Glamourtimez: At Home With My Design Clients!

Dear Diary,

Every year when fall arrives, I get the sudden urge to stop working for the rest of the year, put on some ugly-yet-cozy sweat pants and woolen socks, and continually eat soup whilst watching Anjelica Houston movies, clutching my heart locket close to my breast as I think about that special someone. Something about the change in weather, the perpetual darkness, and the knowledge that the holidays are coming makes me incredibly lazy. I drink tea and think about the future, drink Diet Hansens soda and think about the past, and spend hours worrying about how I am going to get a decorate for Christmas without seeming too ladylike in front of my boyfriend. Then I come back to reality. Daddy gotz to pay the bills! I have to work. But I’m lucky lately that all my projects are so much fun and that I like my job so much. If I had a boring job I’d definitely spend all day chewing on pencils, reading poorly-written celebrity gossip, and eating Trader Joe’s Seaweed Snack.

(Quick warning: all the photos below are ones I shot myself, I’m having these projects professionally shot by glamourphotographer Stephen Busken soon and I’ll share those superior photographs when I get them).

My client Jon’s place is almost done, so it’s getting to the fun part where I get to fill it with tons of cool-looking stuff he doesn’t need. Here are some shelves I just added. It’s tough to find affordable shelving (I’d rather spend money on stuff to put in them). These are Vittsjö and they’re $70. Not too shabby for all this space. I am thinking of buying them to store all the books I used to be smart enough to read. The fiddle leaf fig is from Mickey’s Plants, which I can’t complement enough. It’s my favorite nursery in Los Angeles, mainly because the service is so good and they replanted all the plants I bought for free and I never had to get my hands dirty.

When decorating, do you ever run into the problem of where to put your Emmy? Jon, who writes and produces TV shows, has like 75 writing awards and I have no idea where to put them that doesn’t seem obnoxious. This is a total LA problem. They are such beautiful sculptures but it seems showy to put them in prominent places. It seems like they should just go in the office or somewhere more discreet. But then it’s like “Hey, he won them fair and square so why can’t we just put them on the mantle?” I tried Jon’s Emmy next to this awesome Noguchi Akari Light Sculpture from OK, but it looked too ridiculous, as if the little gold lady was worshipping the Noguchi Lamp (Sidenote: she should, I’m obsessed with Noguchi).

In other news I love this “Pop Culture” sign I found at Rose Bowl a few months ago.

Jon likes to stand while he writes, so I got him this great tall table from CB2. It’s called the Vice and it’s $449. The Industrial Stool was $179 from West Elm.

And who could forget this gross dresser that was reborn as a green piece of glamour? I paired it with these crazy tall lamps from St. Vincent de Paul ($20 each)

The art is a mid-century architectural drawing Emily and I found at the Long Beach Flea Market.

This is a crazy painted headboard I made. It’s two 4′ x 8′ wood panels, hand-painted with a paint-by-numbers design I customized. I’m not satisfied with the bedding right now, but once I swap it out the whole situation is going to be a lot dreamier.

This is a chair I reupholstered in a chunky grey linen (see the barfy before picture below):

Here is what the chair looked like before. Greowss. It was $19.99 at St. Vincent de Paul.

I replaced Jon’s chandelier with the Staggered Chandelier from West Elm. It’s on sale right now for $243.99 which means you totally should buy it. Put down that hot dog, get in the car, and go buy it. Right now.

The captain chairs are Preben Chairs from Ikea. $119. The grey drapes are Aina from Ikea. $49.99. The mid-century chairs are from ModCrib ($450 set of 4) and the table is from HD Buttercup ($950).

This is Jon’s living room. The sofa is from Blueprint ($1199). The chair is vintage reupholstered. The coffee table is from TINI ($350).

This is the entry way. I made the “The End” art by adding vinyl lettering to a vintage seascape print.

Jon had this cool French Beatles poster. The Morten Table Lamp is from West Elm.

I kind of want to steal this brass console table. It’s from Wertz Brothers for $299.

