Category Archives: Style

Dear Diary,

Sometime last year, I remember hearing that camo was back. “Camo” as in camouflage. I found this news infuriating, as I had just thrown away my camo thermal shirt the week prior, having decided it had its heyday in 2007 when I bought it, and I was over it. But this is the thing with trends, one minute everyone is all about them, the next they’re over it and you look like you’re wearing something totally lame and outdated. And now that information spreads so quickly, trends leave us and come back and leave us come back faster than ever before. So by the time you get back from work, the thing you were wearing that was totally on trend has already gone from trendy to outdated to retro to trendy again. It’s kind of annoying, but also a reminder that you shouldn’t follow trends. You should just buy stuff because you like staring at it.  That being said, there are some trends that came back way too soon that I just can’t get over. Below is a few that have sparked my attention.

1. CAMO

What’s the deal? Two years ago camo was a relic of Abercrombietimez (see below), when everyone wanted to be all butch and whitebread. You could only find it on lame cargo shorts and ugly jackets. The whole all-American military look was out. But now all the sudden we’ve forgotten that our country wasted a ton of money on a pointless war and we’re all into camo again. I think it’s a cute pattern and I like green, but I’d definitely not spend any real money on it. It’s going to be dead again in 6 months. Sorry Valentino (they’ve been putting camo on everything).

And there’s The Sartorialist, the baddest ass guy in the world:

Below are some camouflage finds you must buy. (Not really).

Camouflage Pants, Topman, $70

I’d totally wear these. Begrudgingly. And secretly like it. I’m so conflicted.

Camouflage Bag, Want Les Essentiels de la Vie & Nick Wooster, $695

Cardigan, Valentino, $1150

Because, why not spend $1150 on something that is going to be totally out of style by summer?

2. FLORALS

Floral patterns are a 90s throwback trend I could definitely get into. Mainly because it’s so gross and obnoxious and overtly-feminine. Like me as a high school student. Also, I love this ugly jacket (sorry):

Crazy Jacket, Balenciaga, $1535

Floral Shirt, Topman, $55

This faded print looks like the wallpaper you’d imagine in the brothel in East of Eden.

Floral Tie, Topman, $10

Hey tie, you look like a barfy Laura Ashley duvet from the 90s. But in a good way. I love you.

Floral Drop Crotch via FasionIndie

I hate it when I see people wearing ugly clothes and they still look totally good. If I could pull it off, I’d totally rock this outfit. Except those dumb shoes. Those can run off a cliff and die.

3. HAMMER PANTS

I love this drop-crotch pant trend. Mainly because it isn’t flattering on anyone. I love it when people are willing to wear something that gives them diaperbody. I honestly think hammer pants are really cool. I bought some last week. My boyfriend saw me wearing them and vowed to never touch me again. They are literally the LEAST sexy thing in the world. But sometimes you have to choose between being sexy and being cool. And I’d honestly always prefer to be cool.

Drop Croth Pants, Skingraft, $207

These are a great basic. Wear them to the mall, to the gym, to Chipotle, and to your  thereapists’s office.

Drop Crotch Pants, Etsy, $240

4. NEON

Anyone who has met me knows I love bright colors and neon. When I sleep at night, most of my dreams look like Nickelodeon tween shows from the 90s. Thus, I accepted the neon color trend when it happened in the early 90s, the late 90s, and now again in 2013.

How much do you hate Brad Goreski? It’s like his job to run around being adorable and stylish. (See above and below). And he has embraced neon colors by wearing them as accents.

Current luxurious neon offerings include the following:

Highlighter Bracelet, Luis Morais, $675

Highlighter Pans, Gant by Michael Bastian via TheDenimGuy

Neon Soccer Trunks, Charlie, $150

Warriors of Radness Spring/Summer 2013

5. JAMES DEAN HAIR

In the 90s, everyone wanted to pretend it was the 50s. James Dean was raised from the dead via his hairdo on Brandon Walsh. But if you look at this year’s GQ Hairstyle Guide, ALL the haircuts look like 90s throwbacks to the 50s. See below:

All images via GQ’s 2013 Hairstyle Guide

So there you have it. Five things that were trendy when I started writing this post. Then stopped being trendy because they became too ubiquitous, then became trendy in an ironic way, then stopped being trendy altogether, then became trendy again by the time I wrote this sentence. Yay?

Love,
Orlando

Dear Reader,

In cities all over the world, there are shopping districts where urban dwellers flock to meet up with their friends, stare at beautiful things, and perhaps even buy something they want (or, GASP!, need).

Paris has Les Champs-Élysées.

