Flip Flops from Havaianas

To protect my lily white skin from the harsh burning sun of Southern California, I rely on this sunscreen. Mainly because it has the most adorable label I’ve ever seen. But also because it smells like oatmeal and doesn’t have nano particles that get into your pores and give you even more cancer than the sun does. Trust me, I’m a scientist.

Badger Sunscreen

To change the color of my lily white skin from Titanium White to Swiss Coffee, I rely on this delightfully streak free product. It actually works but it comes off if you sweat to much. And believe me, I sweat too much.

Sunless Tanner from Keihl’s

So that’s all you need for summer. Now go out and buy it, because that’s what we do. This is America.

Love,
Orlando

3 Comments

Filed under California, Californiatimez, Fashiontimez, Fashonz, Gays

by | 14 May 2012 · 11:46 pm

Valley Of The Ken Dolls

Dear Diary,

I spent the past two weeks in New York, where the weather was cloudy and rainy and wet the entire time. I had a great time decorating The Lake House with Emily, but I missed my boyfriend and home so I was ecstatic to come back to Los Angeles. I got back Saturday afternoon and immediately began having more fun than I’ve ever had in my whole life. Saturday evening we went to Cinespia. This is the film series they have every summer at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. It’s one of my three favorite things about summer in Los Angeles (the other two are the Hollywood Bowl and glamourous pool parties). The film shown this week was “Strangers On A Train,” which is a pretty awesome Hitchcock film about a hot guy named Guy who meets a crazy murderer on a train (as you can imagine, zany antics ensue and everybody dies).

I love spending time with my friends. Especially when we are all staring into screens and ignoring each other. Mem’ries!

What could make my homecoming even more glamorous than the season’s first Cinespia screening? The season’s first pool party.

Firstly, I have to tell you about the guys who threw the pool party. Here are some pictures of them:

Seriously, they are perfect (I’m not showing you their actual pictures to protect their ubersecret identities). As you can see, one of them is Blond Ken, the other one is Brunette Ken. They live in this gorgeous house where I’m sure they spend most of their time frolicking together, doing jumping jacks, laughing out loud, and rolling on the floor laughing.

Did you ever notice that no one in LA ever seems to be at work, and yet everyone is rich? It’s the exact opposite of New York, where everyone is identified by their high status finance jobs. New Yorkers pride themselves on having elite jobs that trap them in their offices, allowing them to buy luxurious houses in the Hamptons. Angelenos live a bit differently. The goal here is to never work and to live like your life is a vacation. I know both of the hosts have, like, actual jobs that are fancy, but I’d prefer to imagine that they do nothing all day but eat fresh fruit by the pool and talk about their feelings. That is what I’m going to do when I become disgustingly rich.

This is what the pool looked like. In other news I was the fattest person there. And I’m not even, like, technically fat.

In addition to being beautiful, rich, and popular, the homeowners also had great taste. Which really is just kind of annoying. How obsessed with this portrait are you? I thought about stealing it.

This is the guest bedroom. It’s where I’m going to sleep when I ask Blond Ken and Brunette Ken to be my gay dads. Or when I become the pool boy, whichever comes first.

Look at that sun streaming in the window! California is fantasyland and that is that. Also, I love that print by the window. Gimme.

They have a beautiful living room, furnished in delightful pieces, both modern and vintage. I met their talented designer at the party. Also at the party was Craig Olsen, a famous designer who has the handlebar moustache to end all handlebar moustaches. His moustache was my favorite person at the party.

In conclusion, if I were to steal anyone’s identity so that I could live in their house and have their lives, I would want to be one of the Kens. Also, I’ve checked off two of my three summer to-do’s (the only one left is the Hollywood Bowl, where I will be seeing Hot Chip in a few months). I really do love living in this city. Especially when I get to spend the weekend watching movies in the cemetery and going to pool parties with Ken dolls. Yay!

Love,
Orlando

7 Comments

Filed under California, Gays, Hollywood Diary