Meanwhile, in another part of La-La Land, I have another set of clients. I’m going to call them the La Habras, because that’s how my boyfriend and I refer to them. They are a super cute family that live in the hills above a city in the Southland. They live in a tastefully renovated Spanish style home that I secretly want to move into without telling them. And then one day I’d just walk downstairs for breakfast and hope they didn’t notice I was there. They’re great people with great taste so working with them is fun.

Anyhoo, onto the furniture I found for them. Firstly, this gross ottoman:

I got it for $250 at Danish Modern NoHo. I had it upholstered in green velvet from Home Fabrics.

We found this beauty lady for $375 at Danish Modern NoHo as well. I loved it in the gold but it was the same color as the carpet in the room where it lives so we had to change it to a delightful navy blue (see below).

Don’t you want to take this whole sofa and shove it in your mouth? I love it in this vintage floral, but we needed to update it a little for the house (I didn’t want it to look like a set from “Mad Men”) so we changed it to navy blue. Shocker, huh?

The final product is kind of a miracle. Getting rid of the pattern exposed the beautiful architecture of the sofa. The sofa was originally $650 from Danish Modern NoHo and fabric and upholstery added about $1200. About the same price as your run-of-the-mill store-bought sofa, but this one is unique and no one else (in the WORLD) has it.

These chairs are for the sunroom, where the La Habras like to watch television.

The chairs come from Danish Modern NoHo ($450 for the pair) and looked like this before:

This is an awesome captain’s cabinet the family bought previously. I went by their house over the weekend and we tried it out in every possible location before finally settling on the music room. I kind of wanted to hide it under my jacket and run to my car, cackling all the way home. I love how hefty and beautiful it is (it reminds me of myself as a youth).

Finally, a note about my most annoying client. Myself. I found this chandelier at Rose Bowl over the weekend and miraculously installed it myself in my dining room. There is a tutorial at The Brick House about how you can make your own but I got mine for $240 so I figured once I’d bought all the materials I wouldn’t have saved much money. Installation was pretty easy except for the part where I got stressed out and screamed “I COULD DIE!” at my boyfriend, who was diligently trying to work in the next room. Aside from the stress of getting electrocuted, killing yourself, and burning down your entire building, installing your own lighting is relatively simple. I learned how to do it from this Youtube video.

At the end of the day, I’m thankful I get to stare at pretty things all day and deal with nice people. If I didn’t I’d be sitting alone eating Thanksgiving turkey all day, pretending it was the holidays and thus okay to be a lazy disgusting pig.

Love,

Orlando

About these ads

14 Comments

Filed under Decor

10 Jackets I Want To Put On My Face

Dear Diary,

One time, I was totally content with my life, without a care in the world. Then I started browsing Mr Porter and realized I am poor and have the ugliest clothes ever. For those of you not familiar, Mr Porter is a glamourous luxury website where all the clothing costs $400,000 and is completely necessary if you want to continue living. My latest thing is looking at jackets, because after months of languishing in the hot summer heat of Los Angeles, trapped in multi-million dollar infinity pools at hilltop estates, it’s finally cold here. Some see fall as an opportunity to drink apple cider and do white people stuff like apple picking. But what’s really important about fall is that you get to wear fall clothing. Which means it’s time for a new jacket or coat to balance out the wardrobe. Here are a few I want right now, some from Mr Porter, some from more affordable sources.

Neppy Denim Quilted Bomber, Top Shop, $80

Black Leather Hooded Jacket, TopMan, $210

J. Lindeberg Hooded Down Jacket, ASOS, $450

Band of Outsiders, Mr Porter, $1650

Superdry Duffle Jacket, ASOS, $345

Dolce & Gabbana Shearling Collar Leather Jacket, Mr Porter, $3545

Lyle & Scott Vintage Jacket, ASOS, $414

Jacket, H&M, $59

Leather Quilted Yoke Hoodie, Top Man, $210

WESC Hooded Pac A Mac, ASOS, $150

I’ll take one of each.