Tokyo has the Ginza.

And here in Los Angeles, we have The Grove.

But what exactly is The Grove? Is it a shopping mall where we find the newest treasure? Is it a community space where you take your children to play? Is it a terrifying dystopia where every childhood fear I had about the future comes true, in vivid color and sound? Where nightly, I am chased down alleyways by blasting Frank Sinatra tunes that harken to that Annette Benning mental breakdown scene in American Beauty? Yes. Yes it is.

I’ve always had a complicated relationship with The Grove. Some of my first memories of coming to Los Angeles in my teens involved going to the Farmer’s Market with my friend Alexis and getting fruit that we would eat whilst sitting next to her parents’ pool in Hancock Park while listening to the soundtrack to Run Lola Run and thinking about how arty and weird we were. A few years later, when The Grove opened, some of the charm of the Farmer’s Market was lost as the entire area became one giant traffic snarl. A sea of shoppers talking at elevated decibels about who slept with who and where you bought that statusbrand leather clutch.

While it has its faults, there is something inherently appealing about The Grove. For me, it’s pretty much grown up Disneyland. Which I like, since I always loved Disneyland as a kid. There is something very reassuring about going to a space where there is a collective agreement to believe in an artificial reality so that everyone can have fun and forget that just a few blocks away there’s a shopping district where smutty stores that sell Doc Martens sit next to pot shops (“We’re going to Melrose!”).

But seriously. What is The Grove? Why do we need it? Why is it so popular?

The obvious reason is that there is nowhere to meander in Los Angeles (aside from our wonderful hiking trails, which aren’t necessarily something you want to visit on a daily basis and/or a first date). Angelenos like The Grove because we can get out of our cars and walk around like people in more densely populated cities do. We can take a stroll to the bookstore, grab dinner, and maybe catch a movie, all in one tiny fake small Main Street USA.

The comedown at The Grove is always the same. After hours of walking around hand in hand with you friends/boyfriend/mom, you return to the massive parking garage, which holds the same number of cars you’d find in many small countries. Getting out of the garage is always a nightmare, winding through the labyrinth of “Exit this way” arrows, past waddling shoppers who somehow all happen to have a double-wide stroller, regardless of whether they have a baby or not. It is natural law that there is always traffic on your way out of the parking garage and that your erratic driving always incites an argument with your boyfriend. Or maybe that’s just me and my anxious “get me out of here right now” parking garage philosophy.

Here, I must admit a deep dark secret about myself. I am a reformed Grove Snob. I’ve always hated The Grove, looked down on it for being fake. We live in Los Angeles, why pretend we live in a corporate version of some small town’s turn of the 20th century main street, a main street where Gays would probably be looked at sideways if they held hands or flaunted their blatantly homoerotic Abercrombie & Fitch bags the way we do at The Grove?

I know what you’re thinking. If I hate The Grove so much why do I go there? If you are a social person in Los Angeles, who likes going to the movies, meeting up with friends, or eating, you will likely be forced to go to The Grove at some point or another. It’s unavoidable. Ultimately I’d rather hang out with people than sit inside fuming about how I don’t like a particular shopping center.

Yes, I’ve spent many a year hating and judging The Grove, belittling it as a bourgeois, suburban, and offensively unrealistic. And yes, it is these things. I probably am too. The Grove is an inherently superficial and money-oriented place. As it should be, it’s a shopping mall. But in addition to being a gross place that attempts to drive consumers to purchase things by surrounding them with a fake, idealized world,  The Grove also represents our very cultural aspirations. We want to walk around. We want to live amongst buildings that look like European-inspired early American constructions. Essentially, we want something completely different from the expansive, spread out world we’ve created in cities like Los Angeles and in the majority of the United States. We’ve realized that as car culture has given us freedom and mobility, it has also trapped us in our cars and prevented us from walking around the way human beings were supposed to.

The Grove has taught me many lessons. The first one, is maybe you shouldn’t overanalyze every single thing you do every day, fearful that you’re playing into some sort of terrible plot to destroy the earth and make tons of money for huge corporations owned by greedy Republicans (hint: you are).

The second thing I’ve learned is that hating The Grove is obnoxious and it bums people out. I learned this while visiting it with my friend Peter. He was all “I like The Grove.” And I was all “Like, actually, like, or like, ironically like, like as a joke?” And he was all “Like. Like, actually like.” (side note: we actually talk like this. Sorry). In the end I decided it was more important not to be a judgemental freak about The Grove and just get over my deep-seated hatred of it. I know a lot of intelligent, thoughtful people who like The Grove so it must be fine, right? Or have they been brainwashed by Mario Lopez and the cast of Extra? That show films from there on a daily basis, I’ve seen Mario there, his skin is so perfect it looks like flawless caramel.