Thanks,
Orlando

Leave a Comment

Filed under Style

Los Angeles in Instagramz

Dear Diary,

Are you curious what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been seeing? Me neither! But I’m going to show you anyway. Here is what I’ve been gawking at the last few weeks:

The loading dock at Blueprint Furniture.

David Furnish’s 50th Birthday at Greystone Manor.

The lovely typography of Gallery Brown on Orlando Avenue.

Gorgeous new plants from Mickey Hartigay Plants, where Mickey’s staff kindly replanted our succulents into gorgeous pots (also available there) for free. See below:

New hybrid cactus my handsome boyfriend discovered at Mickey’s. At home on the bedside table.

Ridiculously cute new Gold Pig Bookends from CB2 sit on my bedroom dresser. I’m in love with them.

Just a typical November Sunday in Los Angeles, 90° outside.

Sofa upholstery fabric at the Pasadena Antique Center.

Giant painting I made for Jon’s Place.

A new Architectural Digest and some tea.

Voting in Windsor Square, near Larchmont Boulevard in Los Angeles.

Love,
Orlando

You can see the rest of my Instas and follow me:

Instagram.com/Oar_Lawn_Doe

3 Comments

Filed under California

From Barfy to Beautiful: Transforming An Ugly Dresser!

Dear Diary,

There was an empty wall to fill at Jon’s place and I had no idea what to do with it. It was one of those spaces that seemed to be begging for a bench or a credenza. But that would be too obvious, so I decided to put a dresser there. I believe that dressers can go in any room. They are beautiful pieces of furniture and they provide storage. And who doesn’t need more storage? I found this ugly dresser at Wertz Brothers:

I chose to paint it a Benjamin Moore green color called Vine (2034). Emily and I had success with this color at the Lake House so I was excited to use it again.

At the Lake House, we used it to paint an old storage container we used as a shoe rack for the entry way:

If you decide to buy an ugly dresser and paint it yourself, here is what you will need:

1. Primer: I actually didn’t need to prime this dresser, but if you have a particularly difficult to paint (i.e. glossy) piece of furniture, it’s worth your time to prime first so you’re not painting it a million times or risking it chipping all over the place, flakes of paint flying into your open, horrified mouth.

2. Sandpaper: Every time I try to steal a kiss from my boyfriend, he screams that my scruff feels like sandpaper and then runs from my apartment crying. While sandpaper isn’t so much fun to make out with, it’s important to sand furniture before you paint it. Otherwise the paint will just run off onto the floor and you’ll be totally annoyed and want to drink alcohol even though it’s 9 AM.

3. A paint roller: unless the piece you’re painting is tiny, get a paint roller. You don’t want to be standing there with your tiny paintbrush, painting for hours.

4. Paintbrush: use this for detail work and those hard to reach nooks and crannies.

This is a process shot of the dresser. I painted it in my parking spot. (Note to all apartment-dwelling DIYers: Never, under any circumstances, spray paint a coffee table right next to you your neighbor’s new car. It’s called overspray and it travels fast, sticking to vehicles and ruining paint jobs. You know who you are). Here’s the Blair-Witch inspired pic of the finished dresser:

I chose to use brass hardware, mainly because I like how gold looks with green.

And here’s what the finished project looks like:

I’m going to add two lamps and a giant piece of artwork to the whole situation when I style the space in a few weeks. But I’m happy with how the vibrant green livens up the space. And yes, that is my tool bag. I’m kind of obsessed with it even though it’s not the most practical computer tote…

Now it’s time for you to go out and paint something ugly. HURRY!

Love,
Orlando

15 Comments

Filed under Decor

Yosemite: Autumnal Instagramz

Dear Diary,

I returned home over the weekend for a friend’s wedding celebration. In addition to the celebratory food and drink I inhaled at her party, I also inhaled the beauty of autumn in Yosemite. Naturally, I Insta’d as much as I could. After all, if a tree exists in a forest but you don’t Instagram it, does it really exist? (No).

Yosemite Falls, minus the falls.