As you get older you start to realize your adolescent cynicism needs some policing. This is not to say you shouldn’t think critically of the world around you. It is to say that you should pick your battles, and perhaps bagging on a Disneyfied shopping mall that everyone else thinks is fun isn’t such a good use of your time.

If you did a CAT Scan of my brain, it would look something like this:

I’m assuming that you’ve all seen Ghost World, from which this still, and most of my internal dialogue, derives. If you haven’t seen it you’re not truly a human being. Stop reading this. Find it on iTunes or whatever, watch it, and then come back and finish reading this long, drawn out post. Anyway, the two girls in Ghost World represent the two sides of my brain. There’s the Thora Birch side, which is cool, weird, and witty but totally a bitch. And then there is the Scarlett Johansson side. Which is nice and sincere but way less funny/interesting than Thora. Life is about finding the balance between Thora and Scarlett. It’s about being just witty enough to be interesting but not so biting that you hurt people’s feelings. So don’t bite people who like The Grove. They’ve just let Scarlett take too much control over their brains. In other news, how much do you miss that cute little Scarlett Johansson? Before she got all uber pretty and, like, vampy and over-the-top sex kitten-y? I kind of do.

Ultimately, my journey towards accepting The Grove has taught me to stop being so uppity about things that aren’t necessarily a big deal. Yes, it would probably be better if we all farmed our own organic food and lived in communes where we all raised our children together (that is my dream life, btw). But that’s probably not going to happen. Probably we will continue to live in cities where we go to places like The Grove and buy stuff. And the best thing we can do as people is to try out best not to destroy the planet while we are doing this.

So go to The Grove, enjoy it. But maybe make a snarky comment or two about it just to remind yourself that you are alive. Just so you know you haven’t lost your Thora Birch Ghost World edge.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

I lost my wallet last weekend, which was totally annoying and devastating. Not really, but it did get me thinking about wallets. Because as much as I miss my California drivers license and the five different business/personal credit cards, I also miss my Salvatore Ferragamo wallet, a gift I got from a friend a few years ago. They don’t make the particular credit card sleeve I had anymore, so it’s time to move on. Wallets, like watches, eyewear, phones and other items you use every day are the one place I feel comfortable splurging. I believe that if you use something all the time you should invest in something you love, because you have to look at it multiple times a day and the potential for joy is multiplied if you have something that truly excites you. Thus, don’t be offended that many of these picks are fancy. It’s just because this is one item I think it’s necessary to spend a little extra time and/or money investing in. Here are options I’m considering to replace my beloved Ferragamo wallet:

Smythson, $210

Nothing too exciting here but classic, which I love.

Santiago Gonzales, $220

I love this color of blue. But the crocodile skin… Too much or just enough?

Salvatore Ferragamo, $250

This one is kinda sassy. But is it too sassy?

Lanvin, $195

Simple, basic, no-nonsense.

Bettanin & Venturi, $125

Love this color. And the washed out look.

Salvatore Ferragamo, $180

Another classic wallet that wont distract him from your beautiful eyes.

Smythson, $185

A basic option. Simple is best.

Gucci, $165

The Gucci logo seems a little ostentatious, but that gold/navy combo sure is delightful.

Smythson, $220

Hey brown leather.

Wincer and Platt, $150

I love this red wallet. It’s like the wallet from the future.

Tods, $125

Is red too feminine for a guy? Or is it a hot color to carry around? I’m undecided.

Valextra, $380

Same goes for yellow? Too ladylike? Or just perfect?

Herschel Supply Co, $19

Finally, a more affordable, yet still awesome option.

Most of these options were chosen for their simplicity and thinness (I believe this is the same criteria used in choosing contestants on ‘The Bachelor’). No one wants to carry around a huge honkin wallet. It makes you look like you’re walking around with a vintage Gameboy or a small box of cereal in your pocket. And then everyone will laugh at you. And then you will die alone, clutching your oversized wallet, sweating profusely. Don’t let that be you.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Baxter of California,

I attended the Vanity Fair/Baxter of California Oscar party last night and had a great time acting like the weirdo from American Beauty who goes around taking video of everything. Do you ever go to a party where you don’t know anyone, thinking to yourself that it’s a great way to meet new people? And then you get there and you’re the only one alone and it makes you realize you should have brought someone? So then you just awkwardly wander around taking pictures whilst eating (delicious) mini-hamburgers? Yeah, that’s pretty much what I did.