Yosemite’s famous lone maple tree. It sits by itself at the edge of the field, telling everyone when fall arrives. It wears the brightest colors in Yosemite, which reminds me a lot of myself as a Yosemite teenager.

I have no idea what amazing child made this awesome horseplate but if I were a fancy gallerist I’d totally put this in my fancy gallery.

When you live in Yosemite, you get used to seeing deer outside your windows. In fact, we refer to them as “Forest Rats.”

Autumn colors in Yosemite tend to be neon yellows and greens. Not a lot of bright red like you see back East.

“Hey Girl. You going to eat that whole apple? We hungry.”

In Yosemite, you don’t really drive to the store unless it’s snowing, so when I came across this must-have pumpkin, I took it home on my bicycle.

The greys and yellows make for a glamourous fall color palette.

Here’s a deer eating something. Boring.

Fun Fall-Winter drink: Mulled apple cider with brandy. I haven’t liked Brandy this much since Moesha. This drink is even more fun in a seasonally inappropriate Santa Mug (we’ve had this one since I was born).

The drive home, up California’s iconic Grapevine Freeway. Pretty ugly, right?

Wherever you are, run toward the closest forest and look for some fall color. Hurry!

Love,
Orlando

6 Comments

Filed under California, Californiatimez, Fun In Nature, Halloween, Instagramz, Outdoor Art, Photographs, Yosemite

A Pop Of Color Inspired By Pop Art

Dear Diary,

Do you ever have trouble figuring out what color to paint something? For example, I purchased this great coffee table for a client recently. It was red when I bought it. But sadly red wasn’t in the color palette, so I had to paint it another color. But what color?

Sometimes I like to use art as an inspiration for color. This is because artists know more than regular people about what color things should be. Because the home I’m working on has a lot of quirky elements and bright colors, I decided to use Roy Lichtenstein as my inspiration for a pop of color on the coffee table. For those of you who’ve forgotten, Lichtenstein is that artist that made all the pop art that looks like comic books. His work features a lot of rich reds, blues, and yellows.

For the coffee table, I went with a bright yellow. I needed something that would pop like the red did to accentuate the clean, graphic lines of the table.

I’m happy with the way the table turned out and now I want to incorporate even more pop elements into the project.

Love,
Orlando

6 Comments

Filed under Around The Apartment, Clients, D.I. Why?, Design, Do It Yourself!, The Artz

10 Rules For Sexy Gay Homosexual Halloween Costumes

My Siblings & Me On Halloween, 1986 (I’m The Grey Mouse)

Oh Halloween,

Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted  houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.

Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.

Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.

Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:

If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?

Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.

Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:

And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.

(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.

For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:

Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.

Like a police man.

What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!

Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):

And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:

Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.

Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.

But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?

A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.

Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:

And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:

Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.

Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:

Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.

Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!

No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.

However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.

Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.

Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:

And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.

Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.

This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:

Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.

Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:

Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).

For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:

But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).

Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).

Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.

Happy Halloween!

Love,
Orlando

112 Comments

Filed under Amazing Gays, Bodytimez, Gays, Halloween, oRANTdo

From Rags To Riches: 1970s Chairs

Dear Ugly Chairs I Found in September,

When I first gazed upon your ugliness, I knew you could be beautiful. So I bought you and reupholstered you in gorgeous grey canvas. Here is what you looked like before:

And here you are now:

I love that you are both slouchy and tailored, tufted and structural.

The cost breakdown is as follows:

2 Chairs from Sunbeam Vintage: $150

4 Yards grey canvas from International Silks and Woolens: $50

Upholstery labor costs: $160

Total: $360

Not bad for a pair of totally unique, high-quality chairs. If you don’t feel like going through all this just for a pair of chairs, you can always buy these from me on Hipswap. Just a suggestion…

Love,
Orlando

Here is the link to my Hipswap shop in case you want to look around…

5 Comments

Filed under Around The Apartment, Buy Me, Collecting, Do It Yourself!, Fun Finds, Furniture, Gimme, I Bought Something

Whut Glamour: Chris Camargo’s Los Angeles

Dear Chris Camargo,

I love the beautiful images of Los Angeles you kindly share on your photo blog. You capture our city the way only somebody who truly loves it could. If you’re having a bad day, hating the smog, plastic surgery, and superficiality that gives this city a bad rap, take a look at these pretty pictures:

These pictures make me happy.

Love,
Orlando

PS: Check out Chris Camargo’s professional site for more fashion and commercial photographs.

7 Comments

Filed under California, Californiatimez, I Love LA, Images I Love, Uncategorized

Fifty Fun Fall Fashion Finds

Dear Fall,

After a summer full of too many pool parties, concerts, crazy weekends, and fun, I could not possibly be more excited about the end of summer. Bye Summer, don’t let the door hit you on the way out! I am ready to spend the fall doing nothing, sitting inside, pretending to read a book whilst snuggled up under a perfectly draped wool blanket, drinking hot tea, staring out the window as rain falls, thinking about the future, my fear of it, and how I wish I cared more about the election. Everyone knows the most important thing about fall is fall fashion, so it’s time you started thinking about what you are going to wear to autumn.

One of my favorite things growing up was back to school shopping. We would get new clothes and, possibly even more exciting, new school supplies. There is nothing like a fresh binder, complete with a pencil pouch, to get me excited about fall. It’s kind of sad now that there is no back to school shopping. Unless you have kids (which I don’t, I don’t think), back to school shopping ends after college. For some annoying reason my mom refuses to take me back to school shopping anymore. So now I have to do it myself.

I’ve decided the trends for this fall are navy blue, grey, and leather. Thus, almost everything on my shopping list includes one of those elements (except for a few very important exceptions). So please look through this list and then buy everything on it.

Now, onto the clothes:

Cashmere and Silk Blended Hoodie, $1695

This hoodie costs almost $1700. And I want it. Also, it costs $1700. Did I mention that it costs $1700? What the hell is going on in the world? (I still want it).

Flannel Check Long Sleeve Shirt, Uniqlo, $30

Every man should have a nice checkered shirt. To match his checkered past.

Blake Knitted Cashmere Bow Tie, Burberry London, $150

If I had this bow tie I’d be nuzzling it all night. It looks so soft and supple.

Kane Jean, J Brand, $196

Grey jeans. It’s all about grey jeans. You should have at least 3 pairs.

Gould Shoes, H By Hudson, $165

H By Hudson, while kind of annoying to find in the US, is making all the best shoes right now. These are simple and elegant. And I want them on my feet right now.

513 Slim Line 8 Jeans, Levis, $48

Nothing says all-American fall like Levi’s. I love the rich color of this pair.

Diamond Desert Shawl-Collar Sweater, Pendleton, $188

Pendleton is like your trendy grandma who doesn’t know everything she owns is totally rad. They have great pieces and they are even cooler because the way they market them is so dorky. And everyone knows that dorky is the new cool. So much so that after a while dorky is going to be so cool that it’s going to be dorky to be dorky because it’s so cool that it will have gone back from being cool to being dorky again because it got too cool. I’m confusing myself. Anyway, buy the sweater.

Era 59 California Leather Sneaker, Vans, $55

You can’t go wrong with Vans. Ever. And these incorporate two important trends: navy and leather.

Grey High Shawl Cable Cardigan, Topman, $88

Cable-knit is another one of my passions. As is anything grey. It doesn’t really get that cold in LA during autumn, so I’ll be sweating my face off in this glamourous sweater.

Custom-Fit Weathered Polo, Ralph Lauren, $85

In case you’re not privy to Ralph Lauren’s code language, “Custom-Fit” means “Tailored For The Gayest of Homosexuals.” Basically instead of the normal Polo clothing that fits like a muumuu, Custom-Fit is more tailored to the body and shows off those beautiful arms you’ve been working so hard on.

GQ Black Denim Slim Fit Jeans, Gap, $98

Dark grey jeans. So dark and mysterious. You need them.

Sportsman Drop Bottom Rolling Gear Bag, LL Bean, $249

For all your fall travel, you need this rolling duffel from one of my favorite dorky companies around, LL Bean. But dorky in a good way. A way that makes me feel comforted and at home.