I’ve been a fan of Baxter since I started going to their Barber shop a few years ago. I’ve always loved the aesthetic and design of the place, but I recently came across their genius style bible for men, 50 Style Thoughts. Basically it’s a list of style rules every guy should live by. Read it, learn it, live it.

Baxter of California’s flagship barber shop is on La Cienega and feels magically old-school and modern at the same time. Like the barber shop I currently frequent, Baxter feels old-timey without feeling hate-crimey. You know what I mean? Sometimes barber shops are super cute and old school but the barber starts talking and you get the feeling there’s some weird white supremacy/homophobia thing going on there so you avoid them and go to the fancy salon instead, even though fancy salons don’t specialize in mens’ cuts like barber shops do. Baxter has that old school vibe while seeming modern, hip, and Gay-friendly, so no one feels excluded (except people with long hair, they don’t cut longer hairstyles there).

The party was a smashing success, super crowded at all times despite the rain. Which if you’ve ever lived in Los Angeles you know is a miracle. Because rain is technically considered a natural disaster here, causing schools to shut and people to cower inside, tears streaming down their quivering cheeks.

No barber shop is complete without that spiral barber shop sign thing.

Baxter also has a line of candles, which feature masculine scents like “cedar wood” and “California citrus.”

No great party is complete without a gift bag.

Baxter Finley Barber and Shop is a great place to pick up all the company’s products, many of which I live for. The following are part of my daily regimen:

Daily Moisturizing Conditioner, $15

Daily Protein Shampoo, $14

Daily Face Wash, $15

Atlantic Beach Soap, $8

Because the whole line is designed specifically for men, Baxter allows you to have fun with bath products without feeling like you raided your sisters makeup bag to find her Oil of Olay (not that there’s anything wrong with that, Olay is a classic).

I don’t quite understand the point of using these brushes to put shaving cream on your face (do you have incompetent fingers?) but they sure are adorable.

I love these portraits hanging in the shop.

Their pen, reading “I stole this cheap pen from Baxter Finley Barber & Shop,” is not bad either.

Every night, my boyfriend and I go back and forth about animal heads, taxidermy, and zebra rugs. He’s always been fascinated by nature and animals and loves the idea of hanging a corpse head on the wall. I grew up in the middle of Yosemite National Park and used to be a vegan. My childhood best friend is now a wildlife biologist in Yosemite who spends her days saving bears and other wildlife, so my desired to have a bearskin rug is pretty low. I understand this taxidermy trend but I’m torn. So I’m resigned to letting my boyfriend get his animal head, but I will probably apologize to it on a daily basis.

My favorite Baxter product, described on this “realistic” fake newspaper, is their Clay Pomade. It’s the only product that doesn’t immediately turn into oil the second I put it on my head. Instead, it stays matte and holds my 90s anime hair in place. Thus, I keep it on me at all times.

Clay Pomade, $18

I don’t understand how this cactus survives, it’s nowhere near a window. It’s kind of infuriating because my cactus is sitting directly in a window and it still screams “I’m thirsty!” at me every morning as I’m trying to run out the door to work.

Despite the fact that it caused me to act like a loner photographer weirdo (which I guess is no different than how I normally act), the Baxter/Vanity Fair party was a great time. It re-energized my enthusiasm for their delightful products while transporting me to a simpler time when barber shops threw star-studded Oscar parties sponsored by glamorous fashion magazines. That happened, right?

Love,
Orlando

Dear LAEX,

Yesterday I went to the flea market with my boyfriend and a couple friends. I wore a hoodie, jeans, and my favorite new shirt from LAEX. When it got warm and I took off my hoodie to reveal the t-shirt underneath, everyone looked at me in disgust and worry. “Didn’t you wear that shirt last night? And the night before?” Yes. Yes I did. I can’t seem to take off this white t-shirt. It’s everything I want to be. It’s soft and drapey and comfortable.

My inspiration for wearing simple white shirts comes from my obsession with 1950s Paul Newman and James Dean, who helped create that all-American jeans and t-shirt look. Also, Paul Newman is the most beautiful man that ever lived. If I could re-animate his dead body, turn him gay, and marry him I totally would. I love him that much.

Side note: Did you know Paul Newman was besties with Gore Vidal? I did, and that’s part of the reason I’m obsessed with him. That and his face. And body. And soul.

And James Dean. I know it’s trite to talk about how attractive/classic/iconic he is but he really was the best hanger for a white t-shirt. Ever. In history.

Here is the asymmetrical shirt I love from LAEX.

Assymetrical Modal -Shirt from LAEX, $70.