 

Waffle Striped Henley Neck Long Sleeve T-Shirt, Uniqlo, $20

Stripes? Check! Henley? Check! Grey? Check! Good enough for me.

Navy Polka Dot Long Johns, Topman, $32

I screamed when I saw these for the first time. I’m seriously considering wearing these as pants. In public.

Stonewash Denim Short Sleeve Shirt, Topman, $60

This is a denim shirt you could actually get away with wearing in LA without feeling like you were in a sweat lodge. Sidenote: my whole life is a sweat lodge. I’ll be sitting, motionless, and my friends will be like “What’s going on? Why are you sweating so profusely, in such a revolting manner? Stop panting!” It’s just who I am.

Jacket, H&M, $129

Those toggles, that navy, those driving gloves. I kind of want to be this model.

T-Shirt, H&M, $17.95

I know what you’re thinking. This looks like a ladyshirt. But these wide necked shirts actually look really good on guys. I didn’t believe it at first either. But now I am a believer. No longer do I yearn to wear tight-necked shirts that strangle me. Now it’s all about shirts that show a little clavicle.

Lightweight Cotton Blend Parka, Beams Plus, $580

I can just imagine wearing this parka, running through a field with the one I love, the rain-wet grasses smelling of fresh tea, knowing that life is perfect. I am certain that this will happen if I buy this parka and that is why I need it.

Cable-Knit Wool Beanie Hat, Beams Plus, $120

If you don’t have a beanie you might as well not be alive. They really make a fall morning stroll to the [non-multinational corporate big box] coffee shop all the more meaningful and enjoyable.

Tan Leather Weave Belt, Topman, $24

Every man should have a woven leather belt. They are classic. They remind me of how my dad dressed in the 90s. Which is pretty much how every man should be dressing now because he had (and has) the best style ever.

Zipped Loopback Cotton-Jersey Hoodie, Saturdays Surf NYC, $120

Blue Hoodie, touch me!

Grey Neppy Roll Up T-Shirt, Topman, $32

Another wide-necked shirt. Trust me, you need it. It will get you tons of boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, and international modeling contracts.

Cashmere Scarf, Land’s End, $99

Blah, boring scarf I know. But you’ll be happy you have it. They’re so comforting to put on whilst staring in the mirror, thinking about how wonderful your day is going to be.

Leather Trucker Jacket, Levi’s, $398

Classic leather jacket from on of America’s best brands. Gimme.

Fishing Duffel Bag, Levi’s, $378

This duffel is strangely pricey, but I want it for my gym bag. I would be so much fitter if I had this. Buying stuff will solve all your problems. Maybe.

Mason One Pocket Workshirt, Levi’s, $58

Classic work shirt. If you have a job, you can wear it to work. If not just wear it to lunch. Or to watch TV. Or whatever you do with your day.

Original Aviator Sunglasses, Ray Ban, $195

Just because it’s fall doesn’t mean the sun will stop attacking your eyeballs. These classic aviators will never go out of style. Unlike Ke$ha who was never in style in the first place.

R4 Jacket, Pategonia, $259

Everyone should have a fleece from Patagonia. Not only do they remind me of my Yosemite childhood, they also add a rustic mountaineer flair to any wardrobe that is starting to skew too Gay/Euro/Partyboi.

Cadwell Quilted Bomber, Ralph Lauren, $325

I don’t know why this model is wearing such a teeny size, but I really like this navy blue bomber jacket.

Canvas Backpack, ASOS, $39

Camp-style backpacks are all the rage, and I love this one. It makes me want to take a nature walk whilst eating trail mix and singing camp songs.

ML565 Sneakers, New Balance, $106

New Balance is another classic that just won’t go away. I got my first pair in high school. The style has not changed at all and they are still totally relevant. Everyone needs a pair.

Wool-Cashmere Birdseye Sweater, Vince, $325

Vince is known for their fancy cashmere, but this casual piece looks so comfy I couldn’t resist.

Angus Cotton-Flannel Shirt, Saturdays Surf NYC, $125

If you live in an area where you can get away with wearing flannel every day, you should. It’s so comfy and soft and warm. I love flannel a lot. Also, I’m a big lesbian.

Wool Baseball Jacket, ASOS, $97

Every once in a while a trend comes around and I’m like “What? Where did that come from?” That’s how I feel about baseball jackets. I totally love them but how come they’re all the sudden, like, a *thing*? Whatever I’ll get on board.

Stock Workshirt, Levi’s, $68

This shirt looks stiff now, but after years of washing and wearing it will be a staple of the wardrobe, soft and supple. I promise.

Tan Leather Laptop Bag, Topman, $120

How successful and wealthy would you look walking down the street with this slung over your shoulder? And isn’t the point of life to look successful and wealthy? Or is it?

Diamond Desert Sweater, Pendleton, $198

Another kookie sweater from Pendleton. You either have to be a cool grandpa or a sullen hipster to pull this one off. My goal in life is to be a cool grandpa, so maybe I’ll start practicing early by wearing this sweater.

Knit Drink Sweater, Land’s End, $8

Meanwhile, my beer was also wearing a sweater. I’m not a huge beer coozy person, but I definitely would be if I had this. It’s the ultimate fashion statement for your beverage.

Wool Double Faced Dapper Scarf, Land’s End, $49

Plaid scarves are a wardrobe staple that everyone needs. Look it up, it’s a medical fact.

Navy Wisett Desert Botas, Toms, $69

You should purchase a pair of Toms every season. Mainly because there are shoeless kids out there just waiting for fashionable, flat-bottomed shoes with no arch support. Save the children!

Tweed Inset Flask, Land’s End, $49

I want to take this everywhere. Not only so that I can drink like a drunken hobo in the Wild West but also so I can show everyone my awesome flask.

Kane Corderoy Pant in Navy Blue, J Brand, $181

I miss corduroy pants and want them back in my life.

Wallace & Barnes Heavyweight Flannel Shirt, J. Crew, $98

I had to break my navy, grey, and leather rule for this jewel-toned shirt. The bright colors make me happy.

Homespun Knitwear Short-Sleeve Coalminer Henley, J. Crew, $90

Another fall-appropriate shirt we can get away with wearing in LA.

Wool Cable Knit Pullover, American Apparel, $105

Cable-knit, royal blue sweater. Perfect for an evening stroll though a pumpkin patch with that special someone (imaginary or otherwise).

Straight Leg Jeans in Resin, Vince, $195

More grey jeans. Yes, you need these too.

Grosgrain Double Bowtie, Lanvin, $150

If I had this bow tie I’d never take it off. I’d wear it to fancy parties, to watch TV, in the shower. It’s so beautiful.

Grey Briefs, Calvin Klein, $12

Not super exciting (aside from the ridiculously airbrushed plasticmodel), but these undies are comfy and cozy and I’ve been wearing them forever. Fall is a good time to get rid of those tattered undergarments and replace them with fresh exciting new ones. If you can get excited about grey underwear. Which you probably can’t.

3-Pack Socks, H&M, $10

In addition to underwear, you need new socks. I know it’s hard to cope with, but it’s true. Having socks with no holes will make you feel at least 47% less like a hobo. And I would know, I feel 78% like a hobo 100% of the time.

Fifth Avenue Glacier Park Throw, Pendleton, $138

Fall is about being cozy, sitting inside, and thinking about the ones you love. And it would be impossible to do any of these things without this gorgeous blanket.

So there it is. Everything you need to be happy this fall. If you don’t buy these things your life will never be complete. Just kidding. Kind of. But it is fun to treat yourself to something nice when the season changes. Mainly because in a few months the sun is going to start setting at 4 PM and we are all going to curse the changing of the seasons, missing the summer days when the sun didn’t set until 9 PM. Maybe I should have put a sun lamp in this list…

Love,
Orlando

6 Comments

Filed under Bodytimez, Buy Me, Fashonz