I’m not sure if you’ve been alerted, but tight collars are out. Who wants to get strangled by his shirt? The trend in necklines is that they are getting wider and bigger. Like your mom.

The fabric of this tee is amazingly soft and the seams are beautifully done. The tee looks kind of crazy when you let the asymmetrical flap lay flat (as show on the model) but it looks great tucked in and solves the problem I often have with awkward t-shirt bunching.

I’d pair this delightful shirt with a nice pair of Levi’s and some leather shoes.

Jeans from Levi’s, $68.

Leather shoes from Topman, $130.

I could wear this simple outfit every day, for the rest of my life, until it rots off my gross body.

Yay?

Love,
Orlando

Dear Marlon Brando and James Dean,

You two were the first dudes to successfully rock leather jackets. As hunky movie stars of the golden age of Hollywood, you knew the leather jacket was the must-have clothing article. Here is Marlon in what is perhaps the most adorable outfit a man ever wore:

And nobody beats James in these luxe leather jackets:

I know smoking is bad, but he makes it look so cool.

Because it is kind of like the desert, Los Angeles gets chilly at night, even on sunny summer days. Thus, I have been fantasizing about buying a new leather jacket, even as Spring peeks it’s little head around the corner. A leather jacket comes in handy for Cinespia and nights at the Hollywood Bowl. Here are some glamourous options I found:

$396 from Skingraft

$175 from ASOS

$1395 from Ralph Lauren

$300 from Topman

$788 from Skingraft

$1195 from Ralph Lauren

$4980 from Bottega Veneta 

$175 from ASOS

$555 from UNIS

$3995 from Ralph Lauren Black Label

I’ll take one of each. Thanks.

Love,
Orlando

Dear Diary,

One time, I was totally content with my life, without a care in the world. Then I started browsing Mr Porter and realized I am poor and have the ugliest clothes ever. For those of you not familiar, Mr Porter is a glamourous luxury website where all the clothing costs $400,000 and is completely necessary if you want to continue living. My latest thing is looking at jackets, because after months of languishing in the hot summer heat of Los Angeles, trapped in multi-million dollar infinity pools at hilltop estates, it’s finally cold here. Some see fall as an opportunity to drink apple cider and do white people stuff like apple picking. But what’s really important about fall is that you get to wear fall clothing. Which means it’s time for a new jacket or coat to balance out the wardrobe. Here are a few I want right now, some from Mr Porter, some from more affordable sources.

Neppy Denim Quilted Bomber, Top Shop, $80

Black Leather Hooded Jacket, TopMan, $210

J. Lindeberg Hooded Down Jacket, ASOS, $450

Band of Outsiders, Mr Porter, $1650

Superdry Duffle Jacket, ASOS, $345

Dolce & Gabbana Shearling Collar Leather Jacket, Mr Porter, $3545

Lyle & Scott Vintage Jacket, ASOS, $414

Jacket, H&M, $59

Leather Quilted Yoke Hoodie, Top Man, $210

WESC Hooded Pac A Mac, ASOS, $150

I’ll take one of each.

Thanks,
Orlando

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks,

People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little time for the gym and you are constantly surrounded by cookies and candy and other stuff you should not be eating.

Last summer, while I was working on The Perfect Family, I reached a point where enough was enough. Being on set too much was making for some fat-timez, so I invented a new diet that I’d like to share with you. The best part of the diet is that it’s called the “No Ingredient” diet. So every time someone offers you a cookie or something you can be like “I can’t eat that, it’s full of ingredients!” Which makes you sound totally insane, but also totally glamourous.

Here are the rules for the No Ingredient Diet:

1. Don’t eat anything with ingredients in it, unless the ingredients are calorie-free.

2. If you can’t tell what’s in something by looking at it, you can’t eat it. Thus, you can eat a salad because you can tell that it’s lettuce, carrots, chicken, etc. You can’t eat bread, because you can’t see the individual ingredients when you look at it.

3. If something has no calories, it’s fair game. Thus, you can drink as many Diet Cokes as you want (this is terrible for your health, but wont affect your skinniness). Crystal Light is also acceptable.

I’m starting to realize that even these three rules are starting to repeat themselves, so I’m going to stop listing rules. The basic idea is that you’re cutting down on anything that is carby or overly processed and this will make you skinny. This diet totally works, and is a good way rationalize depriving yourself of the junk that everyone around you is scarfing down. YAY!

Love,
Orlando

Dear Michelle Obama,

I forgot how totally cute you were until I just saw this picture in the NYT. I love your dress and the fact that you are standing in front of giant fruit. You are awesome.

Love,
Orlando

PS: Here is a link to the article.